Dating thread 56 all welcome

[Kirstywirsty]

The Rules

1 Develop a thick skin;

1. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
2. It's all BS until it actually happens;
3. Trust your gut instinct;
4. If it is not fun, stop

To be honest Bant the sort of man who makes judgments about a woman based on the clothes she wears probably isn't the sort of man I would be interested in.

For the record, I have no photos of myself in underwear. I have lots of photos showing some cleavage, but as I don't own high necked clothes (when you are large busted they produce an unfortunate bolster effect) that's inevitable.

And I have been told I look up for it, or other similar euphemisms, since I was a non make up wearing teen (and had no idea what men were even talking about). So clearly that had nothing to do with how I actually looked, and was simply men's projection/ perception).

But if you, or anyone else want to say I look easy, or whatever, then come right out and say it. But expect me to disagree. And bear in mind that's a short step to saying a woman in a short skirt deserves to be harassed/ attacked

Velvet - Everyone makes judgments about people based on the clothes they wear. You do too, surely. If you see a photo of a guy in a nice suit you'll mentally classify him as, probably, successful, probably educated, professional, reasonable income.

If you see the same man in a rubber gimp suit, you'll think 'pervert', or in a homer simpson t-shirt you'll think 'man-child'.

Whether justified or not, people classify other people based, partially, upon what they're wearing.

I don't remember what your photos look like, I don't know what you're wearing in your pictures, I'm not making any judgement about you, I'm just saying that certain types of profile photos give a certain impression. Given my previous posts about horses and the pyramids, I'm just giving advice from a man's point of view.

And please don't start accusing me of even implying women in short skirts deserve to be harassed. That's really not a pleasant thing to accuse me of...

One of my pics has a bit of cleavage but I don't get any Pervy messages .. I have had one cock shot in 8 months

The last message I sent Flipper I got the "I'm already chatting to a nice laydee" message which I thought was a bit odd . . .

Velvet regardless of the clothes debate, that was an awful thing to imply about Bant.

I have quite a big bust and just roll with the bolster look, hadn't really thought about it previously in those terms! I'm not very clothes-conscious so this kind of thing does bypass me a bit. I spend a lot of time on building sites where I would definitely not feel at all comfortable showing cleavage, and that's kind of translated into my non-working wardrobe too. But equally I wasn't very confident sexually for a while (that's all in the past now though I hope) and that could also have had a bearing on the type of clothes I wear.

I didn't accuse you of anything. I simply pointed out that it's a short step from considering someone will only attract men after one thing if they dress in a certain way, or have a particular look, and should therefore expect sexually-orientated approaches, to saying that women are asking to be harrassed etc. I used to get grown men perving round me when I was in my mid teens. That was them projecting their pervy thoughts, I didn't cause or deserve it, just as it still is for sleazy men now.

As for clothes, I don't make judgments other than whether a man's clothes are clean or not. I wouldn't presume anything from seeing a man in a suit - most men wear cheap, ill-fitting off the peg suits that don't flatter them and certainly wouldn't impress me or cause me to assume they were in a professional job - often quite the opposite (none of the execs here wear suits, its all jeans and casual shirts, despite their 6 fig salaries). Clothes are just clothes.

Well rightly or wrongly, I definitely end up ruling people out based on their photos - I don't think I've ever messaged or replied to anyone with a naked torso profile picture. I could be wrong but I just assume they are probably not my sort of person. Maybe I shouldn't do that anymore.

I haven't looked at any women's profiles, but I can imagine if someone was wearing a bikini and pouting at the camera then men are more likely to assume they're up for some 'fun' than if they're wearing a polo neck. It doesn't make it right, we definitely shouldn't judge on appearances at all. But people do - or a lot of people do.

I never had any provocative poses when I had a profile. I think I would look silly trying to do one. Never showed off my cleavage on purpose, if it was on show it was incidental. I only had one cock shot and don't remember anyone being anything other than polite. I don't think I come across as up for it in photo's, at all.

In RL maybe which often isn't welcome.

Although I have just had a message from 'girthy_gary' ..

Wisey I am in N. London and am seeing a Kent-based man. Easy for us both to get into central London for dates and it takes him an hour to drive to me if there is an opportunity for an overnight stay

Okay well I will step up and say according to my wildly misogynistic, old-fashioned, caveman like approach - which I'm sure I have repeatedly proved myself to be - if I see a profile photo of a woman with low cut cleavage, and another photo of the same woman without cleavage, then I will view the photos in a different way. They will give me different impressions of the woman.

If you want to think that I'm a sexist bastard, how dare I think differently based upon how a woman dresses, then go ahead. Personally, I think I'm relatively modern and less sexist than many men out there.

But if I'm thinking that, surely other men will too. Other people on this thread and others have said they're put off men by the clothes they wear either in photos or on dates, so it's not just me, and it's not just men.

So. Dress how you want to dress in your profile photos. And maybe it's unfair, maybe it's not right, but low cut tops will, in my opinion, attract men with a certain goal and mindset.

Personally, I choose my profile photos to give a realistic impression of who I am. Me on a beach, me out with friends, me holding a fish I nursed back to life, in front of a pyramid. While riding a horse. But that's just me. I choose to portray a relatively honest impression, showing my good points, and not show a photo which I actually look really good in, because I happen to be wearing an old grungy t-shirt and it makes me look like a slob.

perhaps it would be more helpful to say that we tend to classify people according to appearance, since judge implies attaching a moral value to people based on what they are wearing.

Also the meaning given to the way a person chooses to present themselves will depend partly on the norms of the particular site.
For instance, a 'tasteful' underwear shot would look tame on a hook up site but overly provocative on a site where people are mostly looking for longer term relationships.

I've looked at alot of women's profiles, overally I think they are no better or worse than the mens

mercury - I think that's just different terms. Classification, making a judgement - you're right that judgement implies a moral value, but then I think in some cases it does. You're right that context is king for photos though.

I've looked at a few men's profiles and they're probably on the same level, maybe less so. More empty essays than women's profiles. More pictures of fish.

Unfortunately though Mercury I think a lot of people do judge rather than classify, depending on what people (particularly but not exclusively women) are wearing. And they judge on a variety of issues - wealth/income, class, personality, sexual morality etc etc. I'm not saying that this is a good thing at all, but people do do it and it's an integral part of the society we live in. And recognising that this is what happens, we can either say pah, I don't care, I'll wear it and damn what other people think, or we can go along with it to some extent and make sure that how we present ourselves with regards to clothes/hairstyle/make-up/jewellry says what we want it to say. Pros and cons to both approaches . . .

I once started a spin off thread to this one. I received some interesting suggestions on my profile. Most said if I wanted to attract a naice man, I should wear less make up and higher necked clothes in my photos.

I tried it. The result was even worse messages than normal. Including a couple which basically said fancy a shag, some cock shots and a married bloke asking me to be his bit on the side.

So I really don't think it DOES matter to certain men what you wear.

And any photos I have on fb, or dating sites, or wherever, are my everyday life. I wear make up all the time, I dress in a certain way, I don't do the outdoors, or hobbies or whatever. That doesn't mean I can only expect to attract the sex-obsessed, nor that I deserve to be harassed, nor that I won't meet a nice man who isn't going to presume or judge based on how I look.

Unfortunately though Mercury I think a lot of people do judge rather than classify
yes I know, I was trying to elevate the whole of humanity..ya think I'm bein' too ambitious OWW

You are absolutely right, Velvet, no-one deserves to be harrassed because of what they wear or look like.

Although I don't do OD, I always thought the advice was to look friendly and approachable, a bit girl next door, rather than overtly sexy. Nice smile taken at a happy moment, that sort of thing.

I think sight of cleavage triggers the male reptilian brain ( sorry for being somewhat male-generalising here) and all that comes with that. I would worry less about boobies and more about face & expression.

Am now realising why I've never received a cock shot or smutty message. My cleavage couldn't be more modest if it tried.

Sorry but this talk of cleavage making a man think 'we are up for it' is bollocks. Is this the 1950's? Clothing does not make you more or less likely to have sex

My profile pics show no cleavage, they are cropped to remove it, always have been. I have had many cock shots and smut written to me - this weekend I had someone who I messaged and then was told he had started seeing someone ask for my email - yup - picture of his cock.

Even if my boobs were being shown off in a low cut top - and the cropped pics do show cleavage as I have biggish boobs and the uncropped pics are on FB - what gives any man the right to flash me???

Having clothing that is form fitting or cut a little lower (or just sits lower cos my boobs are bigger) Why on earth does that mean I am fair game??

And the biggest question - why is a woman that enjoys sex a bad thing and an insult and someone to be treated badly????

I can't believe some of the stuff I have read. A certain look means we are up for it (not a bad thing as sex is fun), deserve to have cocks flashed at us and not worth dating - REALLY???

Might be terribly modern of me, but i dont believe that cleavage instantly means you are up for it, or giving the impression that you are.

Im reminded of the ' sult walk' thats been going on the last few years, campaigning for the right for women to be able to wear what they want without being SEXUALLY judged.

Judge on other facts, but not sexually. men are not judged sexually, in fact noone on here as mentioned that, they have mentioned money, and education and jobs.. not how he might be sexually. Inequality still exists and todays posts have been the proof of that.

Women have boobs. We also have hips and bums. It should not be up to the women to have to hide then away for fear some man cannot control himself... nor think shes up for it just for owning a pair of 36D's . If we keep having to cover up because ' men' will judge us, we will end up in burqua's. Also, at odds with this message of being ' up for it' are the constant sexualised images on tv/ film/ media.... something quite at odds by women trying to date being told to cover up, while rhianna is rubbing her crotch in front of 1000's at twickenham.....

I would not condone underwear pictures n dating sites, besides, not many people look all that great in their pants but to say a woman has to keep covered right up, or look like the girl next door, is just plain daft.

People have different styles, different body shapes and find different things attractive. You dont have to try and look one way in the vain hope of detering sleeze bags. Wear what you want, be you and happy with in yourself. And hit the delete, block button or just tell someone to piss off if the site of decolletage turns them into a mannerless monkey.

I absolutely agree that nothing justifies unwanted smut.

But OD is all about selling yourself and nothing is accidental. Men post pictures of themselves with other people's kids to cynically appeal to 30 something women keen to settle down. People post pics of them with their mates to show they are normal and have some. If you were ODing just for sex your profile would presumably reflect that. So I don't see why it's controversial to say that some looks or phrases are designed to signal certain intents. I get for the large boobed among you cleavage is inevitable, but surely cleavage, plus pout, plus wink etc is chosen for a reason? Nothing deliberate is accidental.

Yes, some people might chose that look for a reason.

As Bant has said earlier though, he ( and some men) could look at the same woman, and if in one picture she is showing some cleavage he will make judgement against her.

thats a little bit different than boobs plus pout plus wink, isn't it.

Lots of people are looking for relationships and also wear tops that don't cover everything up, wearing high neck tops isn't a pre requisite to having a relationship. else,I didn't think it was.

I hesitated posting my views regarding women clothing choices and value judgements that people make/are making.

Fortunately MsC has said it for me

Johhny.

This Wear what you want, be you and happy with in yourself

Stranger, I agree, although the message that a person intends to send via the way they present themselves will be interpreted differently by different people.
We all have our own unique blend of biases and preconceptions