Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fff take care (voice of bitter experience). If you feel you want/need to go then put a time limit on it and make an arrangement with someone else for immediately afterwards. Preferably someone who knows what's been going on and can help you to discuss and process the feelings that meeting him will throw up.

I feel I'm spending so much time preparing for every eventuality that might happen when I leave that it's just a delaying tactic. I'm starting to realise I could sort out logistics from my own place rather than trying to tie everything up neatly before I leave. So I'm back to one practical and one emotional step each day. Today's steps are replying to counsellor and starting a finances spreadsheet. (I love spreadsheets - the thought of starting a new one makes me happy!)

Alice what a great idea. I'm going to try that myself. I just feel so guilty when I say no to something which I could do-- I think it's something about having to be a people-pleaser and always smooth things over. My H on the other hand is SO GOOD at saying no... for example, 'could you pick up your wet towel off the bathroom floor' or 'can we talk about this quote we got for window repairs'... gets an immediate NO. It is so simple for him!

mink and pink and others re: talking to friends about their situations, it's a great idea. I'm sure a lot of us would welcome someone normal to discuss the situation with, when you're in it you cannot see straight... but I know that even now when things are mentioned by well-meaning friends I get sort of jealous of them and spend time justifying why I haven't left already... also when I hear people criticize him I typically jump to his defense (not so much anymore) but I think that this is part of the 'Stockholm syndrome'.

I casually mentioned to H yesterday that when DD's exams are finished I intend to leave... I didn't mean to come out, but he was supposed to be leaving for our house in the countryside and I told him DD and I would come out the next morning and that wasn't good enough for him, he wanted us to come out that night (last night)... so he spotted that our wisteria vine had twisted into the wooden feature around the front door and went ballistic insisting he'd told me to trim it 3 weeks ago and I hadn't done it, insisted I brought out the clippers and he chopped it all off then and there, now what was a lovely trailing vine across the house is a chopped-looking little stump of a vine about 1m high. I have always told him that I like the vine, it's been a constant bone of contention for us as he thinks it damages the house, which it doesn't. Lots of other houses on our street have lovely trailing vines on them. I'm not really upset as it will grow, but he just went on and on about how it was all my fault etc... and I am thoroughly sick of him and told him I am just trying to keep things together and calm until DD finishes her exams next week-- then want to divorce him.

So in the end we did come out last night, as I am trying to smooth things over, then something on his boat broke and now I am feeling really sorry for him. It's always been this way, the only 'emotion' I really feel for him is overwhelming pity every now and again. His explanation of yesterday was that he asked me to do a tiny bit of work and I got angry as a result.

So sorry for the long rant! Will read back more later...

fff by the way I too think that, I wish that he could be a non abusive version of himself (even though he has more faults than just being abusive!) and I could deal with it. But at the base of it if he uses you as a dumping ground for all his bad moods, jealousy etc it will always be there lurking in the background. He won't see those traits in himself, it will always be 'your fault'!

Thank you so much guys..

My new mantras
Just keep swimming, just keep swimming,
No No No No No......

Thank you for your support. I agree with what you are saying.

Thatsnotmyname - sorry about your wisteria. It will be a constant reminder every time you drive in what a fw he is.

I feel I'm spending so much time preparing for every eventuality that might happen when I leave that it's just a delaying tactic.

Goodness, my grammar has gone to pot, reading that back.

Will share my happy story: went to bank to transfer money to pay sol bill . Lovely bank clerk asked me if I had been having work done. I said, no, unfortunately, it was for a solicitor's bill. So, work of a sort. She asked if it had been worth it. I said yes.

If I think back, absolutely, 100%, every penny - though I did not add that bit. Every single penny. (and there is still a long way to go, but how far I have come)

Next step - set up monthly standing order into savings account to start putting money back in... sell everything I don't need... sell everything dcs don't need... my thread resolution is to work out how e-bay works

Thanks for being supportive, I think this is a great thread, you're all so supportive and encouraging to each other. I don't think I am a great friend, but my friend is and it does make me sad that she's with someone who is only supportive of her when he stands to gain from her achievements.

I have mentioned the term emotional abuse to my friend, she kind of dismissed it but not in a bad way so at least I may have planted the idea. She's told her OH he's controlling, and he didn't like that, but at least I know that she knows IYSWIM.

thatsnotmynamereally I try not to be too well meaning as I don't want her to stop talking, and I understand how easy it is to become defensive, after all as she tells me, every time she talks about him really, that she loves him.

sweetpeasunday and funnyfishface, it kind of sent chills down my spine when you said thats what my list did to you, as the list is only what my friend has told me and I'm sure there's more, she sometimes tells me stuff long after it's happened. I think she does minimise a lot, and maybe try to forget the stuff she doesn't like, a typical conversation about him is

DF: OH has done/said this
me: that's not nice/fair/doesn't seem right
DF: yeah, it's a bit odd isn't it but, (shrugs, rolls eyes)

I have told her in the past that whatever she tells me I will always take her side as she's my friend, I've shied away from telling her he's bad news as her mum did tell her exactly that and how much she's changed for her OH and how her mum didn't like it, and her OH managed to cut her family out pretty soon afterwards.

She won't leave as she's kind of decided that it's the way he is and she loves the good times they have, being a couple, she has plans for their future, she tells me that he'd give her anything, and either doesn't see or won't admit that everything he gives he or does for her benefits him too. It is death by a thousand cuts, every little incident seems so minor by itself, but then altogether it seems a nightmare.

I am going on bit really and I apologise, but I don't have time to discuss when I see other RL friends small children kind of demand attention and also it's my friend's life I'm talking about so I don't want to be seen to gossip, and my DH is sick of me talking about it, cos it's the same thing really and nothing changes.

Thinking of you all today and hope your weekend is as peaceful and happy as it can be. I know my friends will be as they're going to an event of his choosing and she's driving, she's even going to wear his choice of clothes.

Though there may be a distinction to be made here between what dcs don't need and what dcs don't want - just in case I sound heartless.

It is death by a thousand cuts, every little incident seems so minor by itself, but then altogether it seems a nightmare.

by the way, I am joking about it sounding bad, I don't really care, I love my little family

Hi all, thanks very much for hand holding and words of support. Did anyone else get that pre divorce overwhelming bad mood, very irritable etc- me not fw (that would be his normal!) like the end is near and all the holding together, minimising and making the best of for years and fucking years has been rolled back and the anger is finally flooding out?

Boy that was an outburst

That's - the trailing plant thing is EXACTLY what my STBXFW does- claims plants are damaging building, contain millions of unnaturally large spiders (my bête noir), cause virtually life threatening allergies to dcs and other mad bullshit. Then cuts them to death or stumps. Arghhhhh!

Pink lovely to hear you supporting your friend. I think it's important she knows she can talk freely at any time to you so it's great you don't get into criticising her OH because that's what my much loved family do and it's so unhelpful. We need support but not to be made to feel like we've made terrible choices - we know that already and it rankles ha ha - but I digress that's my family not you obviously!

Definitely agree with you re not talking to anyone else about what she's confided. And don't get too stressed wondering what's going to happen, when she'll leave etc, because she will subconsciously feel that as pressure although obviously it's you being caring! Only she can move forwards, and having an utterly reliable, discreet and uncritical friend behind her will be the best tool on her toolbox of freedom

Sweet pea your little family sounds pretty perfect to me xxx

oh wow breathe [gentle smile]

breathe I have definitely felt a lot of anger about the divorce and I only have about 6-8wks to go, so the end is in sight. I feel like I want to slap my 23yr old self for being so naive.
However, since I've lined up a guy I knew at uni to meet certain unfulfilled needs, I'm feeling a lot happier. Or I will do after we've met.

Well, ooh la la, singe excellent contingency planning

It could all go disastrously wrong-he's had a thing for me for 10yrs and all I know is I want sex with someone who thinks the world of me.

I am a bit stressed today. DCs visiting with EH, but there was some temper and shouting (from EH). I jumped on it immediately and said I was not going to arrange visits if he was going to shout at them. He started making excuses but I'm having none of it. If it happens again at next visit, then we're going to have to discuss some changes to visits.

He was complaining about money some, but I pointed out that I was in the same boat and having to provide for DCs as well. I don't want to hear him complaining about money.

DCs are in the "post-visit" frenzy right now. Just waiting for them to both go to sleep so I can relax and try to de-stress.

breathe yy to feeling anger. I feel on a constantly short fuse with nsdh. And I feel guilty about it when I hear myself speaking to other people and realise my default mode isn't anger with them. It takes very little for me to tip over into anger with nsdh. I also find it very draining to feel angry so often.
sweetpea finances is a big issue because our finances are so intertwined but I think I may just have to jump and hope for the best (I have a small amount of savings to fall back on and maybe that is all I need to know). You (and your counsellor) are so right about not knowing the consequences. I veer between finding that scary and finding it exciting!

My anger spilled out long before the divorce, but only to a few friends. But boy! did I rant to them - before, during, and after it all. Not that they really 'got' it, but they let me do it, and made me tea, which was enough at the time.

Occasionally something will trigger me into a rant about the past and FW, but I seem to be well on into my freedom now.

It does seem like an eternity while it's happening, but we are all getting there

Well, my positivity is being tested, more pushing, stood up to it but waiting for it to come via solicitor now. Exhausting, makes me want to weep, why do dc needs not come first here, which is consistency? No, everyone else in his family comes first. sigh That is what it feels like. They are all pushing now. Why can they not take a step back and put dc first? It will be me who needs to deal with fallout.

winnie, by finances I meant some money, not it all sorted. Sol can do the sorting, or through mediation. For me, the consequences have been harder than imagined, but also feeling like I am getting me and my life back. Slowly.

Alice, yy to post-visit frenzy, they need time to wind down at home with their own things. Have you got midweek contact too? I was always glad dd's dad did not insist on it for that reason. There is a bit of leeway on the weekend, not so much on school nights.

Anger- not sure if I have got there yet, weariness and I realise, still eggshell treading. If contact goes without harrassment, I breathe a sigh of relief. Though I will tell him to stop it next time.

for kind words breathe, would not change my little family for the world, well, maybe a little tidier. Hang in there, you are getting there.

sweetpea you sound like you are doing really well This is it, totally. Actually, I still minimise, then I read things on here, and I am like, oh yes, he did that. But putting it all together is still quite hard I have to try and explain it in court... or do you not think they will ask me to talk about the abuse?
Alice how cruel to do that about money - so selfish. It sounds like you are setting some great boundaries a good example to help me do the same.
Ds has gone to bed earlier than for a long time while this disruption has been going on, feel mean saying I feel I can breathe but the extra hour will help me catch up on things around the house.. oooh and I'm on here instead kick me off...

Better it wouldn't be so bad, but his money situation is largely his own doing at the moment. And I'm not going to say "oh well you can pay less maintenance or less on the bills you owe on because of it." None of the creditors are saying that to me - I still have to pay for things.

And yes, midweek and weekend day visits. I think that as things move along, it'll probably be less, as he finds other things he has to or wants to do.

I thought as much alice they only care about their own needs and not their own responsibilities, it is your responsibility to meet his needs... this is of course from Lundy. But we see it now they can't understand why we are not continuing to meet their needs even when we are not with them. They use DC are an excuse to carry it on. Sickos they are, little boys with no self respect. They would NEVER admit to a male friend they would rather take money from their DC than go without a bit themselves. Keep strong Alice you are a great inspiration to me if god forbid his contact ap goes that far as I KNOW I would get all this esp. as he is on his arse financially in an attempt to avoid CSA, he doesn't see he has shot himself in his own foot, it is of course my fault.

better he's actually been pretty good about everything so far, so this was a surprise to have this tossed at me. We'll see how things progress and take it from there.

Hope it is just a little glitch then Alice. I guess I am on my guard for us all