Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

fool I've seen that TED one (I think Fi posted it a couple of weeks ago) - it's quite powerful, and so relevant for the moment. Def should be on TV. They should be showing this in schools.

Only one copy for the whole of your city???? That's . Mind you, there isn't a single copy in any library for the whole of my council area. Donating a copy is a great idea, might look into that too...

can't we all 'request a copy'? this way ladies in danger can sneak into the library to read it, and not have a copy at home to hide

I have a new Lundy book... when dad hurts mum.. anyone else seen it? - for helping the kids.

and ... 'Psychopath Free' - I recently posted an excerpt from it I think

I just looked at the link you posted Fool.. yes, tis the same one... soooo wish this could be shown as some sort of Public Information Ad, over and over.

That's a good idea too Fi. Will ask about doing that next time I'm in.

How's the 'When Dad Hurts Mom' book? I've been thinking about getting it, although the pile of self-improvement books by my bed is getting unwieldy, I think this might be an important one to have. I'm a bit afraid of what I'll read though, which is why I haven't bought in before now...

How are you Fi - did I read that right above, you've got an injunction against your ex now? Hope so.

YES! [huge grin]

he could never 'hear' no.. so now its a legal 'no' I like that he doesn't have a criminal record or anything, just that he will have if he contravenes it. So no throwing of stones, just the onus on him totally.

It was the police that pushed me to act, after I was away for a while and they kept calling round and couldn't get hold of me, within half hour of being home they were on my doorstep and telling me to do it, and stop living my life this way due to him. Told me how to do it. Their push, and my new energy from having had some time away, I did it.

Haven't gotton around to reading the book yet.. still working way through the amazing 'psychopath free' slowly and its only a little book!

so now doing loads better thanks to that thanks Pony

It includes no abusive texting/mailing,e tc. and actually any texting or mailing. Only text to agree to contact. The police have all the rest of the stuff anyway to back up everything I wrote on my evidence.

I've had to put my neck out and tell H that I am not taking the DCs to one of his family get togethers (basically the DCs are not going). I feel badly, as it's to celebrate our DGS's birthday, however, it's on a Sunday, which is the one day that I don't have to either go somewhere or have someone (H) here visiting the DCs. It's also important for the DCs to have some down time, especially our older DC, before school starts again on Monday.

And it's the ONE DAY that I can spend all day with the DCs without interruption.

H was not impressed, pointed out that his family was making an effort to include me and so on and so forth. But it just means my entire "relax day with the DCs" turns into a day with H (as he will be there), corralling the DCs (as H won't help), dealing with SIL (who I do not get along with as she doesn't like me and has done nothing but cause problems for me), and dealing with DS who will not be able to cope with all the people. Then their entire evening schedule will be thrown off, which means I will be up half the night with DS, and we'll all be exhausted the next day.

But I'm being unreasonable in saying "no, sorry, we can't go." (And before it's suggested, H cannot have them unsupervised for numerous reasons)

YANBU Alice that doesn't sound a pleasant event by any stretch. Why not invite your DGS over another night to celebrate separately, so you can all have a much more relaxed enjoyable time together, plus get your wonderful downtime so needed, and vital at any time, but especially in all this strain at the moment.

No need to worry about justifying the unsupervised thing... they will have to respect your decision, or not... but it doesn't change your decision being in all of yours best interests.

Well done you! Ignore the inevitable fallout of you asserting your boundaries. Ignore. and about knowing whats good for you all xxxx

Thanks. I was planning on inviting DGS over during H's time the day before and then we can have a little mini birthday celebration for him. (what child wouldn't want 2 birthday cakes, right? lol)

And I'll be honest - I just don't want to spend another full day with H as well.

I think that this is important as well to draw the lines about contact - I don't want it to be all over the place. It's too difficult for the DCs. I did consider saying he could switch his visit from Sat to Sun, but then the DCs evening schedule is still going to be completely thrown off still on a school night, and that's not a good option either.

Fi that's fantastic news. Am so pleased for you! Can't imagine what a huge relief it must be for you. How is DD with it?

Alice you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Any one of the reasons you give (you don't want to be around ex or SIL for the day, upsetting the DCs out of their routine, it's your time with the DCs) are entirely valid on their own, much less all together. Plus, you don't actually need to justify yourself or your reasons to him. 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me, or the kids'. It's time to get that back out! He needs to suck it up - as you've pointed out before, he has life all his own way at the moment. He has none of the downsides and hard work of having kids and being in a relationship. He has his free time. You don't. He throws his dummy out the pram because he doesn't get what he wants? Tough. Your time with the kids is important. Your respite is important. You are important. If there are things that go on outwith his contact time, and it doesn't suit you or the DCs to go, then that's just how these things work. That's part of the deal, now the two of you are not together. Any arrangements must consider what's best for the kids, not for him.

Sorry, little rant on your behalf there!!!!

she still doesn't want to talk of anything to do with 'them', but is very settled into the routine and a LOT happier I am pleased to report. It doesn't really mean much to her, other than a legal enforcement of my wishes (which is what I explained).

her high anxiety around bedtime is so much better.. and now just mild from time to time, but also she shares much more readily whats worrying her, so even if I don't offer answers at least its out and loses it power. Thank you so Pony Its changed loads.

I don't see you posting so much.. I hope that means you are keeping busy with work, and happily balancing that with life and with DSs? xxx

Well done, everyone. You're all being so strong! I'm sure all your lovely dcs will thank you for fighting to give them stable and secure childhoods (can you tell I'm trying to convince myself of the same thing?!).

FW said today he doesn't want me to leave . . . just to behave Oh well, that's alright then.

I've hardly slept the last few nights but spent my wakeful hours imagining how I'll decorate and arrange my new house. If I actually start on the paperwork, I can be moved in before the end of the summer. I don't know why I feel so focused and energised about it just now. I'm hoping it lasts to see me through the next month. Luckily two of my RL friends have just come home (from work and hols) so their support should help. I know that the move is just the start of the next step . . . and I also worry that I'm setting myself up to suddenly lose momentum and continue with the status quo . . .but, for some reason, I feel like it's time. Wish me luck and strength and focus and a sudden ability to NOT cry when I have to talk about this relationship.

I guess not posting so much because my needs are not so urgent at the moment, there is very little FWittery going on for now. Just the normal head-feck with him being so nice to me at the moment.

Am really glad that things are more settled for you Fi, so glad the police help finally came through for you. As well as being better for DD, it must give you a bit of head respite, and time to work on yourself without extra FWittery going on. Stay strong, lovely. You are getting there.

Winnie - does he mean he wants you to behave?
Don't question why you feel energised - these things come in waves I find, so it might leave as quickly as it arrived, so use it while it's there.

I have when dad hurts mum...really good but much more "stateside" than Why does he do that due to the legal set up and advice.

I know what you mean about the energy coming in waves, Winnie and pony. I have just started feeling like tackling a solicitor visit, just the past couple of days, and am back in preparing my paperwork mode.

Glad you're feeling motivated, Winnie, and glad he's being a FW to help that feeling!

And really pleased your DD is more settled, Fi.

good to know Fool

.. and I really hope you had some rest and good times in equal measure this weekend without the other stuff

Thanks Pony also v. good to hear FWittery your way has calmed.

yy agreeing vigorously to the making the most of the energy.. its also about this time of the year that the energy levels are highest, with the longer hours of sunlight and general increase in activity.

y Winnie he wants you to behave

ooo charlotte sending you more good energy to get the solicitor thing under your belt.. and many thanks too :) xxx

Just caught up with the thread. I sense determination. Bet we all feel shattered tomorrow but all positive moves.
Winne it is great that a positive thing is keeping you awake - so pleased.
alice you were spot on - do you have to have so much communication with him about contact can you not reduce it to try and keep to arrangements or is being flexible sometimes better for you and DC?
Fi sorry I don't know all of your back story - but could I ask, is the contact for DC court ordered? just wondering how you manage contact with an injunction - I am really worried court can `make' me see and/or communicate with my exp? great to hear you have such great police support.
Pony had to smile at your pile of books at the side of the bed comment mine is starting to look similar - luckily I have lent Lundy out well not luckily as I feel the need to read it at the moment.

betterthan so much communication because I am present while he is visiting the DCs, as a necessity. He would never agree to contact centre (and due to circumstances it wouldn't work anyway) and there is just nobody else that can supervise. It's just the situation, really. I think once he realises that I'm flexible, but not a pushover, then things will get a bit smoother.

pony and fi yy he wants me to behave . . .or as I said to him, he wants me to be someone else. Feeling a little, teeny bit deflated because I've checked some paperwork and it may take 2 months rather than 1 month to leave. I need to have a meeting tomorrow to see if I can negotiate it down to 1. Off to bed now to try to make up for the two nights with little sleep.

Ah ok alice sorry I must have missed that. You are sooo reasonable.
Sleep well winnie

good sleeps Winnie

no.. better I dictated contact after his dropping all contact, having had decent contact before that.. but I had put restrictions on in order to try to stop abuse towards DD. The contact was badly abused and then stopped. I then dictated the terms .. take it or leave it.
Contact continued but was still used as opportunity to abuse, email /text abuse. I was advised by police and judge to just tell him to use a contact centre and step away from supervising it, and judge asked me to think about putting a contact order in place. I haven't as yet.

I've erred on the side of keeping things the same for DD right now, to see how it goes with the injunction in place.

I could just tell him contact centre and that all the option he'd have if this gets fucked up too!

The injunction includes exact details of contact, which does allow for me to supervise. Although I am not 'right there' with them. We do not speak, although he has tried and been abusive to us at contact before, now the injunction prohibits that. I hope that helps some?

fi fab news re the injunction. Really hope it gives you a real sense of freedom and ability to relax. It's great that DD is less anxious.

fool so sorry to hear that things are tough. You give such great advice and support I really hope things can settle down a bit for you.

winnie even is 2 months instead of 1 then that's still doable

just to say too Better in answer to you 'judge... make me see/communicate' the judge I saw was happy to order no contact from him atall. It was me that opened that small window about brief non-abusive contact arrangements communication. But it could have been just nothing and he would have had to contact the contact centre to set it up.

Hey bounty how are things with you?

fi glad you have the injunction sorted. I really hope it gets you some time and much needed peace of mind. Also good to know that the legal and criminal system came through for you.

Alice, I think you are right, you need to protect uninterrupted time with dcs and it sounds like you are moving to a more consistent arrangement. I have just had the post -contact hyper-excitement frenzy here, and it is just a bit much for them.

winnie, if it is two months, then use that time to make things/yourself as watertight as possible. You will get there.

to everyone else. I have been tending my garden, my sweetpeas are all entwined. I did not know they tied themselves in knots together, it is the first time I have grown them. I look forward to them flowering, but feel it is time to celebrate the wild and independent foxglove.

Ooooo, I like that, wild and independent! Fantastic.