Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: 23

[CharlotteCollinsismovingon]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you?re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans - He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples' therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change:
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don?t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

dt1 went to counselling today. she seen to have got something out of it.

Fairy I do think that the depression is a symptom of trying to cope with the EA.

I remember when I first met him and the confusion I felt about him, he let me down repeatedly but I loved him and always went along with it, made excuses for him. Then after a while I confronted him about his for example not turning up, being late, not hearing/listening, never doing anything to please me. During the argument that would follow the confrontation he would just turn nasty. I would get a knot in my stomach, felt like I had been punched. I don't feel it any more, I think I am numb. The arguments still follow the same pattern - conflicts are never resolved, just build up to him being aggressive or ignoring me. I have now reached the stage that I have almost wiped him off my radar. I rarely engage with him on any level now but whenever I do, he turns it into a conflict.

When you disconnect yourself it has got to affect you in other ways too. Then when we come across someone that cares, or is lovely, or a great conversation, it's overwhelming because we are able to reconnect with ourselves again.

yy htw definitely.

thats very encouraging for a first time Mink

I feel that depression is caused by feeling helpless to change things. I know the advice is often well you must just change things then but I think with many of the circumstances you read on here, with the best will in the world many are dragged down again and again and it is very difficult to get the strength to get back up time after time. Esp. when DC are involved and we can't cut completley free of it.
That is where for me the support comes in and we help each other back up. horse your ex could be my ex. I think we must try just to disconnect with them and keep connected to everything else which is positive.
mink I am glad dt1 got something out of it. Are you ok with it?

absolutely Better depending on the effects, whether we can instantly return to ourself once its over or what patterns we've learnt in living with it, and eventually their beliefs!!! (that its our fault, that we are this/that/wrong/bad).

the change is more than leaving xxx

better he's not my ex yet, that's the problem. I think I need to avoid ADs until he is my ex and I can think straight again.

yes I am ok with it as long as it is helping her.
she did tell me somethings that made me feel bad for the childhood they have had but still good to hear to remind me it must never happen again.

horse the ADs may help you perk up enough to think straight. They did with me.

I am now on a small maintenance dose agreed with my psych - I notice if I forget to take them (get unmotivated), but that is about my underlying depression from possible AS, not about FW any more. (I now see that far from helping me recover from depression, FW built on it to crush me but failed in the long run )

So I reckon a short course might help, for you it doesn't have to mean long term.

DCs are all over the place just before visits, all over the place after visits... they barely start winding down from one visit before they're wiring up for the next one. I hope the novelty wears off soon and they get a bit more balanced.

I must ask a silly question. How long before those who are married took off the wedding ring? Is there an "appropriate" time? Or right away? Or does nobody really care.

Thank you for all your advice. It's strange seeing your experiences too, it's almost like they read from a script in some respects. Very strange.

Things were so good that I don't know what I'd do if there were a chance to go back to that. But I don't want to find myself stuck in a cycle that many of you ladies seem to have. Are these things ever a one off? Even if it was I don't suppose I could unhear the things he's said or trust him not to turn again.

We're not married & the house is rented in both our names. I own all the furniture which would make moving quickly difficult as my family aren't near.

I'm a bit puzzled by a txt he just sent me. Our last contact was 2 days ago by txt (because I don't want to speak to him) & was me saying 'if you can't see how you've been treating me is wrong then you need to move your life forward without me. The more you dig in & blame me the more you convince me you're no person to be raising a child with'. He didn't respond until today with a message 'how are you & the bump. Good news I start my new job on Mon'. Wtf? I haven't responded. How on earth does he expect be to respond to that?!

Screw It rather sounds like he might be trying to pretend it didn't happen, hoping you'll just calm down and put it behind you and come back. H did that after a number of nasty arguments, he'd just get up the next morning and pretend like it didn't happen - then be angry with me when I didn't play along.

I thought that may be it. Do I respond? There was no kiss so he's keeping something back rather than going for a full on its fine. It's all just so confusing, or is that the point.

screwit, yes, what Alice says, it happens even now (we are separated). When we were together, the pattern would be if we rowed, he would say stuff which upset me so much I could not sleep, he wouls sleep, wake up the next day all happy and if I wasn't, I was labelled grumpy. The number of mornings, I would be so churned up, and he wouldn't get why I was upset. It is a cycle.

X-post. But yes, I think that is the point. You don't know which way is up.

Is it best to call him on it (pointless I suppose & just engaging in it) or ignore it?

Is this really it. Is this what he is, always secretly was & always will be? Or is he testing the water to see what be can get away with & if I don't let him treat me that way he'll know not to act that way?

Screwit he's either pretending the argument didn't happen or that he didn't get your text. Either way, he is still playing games and trying to destabilise you.

Bounty you've achieved so much! well done! I'm sure your new place will start to feel like home once you've emotionally and physically disconnected from your old place. I'm guessing when I move I'll be feeling quite empty inside and projecting that on to the house until I'm sure I've left and am starting to build a new me/house/life. Don't dare be hard on yourself for not doing more! Allow yourself the time you need to regroup.

nsdh is being a FW. We'd had a nice few days and now he has thrown out a comment that is tying me in knots although I know it's not justified. pony the more I think about it - the more I think you're right and I'm almost waiting for his permission to leave. I made a list of things I need to do before I leave, and it had 2 items. I just need to do them!!Aargh, it's like wading through treacle.

Screw I think opening up communications with him is most likely going to be the starter gun for her to "let the games begin." He seems to be trying to keep you off balance, so he can shift the blame to you.

Before you contact him, reread this....it's your original post.... think about if someone else wrote it (a friend, or even a stranger) and you were just reading it... what would you think?

*
I'm 5 months pregnant, my P really pushed for the pregnancy, it was planned & happened really fast. Anyway about 5 weeks ago he changed & I'm really confused about what's going on.

He told me its over but he's still there & hasn't moved out. He says pregnancy made me lazy & boring & we just weren't having fun anymore. I was taking the piss expecting him to do too much & wasn't being attentive enough. Anyway my behaviour made him fall out of love with me so it's all my fault it's over.

He swings between saying he'll take the baby from me & I should have an abortion (as the baby would be better off dead than with me for a mother). He says he'll do everything in his power to ruin my life.

He says my feelings don't matter, as this is entirely about how unhappy he is with me. Anything I perceive him to have done wrong is nothing more than my reasons to make him not love me.

There's loads more besides, it really kicked off & I left the house & have gone away for a couple of weeks.

He's still there though. If he feels that way why doesn't he just go? Is this just one giant head-fk & he thinks he can treat me like this cause I'm pregnant? I really don't understand what's happening, I thought we were happy. How can someone change so much so fast?

I've found going back and rereading my own posts from when I'm very upset tends to remind me of the shitty stuff when he was glossing over it and rewriting it all to "not his fault."

errrrgggg typo.. for "HIM" not for her... sorry

oops, sorry ScrewIt x-posted, I think we all spend some time trying to work out who they really are. Maybe your dp has always been like this: maybe he's freaking out about the life change; maybe he's testing the waters . . .regardless which is true, you need to accept that the dp you are seeing now is just as real as any past incarnation. In other words, if this is who he is then can you live with it? And if he's testing the waters and you're strong this time and he backs down then how long before he tests the waters again? Try to think of a circumstance where you would test the waters with someone you loved iyswim. . .

screwit, I don't know. My experience when I called him on his behaviour was that he ramped it up, maybe not immediately, but at some point. My FW was about control, and in the end, I am not sure how i could have reacted differently, because he needed things a certain way. The only way of saying I will not be treated like that was, in the end, to leave the relationship. It was either be the person he wanted, do the things he wanted or fight all the time to be myself. Exhausting.

I am guessing a decent bloke would not be testing the water to see what he could get away with. Would you do that?

Yes thank you, that was pretty harsh & it's not even the half of it. It's funny how things that have happened become just that & lose their impact so quickly.

It's pointless responding.

bounty, hope you are okay sweetie. Strength to you.

mink, glad dt1 went to the counselling and got something out of it. I think your DTs have a good, loving and caring mum, that will go a long, long way to making up for some of the things which should not have happened. You are looking out for them, that is worth a lot.

screwit I agree with the others and you i am afraid. the only way to win this game is not to play. i know you probably don't think your relationship is about winning but sadly chances are he does see it that way.

my FWx does the preyrnfkng it never happened all the time. i am.still expecting the text asking when he can see his kids pretending he never dropped them off in tears again.

alice I did a thread on when you take your wedding ring off, on the divorce board I think? Can you search by my name or something it was quite amusing.

screwit agree with others it's so rarely the only time. It always usually escalates, even if only slowly. You are unusual and lucky to have found this board at an early stage, don't fall into the trap and end up in the same place decades later...

My FW remains a FW of course. I received yet another late night rant. This time saying that he knew about the affair (erm non-existent) and that he was sick of me lying about it. He wants to know if it's with my female best friend next door (erm I'm straight), or someone at work. He claimed to have photos, and offered me the web address where he's posted them (but then wouldn't give it to me). He can't accept that I'm divorcing him because of his behaviour and is obsessed with the fact that there's someone else. I should really really hang up but I'm always worried he'll turn up on the door step instead. Knob knob knob!!!

alice hee hee the responses were amusing not my OP I sound like i'm blowing my own trumpet there!