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Original poster

is this fair?

251 replies

wallaby65 · 12/06/2013 18:02

I need some advice. I have a male friend. we are both in our mid 40s. he has DCs (15 & 12yr) and a very unhappy marriage (Before you start telling me I am naive, I am sure this is the truth rather than some "my wife dont not understand me" BS btw). his wife has threathened divorce numerous times and is nasty and bullying woman. she has made usual "the script" threats about taking children and the home, money etc etc. hes been trying to stick it out for the kids but their marriage is dead in the water ...
anyway we have know each other c 3 or 4 years and over last 1 or 2 years become very close friends. we just have coffee in the mornings or take his dog for a walk but we enjoy each others company and just like to laugh and have fun together in a simple way. hes a wonderful kind person and we know each other well now.
also I have been alone for 8 years (once widowed and once divorced) and the more I hear about his home life the more I cant help but think that she just does not deserve him and he deserves much much better ie a woman who loves him and gives him respect and kindness and in fact just a chance to be happy.
we have not discussed more than friendship but I know he would leave her for me if I asked as I can tell how much he loves me too.
shes again told him his week she wants to divorce and has secretly booked a holiday for two weeks to "consider her options".
should I made my feeling known to him and ask him to tell his wife he also wants to divorce when she returns so we can be together?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:19

I said that if a person is not happy (or a woman) in a relationship then its usually the case that the person will look outside of that for comfort or a shag or whatever, that doesn't mean that the person they go to is evil.

Its sad that you think that that is usual. I didnt do that when I split with my first husband. And anyone who gets involved with a person they know to be married is at best naive and gullible and at worst selfish and predatory.

MorrisZapp · 12/06/2013 23:20

Sorry but using slapper at all is horrible. Never used about men.

If it wasn't an insult what was it? Caring guidance?

MorrisZapp · 12/06/2013 23:22

Most of the posts in this section are one sided. If people say their relationship is shit we usually believe them. Why wouldn't we, we've all been there.

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:23

A serial cheat is sad really, not horrible but i feel for them somehow.

A person in a very difficult situation that seeks comfort elsewhere is a very unhappy and stuck in something.

A person that enters into something with another that isn't in a place to be able to freely give is lonely and needs to look at why they do this.

No one is evil in any of the above.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:24

It was an example of the OPs view of herself. OK so if not slapper then how about "Husband stealing woman of few morals"? Because that is how OW are viewed. Yes it is sexist, because men are rarely viewed like that (apart from by me), but the fact is that the OP knows how she will be seen if she enters a sexual relationship with this man before he is seperated. If she can say, hand on heart, that she did not "have sexual relations with that [wo]man" then she can convince herself she was not the OW and was not contributing the break up of their marriage. Sadly though, that isnt true.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:24

Who said evil?

MorrisZapp · 12/06/2013 23:30

I'm not having evil, selfish etc. My mum left my dad for his friend. It wasn't pretty but it happened, they all moved on and are now all best friends with each other.
My mum is not evil. Or a slapper. Or anything other than a normal person making human, emotional decisions. And she isn't a pants washer, but thirty years of mundane domesticity hasn't broken her relationship with my beloved stepdad.

So fucking banal hearing the cliches trotted out. Life happens, its messy, we don't always make the best judgements do we. But we live, grow, do our best etc. The biggest kicker for me is the double moral standard. Men are people, they can't be stolen.

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:30

I personally believe in closing one door before i open another, but i have known many situations where this hasn't happened. i dont judge nor think its evil and can understand how it comes about. i would never vilify anyone for this.

I certainly would never call another woman a slapper!

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 23:33

MZ, we are hearing from the 3rd person in this relationship, we are not even getting it from either of the protagonists in the actual marriage in question

A healthy amount of scepticism is appropriate here, I feel

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:37

Morris I am happy that your family managed to work it out, that must have taken huge sacrifices on your fathers part.

But my life and family has been destroyed by cheating, and I can tell you that your own experience is unusual in the extreme. Very few betrayed spouses will ever be in a position to forgive and be "best friends", at best they will tolerate the new arrangements for the children involved, and I wonder if this is actually what happened in your parents case.

Banal cliches of cheating bastards, slappers, selfish, evil etc became such because that is how real people who have been on the wrong end of an affair feel. Like it or not, thats how it is.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:38

I DIDNT CALL HER A SLAPPER!!!

I said that I thought that she didnt want OTHER PEOPLE to think of her as a slapper. There is difference!

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:38

And thats why I feel for the third person here, being piggy in the middle is an awful place to be.

it seems like she has been listening to this for a very long time and it started as friends, now she is in a massive dilema and calling her a fool or the harlot is just bloody wrong.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:40

My mum left my dad for his friend.

How is that not selfish anyway? She hurt your dad in the worst way possible. Could she not have left, and then persued a relationship with his friend (which would have been hurtful, but far less so)? As it was, your father was betrayed by the 2 people he cared about and trusted most. You may not like it but your mother was being selfish and yes, people will have judged her harshly and for good reason.

AnyFucker · 12/06/2013 23:40

She has a choice whether to stay piggy in the middle and swallow the cliches. She is a fool to do so.

The only person in this triangle who probably doesn't do so with true informed choice is the wife.

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:43

There are alway two people in a relationship and everyone needs to see the part they played in it ending. It is never the others sole responsibility.

Relationships sadly end most of the time for whatever reason.

Stop looking outside and blaming others is my motto, look within. You may have just outgrown each other, one may have fallen out of love with the other etc etc.

An outsider is never to blame.

MorrisZapp · 12/06/2013 23:43

And my sister is in a happy LTR with a bloke who fancied her for ages then made his move when she became single.

I was dead chuffed for her. Quite fancied him myself actually. He wasn't a predator, just a person attracted to another person. It's allowed.

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:46

I hope the op sees what role shes playing in this and understands that she will probably be discarded when its all over.

Like i said she is being rather foolish in this instance maybe but she is not an out and out fool.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:51

Morris He wasnt a predator because your sister was single. He did the right thing and waited until she was available, knowing that it was possible she never would be. That is an honourable person. Had he tried to use his friendship with her in order to end her relationship so he could then jump in, then that would have been very very wrong.

MorrisZapp · 12/06/2013 23:53

Why yes, my mother is a bitch! Thanks for that, bogey. All these years I thought she was loving, caring, intelligent, passionate, patient, involved, engaged and a force for good in this world. She saved my life when I was ill. She loves my son as fiercely as I do. She's marched for causes my friends mothers have never heard of.

But thanks for the insight. I guess I don't know her at all.

Bogeyface · 12/06/2013 23:55

When did I say she was a bitch?!

I said that what she did was selfish. That one act was selfish and it was. That doesnt mean that the other things she has done are somehow less meaningful.

I think you are reading far more into this than is being said, and that issue is yours, not mine.

clippedphoenix1 · 12/06/2013 23:57

How do you know that he didn't actually speak to her about his intentions? How do you know that she didn't know he was "waiting".

This woman has been a long term friend and im sure she didn't expect to feel the way she does now.

Shit happens!

To blame others for a relationship failing is just ridiculous. To say an outsider poached him/her is just frankly rather passing the buck.

A predator that "stole" him... im laughing here, really?

clippedphoenix1 · 13/06/2013 00:00

Relationships break down for whatever reason. That's to do with the people in that relationship. No one is a bitch, whore, predator on the outside of that. Look within!

Bogeyface · 13/06/2013 00:03

CP I think you are misunderstanding me. I am not saying that if the man leaves his wife and goes to the OP that she is at fault for the end of the marriage. I am saying that a person who deliberately tries to manipulate someone into doing something they are not sure about doing for their own ends is predatory, be that emotionally, financially whatever.

Frawli · 13/06/2013 00:03

To the OP, aside from the EA aspect of this I would be very wary of making him any offers because of his children. By this I mean, that if you were to make him an offer, and he were to take you up on it his kids will see him as the villain of the piece whether he is or not. If dad has left mum for another woman the kids are probably going to judge him harshly, whether the marriage is dead or not, he and OW will get all the blame and their relationship with their dad might never recover if they see him as betraying their mum.

Selba · 13/06/2013 00:04

Morris, as usual you are the voice of reason on these threads.

My best male friend is having a shit time with his wife who is a deeply unpleasant individual. Sometimes he talks about it a bit . Do I believe him ? Yes of course I bloody do , he's my friend.

Do I think he's spinning me a line with the hope of getting into my pants and eventually getting me to scrub his ?

No. He's

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