Simple things that keep a relationship strong?

[fuzzpig]

Random hopefully uplifting thread... been thinking about this lately.

DH and I have been together over 10 years now and are generally rock solid, totally in love blah blah blah :o but lately as our circumstances (injury, disability, work, money etc... not to mention two small DCs!) has got even worse, we have been a bit more strained than we have ever been.

So for the first time we are really needing to work hard at our relationship as opposed to happily plodding along, and it got me pondering about small things we can do (ie because we have very little time, energy or money!) to bond a bit more.

The other day, DH met me from work, and as we had half an hour before he needed to catch the bus for the school run, we walked through the mall and had milkshakes (as an aside. Wispa and raspberry. Wow.) and just chatted... we get hardly any child free time and it was so much nicer than just going straight home.

Making an effort to actually watch new films in the evenings (I get free rentals with my job) rather than just collapsing in front of any old thing, as it is something fun to discuss.

Reading to each other - this is something we used to do pre DCs and I'd really like to get back to it - got through the Hobbit, most of the Harry Potters, His Dark Materials and various other series. We alternate chapters.

What are your tips/ideas please? :)

It depends what sort of stuff you're into....but I would definitely say cooking. Choose something you've never made, even something vaguely complicated, and make it together. I used to love doing that with my ex, we were both big into food. It's a natural activity, it has none of that ''forced'' element to it, and it's a bit more active and bonding than watching a film together.

What a lovely idea for a thread. Agree with waddle that cooking is a good idea, and going for a walk and holding hands.

Lots of physical contact. Hugs, kisses and hand holding. Date nights in the garden (when the weather behaves). Duvets out on the lawn watch the stars and snuggle up with a bottle if wine. Meet for a quick picnic somewhere? I really love the reading idea.

Erm, gardening together, Watching a film, agree with cooking too or sharing a bottle of wine. Ah I know! Turning off iPad, ignoring phones etc at least a couple of nights per week. My dh let me have a lie in this morning (first time in weeks). This makes me feel a bit more enamoured to him! It's difficult, especially when you don't have a babysitter, but I keep telling myself, this time will pass.

DH leaves little notes from time to time under my cereal bowl so when I get up to put them in the sink it is lovely. He also puts the toothpaste on my brush for me as he leaves earlier than me.

I make him apple crumbles and homemade bread. I buy him the favourite weekly paper when I remember so it is on the table when he gets in from work. Old fashioned maybe.. but I think it is the little things.

Communication is key.

Just being together, going for a little walk, accompanying the other person somewhere... DP works on our cars a lot at the weekends, and I often make us both a nice coffee and then go outside and just sit on the driveway chatting to him while he works, or just being in his company while reading a book or something.

If one of us needs to pop out to a shop at the weekend (not the weekly food shop, that is best done alone) if the other person isn't busy they come along too, DP and I have lovely walks to shops, just chatting away to each other.

I also think lots of physical contact is good. We stroke, pat, touch and reach out for each other all the time, every time we pass each other, we take quick opportunities to hug, and hold hands a lot.

We are silly together and laugh a lot. I think that is key. Life can become so serious and a lot of things we face in life are serious, but you have to still be silly and funny with your partner, even when discussing serious matters.

We also try not to talk about depressing things too much.

We make time to do the things we love together, which for us is lots of physcial activities, cycling, climbing, hiking, camping...

So, to sum it up for us: communication and close proximity, lots of physical contact, silliness and laughs and shared participation in physcial activities etc.

Exercise together. Make cups of tea for each other. Save newspaper articles the other might find interesting.

Also, we send each other little texts during the day, and leave each other little notes to find.

If one of us is cooking or washing up or something, the other person will usually be there too chatting and keeping them company.

Little things that let the other person feel valued, loved and needed.

He puts toothpaste on your brush? It will go all crusty !!

I'm going to say 'appreciation' and 'courtesy'. A please or thank you costs nothing and I'm often shocked by responses elsewhere on MN where people get very strident about something as simple as saying 'thank you' to their partner ... 'It's his own child/lunch/house ffs!! I shouldn't have to thank him for babysitting/making a meal/fixing the shelf!!!'.... etc. I think that's quite wrong and what often separates good relationships from the ones going down the crapper is that everyone feels respected, valued and appreciated.

I agree with physical contact.. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, holding hands.... We aren't always in the mood for sex (who is? Haha) but there's nothing better than snuggling up and watching tv/talking/having kisses.

DH and I are also very silly together.,. Do funny things.. Always laughing about something... Don't take things too seriously.. HAVE FUN!

Thanks for all the replies! Some lovely ideas there :)

I agree Cogito, about the thank you thing. My DH has actually been the SAHP for a while now and is just as involved a parent as I am - so I do see the point about "it's not a generous favour/babysitting, it is his own child" etc that I see a lot BUT that certainly doesn't mean it should always go unthanked. I appreciate everything he does, and vice versa, and we do tell each other often :)

Forgot to put in my OP - little gifts. We aren't into expensive gifts anyway even at Xmas/birthday etc but it's just tiny little things that say "I was thinking of you" even if it's just picking up their favourite chocolate bar when you go to get milk at the shop.

I agree about saying Thank You, and showing appreciation for things the other person does.

And little presents.

oh and regular little compliments and reminders to them of why we love them. My DP does this all the time to me and there is no greater feeling in the world than hearing him sing my praises. He says it in front of other people too, or to other people, not just in private to me!

My Dh and I have been living together for the last thirty years. We are still nice to each other. . We make time for ourselves and are both happy to do things for the other. I go and watch cricket matches with him and he comes with me to Gardening shows.

We are very respectful of each other. We argue occasionally but he has never ever been rude to me.

We both compliment each other and I probably naively still believe him when he tells me I am beautiful etc.
When the kids were little (4DC under six) I didn't really have the energy to be nice but I still tried to make a fuss of him when he came in from work. I know this sounds a bit ridiculous but it really worked for us. It is eay to get too wrapped up in the kids. He has always done hings for me too.

He has a demanding job but he empties the dishwasher before I get out of bed at the weekends. I love him for that

What has helped us through some very rough patches in the marriage

• Lots of time together, good quality, bad quality and the boring bits.

• Lots of physical contact

• Open and direct communication

We do little gifts - he'll bring me back a bunch of tulips if he sees them, or a diet coke or a coffee if he's passing my office, or a pair of warm gloves in winter. I will pick up his favourite lemon muffin if I pass a Starbucks, or a little miniature of his favourite aftershave.

Each weekend, now the DDs are old enough to sort themselves out until they need a lift, I get up first on Saturday and bring him coffee and the papers in bed, he does the same on Sunday.

We also make full use of modern technology by sending picture texts of things we see in and around our lives that we think the other will find funny - a sign spelt wrong so it looks rude, funny pictures from the metro if I'm on the train and I pick up a copy, hilarious clothes in window displays that no one would be seen dead in. To anyone else it's probably lame, but we both find it funny!

Communication, no matter how big or small.

Whenever either one, or both, of us is at work, we send an email to each other, nothing big or soppy really, just one word: Boo ....and a smiley face. Daft, I know, but that's us.

Lovely thread, by the way

We have in-jokes like that Gradually, little traditions that everyone else is like at! :)

Kindness:

Being polite and always saying please and thank you. Telling the other that we really like it when the other does X, Y or Z. Always talking kindly to the other person. I'm gob-smacked at how some people talk to the one they're supposed to love. We never raise our voices or say anything unkind to each other.

Little kindnesses. For example, after using the toothbrush I'll leave it out with his brush head on. He'll email me a link he thinks I'll find interesting. It's lovely to know the other person has been thinking about you.

Humour - we laugh a lot. I wouldn't know how to regain that if we lost it though.

Talk - we talk a lot. If he's working in the shed I'll go and sit with him for five minutes. If I'm having a bath he'll come and sit with me for five.

I also agree about physical contact. We hold hands when walking together, and I've seen lots of couples who don't do that.

Interesting lots of people say physical contact. I guess it's something I take for granted - we are both very physical (as are the DCs, loads of cuddles, tickle fights etc)

But actually it has decreased a bit lately and that's probably contributed to things. Eg if DH's back is really sore he will have to stretch out on the floor because sitting on the sofa is painful, so we aren't as close etc.

Also need to get our old sofa picked up by the council ASAP as since we were given a new one by a friend, we have had two in the living room and it's easier to sort of spread out rather than be snuggled up on one sofa.

Vivacia it is SO nice to be able to hold hands again now - between pushing buggies, holding hands with DCs, and DH using crutches, it's been a long time!

I think, mean as it sounds to DS, it will be a bit easier when he starts FT school in September - we will probably get at least one whole weekday together.

Not swearing at each other and not speaking disrespectfully to each other.

Just being kind.

We always touch each other and give compliments. We actually discussed what we want from each other (before going out) to be happy and feel loved.