Simple things that keep a relationship strong?

[fuzzpig]

Random hopefully uplifting thread... been thinking about this lately.

DH and I have been together over 10 years now and are generally rock solid, totally in love blah blah blah :o but lately as our circumstances (injury, disability, work, money etc... not to mention two small DCs!) has got even worse, we have been a bit more strained than we have ever been.

So for the first time we are really needing to work hard at our relationship as opposed to happily plodding along, and it got me pondering about small things we can do (ie because we have very little time, energy or money!) to bond a bit more.

The other day, DH met me from work, and as we had half an hour before he needed to catch the bus for the school run, we walked through the mall and had milkshakes (as an aside. Wispa and raspberry. Wow.) and just chatted... we get hardly any child free time and it was so much nicer than just going straight home.

Making an effort to actually watch new films in the evenings (I get free rentals with my job) rather than just collapsing in front of any old thing, as it is something fun to discuss.

Reading to each other - this is something we used to do pre DCs and I'd really like to get back to it - got through the Hobbit, most of the Harry Potters, His Dark Materials and various other series. We alternate chapters.

What are your tips/ideas please? :)

Me and DH do the cooking thing but we make mystery bag (like they used to do on ready steady cook), both make something and have tapas style tea :o

We make a mystery bag for each other, otherwise it's not a mystery!

Don't blame and complain - talk. It's fine to have issues but resolve them respectfully without finger pointing.
Don't whinge about them to your friends.
Remember things - their birthday, their big presentation at work, their likes and dislikes, how they drink their coffee!

Touch, without any pressure for it to lead to more, so that it becomes a habit.
Don't speak to them in a way that wouldn't wash at work. At work we have to be polite and respectful, but at home we don't, so often those we love best see us at our worst.
Know that it is ok to show weakness, and not win every point. We love our partners for all facets of their characters, and they us.
Go out, and go on holiday. It doesn't have to be anywhere expensive, but it really helps to keep things fresh if you break out of the hum drum home routine.

For years we didn't do these things and it all went wrong for us. Now we make the effort, and it doing so it has ceased to be an effort and become how we are with each other. It's nice.

Going to bed at the same time, rather than one of us falling asleep on the sofa. There's much more chance of a shag and a chat if we make the effort. Hugs and kisses and holding hands regularly.

Presenting a united front to the DDs and pulling them up on it if they are cheeky or don't listen to the other parent.

Making time for each other. Recently this has been very hard due to lots of reasons, things are getting easier now but it was making me quite snappy with DH .

Watching a funny movie or some geeky tv on BBC four together.

Not fighting over the last ice cream in the freezer!

"I'm gob-smacked at how some people talk to the one they're supposed to love. We never raise our voices or say anything unkind to each other."

I agree; it never cesses to amaze me how some people can be nice and polite to strangers and treat the ones they love unkindly.

Brilliant thread - I'll definitely be using these ideas.

DH and I have two DC under 3 and both work FT so time is limited. We a weekly date night where we turn off phones/TV etc and do something different. I'll def be adding reading aloud, evening picnics in garden and cooking to our list.

I can recommend board games (we taught ourselves chess) and learning lyrics to favourite songs. Cheesy but it makes some evenings of the last three years memorable!

Keep other suggestions coming please.

I'm really pleased to read all these responses :)

Love the mystery bag idea! DH and I used to really enjoy cooking but have really fallen out of the habit due to time pressure. I would really like to do maybe one new recipe a week together. Our kitchen is tiny which makes it a bit awkward but I am wanting to declutter our house at the moment so hopefully that will help. I need room for my perching stool to do any cooking (I can't stand for more than a minute or so) so at least if DH does more of the chopping/stirring etc (he used to be a chef before we met so not a big deal :o) I can still be in there talking. We usually all eat together early, but once a week or so we just feed the DCs and eat later on together.

Board games, of course. We have an ever expanding collection but never make time to play them! By the time the DCs are asleep it's as much as we can do to stay awake!

My boyfriend doesn't touch me much in public, but when we sleep together, he sleeps with his face touching mine. There's he and I snuggled up, and the cat at the bottom of the bed and if he's feeling soft, I manage to get my teddy in there too!!

Compliments, little courtesies and helpful acts. I try to make him lunch in the morning, as even on the days I work I leave an hour after he does, and I know he's so busy he'll just grab something crappy from the garage to eat in the car between home visits. He always waits to help me with anything I'm struggling with getting ready (I'm disabled) before rushing off.

Notes in the car/on the blackboard in the kitchen, plenty physical contact (when we can get out from under a pile of dc!), being prepared to say sorry, we always kiss goodnight and before either of us leaves the house, and say "I love you".

Going to bed at the same time. Sounds simple but thats when we catch up about our day, plans, upcoming things, the dc, how we're feeling. We've both suffered ill health and both needed more sleep at times, but things go better if we can chat before we go to sleep. We share interests in politics, current affairs, theology and are interested in each other's jobs in education and medicine, so we talk a lot. Long car journeys are great for that.

And it's not been said here, and it's very simple, and very important - don't let the sun go down on your anger. My gran told me that was the most important thing for any relationship. We've been together for 23 years, and married/living together 18 years, so something's working so far!

Just thought of something else that helps. Listen to your friends and family talk about their partners. Nothing makes me more grateful than that.

This is probably really basic for most people, but recognising that there's probably a physical reason for feeling 'off' or snappy with each other. After coming off the pill it's taken me a good year or so (just call me dimwit) to realise that I always feel snappy, irritable and like I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with DH for one week of every month... Likewise with DH, he would never admit that he was tired (and consequently more irritable than is usual for him) and we would 'Have Words'. Now we're much more tolerant of ourselves and each other.

We also have always talked about sex- or, as currently, the lack thereof- openly and generally. It makes it so much easier when we can just say we're not up for it tonight, rather than one feeling rejected.

We're also very silly together- I love this especially about DH, because he can come across as a bit abrupt.

I think we both need to go to bed earlier TBH! We often don't go to bed until we can barely keep awake (which isn't always at the same time, I go through phases of dodgy sleep) - but we should snuggle up and read (even if we read separate books because we are too tired to read aloud!). We don't have a TV in our room.

Also just remembered DSD loaned us a Professor Layton DS game which we should really play - we did the first one together last year which was really fun. We share a certain level of geekiness :o

Going to bed together at the same time.

We occasionally swap sides of the bed. Apart from giving a fresh angle on cuddling there's also the frisson of turning over in bed and finding a warm body in an unexpected place. It harks back to those first months of sleeping together before routine set in.

Also, my partner is the person I love and care about more than anyone else in the world, so I make sure he knows that, and everyone else does too, by the way I treat him.

It is very sad to hear how some couples 'talk' to each other.

We only have one DC at home now and he'll be leaving for school next year .
It's the kids that keep us together and still in love (after 100 years !).
When DS4 leaves i dread that time we'll have on our own.....we have no common interests except DTD!!
Shit!

People are all different aren't they?

dh and I have been together for 18 years and cooking together or shopping together would lead to fights.

I nearly always go to bed before him and we don't snuggle on the sofa.

We also swear at each other sometimes, but in jokey fashion.

Anyway the stuff that works for us is having time for just us always being ourselves and never pretending.

We text several times a day and always share our little stories and moans.

after nearly 29 years together ......

Enjoy silence together.
Sitting in the garden watching the clouds or a fire

Laugh as much as you can, preferably at stupid things

Go to bed 20 minutes before you are tired so you can read and chat before turning out the light (no TV, phone or anything like that in bedrooms)

Sit down at the table as a family for meals together as often as you can - but let the kids leave the table at the end of food so you can sit and chat

(the nature of our work means we never contact each other during the day)

Separate friendships, separate interests and separate bank accounts

me and dh kiss and hug a lot. i know that sounds obvious. but even if we are having a bad day ie work stress, dcs being a nightmare etc we always make time for a snog and a cuddle :o

when we are watching telly at night when the dcs are in bed we cuddle up or stroke eachothers feet.

i buy him little random things when i am not with him sometimes, like even just a chocolate bar. he likes it because it shows i am thinking of him. (he does it for me too)

when i talk to him i talk nicely. we both just be nice to eachother, no sniping and snapping etc. thats not to say we don't have the occasional row but day to day i see so many couples talking to eachother like shit, with real contempt and i think its sad.

we try and shag as much as possible. it just bonds you. and he is great in the sack

sorry all these might be dead obvious, but tbh i just love him loads and find it easy

We have recently got this bonus hour and a half every Friday night when dcs are doing sports. So we drop them off and whizz to a trendy bar for a glass of wine.

We sit and chat and it's lovely and we feel like we're clawing back a smidgeon of a regular social life.

Marking my place as I love little ideas like this :)

DP and I cook together, and always thank one another for our meal if the other made it even if we're annoyed at one another for other things. I enjoy that and never realised how much a thank you for something so simple would make me feel so warm and fuzzy!

What a lovely thread. Having coffee in the garden after work together. Walking to the shop and holding hands. Take away night. Talking. Being thoughtful towards each other. Together 30 years, married 23. Love him as much as I ever did.

DP works away sometimes. I write him little cards to read before he goes to bed while he is away :-)

If he is working from home he walks me to the Metro platform and meets me off it and sometimes travels to my work to meet me for lunch

Also, we have lots of fun together - walks, swimming, films, cooking tea. Just little things because we love being together.

We are both huge film fans and Disney fans, we probably watch too many films if that's possible I always talk too much and ask questions, DP gets annoyed but he knows that's what I do.
I used to leave little notes for him to find too, should probably start doing that again.
I cut his toenails, pluck any stray eyebrow hairs and generally groom him kinda thing
We have LOTS of in jokes, reference film quotes in day to day life

I think its all about communication and compromise and being able to have a laugh with each other

My DH and I , he died 2 years ago after 26 years together, used to get up on Sunday mornings and have a 'civilised' breakfast before DC were up. We also sat outside on summer evenings and looked at the stars, I always think it is the little things you remember. I still can imagine he is holding my hand and it is wonderful. Love this thread.