Simple things that keep a relationship strong?

[fuzzpig]

Random hopefully uplifting thread... been thinking about this lately.

DH and I have been together over 10 years now and are generally rock solid, totally in love blah blah blah :o but lately as our circumstances (injury, disability, work, money etc... not to mention two small DCs!) has got even worse, we have been a bit more strained than we have ever been.

So for the first time we are really needing to work hard at our relationship as opposed to happily plodding along, and it got me pondering about small things we can do (ie because we have very little time, energy or money!) to bond a bit more.

The other day, DH met me from work, and as we had half an hour before he needed to catch the bus for the school run, we walked through the mall and had milkshakes (as an aside. Wispa and raspberry. Wow.) and just chatted... we get hardly any child free time and it was so much nicer than just going straight home.

Making an effort to actually watch new films in the evenings (I get free rentals with my job) rather than just collapsing in front of any old thing, as it is something fun to discuss.

Reading to each other - this is something we used to do pre DCs and I'd really like to get back to it - got through the Hobbit, most of the Harry Potters, His Dark Materials and various other series. We alternate chapters.

What are your tips/ideas please? :)

What a lovely thread.

Simple things that often go overlooked.

I agree about the going to bed at the same time. Dh had a habit of staying up later than me, then I would fall asleep, then no sex. then dh felt I was ignoring him. Now we make a point of going to bed at the same time.

Agree too about physical contact, very important otherwise you can grow cold.

Making an effort. Something I have recently started to do again. No longer do I tell dh that I am tired on a Friday night if he asks me to go to the pub with him. Now I always put something nice on, make up on and off we go together no matter how late it is.

Planning events as well as spontaneous ones. discussing upcoming events too, so that we can get excited about them.

I make sure he sees me in my work uniform every now and again!

Octopus make sure you have plenty of vitamin C in your diet too, it aids absorption of iron :)

This is probably TMI but DH and me have always kept things passionate by having regular sex (although I didn't have sex for 9 months after giving birth). We've agreed that the minimum is 2 times a week and any less than that and we know we have problems. It's not always long, passionate sex: often it's just a quickie in the kitchen when DD is out with the PIL. But it helps us to connect as a couple and to remember that we're not just DD's parents. When DH was busy studying it was just two times a week, and it's at strange times due to DH's long work hours. We've always been into massages too: just undressing eachother and rubbing coconut oil into the other's skin is a great way to bond. We also go out for dinner together twice a month, and leave DD at home. We have places that are for just the two of us (certain restaurants and bars), places we wouldn't take DD as we don't want to be in parent mode there. As of this week DH has made a deal with me that he will always passionately kiss me goodbye rather than the usual 'Bye, Mango' shouted as he's half way out of the door. I'm going to start doing the holding hands thing! Also, including the other in everyday things helps: if DH hs just got home from work and i'm in the bath he'll come and talk to me, rather than going to see what's for dinner or checking his emails.

IloveGeorgeClooney I'm sorry for your loss but thank you for reminding me how fragile and precious life is.

Our 'glue' is laughter. After 17 years DH and I still make each other laugh and we both remember funny things from our days to tell the other one. We both have a wierd filthy sense of humour and I've never met anyone who makes me laugh as much as he does. We both love food and wine. Meals with friends are great for us as I love seeing him at his best with friends.
Our shared love is walking in the countryside and travelling but I'm too disabled for those now. I still encourage him to go without me and he does but its not the same for either of us.
I think we encourage each other in our careers and are interested in each others lives but we sometimes take each other for granted.

I'm going to nick some of the ideas off here - reading to each other and planning things in advance as we're definitely guilty of collapsing in front of the telly.

Ooooh DH and I also bond by admiring DD together. I'm in awe of her intelligence (DH takes credit for this), he's in awe of her almond eyes and full lips (my features) and we both love her thick, long jet black hair (definitely from DH and his family, her Indian heritage is to thank for this). We still can't believe what a perfect thing we created, 11 years later! Doing unplanned things together is good, tomorrow i'm going to meet DH from work as a surprise and drive to one of our favourite city centre bars for cocktails and food. Maybe surprise him by also going in Ann Summers.

DH works late some nights (midnight) and misses tea. I make him tea anyway, put it on a plate, covered, in the fridge with a note on the table for him. He can either nuke it, or, the other day the kids and I went on a picnic after school, I make him a picnic plate with it all, right down to strawberries, and dunkers . Empty plate in the morning!

Lie-in from time to time, then woken with a coffee.

Holding hands

Kissing and saying we love each other, for no obvious reason (ie he's just done something nice).

Spending time alone with each other, even it is 20 mins for a coffee/soft drink,somewhere that is not home.

Having a bath together.

Having a nice meal - candles, started and main, napkins, wine in chiller, getting dressed up for it. We call it going to 'Restaurant [dd's name] or Bistro [DSs name]. Like a 'date'.

Laughing. We do so much less of that now i do. We need this back.

And, like you, health, disability, pain, stress have battered our own solid tight knit relationship that has been through many storms with little scars, but now the pressure has taken it's toll and we have to work harder at the moment to remind each other, this is not our fault, this is not 'us', this is life chucking a wave at us and we just have to ride through it, with some efforts to remember why we are so solid in the first place.

Wait a minute laqueen do you mean he actually writes in the book?

Singing along (very badly) to naff 1980's songs.

hides thread.

LaQ - what does he write whilst you're in the loo?

"Oh wife of mine
I really love you
Thought I'd write this
Whilst you're having a poo"

Maybe his verse depends on how long one is gone for?

I'm lonely and jealous, but enjoyed reading this thread

fuzzpig this is a lovely thread. Thank you

:o at the poo poem!

We like baths with wine. It's not even a sex thing, I think we're just both so addicted to electrical gadgets that it's nice to have some forced space from them.

'be kind whenever possible, it is always possible'

Yy to the little things if my dp is not working that night will run a bath just before I get home so as soon as i get home i can jump in.

If we pass each other a quick back stoke or kiss dp somthimes comes over to the sofa to get a ciggie and always gives me a kiss. If watching tv and both on sofa we reach out to each and hold hands.

Back scrubbing with a loofah and a big handful of olive oil and rock salt.

Cookery.

A Waterstone's Hunting Licence, which is permission to spend £30 every two months on books. I got her the same for her Kobo.

And a kiss or hug every hour if possible.

Seems to have worked for the last 24 years.

Playing games? DH and I play Lexulous (kind of online scrabble) all the time. Also, taking turns to cook a special meal for eachother once a week AFTER the kids are in bed (or out with grandma etc) - light some candles, use a tablecloth and dress up for eachother.

Ooooh DH and I also bond by admiring DD together

awww yeah we do too mango, we still can't believe that we created such a beautiful thing together, we made her soppy i know

Agree that generally being kind and respectful to each other is a biggie. The way I hear some of my friends & family (couples) talk to each other makes me sometimes.

And just as important I think is the way you talk about each other to other people. I would never slag off DH to other people - or tell them any of the many things I consider private between us - whereas with other people I know there seems to be a bit of an ongoing contest to see who can moan about their H the most .

I see it as our relationship being in a little bubble that others are welcome to float around close to but can't get into it, if that makes sense.

A bike ride and a picnic.

Loving this thread but it's makin me a wee bit & too. DH & I used to be sooo close. In the early days he used to work away and absencereally did make the heart grow fonder, just hearing his voice on the phone made my heart soar, and of course our time together was very special.

Sadly, 3 DCs, one serious chronic illness (his), several bouts of depression (both of us), and stresses with our families (his mum has a drink problem) we are finding it hard to be as rock solid as we were 10 yrs ago. But we are both clinging on & reading this thread has inspired me to make more of an effort. It is hard though as DH is in
constant pain, depressed, suffers really badly with fatigue etc so simple things like going for a walk or having a quick shag when kids are out arent so easy for us.

So agree with those saying physical contact is important, even if its only a touch or hug when passing. Also making an effort to have sex (despite ED & energy probs) is one of the things holding our marriage together & I think if that goes our marriage will be in the shit.

Well done to all of you for keeping the love alive & so nice to see a positive thread for a change as its usually horrible stories of abuse, infidelity etc on here