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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 30/05/2006 01:37

You need to leave and i think you have decided that youself already.
if he says he is putting the house up for sale you need to seek legal advice pronto hun. he needs your permsion first but tbh i dont think he actually has doen anythign about selling. oi think it is a ploy to get you to fall back in line. fear of loosing your home will make you do as your told and behave like a good wife should. (Angry)

as for SS your Hv will note it on your file but they will not be informed unless HV feels that the children are in continued risk. clearly they rae not as they are in your care. even if they were informed ( if they rae it will be because of your Dh NOT you) and there is little for them to do other than come and tell him off for being so stupid as to leave children at home unattended.

whether you beleive he will take the chidlren or not you shoulf get te incident logged. as it has been said before he may well instigate a custody battle simply to put more pressure on you and to control you even more.

you clearly have many freinds on here who care deeply for you and can see that you are in need of support. i hope you are able to get some advice from a solicitor. whether he is or isnt selling up i think it best for you to speak to someone with regards to a legal seperation. there may be some legalities to sort out to formalise things so best find out abut them before showing your hand.

good lcuk

batters · 30/05/2006 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marina · 30/05/2006 09:30

I posted to you at the weekend and the broadband ate it. So glad to see this name change VS, sending you lots of supportive vibes and a gentle reminder to make that phone call today. XXX

verystressed · 30/05/2006 09:45

Thank you.Smile
He has gone quite human again, but I cannot be around him atm. He mentioned the house sale again & I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.
Trying to gear myself up to make this phone call.

Bugsy2 · 30/05/2006 09:49

Just seen all of this VS, I have been wondering how you are for a while. So sorry that all of this has kicked off & that he is still controlling & scaring you.
Glad you have got some good friends to support you. Please don't feel terrible about what you did - you did nothing wrong.
Wish there was some way I could help. Feel free to CAT me, if you think of anything I could do.
Big hugs to you.

dinosaure · 30/05/2006 10:36

Come on, please make that call!

batters · 30/05/2006 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vitomum · 30/05/2006 13:14

good luck with thye phone call VS. it will be a positive thing - information is power, you are taking control of your life.

verystressed · 30/05/2006 15:37

Feels very scary & final.

fuzzywuzzy · 30/05/2006 15:42

It's not final unless you want it to be. You are merely finding out where you legally stand. As it is he is threatening to sell the house from under you.

verystressed · 30/05/2006 15:46

Job done.

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 15:50

Well done you are incredibly brave.
jo xx

Marina · 30/05/2006 15:51

You rang, my lady. Well done vs, I hope they were helpful and supportive :)

verystressed · 30/05/2006 15:53

I walked...for miles! I now have a huge blister!

Marina · 30/05/2006 15:55

I am guessing you have to be so careful about what you post etc but I hope the effort was worth it, blister and all, and that you have more assistance onside in RL as of today :)

verystressed · 30/05/2006 16:09

Next Monday.
Feel a Radiohead & alcohol night coming on!

tribpot · 30/05/2006 16:10

YOU GO GIRLFRIEND!

Hoopoe · 30/05/2006 16:34

Oh wow!!! Well done! You've made tears come to my eyes... Really thrilled you've started standing up for yourself. You're worth it! (and not a l'oreal product in sight... Grin)

curlysmum · 30/05/2006 17:29

I also very rarely have time to post on these threads but I have to say from reading the first few lines at the beginning I also guessed straight away that you were SM or LW. All the good work you did with the Health Visitor etc has had little effect on this man..really I just cannot believe he would leave your children alone and drive around without picking up the phone to call you. If he was so close he would have got out of the car not hidden and spied on you. How long could he have been driving around for , I don't want to scare you but he really seems capable of anything. Please don't let your real life friend on here influence you and say 'he loves you' etc etc , the safety of your children is so much more important and he obviously cannot be trusted at all if he is prepared to do that.

I have a good friend who lived with a non- violent but controlling man like this and one day he snapped when she came home late and attacked her with a hammer and nearly killed her , for no reason . Please do not be sucked into this false sense of security of thinking he has changed for a couple of months as these men just revert back in a matter of minutes when the slightess little thing happens. Please follow this through this time , he really is a complete twat and they very rarely change , he will follow this cycle all his life with who ever he is with, hopefully it won't be with you for much longer.

Uwila · 30/05/2006 17:35

I have no idea who you are, but this man is a jerk. And you mother.... well words fail me. (and that doesn't happen often)

vitomum · 30/05/2006 17:42

well done. i don't know about your other threads either so am going just from this one. What i sense very strongly though is that you have come a long way already and are really ready and strong enough to make the change.

verystressed · 30/05/2006 17:49

My Mum said to my sister that she is worried that I will leave H & that I seem to think I will cope in some two up two down!!!
Why on earth wouldn't I??!

Freckle · 30/05/2006 17:52

Probably because your mum doesn't feel that she would, so assumes you are as feeble as she is.

Well done. You are doing fabulously. Ignore the negative responses. It seems that your sister is supporting you so stick with her and ignore your mum.

joanna4 · 30/05/2006 17:53

You are right you would I could think of far worse things-like a bigger house and an abusive husband!

vitomum · 30/05/2006 18:00

of course you would cope. you've been coping with a hell of a lot more than that already. It is sad for your mum that she cannot see a life for herself outside an abusive relationship and she is projecting her fears onto you. Try not to focus on her opinions as they are very coloured by her own experiences. It's great that your sister is there for you.