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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
joanna4 · 28/05/2006 19:35

It will strengthen your case for custody you need to make it known.

JonesTheSteam · 28/05/2006 19:38

Been thinking about you today verystupid.

I agree with the last couple of posts - you should tell HV about H leaving the kids alone - like joanna4 says it could be important for custody.

JTS xxxx

Rhubarb · 28/05/2006 19:41

SS would do nothing! I've left dd in the house alone whilst I've taken ds to nursery. It's not 'allowed' but it's not like he went clubbing or anything! They probably wouldn't even get involved.

I've lurked a bit on here but didn't really have anything constructive to say, you were getting such sound advice from everyone else! I have lots of male friends and would think nothing of going out for a drink with one of them on my own. Dh would think nothing of it either. It's happened lots, I get drunk with them, it's all about trust. He cannot control you, you are not a pet, you're a human being and you were doing absolutely nothing wrong.

Hope you can be strong and show him what a fool he has been, his controlling behaviour has ruined his marriage. Better that you get out now, you don't want your children thinking that his behaviour is normal! Because I can assure you, it is not!

SenoraPostrophe · 28/05/2006 19:42

vs - tell your hv about it. ss won't do anything because you obviously won't let it happen again, but I think it will help to let a professional know what's happened - it may be important later.

Rhubarb · 28/05/2006 19:44

Um, I suppose I agree with that, it helps to have that kind of thing on record in custody cases. Keep a diary of his behaviour, that will come in handy too!

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:46

I know I would not have a problem with custody. H would not cope with the boys on his own & has admitted this.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:49

I'm a bit scared.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 28/05/2006 19:51

it's ok to be scared - can you post what you are scared of it may help

SenoraPostrophe · 28/05/2006 19:51

By the sounds of it he would stop at nothing to keep his control - he might surprise you with a court case and i think you do need to cover yourself.

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:51

I am scared of SS taking my children awaySad

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 28/05/2006 19:52

It's a scary thing. But you are in the right here, you are doing the right thing. His behaviour will get worse and worse and will rob you of your identity, confidence, everything. Then your children will grow up thinking that his behaviour is normal and they will get into destructive relationships too. This way you are showing your children how strong you are, you are giving them a good example to live up to. Your kids are your main priority here, not him, and I think you are being a fab mum in putting your foot down over this!

It'll be scary, but there are loads of good people on Mumsnet ready to dish out brilliant advice both practical and emotional, so you're not alone!

Rhubarb · 28/05/2006 19:53

SS don't take kids away from their mums without a damn good reason - he's making you feel this way isn't he? They are not the facists they are often made out to be. Don't worry, you've done nothing wrong!

gothicmama · 28/05/2006 19:54

ss won't take your children away it is not in the best interest of your children, i take it tehy are fed and loved and other than h leaving them nothing else is happenning. If you leave teh situation ss may provide you with help and support after all they have to try to keep children with birth parent.

franke · 28/05/2006 19:54

I'm another who's lurked here and wanted to voice my support vs (wish you'd change your name (to something like marriedtoverystupid)). Anyway, I think you should think very carefully about the house being sold. I don't know too much about all this, but would venture that half of the proceeds from your house might not get you too much, whereas if you stayed put and managed to get H out, you'd be better off (and it would be less disruptive for the kids). Also you might like it a bit better without H there. Your solicitor will be able to help you with this. Good luck - you sounded so scared at the beginning of this thread, it's really no way to live.

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:55

Yes they are fed, clothed & very much loved.

OP posts:
gothicmama · 28/05/2006 19:55

try not to listenm to h he will be feeling desperate,

gothicmama · 28/05/2006 19:56

I thought they would be Smile hang in there this saying helped me when leaving xh the darkest hour is only 60 mins hope it helps you too

joanna4 · 28/05/2006 19:57

When you look back on this when all this is over you will look back and marvel at the strength you had to get through.Your kids as they grow and realise what you had to do for a better life for all of you will be proud too hang on in there you can do this and we will all help however we can.

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 19:57

Thank you.
I love MN!Smile

OP posts:
joanna4 · 28/05/2006 19:59

Yes please change your name.xx

BeetrootOldDeer · 28/05/2006 19:59

VS, just worked out who you are.

Please please he is being manipulating and you have done nothing wrong.

My email addy is beetroot beetroot at hotmail dot CO DOT UK

If you need somewhere to escape to ...!

Beety!

franke · 28/05/2006 20:00

and I didn't mention the custody issue becaue I don't think for a second that you'd lose the kids - it's a no-brainer.

NotQuiteCockney · 28/05/2006 20:00

I am with the general consensus here, and glad you're seeing sense.

Now please change your name!

tribpot · 28/05/2006 20:00

To be brutally honest, I think there is a much greater likelihood of SS intervening (doubt very much it would ever go as far as taking the boys away) if you stay with this man and his behaviour continues to deteriorate.

As it is, after Friday night you're basically committed to never going out with friends until late, for fear of him leaving them alone again. What next? Slowly but surely all of the few remaining freedoms you have will be whittled away (think how hard it has been for you to post on MN, and the comments he has made about it to - surprise - your mum in the past).

You really do need to put yourself and the boys first. You've already seen how he intends to win the 'publicity war' if/when you split, this whole sorry saga of the bloke on Friday and how badly it made you feel you were in the wrong. None of that matters as long as the three of you are safe and secure. He may say he wouldn't fight you for custody but who knows what he might do when he's cornered.

Please do see a solicitor, could one of your RL/MN friends go with you? It might be easier for them to give the facts dispassionately if it gets too much for you.

ggglimpopo · 28/05/2006 20:02

As a (very ex) hv, I can assure you that the blame for leaving the children in the house alone would and does lie very firmly with your husband. You would only be found fault with if you went out knowing that he would leave the children alone.

By doing so, if push comes to shove, he has done himself no favours as being seen as a either a good parent or reasonable caregiver. I assume your boys are fairly little - as such he behaved negligently by leaving them alone. If, God forbid, something had happened, he would have been held wholly responsible by default, not you.

For what its worth, you sound like a lovely person and he sounds like an arse.

You deserve better.

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