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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very stupid

295 replies

verystupid · 27/05/2006 11:21

I have changed my name for this post as I am so ashamed of what I have done, but need to talk.
My husband & I have had quite severe relationship problems recently, which have calmed a little in the last couple of months.
Last night I went for a night out with a friend & had a good time, but at the end of the night we couldn't get a cab. My friend & I phoned several taxi firms, but got no joy. While waiting around for a cab, my friend started speaking to a male friend that she knew from school. We started to walk home & this guy walked along with us. He was mainly talking to my friend.
Eventually my friend got through to a taxi firm on her mobile. The cab arrived, but as I was so near my home, this friend of hers said he would walk me to my house as he lived nearby.
I stupidly agreed to this, as the bloke was happily married & had not tried it on with either of us. I know how stupid that was now, but at the time with several drinks in my system & so near to this my home, I stupidly accepted.
I was quite panicked about getting home quickly, as my husband gets very angry if I am late, but I very stupidly did not phone my husband (as I normally would) & explain why I was late getting home.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, this bloke was fine. He didn't try & chat me up or anything, but seemed concerned that I was panicking so much about my husband getting angry. I explained that he had a temper & this guy gave me a bit of a "you only live once & get out if you are unhappy" talk.
I saw a car drive through our estate & had a feeling it was H, just before reaching my house.
When I got in it was around 3.30am & the upstairs light was on.
H quizzed me about where I had been & I told him I could not get a cab & had walked home with my friend.( which I had done, except for the last little bit of my walk) He called me a lyer & said our marraige was over as he had seen me with this bloke & knows I discussed our relationship, as he drove out looking for me. I told him the full story of how this bloke was a happily married friend of my friend, who was not trying to crack on to me & that the reason he was saying get out if you are not happy, was because I seemed afraid of my H's response to me being late home.
This guy gave me a little peck on the cheek before leaving me & H saw this too.
He has gone berserk at me (which I know I deserve) & told me our marraige is over. Our marraige has been hanging on a very fine thread for a long time now, but things seemed to be improving a little.
I am so very ashamed with myself. He is at work all day today & I feel so bad that I can barely function for my children. I just keep crying & DS1 keeps asking why I am sad.
I know I should have phoned H & can't believe I didn't. I was afraid of waking him because I knew he had work early today, which I know now was very wrong. I also know that it was very wrong to let this guy walk me to my house, but it was all very innocent.
I have tried phoning H on his mobile, but he doesn't have it switched on.
I feel so terrible. I just don't know what to do with myself.

OP posts:
MrsBigD · 28/05/2006 20:07

verystupid, I have only had time to read the orignal post and a few others...

you did NOTHING wrong and who knows what could have happened had you walked the rest of the way on your own instead of with a man that sounds perfectly harmles and normal. I for one know that my dh would defo prefer that than me walking home on my own.

your H leaving the kids on their own is unforgivable - HE is the one in the wrong!

I don't believe SS would just take the kids from you. Especially with the HV having been round due to the domestic situation and the councelling... I'm not expert though but would certainly hope so!

I hope you find the strength to come to a decision what ever that might be. Be strong! Even though it's probably not all that easy.

Good luck

vitomum · 28/05/2006 20:08

VS there is no reason on earth why your custody of your kids would be at risk - i suggest the fact that you are even thinking this may even be a possibility is all about your confidence and self esteem being low and nothing at all to do with your actual ability to parent. it is obvious to all here that you are a responsible, strong and loving parent.

wessexgirl · 28/05/2006 20:19

Please don't worry about losing your children - there is no way SS would blame you for your h's stupid behaviour. Thinking of you xx.

verystupidsfriend · 28/05/2006 20:24

look VS you are getting yourself in such a major tizz about all this! i have emailed you! talking to all these MN ers is good, and may be it will help you sort a few things in your head, but really you should talk to DH if he has such major issues over this then may be he should off not you. Personally i just think that you are a much stronger person than you think you are and you have proved that over the last 6 months. you have come so far on your own and as a couple and as a family. you know DH is insecure and this is a prime example! he can be a class a twat and has done a lot of stupid things but he is not a baddie and you know it! just go and talk sort it out. You have done nothing wrong! go in there with that in your head and tell him to act like the 40 yr old bloke he is not like some stupid jealous teenager! love ya xxxxxxxxx

BeetrootOldDeer · 28/05/2006 20:34

VSF, sound advice. Can you do that VS???

Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 20:38

Have done! He is paranoid about me being unhappy with him it seems.

OP posts:
Original poster
verystupid · 28/05/2006 20:42

I know he can be a lovely bloke too, friend. But he is a scary bastard when he is cross.

OP posts:
verystupidsfriend · 28/05/2006 20:49

well you can't stop people from feeling paranoid and you can't change the way people feel. All you can do is tell him how it is! the only person forcing you two apart is him. if he feelsso strongly for you and loves you he will realise this. You are a strong person and you would be ok what ever happened. your mum and dad would stand by you because they love you. Dh would always see you right because he loves you. But this is all so unnecessary!this has gone on all weekend! if he has that much of a problem with all this tell him to come and speak to me! i'm here on my own dh is at work. He is taking the p playing the victim but trying to manipulate you. you don't need to sell the house or divorce or see a solicitor or worry about SS. just go and have it out tonight and wake up tomoorow with a clean slate! otherwise this will go on and on and go from one thing to another and before you know it the real reason all this started will be gone and forgotten and all the old issues will resurface. You cannot live the next forty years like this married to him either sort all these insecurities out once and for all or just agree that enough is enough and seperate. you are not a bad person you are a good loyal wife and mother! but you are also you and you are entitled to do things on your own with your own friends and to have your own private life respected by DH. He should trust you as you have never done anything to prove otherwise! xxxxxx

verystupidsfriend · 28/05/2006 20:52

i know he can be scary when cross. you don't need to be threatened. but he needs to realise he has nothing to be cross about. if he knows you are not intimidated by his temper then it will have no effect. he would never physically hurt you. sticks and stones and all that. it's just that feeling of being out of control and vulnerable. thats him not you. you are in control of your life. don't make any excuses.

ggglimpopo · 28/05/2006 21:06

Brilliant advice vsf. Listen to her verystupid. Take control and make him grow up or get out.

batters · 28/05/2006 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spangles · 29/05/2006 08:40

Hello VS (please change yr name)
Did you used to post on here under LW and before that SM?
If so I really think you have put up with this abuse and nobody can say you haven't tried hard to make your marriage work. Do you never imagine what it would be like to have your own place and not live in fear of the key in the lock when H comes home? I used to be in a situation similar to yours and once I had made the break it was like I could breathe again. Please dont put up with this any longer- for the sake of your children you need to make the break. Get as much info about what you will be entitled to and stop wasting any more of your life on this abuser... He will always be their dad ( I know you are worried that they will suffer if their dad is not around on a daily basis) but surely they will be happier in a more calm environment. once he see's that you are a strong woman he will lose the controll he has over you. I have often wondered what happened to you.. I hoped you had made the break and were enjoying the freedom but it doesent seem to be the case, however I really think you need to get out of this marriage NOW, see a solicitor and stand up to him... you have waited too bloody long to see if he is going to change. Thinking of you

verystressed · 29/05/2006 09:01

Have changed my name! Yes it is me, spangles - was pretty obvious wasn't it?!
Can't post much, as he is now paranoid about me going on pc (he is still in bed), but I know things will not change. Things seemed to calm a bit following his counselling & I thought (stupidly) that miracle changes may have happened, but they haven't.
Have had about 2 hours sleep. Cannot live like this for much longer.
Blu, will mail tonight when he has left for work.

Blu · 29/05/2006 10:57

Hiya - I'll be offline from lunchtime...but my henchwomen will be looking out for you Grin

I think if you can get him into line with a very staunch line of your own, and you still want him, then all well and good. But you have made a number of powerful interventions, and nothing has changed. But I agree - either he learns immediately, no more chances, to NEVER treat you like this again or HE gets out! (or you get out but on YOUR terms). You ARE a lovely mother, talented at your job...and your ability to be a great partner is not being appreciated one jot at the moment!

Hoping you get some little spaces to breathe freely over half-term,XXXXXXX.

verystressed · 29/05/2006 11:04

Have sent you a quick mail, Blu.Smile

verystressed · 29/05/2006 13:30

He has nipped out now, so I can post properly.
On Saturday night when he came home he was still sulky, so I kept my distance a little. He told me that the house was definitely being sold, as he had contacted the agents & they are coming to value it in the week.
Since all this happened I have been all over the place. Saturday & yesterday I seemed to spend pacing the house, as I was so wound up that I couldn't sit still.
Last night I couldn't sleep, so came back downstairs in the early hours, made myself a hot chocolate, switched pc on, but didn't have the energy to post anything on MN & then started reading through some old diaries from my younger days, which I have saved from my Mum's house.
I went back up to bed & he said "Getting a hot chocolate were you?" I said "Yes because I couldn't sleep & I also read some bits in my old diary"
He then turned round & said "I heard you switch the computer on."
I told him I did have a quick look on the pc, but was too exhausted to spend long looking on there.
He then said "You know I don't believe you."
I told him that he was being SO ridiculous & what the hell was so wrong with the pc being on. What on earth was he not trusting now & how it seems he has no trust in me to do anything atm.
Eventually got a couple of hours sleep. Feel a mess.

motherinferior · 29/05/2006 13:46

I'm thinking of you; and I'm worried for you. Take care.

vitomum · 29/05/2006 13:47

VS i don't agree with VSF - you HAVE tried to change him, it didn't work, you're scared of him, he is NOT going to change, it is not YOUR reposnsibility to change him, you deserve better.

verystressed · 29/05/2006 13:51

I know. I have done EVERYTHING in my power to change him & given him countless chances to prove himself. He said he would go back to counselling, but I don't think it has made much difference to his behaviour. He thinks it has helped, as he can control his road rage more now!
Will make an appt to see a solicitor. I have to.

harpsichordcarrier · 29/05/2006 13:53

VS (glad you have changed your name btwSmile you are not stupid nor have you acted stupidly)
I don't have very long to post but I just wanted to say: what IS all this nonsense about selling the house? Please please do not give your consent to this. It is your home and your children's home. In the event of a divorce it would be a lot more complicated than - you each get half. Stay where you are, I beg you. He is trying to intimidate you. Don't be intimidated. Don't let him turn you out of your own house. Stay stay say where you are.
go to the CAB or a solicitor ASAP and get yourself some decent legal advice.
sending love
HC xx

vitomum · 29/05/2006 14:01

Good for you VS. sounds like you have made a decision - that is a massive step, well done!! i am at work so can't post much either but am so glad you are seeing a solicitor as it seems entirely unreasonable that you and the kids should loose your home over this - you and the kids need to come first in this seperation and the solicitor can make that happen.

tribpot · 29/05/2006 16:08

Good for you, vs. Obviously consult with the solicitor about the house, but to be honest, I'd just play along with it for now. He is clearly only saying "I am putting the house on the market" as a way to punish and upset you, particularly since he cannot sell the house without your consent anyway (minor matter he seems to have forgotten).

Rhubarb · 29/05/2006 16:24

I think he'll be the sorry one when you leave. So far he thinks that he is calling all the shots and that you'll plead for him to stay. Make sure you know all your stuff and your plans are in place and then shock him with your control and coolness.
He hasn't deserved you for this long!

dinosaure · 29/05/2006 17:49

Yes, just to second what others have said, please do make that appointment to see a solicitor.

Thinking of you xx

spangles · 29/05/2006 19:17

glad you have changed yr name VS.. not much to say except PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take the advice given by your friends here on MN and see a solicitor ASAP. DO NOT agree to the sale of your house until you have got legal advice.. you need to get a good solicitor straight away. We are all here for you when you need us. stay strong.