I know I'll prob get a flaming...

[HurryUpWithTheWine]

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

If you tell her (and you probably will), the texts should be proof enough. I can't think of enough names to call you if you even hint that there are videos.
That is just evil, malicious spite. She has no need to know.

What the hell has she ever done to you, OP? Apart from hang on to this excuse for a man, of course.

Are you really, really this horrible?

Agree totally with Pictish.

Sweetie, you deserve - we all do - a nice partner who wants to focus on you. Not a duplicitous game-player. You are the lucky one because you can hold out for that. Now quit this mess and go looking for it.

And yes, I've been there done that.

I have been the betrayed wife. I wish someone had given me the courtesy of telling me, rather than having to be gaslighted for an extended time. I thought I was going out of my mind!

That said, just try to be factual.
Give her times and dates you were together. That should make it irrefutable. Provide her with your mobile number, in case she wishes to discuss further (I did).
Be prepared for a huge outpouring of grief, anger and blame. She will despise you and blame you entirely.
She will possibly provide details to mutual acquaintances with you painted as 'the scarlet woman'.
She may harass you. Possibly turning up for a physical confrontation.
He will probably start a campaign of harassment, and may behave in a threatening manner.

If you can handle all that, you should tell her.

I'm not blaming you for this, as I don't blame exH's OW (anymore). I ditched a dated and malfunctioning model and upgraded to the latest design. My life is significantly better than before, but the transition was pretty awful.

I think you do need to be prepared for the hornets' nest you may unleash. Just my take on things. Good luck.

I am giving OP advice because she has asked.

I really wouldn't discuss this with friends. It is the type of thing that her friends could easily judge her for, just as many MN'ers have, it is also the type of tasty gossip that some people find impossible to keep to themselves. If the OP can't keep quiet about it how can she expect others to do so. If she wants to forget about this and move on I would keep quiet.
I know MN advice can be very harsh but ithe fact it is anonymous is a very good thing.
The OP realises she has made a big mistake discussing with all and sundry wont change anything.

BTW I forgot to say fuck off back

Imagine in a couple of years when the wife is feeling stronger and she's sitting in a pub with her mates talking about her new man. The conversation moves to 'that bird gitface shagged. She'd got crap hair and cellulite. You could see it wobble on the video'.
Just saying. She'll move on but you won't be the heroine you think you will be.

I told my friends and they were more disappointed in me more than anything. Although one admitted doing the same at uni. They said they'd support me whatever I chose to do. We're all off on a girly hol when the presents have sold.

Sounds like you have good friends for support, let's hope the poor cow sat at home with her baby does too

Please don't even mention the existence of videos. That would be one of the cruellest things you could do. I actually can't believe you would consider that. There's proof in text form, that is more than enough if asked for.
You wanted her boyfriend for yourself and now you want to make sure she suffers the maximum hurt and humiliation too? That's how it will seem to all involved. Her knowing about you won't stop him doing it again. How do you know you were the first? The video exposé will hurt her far more than it will damage him.

Your friends might say they will support you whatever you do but they know you and know your better side, so you could vent to them, not the partner.
I hope you put this behind you and find someone you can form a happy relationship with.

Act with caution because you sound very vindictive and shallow. Remember it is not his gf and little baby that have wronged you whatsoever, they are INNOCENT in this.

Do not be responsible for fucking up their lives just because you've realised you were not as special as you thought you were to him.

You were a cheater, put it behind you and try to be a better character.

I really do think it would be best, from your own POV, to walk away. It's very, very easy to brood and obsess over What Went Wrong with affairs and relationships, especially those that were stacked against you (and, obviously, someone else) from the beginning. Move on. We all - well, many of us do anyway - make mistakes, do things we regret and yes many of us do things that cause harm. You're getting a repeated kicking here. Leave this behind you.

Stop messing with peoples lives.. leave the arsehole to get on with his life, his DP will figure it out soon enough.

Then do some work on yourself.

You need to put this behind you, work on why you felt the need to enter a relationship with someone in a relationship and make sure it doesn't happen again.

You have caused enough damage (of course he has caused a LOT more but he isn't on this thread) so walk away and don't cause any more.

You don't want to tell her out of concern. Delete the videos etc and move on and better yourself.

Do not mess with this poor innocent woman's live any more than you already have. She has enough to deal with when she finds out what her DP is like :(

I think OP knows what she did was wrong.

She has taken advice on board and decided to wait before reacting or making a decision.

Whatever her motivations for doing so - hurt/revenge/actual cruelty/misguided sisterhood - the question remains...

Should she tell OW?

Several people on here have said they would want to know. So would I. I?d want times, dates and proof. I suspect my EXDH did have an affair but I couldn?t find any proof (wasn?t on MN then eh?) and I wish someone had told me.

And actually, I?d keep both texts and videos if you do plan to let her know. Here?s why...

Similar happened to a friend:

My friend decided to let OW know. Her motivation was that he had just proposed to his girlfriend and she felt the women should know just what she was marrying.

I disagreed, for the record, as I figured she would find out for herself and wouldn?t thank her.

Anyway, she arranged to meet her face to face and calmly told her how long, when, where and apologised. She offered to show texts as proof and gave her number if she wanted it.

OW refused to believe her and stormed off.

GF then confronted the twunt who assured her my friend was a stalker psycho, had brilliant excuses and denials for it all. I was there when he then rung my friend, went mad, told her he would always deny it but that he?d still like to see her!!!!

I was also there when OW confronted my friend, drunk, surrounded by her ?gang? in a pub a few weeks later. OW?s friends were demanding proof, calling her every name under the sun, asking me and others if it was true. We all said it was, we?d seen them together, but it was over now. My friend showed her the texts.

She went on to tar my friend as a slut all over town and last time we saw him, he was laughing at my friend across the bar telling all his mates how he?d got away with it. She was left humiliated, hurt and angry.

They got married, but he texted her while on honeymoon pics of himself naked and he is sleeping with at least three women while his wife is now pregnant.

I?d be careful about telling her, regardless of intention. But I would keep texts in case she ever confronts you. And if they don?t believe the texts, maybe you do need the video. But I?d never offer it or let its existence be known

UG Tightfortime 3 women whilst she was pregnant :( Why are there so many slimeballs in the world :(

Hurry I agree with mother, you've taken enough on here, You're very brave to have know you would get a flamling like this and are trying to make the right choices now, that speaks a lot for you.

Even though I could never cheat on someone I love, I have made my fair share of whopper mistakes in life. Life is too short(I've just lost someone dear to me today) Find someone that will respect and love you to bits, free from all the drama you have got all tangled up in.
Good Luck.

Darn. I would want to know. My DP was cheated on multiple times by his ex and finally he got proof. If he had got proof earlier, he'd have left her ages ago. He feels he wasted Too many of his good years on that cheating bitch. And being married with a cheat was his greatest regret in life. Do we not owe it to people....a tiny small action like disclosure... For the likes of my DP to prevent years of regret like his?

You say if you were her you would want to know - why? Would you really want to have your heart and family broken? She has a child to protect in all of this and if she has suspicions she can tackle him herself. Or maybe she knew and waited for his affair to fizzle out. You have had your fun and been hurt by it but that is no reason to make her face what you perceive to be the truth. Yes he is a cheating scumbag but it is def not your place to tell her. Walk away and find a guy who is free to love you.

I had the OW contact me. She rang my mobile while I was at work (she knew my working hours) and when I didn't answer the calls ( I was in a meeting) started leaving anonymous texts telling me the details of their affair. I found the texts and asked who she was but just got more details before she eventually told me.

She followed this up with texting photos of a naked stbxh that he had sent to her. Her best mate then also started ringing me to let me know what a shit he was.

Although he and I are no longer together which I am very pleased about and I am glad that I found out and learned just how big a scumbag he is, the OW's campaign has left lasting scars. His reported reasons for being with me haunted me for a long time. Knowing loads of details also proved to be very painful and led to my constantly going over that period in my life which didn't help.

I wonder whether she got anything out of it ( other than the engagement ring he had given her). They split up, her marriage ended, I had nothing but contempt for a woman who knowingly slept with a married man with a small child and who accepted my hospitality whilst sleeping with my H.

If you must do it be brief, don't be cruel, expect abuse and leave a number in case she wants more info when she has adjusted to it. P

OP, I think you're an insecure, pathetic piece of shit.

And regardless of what is said on this thread you'll remain an insecure, pathetic piece of shit.

I'm not falling for your bullshit

if she has suspicions she can tackle him herself. Or maybe she knew and waited for his affair to fizzle out.

I completely disagree having been in both of those situations, I buried it, didn't want to tackle it but having it brought out in the open would have saved me making major decisions without knowing the full picture and prevented me wasting two years of my life.

If I do tell her, I would keep it factual by just saying times and dates and if she wants proof then I'd send her a couple of texts. I'd want to know so I could make my own mind up about him. This may not bother her, which is fine. If it would bother her like the majority she could stop wasting her life on a twat and find a guy that will love her and her boy.

You can say what you want about me, I expected it when I posted and that's fine also. Just glad I had the sense to end it.

Yes I was just a bit on the side but when he spends just over £5k on designer shoes, bags and jewellery you do think. Now I'll be a money grabber, but that's ok too as I know I never asked for these but they were no doubt a sweetener.

Least I get a girly holiday out of him, so every cloud and all that.

If you've really got her interests at heart why not give her the proceeds of selling your sweeteners so that she and the dc can have a holiday? She deserves it more than you do and she could plan her future at the same time.

Just a thought.

I am going to assume that your use of 'it may not bother her' is just poorly phrased.
I suspect you mean she may refuse to believe it or convince herself it was an aberration or some such.
I don't think anyone on here imagines or believes that news of your affair with her husband will not bother her.

Least I get a girly holiday out of him, so every cloud and all that.

Yeah and her don't forget to raise a glass to the lady who's probably been scrimping and thinking twice about buying herself a lippy whilst you've been enjoying the family money that should have gone on his wife and child.
Personally I'd be returning the proceeds so SHE can have a girly holiday but that's just me.

Good Lord. That poor gf and the baby. As for you, keep silent. How utterly indulgent of you to think you can still have some control over that family. I feel sick at the thought of the humiliation that poor gf will face with you so "helpfully" forcing her to see her and the baby's life change for ever. Who on earth made you God. You have behaved dreadfully and should walk away and not manipulate their lives any more. Lording it over that poor woman who has done nothing wrong except sit waiting for the baby's father to return after being with you. Shame on you being involved any further. Leave what little respect that gf has alone, she will know anyway and it is for HER to decide if or when she wants to deal with what YOU and the bf did.

I have left the situation. I'm not being god, I just think that if I was with a twat then I'd want to know. Obviously it would hurt like hell and I'd hate both of them, but I'd like to think that in some time I'd thank her for confessing. If she told me tactfully and sent a couple of texts proving it then at least I'd know for certain and it wouldn't sway me in chucking him out.

I didn't mean that it wouldn't bother her but she might forgive or just not believe/want to believe which would be fair enough.