Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'll prob get a flaming...

284 replies

HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 21:34

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

OP posts:
Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 04/06/2013 16:13

Pag I do realise this is what I want to do. I'll leave it a couple of weeks and see how I feel then. If I choose to tell her then I'm not going to gloat and just keep it factual.

OP posts:
Officershitty · 04/06/2013 16:14

I've just read the whole thread and wasn't going to comment. But I will. You need to grow up, op. I don't know how old you are but this sounds like playground spats when in fact you are playing with the lives of adults.
Oh, and get rid of the videos.

Pagwatch · 04/06/2013 16:24

Hurry, I think some time is a good idea.
It will allow you to organise your feelings which is never a bad thing.
I hope you make the best decision out of a bad situation.

badinage · 04/06/2013 16:53

Look, although I think it's a shit idea to tell her, mainly because you wouldn't be doing it for the right motives and I suspect you're way too cowardly to do it other than in cyberspace, when you won't have any idea of what frame of mind the poor woman will be in when she gets that devastating message, it's obvious you're not thinking straight by keeping those videos and even considering offering them as 'proof'. Unless you actually want to rub another woman's nose in it and hurt her.

You made those videos - not him. You'll probably blame him for that as well and it looks like you've tried to do that on this thread. But you made them and you kept them.

Can you not see that if his gf demanded 'proof' - all you'd need to do was show her one of the least painful of those 1000s of text messages you've been saving for some weird reason? One that showed her that yes, he was having sex with another woman (which would be painful enough) but not one that was going to put a jagged knife into a fresh wound? Can you seriously not understand how horrendous it would be for a new mother to watch her partner shag another woman?

Really?

Delete all those skanky 'souvenirs' and don't do anything until your anger and bitterness have calmed down a bit.

Cravey · 04/06/2013 17:04

Badinage she knows what effect it would have. We all know the effect it would have. It's been done out of malice. Nasty IMO but no doubt she will do what she wants anyway. I myself would be burning those videos. Not a good look on anyone really.

Thisisaeuphemism · 04/06/2013 17:04

Agree with Bandinage.

"I'm not going to gloat - but hey, look at this: here we are shagging!"

You said you worked together but you have only met twice? You said you realised that he wouldn't leave but when he said he would you didn't want him. It's all very confused. Give it some time. I can't believe that your only motivation is a sudden sisterly concern for this woman.

badinage · 04/06/2013 17:14

I'm trying to give the OP the benefit of the doubt here tbh. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would realise the difference between the horrendous impact of a video compared with one of the 'better' texts, but anger is an odd emotion and it can be occasionally blinding.

I'm really hoping that the OP isn't a cruel and nasty character like that and that with the passage of a few weeks thinking time, she'll get rid of all of this ghastly footage and will think again.

If you're a decent person OP, one day you'll be horrified that you ever thought telling that woman about the existence of this footage, or worse still sending her it, could ever be appropriate.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 04/06/2013 17:21

Yes we only met 2 because we only have an annual party and I only worked there for just over 2 years. We did socialise but not with partners, it'd usually be a pint after work.

I only broke it off a couple of days ago so yes I still have all the texts. I take your point about about the videos. Yes I did take them. He wanted me to but obviously I agreed. I wouldn't have suggested it but I was happy to go along with it.

I have ebayed all of his presents so that's good.

He said he'd leave of he could move straight in and when I said he couldn't he got angry so I finished things.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 04/06/2013 17:29

I think you took those videos and kept those texts because you intended to use them all along.

That level of pre-planned spite is really very cruel.

I suggest you step away from your reveal all plan, and take yourself to your GP as I believe you need help.

No mention of your friends in any of your texts. Do you have any?

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 04/06/2013 17:36

Do people really delete texts the minute after they end? I haven't kept them out of spite and yes I do have friends thanks.

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 04/06/2013 17:47

Why would you keep texts otherwise?

I suggest you ask your friends what they think about your plan.

Mine (and a couple happen to be here as I write) would be appalled and think I'd lost my mind.

shameshame · 04/06/2013 17:55

Hurry, you are doing yourself no favours on here. It's almost as if you want us to tell you how hateful this behaviour spunds. Sounds like you are processing your guilt in extreme ways. Consider this thread your cry for help and invest your energy into YOURSELF, definitely counselling an not how/when to spill the beans to this unassuming woman.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 04/06/2013 17:57

I've kept them for 2 days and I'm now mental? So I presume as soon as you split you completely delete then from you're life? I am seeing friends tonight so I'll ask them.

OP posts:
fackinell · 04/06/2013 18:18

I have a sneaky feeling, OP, that rather than advice you are looking for attention. Possibly why you found yourself in a situation with a married man.

Perhaps this was a one off, perhaps he has realised the error of his ways or maybe he will find another OW to take your place. Whatever happens now is none of your business.

If you feel you need to tell her then do so, but for the right reasons. I, for one, am tired of the OW threads ATM. What ever happened to sisterhood?

Get your OWN men!!!!!
Over and out.

AvonCallingBarksdale · 04/06/2013 18:36

OP, why does it matter to you if the GF believes you or not Confused Surely if you just want to let her know, then it's up to her what she then chooses to do with the information. I just can't picture the scene
OP - I've been shagging your BF, your son's father
GF - I don't believe you
OP - It's true, look at all these videos I've handily kept just in case this very situation arose.

Or, do you want to tell her, so that she kicks him out and he comes back to you, is that it?. Either way, you both sound pretty self-obsessed.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 04/06/2013 18:38

"The time to tell her was after the first time you shagged this swordsman

You missed your time. Now you need to shut up and put up.

Go away and sort your own behaviour out, instead of belatedly judging him"

Totally agree

You might be angry with yourself for having a relationship with someone who you now see as a git, but the best thing to do now would be not to make the same mistake again

50shadesofmeh · 04/06/2013 18:40

NO NO NO , I was told by the other woman and it made me really ill, I don't understand how someone could be so cruel.

IKnowWhat · 04/06/2013 18:50

Don't discuss this with your friends....it is too self indulgent, too much drama llama.

Delete everything (especially the videos, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING Shock !!! )

Get on with your life.

pictish · 04/06/2013 18:55

Don't discuss this with your friends....it is too self indulgent, too much drama llama.

I beg your pardon? I think she can discuss whatever the fuck she likes with her friends actually!

And I think she can keep the texts and videos for as long as she likes as well.

And I think I'm pretty fed up of reading everyone here deciding what the OP should do.

She has done wrong...but none of you OWN her because of it!

"Don't discuss this with your friends"
Fuck off.

Mother2many · 04/06/2013 19:24

So, many saying, No, just walk away...Wow... I am surprised. I'd want to know. Why so, someone else could fill "her shoes"...? How many woman could he go through before you found out? If the 1st one at least told you.... as hurt as you are, your could either deal with it.

20 yrs ago type thing, my partner, left me for a short time, came back, and he had Crabs... Guess who called her to let her know to go check herself out! YEP... ME!!

Anyhow...if you do.... do it tactfully... expect Anger from both of them.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 19:25

if Op asked for advice, then people will give advice

it's how MN goes...you know that, pictish

pictish · 04/06/2013 19:28

No I'm sorry but it has gone beyond advice, and into the realms of being dictated to, and I cannot agree with that.

Her wrongdoing is not a licence to tell her how to conduct her entire life ffs!

AnyFucker · 04/06/2013 19:33

I don't think the advice was not to speak to her friends about anything just to not raise this particular issue she has posted about

however, I feel that she should... because if her friends have anything about them they will also do the RL equivalent of the MN pasting she has had for considering this cruel and really rather vile course of action

Sidge · 04/06/2013 19:36

But what is to be gained from telling the girlfriend what her skanky cheating toerag of a boyfriend is up to?

An attempt to appease the OWs guilt? (Yeah right)

An attempt to push the GF into kicking her BF out and straight into the arms of the OW? Well she's already said she isn't ready for that (but she was quite happy to boff him on the sly)

To rub it in her face even more that the OP has got one up on the GF - "I was shagging your BF but in case he doesn't tell you I will because I'm obviously such a nice woman..."

To show her the videos of you two fucking? That's just messed up.

OP - Just because he's hurt you doesn't give you the right to hurt his girlfriend because you can't hurt him.

pictish · 04/06/2013 19:37

Oh agreed. She absolutely should discuss this with her friends, because with any luck they will back up what we've all been saying, and in doing so save her arse from ever being suckered by a charming liar again.

But either way, what she chooses to discuss with her friends is not within the jurisdiction of anyone here...and when you start getting into I-will-decide-for-you territory....then it's a big no no imho.

Swipe left for the next trending thread