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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I'll prob get a flaming...

284 replies

HurryUpWithTheWine · 03/06/2013 21:34

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

OP posts:
MatureUniStudent · 06/06/2013 08:53

You are controlling it even now. You have no right to do that. It is indulgent at best and you know you have no right to continue destroying her life. Grow up, you ended it, so stop obsessing over it, walk away and leave that family alone.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 06/06/2013 09:18

Ok that's fine if you wouldn't want to know but I think she deserves the truth. I'd hate to not know and be building my life with a cheat. Surely it'll leave her more devastated if she finds out in years to come when someone else tells her? They could have more kids, she could have given up her career and more importantly wasted her best years with him.

I was probably not the first and I doubt I'd be the last. I was bitter about that but after some thinking and chatting with my mates I'm the lucky one. I don't want to ruin her/her sons life at all ( I know I did that when I shagged him) but I'd rather know.

He showed no remorse and he's probably already looking for the next one. If he had shown some remorse and said that he regretted heating with me and wanted to make a future with his gf and child it wod be completely different and I'd keep quiet. It was his reaction that made me angry. He is ruining her and their child's life by not giving a damn.

OP posts:
MatureUniStudent · 06/06/2013 09:25

Good Lord there you go again with what YOU think she would want to know. Leave them alone for the damage you have done and your part in it sow some empathy and leave them alone. You sound like an angsty 14 year old not a woman who has behaved very badly. Who cares what you think. There is a child involved in this and you cannot behave in a godlike manner decreeing when you will destroy that family further. Butt out, learn your lesson and get on and enjoy your own life. Utterly indulgent.

Sparklypinknails · 06/06/2013 09:25

You are full of shit. Why now? Why does she only deserve to know now? Because you found out she wasn't the devil after all and he was? Such a ridiculous excuse. Even if she was the cuntiest cunt on the planet to him and he had told the truth on that, that doesn't make you sleeping with him any better than if she was an angel.

And every time you post you just highlight even more that its not about her deserving to know, its revenge, plain and simple. If he'd shown remorse, you wouldn't have told? Why? Why doesn't she deserve to know if he's sorry but if he's not, she does? Because its not about that, that's why. Its about you trying to cause him pain because he doesn't give a shit that you ended it and you have finally realised you are completely replaceable to him.

Its pathetic the way you parade it as concern for the child too. If that was true, as soon as you found out he had a child, you would have ended it.

QuintessentialOldDear · 06/06/2013 09:29

Self indulgent twaddle.
You thrive on drama. First in going with him. And now being all self righteous. You just want importance.

This reads like a kiss and tell. Move on.

SlowJinn · 06/06/2013 09:39

Leave the poor woman alone and stop obsessing about her and her child. You were second best, and you sound very bitter. You have no idea of the dynamics of their relationship and you have absolutely no right to interfere. Move on with your life, maybe get some counselling to address your low self esteem.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 06/06/2013 09:59

Thanks for all the input but I've got the general consensus.

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 06/06/2013 10:13

I would want to know. Sorry, but I would, and that is the case even if the person telling me was doing it for all the wrong reasons. I would still want to know if my partner was fucking other people.

So I think you should tell. You should NOT however show her or even allude to the videos. You should delete them forthwith. If she chooses not to believe you after you tell her - or she asks for proof and doesn't even believe the texts There is still NO excuse for showing her the videos. Please don't do that. But yes, I would tell her - because I would want to know

Bogeyface · 06/06/2013 10:40

Well I tried to be helpful, despite my own feelings but now you are crowing about getting a holiday out of it?! You absolutely disgust me.

You shag her husband, want to send her videos of him fucking you and now are going on holiday with HER money! And yes, it is her money too, they are a family and whats hers is his and vice versa.

You are a low down piece of scum and I have no doubt whatsoever that you do not give a single shiny shite about her at all.

Cravey · 06/06/2013 10:57

You know what ? Maybe she should be told. Maybe she has the right to know. But at the end of the day not in the nasty, spiteful way you are suggesting. You are coming across as very nasty. A the end of the day you and her partner both did wrong. You knew he was involved with a child. I really think you need to get over yourself and concentrate on moving forward. Stop worrying about ruining her life. If she finds out then that is her to cross to carry. You almost sound as if you are enjoying all the drama of this.

Cravey · 06/06/2013 10:58

Also re the money. You are coming across as no more than a high rent call girl. It's time to get over yourself maybe even move on and see whose life you can plan on trashing next.

Fooso · 06/06/2013 11:28

I just wanted to add something. In my case the OW sent me a letter telling me that my partner had been seeing her for 2 years AND fathered her son, while I sat at home with our 2 year old son. It broke up my marriage and left my son growing up without seeing his dad every day. I blamed him not her - but I think she has had to live with the knowledge that she started the ball rolling?... could you?

wonderingagain · 06/06/2013 11:43

I still think you should tell her and offer to give her proof if she would like to see a text or two. I am concerned like you that he will continue to cheat on her. You said he got angry when he didn't get his way, that's a red flag imo.

Telling her might make something positive out of this mess.

SmileyEyez · 06/06/2013 12:13

Hi OP

I have just read this thread and being the wife of someone who had an affair I can tell you I would definitely want to know BUT not from the other women because in your case it is obviously sour grapes on your part that this bloke never chose you.

Most men never choose the mistress and if they do then there is a vacancy for the next mistress as men like this rarely change, so unfortunately I am sorry but he probably will fill your place with someone new.

I understand you fell fir this man in a big way and truly believed he wanted to be with you and I know you believed every word, I am guessing you are young and thought he was the one and he wasn't.

Your pride is hurt that he wasn't bothered you ended the relationship we understand that too but your telling his girlfriend is your way of trying to hurt him, not inform the girlfriend!

If the mistress had rung me to tell me she had a relationship with my husband my natural instinct would be to stick by my husband , why? Because I would think you we're like Glen Close in that Movie with Michael Douglas , a bunny boiler!

Please don't get me wrong I am not dishing you for following your heart at what you thought was the real thing, you were fooled but now it is time to walk away with dignity and put All this down to experience and move on and find someone Single who will love and respect you as you deserve.

The best thing you can do is forget as all you are doing is festering and getting more obsessed with the situation.

There is a whole wide world of lovely Honest men out there, and one of them is waiting for you!!

SmileyEyez · 06/06/2013 12:31

Just remembered, Fatal Attraction , was the name of the movie .

SmileyEyez · 06/06/2013 12:37

Just remembered, Fatal Attraction , was the name of the movie .

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 06/06/2013 16:42

Great post Sparkly

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 06/06/2013 17:40

Well against all advice I told her over the phone and she wanted to meet me at her house. As I was off work as was she I went and took a friend along with me. Yes I'm a coward. She was understandably angry for the first 10 minutes but then she confessed that she has thought he was cheating for the last 3 odd years but never had proof. She was relieved I'd told her as he was making her think she'd gone mad.

She read all the texts (she asked to read them all) and then phoned the locksmith and booked In for an std test.
She called her mum to come over and she asked me and my friend to help pack his stuff up and called his mum to collect it all.

As for the money she insisted on me keeping half once its all sold as shes glad its not her being paranoid.

She's nothing like how he told me (obviously) and she said she can now finally move on.

Think this thread can be left to fade.

OP posts:
IKnowWhat · 06/06/2013 17:48
Shock
skyeskyeskye · 06/06/2013 17:50
Biscuit
AnyFucker · 06/06/2013 17:54

I am trying very hard to believe you

I really want to believe you

I struggle with these neat conclusions because I know life just isn't like that

Fuck it, I shall CHOOSE to believe you because I am enjoying a San Miguel in my garden, after a fucker of a day at work and I would like to raise my glass to this woman who is throwing her cheating boyfriend out on his arse

ProphetOfDoom · 06/06/2013 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HurryUpWithTheWine · 06/06/2013 18:02

I didn't imagine it to go like that at all, hence taking the friend.

She was saying she couldn't bear to leave him because he kept saying she was paranoid/nothing going on/ she needs to chill, but she could never catch him. Apparently he got worse after the birth of their son but she was too busy looking after him.

There were lots of tears from all 3 of us but see was massively relieved that she was right and someone had told her. She'd been trying to get into phones/emails etc with no success.

Whether or not you believe It is up to you. I've learnt a valuable lesson and she has her freedom.

OP posts:
Cravey · 06/06/2013 18:03

I am a little sad that she didn't give you a hard smack across the mouth. Women like you give the rest of us a bad name. Hope you feel happy now you have destroyed someone's life. And yes he did it as well but of he started the fire then you more than poured the petrol on it.

Cravey · 06/06/2013 18:05

Also love the fact that you would like the thread to fade. You asked for opinions and when people didn't like the idea of what you were doing went all huffy. Now you have done what most of us said not to you want the thread to fade ?? You are one nasty narcissistic drama queen.