I know I'll prob get a flaming...

[HurryUpWithTheWine]

Today I ended it with a guy I've been seeing for a while. Yes I was the OW and I know how awful my behaviour was. If you were his gf would you want to know? I'm torn and can't decide what's for the best. I know I'm a bitch and whatever else you want to throw at me...

If you decide to tell her and she doesn't believe you that is her choice.

Saying 'here, have a look at this. Sorry, quite a lot of my bum crack in that shot but you get the gist' is indeed a bit weird.

Let's ignore the girlfriend for a minute and focus on you OP.

You stand to gain nothing from telling the girlfriend. Maybe a part of you feels that if you told her you would doing a good deed and you would feel better for the shitty thing you did. But you won't (or you shouldn't).

By your own admission you behaved terribly, feel bad about it etc, etc. telling this woman, and doing what you see as a good deed, will not negate what you did, or absolve you from some of the responsibility. I think deep down, you're hoping it will. Or hoping it will ease your guilt somewhat, but it won't.

The best thing you can do, for yourself never mind anyone else at the moment, is walk away. Their relationship was never yours to get involved in, by telling the girlfriend you are once again putting yourself in the middle of their relationship and no matter what the motive is behind it that is wrong.

I know you'll say "but wouldn't you like to know?" and yes, personally if my DP was cheating I would like to know, but I wouldn't want to find out from the OW, and it's really not your place.

Not only that, you say he's just going to do it again etc, but you obviously don't know him very well as he's lied the whole times he's known you. From what you've said I don't think this is the case but what if him and his girlfriend are very happy, he's realised what he did was a mistake and won't cheat again? What if from now on they can have a very happy relationship with no cheating? What if they potentially have a really bright future ahead of them where they're both happy, so is their son, they have more kids, get married and live 'happily ever after' and he looks back on his three months of infidelity with shame? I'm not saying all that will happen, but you're trying to justify telling the girlfriend on the basis that she'll be really unhappy when you just don't know. You may have an idea but you still can't be sure.

And the videos need to go. I'm not sure why you've kept them. If you do plan on telling her (after all the advice saying not to) then if she doesn't believe you then why trot some videos out? They'll do more damage than good. If she doesn't want to believe you then she won't. You've also said you have a lot of text proof- the videos are not needed to prove a point and you really should delete them.

They're not over porn sites as I'm the only 1 who has them and that's not something I would do.

I have said I'd only send them if she wanted to see them. If that would make her weird or both of us then that's fair enough. Mostly the vids are of him so she'd see what she sees regularly enough anyway.

Have you told her?? :(

Why can't you just move on - you actually deserve better you know

Do you really think that this will hurt him in any way for you to have your revenge? He doesn't give a shit about her so he will just shrug and move on.

Whilst she is left heartbroken and with a young child to raise on her own.

That may be better for her long time but it really will not affect him apart from which house to find next.

I haven't told her as yet but I will do when I've had some time to cool down.

Yes, I thinkit would make you both a bit weird.
But more to the point, it is one think to fel you should tell her, but why would you then feel compelled to prove it to her?

If you think the right thing is to tell her (and lots of others agree with you, although I don't) why does that extend into having to prove it to her? That becomes about you again - your word being doubted, you having to evidence you are not lying.
If you tell her and she doesn't believe you then that is her.

Again. I m just suggesting that you are not really understanding your own motivation. You are inserting yourself into this situation when you have no business doing so. The videos are just an extension of that. There is no reason for her to see them even if she were odd enough to suggest it.
Dignity and kindness would make most people decline. There is actually no reason for her to know they exist.

yes I agree the txt would be enough. especially if Hurry has as many as she states.
I disagree with Fobbly, if he is recording sex with women he's sleeping with, Whilst going home to his GF and DC, he's a special kind of slime.

Who would want a bright future with someone like that. Their affair wasn't a one night stand....and he would have continued had she not realised he wasn't leaving his GF, and ended it.

If DP doesn't tell his GF and probably won't tell who else will tell her? She ideally shouldn't be the one to tell, but I would want to know, and could care less who told me, it would not be nice news whoever the bearer of such news was.

So to summarise

WAH WAH MY BOYFRIEND HAS DUMPED ME. HOW CAN I GET REVENGE HELP HIS POOR HARD DONE TO GIRLFRIEND?! I KNOW ILL MAKE HER WATCH US FUCKING AND THAT WAY SHE WILL SEE HE ENJOYED PUTTING IT IN ME (JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE!!!) SEE HE IS A CHEAT AND SHE WILL BE SAFE FROM HIS EVIL! IM DOING THIS ALL FOR HER BECAUSE IM JUST SO KIND LIKE THAT EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE STILL WANTED ME AND I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO LET HIM CHEAT WITH ME.

I guess so, if someone told me my bf had cheated with them I wouldn't just believe them and take their word but I would want some proof. It would drive me mad not knowing if she was lying or he was and I'd have to know.

If that makes me weird then so be it.

Karma will bite you on the bum if you tell her.

How much more of a cow do you have to prove you are?

Leave her and her DC alone. Grow up and get your own life instead of trying to steal hers.

Oh yes overture I don't think that's the reality either, but is, albeit remote, a possibility. The reason I said it was mainly to get to OP to think about the situation differently.

Xales is also right, :(
That is my XH to a T, I'm happy to be well rid of though. The OW he is now married to has to deal with his new OWs, sad bit is, they have had DC and he's carrying on acting like a prize....
Aw well, my mum says its karma, but I feel for the new DC maybe not so much for his OW/DW :(

I've never asked for sympathy! I know what we both did was wrong. Thanks for the contributions.

Well Ok. But you said you have emails that prove it?

And again, why are you feeling the need to care about her choices. You don't really care about her all of a sudden so why do you have to prove anything to her. What if there were no videos?

Fair enough Fobbly, sorry for the misunderstanding.

Oh please leave hurry alone FFS! She isn't the scumbag, he is. And his gf needs to know that her nice little family is based on a lie.

But please leave the videos out of it.

They are both scumbags :)

Orm. I am not having a go at her. But I genuinely think she is isn't thinking this through.
Even if she ultimately tells the girlfriend she shouldn't until she can do it without wanting to use it for her own purposes.
I think being told by someone using your hurt to get at your partner would be the worst of a whole range of shitty options.

Don't be sorry overture you're allowed to disagree I just didn't want you thinking I was a scumbag sympathiser!

ormirian not sure who your post was aimed at, but I actually think hurry has got off fairly lightly considering what these threads usually turn into. I'm not calling her a scumbag by disagreeing with telling the girlfriend, I just don't think it's the right way to go

I don't think there are unshitty options tbh pag

Been there and it hurt even when OW didn't tell me. I honestly don't give a stuff what hurry's motives are - as long as GF finds out.

I wasn't aiming my comment at anyone in particular btw

agree Ormirian :(

Gosh aren't you just lovely ? You aren't interested in her welfare. Tell the truth. It's is about revenge. That poor girl has done nothing wrong and lives with a cock. Then you want to go and make it even worse for her.

Fair enough Orm.
I disagree but I do take your point.

I just wish the op would recognise she wants to do this. If she really understood she is getting a frisson of drama out of telling the GF she might realise how shitty that is and actually approach it with some humility and kindness.