DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

Af she's not been back so no i don't know that.
Go back to her op and she said that he asked is there something in particularbthat you want me to do.

Yes i would like you to do the washing everyday....

If he will not help then she hires help, does it herself , leaves him or continues to whine.

You can't ask for a fair split on housework if you do less hours than him.
You can.
You can't ask for 50-50 (well you can, but you shouldn't).
A fair split in this case could be 40-60, even 30-80 or 20-80, but that would mean doing something regularly, like washing up, cooking, putting kids to bed, taking garbage out.
Or (shock horror) wipe his own mess on the toilet seat.

Sigh!

Could we please stop with the "help her" business?

It's not about him "helping her", it's about him being a decent human being.

Poppy55 that's the equivalent of you leaving used tampons on the bathroom floor, expect your DH to pick them up and refusing to "help"- how is this acceptable?!

It really gets on my tits when it is referred to as "help". It isn't bloody help. Two adults in a house, both making mess, both eating, both requiring clean clothes and sheets. Why does the one with the penis not have to do his share and why are we supposed to present him with a big shiny medal if he "helps"?

And this has got nothing to do with OP having two days "off" per week.

If he doesn't want to do housework, he needs to pay for a cleaner to do his share or otherwise compensate you for doing all the chores. I suggest getting a few quotes from cleaners and asking him to choose.

It's not about 'asking' or 'help'. It's about pointing out to this idiot man that he is being a total bloody Neanderthal in his attitude towards his share of the housework.

I really don't see why she should 'ask nicely'. He sure as hell isn't being nice to her.

And while I fully take the point that lots of men are equally appalling in the housework department I do not, in fact, think that men who do clean (and cook, and put the washing on, and generally behave like functional human beings) are exceptional. They're just more, you know, aware that women are human beings just like them.

I think Neanderthal men did more cave work than this guy. Everyone had to work hard to survive back then. This type of guy acts more like he think he is some sort of prince, but since he isn't rich enough to have his very own maid he expects his female partner to act like one.

And what's with this 'didn't you talk about it before'? Last time I shacked up with a bloke - and I've done so more than once in the course of my long and ill-spent life - we didn't sit down and discuss housework because, er, both of us grimly resigned ourselves to having to do our share.

If he lived on his own, who would do the housework then? Working people still have to look after their homes

What jobs would you like him to do?

I think Neanderthal men did more cave work than this guy.

Not so sure.
I can imagine Neanderthal men painting the cave walls (probably Homo sapiens sapiens, but anyway...), walking out very proud and leaving the instruments to be cleaned and put away by the women.

Poppy55 the OPs dh is disrespectful and borderline abusive and you are borderline victim blaming. I cant believe what im reading in your posts in 2013.

When a friend of mine split with her husband a few years back most people were surprised. They have a disabled adult son.
He moved into a flat and when i went round to see his ex to see if she was ok she mentioned something in passing that told me all i needed to know. The ex husbands sister drove all the way over from the next big town a half hour drive away just to do his hoovering after hed moved into this flat. I shit you not. So its not hard to see why his wife filed for divorce. And his sister continued to drive over to do his hoovering for a while. This was a capable man in his late 40s in a full time job.

He obviously believed (prob still does) that testosterone explodes on contact with household appliances.

It's not a question of 'what jobs', surely, it's a question of 'doing his share'.

you both work 5 days a week each and he thinks you should do the housework on your days off

I'm with MI on this one

I kinda doubt the Neanderthal ladies would be cool with that after a long hard day of hunting mammoth, Lweji
Op's partner is not showing some age old hunter-gatherer behaviour, no, his behaviour is that of someone incredibly entitled. Even animals like cats try to cover their own execrement.

Countless research shows that women still do more than their fair share of domestic chores even when both work full time. The idea that most men pull their weight and that only a minority of women are silly enough to put up with a man who doesn't is a myth and serves only to make the OP feel even more responsible for things, since if only she were more demanding her P would pull his weight. He won't.

What about men that live alone then Dahlen. What do they do when they run out of toothpaste? Or need to remember an appointment. How do they know when to wash their clothes, or how often to empty the dishwasher?

There is only one reason that men behave like this. Because the women they live with allow it. Some even encourage it by making lists and giving instructions and reminders.

Men laugh about it. I've worked with men that joke to each other about how they get their wives to do things for them.

These comments remind me of my own situation. Sadly for us Africans this attitude has come to stay. It's the classical the woman tends the home while the man goes looking for the money.

Unfortunately nowadays the woman goes looking for the money also and tends the house:(

A man who can't clean the loo after weeing all over it needs to have a bucket on his pillow. Or a loo entirely for his own use, which no one else ever enters.

List all chores.
List all child care duties.

Ring round to get cost of paying someone else to do all of it.
Tot up hours you spend doing it.

Present him with bill.

Alternatively, show him the door until he grows up. Tell him that adults are responsible for the environment in which they live. This includes him as an adult. If he wants to be treated as a child he should go home to mum.

She won't do that Jux

Actually I am beginning to wonder if this is real as OP hasn't come back and it does sound a bit far fetched

(Am I allowed to say that?)

sadly it doesn't sound far fetched at all.
I guess the op has heard some uncomfortable truths and has to let it sink in and do some thinking.

Fairenuff - that's the point, isn't it. Men who live alone either do it all or live in a chaotic mess. It's not that they can't do it. Men don't have an anti-cleaning gene anymore than women have a cleaning one.

And most women don't want to do more than their fair share, it just seems to work out that way - quite often coinciding with the arrival of a first child and maternity leave. Quite often before then things are broadly equal.

I's not women making men abdicate their responsibility; it's social norms reinforcing it. While on maternity leave the mum often takes on a bit more housework because she's there more. And so it begins. Then think about advertisements for cleaning products and child-related stuff - 99% of which features women and is aimed at women.

And I think women are very unhappy about it - witness the countless posts on MN about it for a start. But when they tackle their partners about it, they meet with a lot of passive resistance and sometimes out and out abuse. THat doesn't equal women allowing it, it means men refusing to play fair.

BTW, I have a DP who wouldn't 'allow' me to do more than my fair share if I tried because - like any decent human of any gender - he takes pride in being a grown man who can take care of himself and doesn't confuse his partner with a personal servant.

Me too Dahlen but all these women post saying that they have 'tried everything' when in fact, they haven't. They have just accepted that their partner won't do it and they get on with it.

People always say go on strike, don't wash his clothes, don't cook his meals, put all his crap in a bin liner, etc. but these women don't. They keep picking up after their lazy partners. And as long as they keep doing it, nothing will change.

They are, in fact, encouraging the sexual stereotyping by passing it on to their children.

OP kind of said thanks and goodbye and said she was going to get a book. I'm hoping it's 'How to Poison your Husm band'

husband. bloomin fat fingers.