DP will not do any housework. Nothing can move him. what can I do?

[housework]

DP has never done house work. Trying to get him to do it causes me immense stress as there are battles of words which are water off a duck's back to him but maker my heart beat and make me upset and frustrated.
We have moved to a larger house which now magnifies the issue.the conversation this morning went some thing like this:

Me: Now we've moved I really need yo to he as well he house is too big for just me to do.

Him: I told you we shouldn't have moved if you can't cope.

Me: I can cope but it's a fair and logical point that we support each other and share the housework.

Him: Oh I know why you're saying this, something to do with the toilet this morning.

Me: It's nothing to with anything except wanting to share the housework.

Him: I mowed the lawn yesterday.

Me: I'm talking about day to day housework.

Him: Is there something particular you want me to do?

Me: No I want to our to share the housework.

Him: don't ask me now. Why have you chosen now? Its because of the toilet isn't it.

Me: when is the time to ask? I don't want to ask. OK I want you to help with with the housework.

I can't believe I'm having this conversation again. He will not get a cleaner as I should do it all on my 2 days off.this man is highly respect d at work for his logic, ability to solve problems, see do afferent points of view etc but at home he can be an intractable pig. Anyone else think I can get him to share? Thanks for reading.

" I woukd ask him each time. like a child"

Really? Really? really?

Do you not think he KNOWS very well he has pissed everywhere? It is deliberate even! It is device to show you who is boss and how very little he thinks of you?

Men are perfectly able to wee without getting piss everywhere

It isn't an accident. It isn't laziness. It's a deliberate device to keep the OP 'in her place' and to show his utter disregard for her.

He mentions the toilet himself - he knows it is disgusting! And did he apologise? Doesn't look like it...I am sorry OP but he sounds absolutely repulsive. On the odd occasion that my young boys piddle a bit on the seat, they are left in no doubt as to the fact it is UNACCEPTABLE. To be fair to DH I don't think I have once in nearly 20 years had to wipe up after him (not that I would). I have noticed skid marks on the odd occasion (our loo is a bit feeble) and have pointed out that he needs to deal with it....and he does.

Everything else is shared fairly evenly and we have a cleaner.

If someone point blank refused to help me I'm afraid I wouldn't be cooking and cleaning for them either, time to buckle up OP!

what are his reasons for not helping ?

This man is a cunt.

Yes really :-) " did you wipe darling you know how i dislike wee on the loo seat, please can you wipe it everytime." You catch more flies with honey. It's not ok to be nasty and agressive to your loved ones.

If he walks through the door and op says "gosh i've been run off my feet, here's your dinner. Would you mind loading the dw for me after you have eaten it, or would you like to put LO to bed? I really appreciate your help, i know that you have worked hard today." She will get alot more help from him than going on strike or being an arse.

Your adulds fgs, did you not talk about how you would manage a family, a house? Did you not live together before?

A good marriage is not about fighting over the small stuff. You have to resolve your issues.

"It's not ok to be nasty and agressive to your loved ones."
Well we agree on something - you see I see pissing all over the toilet seat on a regular basis, and expecting someone else to clean it up, as nasty and aggressive behaviour towards loved ones. It is NOT OK!

I also think the OP is posting here because she has discussed the issue of housework repeatedly for years with her P but he doesn't engage.

Alternatively, you could reason that this bloke's an adult not a child, so treating him like a child is likely to result in him behaving like one. If my husband spoke to me as though I were a child, I would resent it enormously. Our sex life would suffer too, on account of the fact that I want sex with an adult, not a father. It's fascinating how many of these weak, childish, selfish and lazy men who get mothered by their wives end up having affairs with women who won't mother them. Leaving women who've given up careers to wipe everyone's arses including their husbands' - rather high and dry.

Then she should go back to work and hire a cleaner to come in twice a week. everyday

I don't want to be mean but two days a week at home...it's a lot of time to clean a house. He's at work 16 hours a week more than she is.

You can't ask for a fair split on housework if you do less hours than him.

Ah, the old "not my fault you can't cope" chestnut. Hrs a twat - a very big one. That conversation was shockingly similar to may conversations I've had with exh in the 10 years if knowing him: not matter how you approach this you will be met with fault being placed at your door, husband sudden loss ogre intelligence and ability to understand the English language, diversion tactics, gaslighting and making it as difficult as possible for you to communicate thus lowering the chances you will bring it up again.

Important not usually one for this but LTB / this isn't going to get any better.

I have found dh (men) work bettering given specific tasks. They don't seem to get the broad concept of helping with house work, but will stick dark wash on.

So, stop asking like a girl. Start saying "please empty dish washer." Or draw up tasks and allocate. Just do it together.

Countless research shows that women still do more than their fair share of domestic chores even when both work full time. THe idea that most men pull their weight and that only a minority of women are silly enough to put up with a man who doesn't is a myth and serves only to make the OP feel even more responsible for things, since if only she were more demanding her P would pull his weight. He won't.

For those in relationships with a man who does do his fair share, you made good choices in your partners but rest assured that you are in a minority. Google the topic and you'll see study after study confirming it.

Women are constantly underestimating the amount of mental energy and time they spend organising things, such as even noticing that toothpaste needs to remembered on this week's shop or that DC2 has a dental appointment next week. Likewise, men consistently over-estimate how much they contribute because they are unaware of the amount that goes on 'behind the scenes'.

All that said, very few men do nothing to help and the situation is improving all the time. The sort of chauvinistic idiot like the OP's DP is indeed a dying breed thank god.

IME OP, I'm afraid to say that the only consequence men like this understand is suddenly no longer having a DP.

Also...you have children...the posters making the point that you work less hours are wrong. On a normal day in a house with children things font just stop do they? You don't get to down tools at 5 pm and that's it do you? I fell into this trap...my day often didn't finish until 10pm...the exh's almost always finished around 5pm unless I nagged - and then often eye rolling etc would ensue and Id get the hen peaked husband routine....

This isn't the 1950's...working is no longer an excuse to not share household stuff when you are home and children/housework isn't juswomen's work

Yes yes yes Dahlen

The other thing very annoying about all this, as seen by so many well meaning suggestions on this thread, if that if the P is to help out with the housework, then really it is up to the woman to manage the P's involvement in any house work, including ask sweetly that he do something, and probably thank him profusely every step of the way.

It seems to expect someone to step up, get engaged with what needs to be done is way too much for 'poor incapable men' to deal with. I don't believe this for one minute.

Sure someone who hasn't done much in the past might need some help initially, but any fool can work from a list without being micromanaged and anyone can ask and learn.

perhaps asking someone to "please empty the dishwasher" one or twice is OK. But that dishwasher needs emptying daily - and to not know this, learn this and own this fact is A) pathetic and B) just a month or 2 away from accusations of nagging "You're always nagging me to empty dishwasher" etc.

You say that nothing can move him. Have you tried saying look pal, I am not your maid. Either you stop acting like it's my role in life to clean your shit up (figuratively and literally) or I'm voting with my feet and you can wallow in your filth all by yourself.

He needs a shock. He needs to see just how strongly you feel.

There is NOTHING about being the owner of a penis that means that domestic tasks are beyond you, that you are somehow incapable of understanding that dishes need washing and surfaces need wiping. It's very convinent to convince as many women as possible that it's true - but it's not true! It is purely down to an oldfashioned sexist belief that women are there to serve you and take care of all domestic matters. And idleness, of course.

convenient

Dh works more hours than me. I earn more money than him. Neither of us pisses on the floor. Ds1 does sometimes, but he's 6 and when he does he wipes it up. I don't think we're unusually talented at urinating in the socially acceptable place.

The "op works less (outside the home) so should do more" is completely missing the point. He works less than 50% more days and yet does Fuck All.

If he was doing 25% of the shit work and the child care then that would be reasonable, but he is doing Fuck All.

OP: What you need to do is get a pair of his clean pants, wipe the wee of the loo seat with them, then put them back in his underwear drawer and let them fester.....

But then, I'm not your position. If I was, he'd be out of the door. I agree with Hecsy, there's no excuse for it.

Poppy, I have no objection to your point that it's better for people to be nice to one another etc. However: The dh (in your hypothetical example) would not be emptying the dishwasher 'for her'. It's his dishes in there too. And: She shouldn't have to thank him profusely and sycophantically for every little thing he does in the house. Dh and I thank each other for doing stuff, but it's reciprocal. I don't see him thanking her for cleaning up his piss. And while he has 'worked hard', so, no doubt, has she. Work is not automatically 'harder' when it brings in more money. It's often quite the opposite, in fact.

I've only read the first couple of pages of this thread and perhaps this has been said further along but I feel absolutely compelled to say that a SAHP is just that. You aren't staying at home to clean and iron and wash. You are NOT a domestic assistant or a cleaner or a housekeeper. A SAHP is staying at home to provide free childcare whilst the other parent works outside the home.

Good post TooOld and many others. I wonder what Op is thinking ATM?

I think that sadly this goes a bit deeper than housework. Which is in itself a very big issue when one lazy shite won't lift a finger but perhaps it is more than this one thing.

Picardy. The point is if she's super nice maybe he will be, it's difficult to be a twat when someone asks so nicely. Aknowlegding someone has had a hard day is just nice, it doesn't mean you haven't. In fact you always open with how busy you have been. Marriage is a lot of negotiation, best to do it nicely.

I also think it all runs deeply, marriage guidance may help.

I always try to talk to my husband as i do my friends.

Too old i'm a sahp, i clean when they are at school or preschool, then i do bits and bobs with and around them. Today we have been in the garden all day. A bloody easy day that's for sure. :-) (we have still done washing, dw and tidied up) OP could use a preschool or nursery. It's cheaper than a cleaner.

Poppy, do you seriously think that Op hasn't "asked nicely" in this whole depressing journey that has ultimately brought her to Mumsnet to ask the advice of strangers ?

what part of "nothing can move him" do you not get ?

This is just another thread that has me wishing Id found MN years ago...Id have saved myself a lot of grief and heartache. Now, even though I now know this kind of behaviour isn't on, Images left "programmed" - always feeling guilty for not doing everything, always worried that my DP feels I don't do enough, and always tense when I ask for help (which is almost never as DP just gets on with it) and never feeling ok for taking it easy if Im feeling like shit.

Poppy - I should imagine that the OP has tried being nice a long time ago and got nowhere. At what point do you stop appealing to so somebody's better nature when they don't have one? Pissing on a loo seat, deliberately to annoy, is not 'small stuff', it goes right to the heart of the relationship and the value the H places on his wife and their marriage. To my mind it is an act if aggression.

My husband earns a significant salary too, we live in a biggish house but he still does something towards the housework. It is after all his house too and his mess. Plus, if I have been running round after children all day (when I was solely a SAHM) I deserve some time off just as much as he does so we share the evening and weekend chores out accordingly. He doesn't need to be asked. He is a grown-up and acts like one and does it all by himself. It isn't about helping me, it is about being part of family life and helping all of us, just as I do. How much he earns is irrelevant when it comes to personal hygiene and wiping toilet seats too.

But apart from all that the OP is not a SAHP so your point is mute. She has 4 unpaid days a week, her H has 2. Seems extremely sensible to me that she should do 2/3rds of the housework and childcare and he should do 1/3rd. He could even hand over some of his responsibilities to a paid cleaner if he choses but he still needs to pull his weight.