Everything has fallen apart :-(

[me23]

I havent bothered to change my name for this, some of you might know my situation Im 9 weeks pregnant,.I was going to have an abortion but at the last minute boyf said please dont, so I disnt and we spoke and decided to keep the baby and he said he'd be there all they way. we've been sorting out the house just bought carpets etc.. then last night he tells me it'sover he doesnt love me he wants to be free to go out whenever he wants and be with other girls etc... im devastated i dont know what to do sorry this doesnt make much sense im still reeeling from it, i was feeling so confident and happy now my world has fallen apart, we have been having problems but we were sticking it out, i cant believe he has done this now, what do i do?

hope you got some sleep and are feeling a bit better today. Thinking of you

I wouldn't worry about his mom (that's who you were talking to, right?). She will probably understand that you were in a difficult position as to what to say. Did it go well in the park yesterday?

Hi thanks for checking in, I'm ok, it's just sad I keep thinking of old times.
I did mean his mum, lol dunno why I said phone! prob co thats all I was getting thru to yesterday when he wasn't answering.
he is here now, he wants us to go straight to being friends he doesn't realise how confusing and hurtful this all is to me, on the one hand I get on well with him but things his done ,make me think he isnt really the person I'm making him be in my head iyswim.

I better be off I'll post back soon x

Oh, I really hate that being friends thing when it's a nasty breakup. I'd be tempted to say something like "I plan to be choosier with my friends from now on and they won't be including the likes of you" or something like that. I mean, sure I've stayed friends before when it was an amicable thing, but this situation certainly is not like that. One thing that always sucked me back in to one particular relationship (I finally got out of it, but wasted years on the guy :() is that he always knew how to suddenly become charming and do/say all the things he knew would make me happy when he wanted to get back together, then as soon as we were he was back to his old bipolar self again You would not believe how many times I fell for that!

Be strong, and try to think about your wonderful new job and the terrific things that are going to be coming to you and your dd. You've got lots of MN'ers here to support you. I wish I lived close enough to come around and see you.

thanks jabber, i wished you lived closer too.
well yesterday he stayed over (nothing happened) he kept asking for a hug and wanting to be close to me, saying i feel fragile you make me feel safe.
i was saying you can't just have all the extras and everything as it was before if you dont even want to be with me. he was saying maybe it's just the pressure of the label of being together that is too much for him
but he has told me when he's out he doesnt even think of me, and he fancies other girls etc.. so that's whatthe problem is.
he wants to carry onliving here, what should i do?

Well me23, Why does he want to live at yours it seems he only wants a roof over his head and is trying to butter you up for this. I know you are fragile at the moment but you really can do this. Put it this way if I was with a man who said he didn't think of me when he was out and that he fancied other girls (and as in your instance stayed over) I would boot him out without question, if he can't commit there is no point, same for trust if you can't trust him there is no point either else you will be worrying and getting paranoid about his whereabouts etc which will cause arguments and strain. He is just giving you emotional strain and upset whilst he has said he doesn't want to "be with you" but wants to live you you....hmmm

Don't worry too much about your dd she will be better off being happy with a happy mum, and she is very young that if you did have him out of your life she would not remember and therefore not be effected.

you are all right I know. but I'm really scared, I'm scared if I don't let him stay then he'll be out seeing other girls. and mayb if I let him stay he might realsie he wants me, but thats not likely is it, god i know how pathetic I mustseem but I used to be an alright person.

i know it sounds stupid but it woulod really getto me knowing hes out being with some1 else it would really hurt.

I second FOTM hun - you have it all there for you now, you have worked so hard to get here and you are letting him steal your precious energy and ruin this time for you.

Yes it would hurt - but for how long (be honest) after a while you will harden up to it and get strong again.

In the end it is your choice and has to be on your time scales etc but I meant it when I said you are worht more than this

I echo what has been said, if he goes he goes and of course he will be seeing other girls, but as he has already demonstrated even when he lives with you he has seen another girl so either way he will be off and you will have to comes to terms with this. You have a great future ahead of you and if you find some groups for you and your dd or even you if you can get family or childminder to look after dd then you will meet others as you will at work too. Once you have got in control you will feel better and stronger in time.

I know I'm just fooling myself that I can prevent it or make him liove me.

Even if you could make him love you - how long would it be before you started to think - why do I want you? Wether he loves you or not he is still a person with big big problems of his own.

I have been lurking on this thread but wanted to chip in as I (like most of us) have been through a breakup with was horrible. I behaved pathetically kept calling even drove round to sit outside his flat (at least you can't do that!) like some kind of manic stalker. I felt so much worse because I thought I was a weak pathetic fool. Then a friend of mine who is very got-together smart professional woman said to me - hah, you haven't even got to the foothills of being weak and pathetic until you've crawled across the floor to your DP and hung onto his ankles to stop him leaving . I couldn't beleive it - we actually ended up giggling together about how awful that must have felt. She said she couldn't beleive that she would ever laugh about it and certainly couldn;t beleive she would ever admit it to anyone.

However bad you think it is spiltting up with ihm, I'll bet it isn't as bad as the worst times with him.

I wish I could help more - but you're not alone, most of us have felt the same way and come through it.

Take Care

suejonez your comment on your friend got me thinking of what I have done in the past I have to chuckle at myself too, although it was awful at the time.

there really is light at the end of the tunnel and trust me when I say you will get there too, even though it doesn't seem like it now. You say you are alone and this could also be a contributing factor to wanting him to stay but when you get on track with your work and meet friends there and meet people through your childminder etc. your life will unravel and a new path be made.

Me23, I wish I could give you the strength to tell him to bugger off and then fast forward your life 6 months one. Cos I know you will look back and be so relieved that you did it.

However, I know that these sorts of decisions are not easy. Using excuses for crappy behaviour, looking for the good times instead of the bad. Anything infact, to stay in your relationship. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you find the hope & strength to deal with this in a way that makes you happy. You have always sounded like a nice person so I would imagine that you deserve to be loved by a nice person too. Good luck.

thankyopu everyone. it helps so much to know other 'sane' together people have being through the same, its so hard to let go isnt it. especialy when the other person wavers occasionally and gives you false hope. i really need to tell him not to stay here I hope I can bring myself to! I am listening to everything you are all saying and it makes perfect sense, I just hope I can be strong.

thankyou ucm!

he called i told him he can stay tonight and he can sort out somewhere else to stay tomorrow.

How are you feeling?

ok,bit sad wishing he could just suddenly be ok, wish i coukld see things how they really are.

hmm, well I have never wished those wishes

I can't imagine what it is like for you right now, but you have to keep strong and make sure you are doing what you really want and not just doing things for the sake of doing smoething IYSWIM.

I have to go to pick up lo now but will email you later on tonight.

How are you today luv?