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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Everything has fallen apart :-(

173 replies

me23 · 26/05/2006 10:00

I havent bothered to change my name for this, some of you might know my situation Im 9 weeks pregnant,.I was going to have an abortion but at the last minute boyf said please dont, so I disnt and we spoke and decided to keep the baby and he said he'd be there all they way. we've been sorting out the house just bought carpets etc.. then last night he tells me it'sover he doesnt love me he wants to be free to go out whenever he wants and be with other girls etc... im devastated i dont know what to do sorry this doesnt make much sense im still reeeling from it, i was feeling so confident and happy now my world has fallen apart, we have been having problems but we were sticking it out, i cant believe he has done this now, what do i do?

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 26/05/2006 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bluejelly · 26/05/2006 15:32

Oh Me23 your life is not destroyed. You are young and you will recover.
I remember feeling the same thing when I was left when I was pregnant, so upset and so cross, but you know what?
Looking back it was so hard but I am glad it happened-- it made me who I am today.
And I went on to have a good job, to fall in love with someone else, and to be a good mum ( I think!)
You'll get through it
xx

Original poster
me23 · 26/05/2006 15:33

thanks lilstarry1,
i know living together isnt the best thing to do, but obvim feeling confused and thinking i cant cpe on my own, and maybe if he stayed here he would realise he wants to be with me.
i just felt that he did love me, just by the way he is with me, he said he's just a loving person LOVING so what he's like that with everyone.
with regards to the pregnancy i am confused and emotional but as far as i can tell my heart isnt in it, if boyf hadnt stopped me that day i would have had the abortion. he made me want to have the baby or make myslef believe it would be ok.
i had a counselling session before my appoinemnt and it helped me realsie i didnt want another baby right now.
'but because ive spent the last week convincing myself im having the baby and throwing myslef in to it itsleft me confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
me23 · 26/05/2006 15:35

sorry floating im on msn, bear cub baby @ hotmail.com you're not on,

OP posts:
FirstNikki · 26/05/2006 15:39

Me23 Its hard and was you have been through is so hard, he sounds as though he's not going to change his mind and tbh would you want him to really since he has been swapping and changing his mind about things. I would also say not to him living with you. Concentrate now on you and your DD and make your decision about this pg for you. As already said, although being on your own may be daunting in the long run when you come out the otherside you will be looking back and thinking I am glad I put me and my daughter first and you will be alot happier doing something for you in the long run. Bite the bullet and try to be strong. Every day wake up and say to yourself "I can do this" and think of all the positives that will come of this, including being a happier mummy which dd will in turn benefit from. What hits us hard tends to make us stronger.

Xavielli · 26/05/2006 15:42

Where do you live? There may be some MNers nearby who would be able to offer you more RL support if you meet in person or if you are feeling particularly rough to help you with your 1st baby

FirstNikki · 26/05/2006 15:47

Good idea Xavielli - Also Me23 are there any single mum groups in your area where you can go and meet new people in the similar situations?? I think once you get your head around things meeting new people will help you get a fresh start for your future

Original poster
me23 · 26/05/2006 15:50

thanks first nikki, part of me has tiny nano seconds where i think,, it's ok he obv isnt the one for me, i deserve to be loved etc...
he's on his way home with dd now, i dont know how to act towards him, i cant keep grovelling it's pathetic.
xavielli, im in London.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 26/05/2006 15:51

Me23 I just emailed you my number. Am in London if you ever want to meet up xx

FirstNikki · 26/05/2006 15:57

bluejelly you are lovely offering RL support, thats great news.

Just see what he has to say after he returns and maybe ask why the sudden change of heart too if you haven't already. Just try to be yourself he should know by now just how much he is hurting you.

Original poster
me23 · 26/05/2006 16:19

thanks he due back now so ill be off for the night i think thanks so much everyone i really need the support xxxx

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 26/05/2006 16:55

come back if you need us we'll be here. im on msn tonight if you need me.

HappyMumof2 · 26/05/2006 17:39

dd's father did this to me. I was with him 8 yrs. Dd was the third pregnancy we had. He was also there for me whilst I was pregnant with my ds and afterwards.......

When I was 7 wks I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he couldn't be with me again but would always be there for the baby.......

beginning of pregnancy I was alone. Middle bit he was supportive and excited about it but overpowered me completely (trying to control - talk of custody etc) Last bit he abruptly cut contact but came back for her birth and first few days of her life.........

from dd being around 4 weeks his contact started to slip, showing less interest etc and by 15 wks old he had gone COMPLETELY - no contact.

She is now 2.5 and he sees her every 2-3 months for an hour or so but it's shit for her (and him I suspect) There is no relationship between them.

I will never talk to him again.

You are not alone. There are others out there in a similiar situation BUT I will be honest and say to you if he's saying these things now then it doesn't look good and the writing is on the wall.

You just have to decide now what you want. Either to terminate or to bring up the baby alone (as ultimately this is what I strongly suspect the outcome will be for you) There is no right or wrong answer. We all do what is best for us as that time.

I also had the love conversation too. When I asked him if he loved me and he didn't answer I knew that it was over (for all of us) and there was no future there.

You have to decide now whether you want to be a single mum. Personally, I could not be with somebody who I felt was not in love with me or was there for the sake of the child or out of a sense of duty.

Are you still living with him? It must be a very awkward situation to be in.

Good Luck with everything, thinking of you x

Original poster
me23 · 27/05/2006 11:26

Thanks happymumof2, That is what dd dad did to me aswell,
this time however boyf i should say ex boyf, has said if I have the baby he will have nothing to do with it he wouldnt even want to see it, and he will move somewhere where I cant find him!
I was not expecting that it's like his personality has completly changed.

after he got back yesterday i checkedhis phone (dont give a fuckabout his privacy right now!) he had txt a girl a fiend of a firend who had been out with themn a few day b4, they swapped numbers that night but i saw the number and told him to get rid iof it.
so the day after finishing with me he got her number again offhis mate put it under a different name so I wouldnt know it was her (he must think im stupid) and he txt asking what she is doing this weekend, i cant believe it, also he doesnt seem to think it is a problem i.e he has dumped me so is free to do what he likes, he is still here he slept in dd room last ight.
ive copied this gilrs number she doesnt know im pregnant shall i txt her and tell her?
he said she is just a 'mate' yeah right.
im so hurt by everything Sad

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 27/05/2006 13:03

I wouldn't text her. I would leave them to it. I know hard it is when you love someone, but I think you should let him go.

When you have done that, you can start to make decisions about your baby.

I'm in London too btw. Can I email you? Smile

Wisp · 27/05/2006 13:22

Just wanted to say how sorry I am. It's not your fault, and your not a bad person.

(hugs)
Sorry would say more, but I'm being dragged out of the door !! I'll post again later
xx

Original poster
me23 · 27/05/2006 14:16

Thanks wisp,
happymumof2 of course you can email me, my address is on here a few posts down.
I know txting her won't really do anything coz if its not her it will be some1 else, I just can't believe he can move on so soon when I'm feeling so shit.

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 27/05/2006 14:17

you can if if will make you feel better. You are perfectly entitled to Wink

It might be good to know what's he told her.....

Original poster
me23 · 27/05/2006 15:26

He's going out tonight, he obv doesn't give a shit if all he feels like living it up and meeting girls straight away, and he doesn't see anything wrong with it either.
It really hurts me to think of him wanting to and actually pulling other girls.

OP posts:
FloatingOnTheMed · 27/05/2006 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMumof2 · 27/05/2006 20:41

he's taking the piss. He obviously wants you to throw him out so that he doesn't have to leave (although he's already left in his mind.....)

Get rid of him. Throw his stuff out when he's out tonight. He's way out of order.

Then you can start to think about your options.......

TheMammy · 27/05/2006 20:48

totally agree with HMO2... get rid ASAP... he's a loser Sad

I wouldn't text the girl if it was me, it's not her fault, he is the one with the commitment to you (unless she knows you and he are an item and he is the father of your unborn baby)

Original poster
me23 · 27/05/2006 20:57

hi, I know you are right,
he endedup coming back tonight after only 5 mins, he here now so can ttypemuch, he had an anxiety episode so couldnt face going ou.
it prob best to kick him out but im getting carpets fitted on weds need himhere to help with stuff.
regarding the baby i'm thinking its best not to have it, right now.

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 27/05/2006 21:27

he sounds very unstable. Has he always had problems with anxiety?

snowleopard · 27/05/2006 21:34

me23, so sorry to hear all this. It does dound very much like depression. DP has suffered from it and behaved very like this (fortunately no kids were involved) - the "not feeling" thing is very familiar. He did recover with a lot of drugs and therapy, but it was a long hard slog (took 2 years) and could only happen because he put so much effort in. I really feel for you. Regarding the pregnancy, it has to be your choice. Do what is right for you, not him, as it sounds as if he doesn't really know what he wants.