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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
badinage · 31/05/2013 23:56

If you were never going to bump into this bloke again, I'd say who cares what he thinks as long as he's out of your life. But you work for the same company and as far as he's concerned, this hasn't ended and so he'll be back yanking your chains next week (and feeling entitled to do so) so by not finishing with him, you've set yourself up for more special pleadings if not thoughts of 'business as usual' when he gets back. Even if you've moved buildings, if it's the same company he will know where you are.

I really do think you'll only stand firm against that onslaught if you tell him clearly and unequivocally that the relationship is over and that you do not want him to contact you ever again. Do it in an e mail if necessary and like I said before, tell him that if he's got any respect or regard for you, he will honour your wishes.

Original poster
shameshame · 02/06/2013 09:57

Thanks again for these messages of support - I was at such a low ebb Friday and they helped me a great deal. MM tried to call me a few times yesterday so I DID send him a text (probably the wrong thing to do) saying stop with the lies, leave me alone, that's it and he replied saying how frustrated he is yet again and saying he wants to talk face to face Monday, not via text.

So yes badinage (ooh, i learnt to use bold!), you were probably right regarding his thoughts that it will be 'business as usual'.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 02/06/2013 09:59

scottishmummy I am trying to be less Niles Crane. :)

OP posts:
badinage · 02/06/2013 10:51

Just as I thought then. What a prince among men he is to be phoning you when he's meant to be on holiday with his family eh? Hmm

On Monday you'll get lots of anguished outpourings about it's not how it looks, his wife sprung the mini-break on him and he didn't want to disappoint the DC, he hated every minute of the holiday and has been wracked with grief at the potential loss of you, he can't expect you to believe he's not like other married men but his feelings really are genuine - and then..... the piece de resistance.

If he feels this nice little dalliance is slipping from his grasp, he will 'give' something he's not given before. Maybe a date when he'll leave home, or an expensive-ish gift, or an admission that he's 'talked to someone about you' (a family member or a mate). These will all be lies or window dressing designed to hook you back into line.

It's really best not to see him face-to-face if you can help it, but I've got a feeling he will complete override your boundaries about that for his own selfish aims and you might not get a choice in it. Do judge that if it happens.

But for pity's sake, end this unequivocally and for good. Then block him and delete all means of contact.

Original poster
shameshame · 02/06/2013 11:15

Oh badinage how right you are! If only i'd come on here earlier as he has produced what you describe as the 'piece de resistance' before, when I tried to end it and he told me he'd confided in his sister about 'us' - which at the time I thought meant he was genuinely serious about me. What a complete fool (not trying to feel sorry for myself)! At least I'll be able to recognise it now! It's laughable really. Dreading tomorrow, but now i'm in this other building I should be able to avoid him completely.

Thanks again - hoping to prove to you that i'm not a hopeless case!

OP posts:
badinage · 02/06/2013 11:54

God these blokes are so bloody predictable eh? Of course he hasn't told his sister anything of the sort.

I'd take control of this tomorrow, to head him off at the pass.

E mail him and explain that it's over, you don't want to discuss it and you don't want any contact with him ever again. Remind him that if he ignores your boundaries, you will regard it as a form of harassment.

Trust me, if he starts worrying about employment tribunals and harassment cases, you won't see him for dust. It would be nearly as effective a deterrent as threatening to chat to his wife about their alleged marital problems. Wink

badinage · 02/06/2013 11:57

Take heart too love.

There are bound to be lots of OW reading this thread having gasps of recognition about the drivel they've been fed by married men. It would be great if next week there was some flash-mob stylee mass dumping going on eh?

Original poster
shameshame · 02/06/2013 12:14

Grin Flash mob! Ha! Brilliant!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/06/2013 17:34

Been away for a couple of days to find nothing really changed here after all

Despite your words, you are sabotaging yourself by not ending it cleanly

Badinage has given you great advice. You should have taken it. You still can

If you want to (which is basically what this convoluted thread boils down to)

mummytime · 02/06/2013 17:51

Btw even if he had "told his sister" that could mean squat. A relative told her mother about her affair, it in no way meant she was about to leave her husband, and hasn't a lot of years later. I'm sure that OM is long forgotten. (My family is bad for gossip, I bet people have no idea how much I know; I've always kept my real secrets very secret.)

Ilikethebreeze · 02/06/2013 17:57

On here, I agree with your posts badinage.

AnyFucker · 02/06/2013 21:04

Remove the "on here" and it would make you sound less like someone with a weird and pointless grudge

Ilikethebreeze · 02/06/2013 21:16

Ah, now I understand something else.

AnyFucker · 02/06/2013 21:20

Yeah, woddeva

Original poster
shameshame · 03/06/2013 21:17

Quick update (sorry if you are bored AF Wink, I understand your pain, i'm bored of myself!)

MM collared me tonight before I left work and I already had my spiel prepped ready for such emergencies. You were right badinage - I think i got the piece de resistance, but it honestly felt so genuine. He was crying and looked a broken man, really sad, says he fucked things up across the board (me AND wife), his whole life, everything, sorry for what he's done to my life, messed me around, etc etc.

I stood by my prepped spiel and acted like I wasn't buying a jot of it, but the truth is I did a little and I'm actually sorry he's so sad (if indeed he is). I'm sure this extremely naive still and DON'T WORRY - it is ended, he is deleted and blocked but I feel a lot less sure about it than I did yesterday when I felt prepped and ready to deal with anything the fucker through at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 03/06/2013 21:18

*threw Blush

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/06/2013 21:20

I'm sure he's sad.
In the same way that a child gets sad when a toy is taken away.

Why should it bother you?

You are doing the right thing for you.
You can't be in an OW "relationship" because you pity the man.
If he had any worth and really loved you, he would have ended his marriage.

badinage · 03/06/2013 21:23

Yes, the hangdog, sackcloth and ashes act.

Yawn, indeed.

For goodness sake don't fall for it even for a nano-second.

As predicted, he overstepped his boundaries and 'collared' you at work - for his own self interests and not because of your welfare or need to move on with your life.

So far, so normal.

Nothing to see there. So move on.

AnyFucker · 03/06/2013 21:50

I am not bored with you shame

The tortured soul act he is going to cultivate should get very old, very quickly though

piratecat · 03/06/2013 22:34

unless he were to act immediately on this,

eg. tell his wife

then nothing will change anyhow.

do you want him op. think hard about that. if he left, do you honestly truly want him. because that's when the shit hits the fan.

Ilikethebreeze · 03/06/2013 22:43

He may well be sorry.
But chances are he will have a new model in a few months time.
There is probably a reason he feels the need to have an affair.

Trouble is, he is hurting other people as well as himself along the way.
You do not want to be his victim any more.

FasterStronger · 03/06/2013 23:16

having two women boosted his ego.

shame you dumping him...was not part of the plan.

you have done well Grin

keep it up.

badinage · 03/06/2013 23:47

There is probably a reason he feels the need to have an affair.

Yes, that would be selfishness.

dontlaugh · 08/06/2013 23:58

Any update shame?
Hope you are ok.

scottishmummy · 09/06/2013 00:21

no one is compelled to give update.
it's not east Enders omnibus