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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 22:06

You are welcome.

badinage · 29/05/2013 22:30

The way I see it, there will be loss and grief at some point anyway.

He's not going to leave, so it's just delaying the inevitable. At some stage he'll end it with you and I think it will be much easier for your own esteem if you do the walking.

Scarletohello · 30/05/2013 00:56

Hi just sent u a pm, happy to chat to you.

JaceyBee · 30/05/2013 08:02

Me too :)

FasterStronger · 30/05/2013 08:17

shame - I don't think what you have done is terrible to his family. I think all that blame should be left with him and him alone.

but there is a reason why you are doing this. and you will only be able to work out what it is when this affair is over. you have made a mistake. this soul mates thing is just a story you are both telling yourselves, as IMO it always is.

you just need to recognise that you have made an error, that is what this really is, end it, learn from it & focus on the rest of your life.

he will never choose you above his family - he has already told you that - and who wants to live with being second best?

no man is worth that.

cory · 30/05/2013 10:31

"I obviously would like a relationship with him, but would never ask or expect him to leave his family."

Remember that nothing could hurt his child more than finding out that the family life that was the centre of his world was a lie, that the dad he trusted was a liar.

Children cope with divorce.

Children cope with shared parenting.

But children who find out that their parents have consistently lived a lie often develop trust issues which make it impossible for them to form stable relationships later in life. I have seen it happen to friends.

This man is not choosing to put the wellbeing of his child first. He is putting the wellbeing of his child at risk to be able to carry on with his own comfortable double life. You should not be enabling that.

Isetan · 30/05/2013 13:19

Be honest with yourself. The reason you haven't asked him to leave his wife is because you suspect that he won't and he would probably dump your ass for a less clingy shag, rather than the "I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me" line you spout in your OP.

Except that you are the type of woman to fall for the bullshit that only a cheating arsewipe can deliver, except that you are colluding with this arsewipe in wilfully hurting another woman and except that sleeping with a married man is a choice (unless of course you managed to impale yourself on this cock accidentally, then you are excused and the HSE should really do something about these hazards on our high streets).

He lies to his wife and then lies to you and you lie to yourself. Whatever you think you have with this man is founded on lies and lies don't make good foundations.

You are caught up in a secret relationship and all the "Beyond sex" Blush bullshit is the lie you tell yourself to cover up the sordid reality.

You'll end it when you want to and right now you don't want to.

DottyP · 30/05/2013 13:57

You are weak, selfish and pathetic, just like him. I have absolutely no sympathy for women like you who play their part in destroying families. Perhaps you should think about the living hell that his wife will go through if/when she finds out the truth. Maybe that will remove the rosy glow of bollocks that you misguidedly find yourself in. Go away and grow up.

FasterStronger · 30/05/2013 14:14

dottyp that is not helpful.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 16:51

Have you canceled your hookup on Saturday yet, op?

Or are you going to go along to "talk it out" and indulge the doomed romance fantasy of it all you are both selfishly wallowing in ?

Thus keeping it as alive as ever, despite your protestations you need it to end

Original poster
shameshame · 30/05/2013 18:18

Faster, cory, Isetan thank you for your frank advice. Thanks for your frankess too DottyP - your response is understandable. I don't expect your/any sympathy.

AF - yes I have cancelled Saturday but have no choice but to see him in the morning for unavoidable reasons.

I am going to cut off - I know it is just hardware AF but it will be really sad - I have stupidly emotionally invested a lot into this guy. I would have liked some sort of closure - i'm not trying to make excuses to have another 'woe is us' chat. I would just like to tell him that I realise the 'staying for his kid' is a line and he has no intention of being with me and that I know that now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 18:32

I hope you do this, op

If only for yourself, if no one else

FasterStronger · 30/05/2013 18:43

shame - most people I know well have loved the wrong person at sometime in their life. I think this is your time for that - but hopefully you will make sure it ends and you go on to better things.

Original poster
shameshame · 30/05/2013 19:56

Me too AF.

Thanks faster. Met me friend for lunch who thinks I'm crazy and being massively manipulated. Can't understand how I got here - what a mass idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 30/05/2013 19:57

*my friend!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 20:00

Just stop it now. You can do it. You can do anything you put your mind too. Don't carry on being that silly woman you have been.

Ilikethebreeze · 30/05/2013 20:21

Good. I can almost sense from your posts that anger is going to be your next emotion. Anger with him and a bit of anger with yourself.

tungthai · 30/05/2013 21:17

I don't think you need the rose tinted specs removed. You need to look in the mirror and decide if you are happy with what you see.

scottishmummy · 30/05/2013 21:33

do you work with him,or encounter via work?was he in a senior role
I really hope this isn't older senior role nipping the junior staff.tsk tsk

Original poster
shameshame · 30/05/2013 22:00

Thanks for the words of encouragement AF.

Hi ilikethebreeze, I hope I get to anger with him soon :) as today I feel so sad and exhausted by it all, but definitely angry with myself that I let this happen. As tungthai infers, not happy or proud of what i've done/become.

Please don't anyone take this post as a poor OW crying out for sympathy. I'm not - just saying how I feel.

scottish: yes at work, yes holds a senior role but not an old perv.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 22:03

OP, how does it feel that all the cliches have been predicted on your thread

who would have guessed it was a work dalliance (you being the latest in a long line, of course )

have we missed anything ?

Original poster
shameshame · 30/05/2013 22:12

That pretty much sums it up AF. How does it feel? Shit.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/05/2013 22:14

< shrug >

So stop it then

scottishmummy · 30/05/2013 22:14

oh yes,he's a perv.hes there to mentor,impart knowledge not get in your keks
leeching after the More junior staff.its so obvious it's a cliche.i mean one on
auld married guy telling your youre soulmates,he's abused his role and status

Skinnywhippet · 30/05/2013 22:18

This indecisiveness cannot last. You either want him to be with you and in that case he needs to leave the security of his family, or you want him to stop being a toe rag cheat and give his family the love and support they deserve from a husband. Make your choice and stick with it. No more sitting on the fence. Both will be hard in different ways.