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Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 16:46

That's a difficult one Ilikethebreeze - obviously I don't respect his actions in this scenario but I respect him in other ways. You are right - in my heart I hearts I don't want to find the strength - I'd like to change how I feel in my heart of hearts. Does the make sense?

OP posts:
badinage · 29/05/2013 17:11

Maybe you need to separate out how much of this is just lust and romance addiction and how much of it is a genuine depth of feeling for the man himself. If you think you've got real feelings for someone who's a liar, maybe you need to question your own standards in relationships and your assessment of people?

Mumsyblouse · 29/05/2013 17:31

Can I just ask how old you are?

Because this man is dangling you along, with promises of when he's older, blah blah (and it is a line)- and you are, my guess is, giving up the best years of your life, including your child-bearing years when you could be out there finding someone who really thinks you are so special, they just have to be with you and only you.

But you are not.

It is a choice.

suburbophobe · 29/05/2013 17:31

While you are with this man, who won't commit to you because he is committed to someone else....

....you could - are - missing out on what could be the love of your life out there, or at least there for you 100%.

What do you want? For you and him to be together?

Remember the saying: When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

Please don't look back on your life in 5 or 10 years and regret this time. When you put your life on hold for someone who is not worth it.

All the best.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 17:32

hmm.
And hmm some more.
See, for me, if I didnt respect him in this situation, then I couldnt carry on, but I appreciate that you are not me.

Also,I am reminded of someone trying to lose weight.
If a person only wants to lose weight 5/10, then it doesnt really work.
I think if I remember correctly, the motivation has to be about 8/10 at least, or thereabouts for a person to be able to keep to trying to lose weight.

Phalenopsis · 29/05/2013 17:34

"and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works)."

Come on this isn't true is it? Yes, it's an emotional wrench to cease contact with him but if you really wanted to end this relationship then you would. You just have to persevere and as patronising as it sounds, find new things to do to take your mind off him.

He has a wife and a child so in my book that makes him an arsehole. You are the other woman and are potentially destroying their lives as well as your own.

This won't end well at all.

StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 17:43

Take a look at the posts of every single OW to post on MN. They are littered with "I" "me" "my feelings" "me" "I" ...

When you know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out, you'll think twice about doing it to some other poor woman. And baby.

If it really must be All About You, then remember you're denying yourself the chance of a proper relationship while you're sneaking around with this Prince among men.

Xales · 29/05/2013 17:59

Rose tinted glasses.

He is a liar. Where does his wife (and the child he can't lose) think he is every time he is off meeting you for a sordid shag?

He diverts energy and emotion from his family. He could be spending time with this child that is so precious to him that he won't leave but no his dick is more important. Who do you think is at home looking after his child and doing all the house stuff while he is off meeting you for a sordid shag?

Who do you think is washing and ironing all those clothes he pulls off and dumps on your floor when he meets you for a sordid shag? Bet it isn't him... Think of that the next time you help take his clothes off. Some poor unknowing woman made them nice for you to do so.

He is risking his partner's sexual health. She has no choice in this, she doesn't have a clue that he is off meeting you for a sordid shag.

Where do you go for these sordid shags? Does he ever take you away to hotels? Use money that could be spent on that precious child he won't leave you for? Or does he just come to yours, use your facilities for a sordid shag and then go home to his wife?

Does he take you for meals? Buy you presents? I wonder if like loads of the cheated on partners on here his wife is scrimping and going without to provide for his much loved child so that he can do things with you.

Tried to go no contact? Please don't bullshit us even if you are bullshitting yourself. The desperate no contact for a few days is the sop to your (and his) conscience so that you can say you 'tried'. Meaningless shit as you know you will be back in contact in a few days as it is meant to be and beyond sex Hmm

No one can help you. You chose this. The only one who can end it is you. As long as you continue with the beyond sex bullshit you will not stop.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:09

Thanks badinage - I really appreciate your advice.

I hear what others are saying about wasting my life - I am 30, so yes, would like kids at some point.

Xales - I appreciate your frank post - I understand what you are saying. As cliche as this sounds though, the scenario you describe is not one I recognise at all. I'm hardly living the life of a Jackie Collins novel - when we meet it is rarely for sex - you make it sound like a sexual marathon - it is not. We talk mostly. I don't get presents/meals/hotels etc - that would make me very uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:11

Stuffez - sorry about all the 'me'.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:12

Get pregnant....you won't see him for dust

It's next on your list anyway, isn't it ?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:13

God no AF!! Absolutely not!!! Nowhere near my list!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:16

Why not ? You want children, don't you ?

If you are willing to throw away your child bearing years on an adulterous swordsman who hasn't got the balls to make a decision, what other ways to get pregnant do you see?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:22

Okay, AF i understand I'm wasting my child bearing years while i'm in this situation. Though I do want kids eventually, hopefully, getting preg is miles off my radar at the moment. Certainly would NEVER be an option in this situation. No way.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 29/05/2013 18:23

You are wasting your time with this man.

The longer you take to realize that the more of your life you are wasting.

If he wanted to be with you he could be. If he was worth being with he'd have left his wife before you ever slept together. How you can respect a man who can do that is beyond me, sorry.

And I don't think you realize it but whilst you both have your own little crises there's a wife and kid waiting to have their world ripped open.

Do you really fancy being a part of that? Hmm

TheOrchardKeeper · 29/05/2013 18:24

If you want kids eventually then i'd doubly avoid this man!

iluvsummer · 29/05/2013 18:26

Women like you make me sick how would you feel if it was your father fucking another woman behind your mothers back?! Or has that already happened and you think that this is what 'relationships' are supposed to be like?

Fact he will never leave his comfortable home for another woman, the line about the child is bull he's having he cake and eating it. He probably tells you he doesn't shag his wife?! Lies!! He probably tells you it's hell at home?! Lies!!

Who does he take on holiday? Spend his birthday, Christmas etc with? Who does he take out for meals, cinema, days out etc? It's not you is it?!

Get some self respect and cut contat!

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 18:35

I was going to ask what it is you are with him for?
Companionship.
Dont want to be on your own?

But while you are with him, you cant be with someone else can you?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/05/2013 18:35

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fubbsy · 29/05/2013 18:36

My friend was in your situation. She said she loved him. After 10 years he eventually left his wife. What happened then? Were they together properly? No, he dumped her, couldn't commit.

As others have said, if he wanted to be with you, he would be.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:38

Every day a few more thousand of your eggs are expiring.

The clock is ticking, I can hear it from here.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:42

Alibaba - yes, I was expecting advice, not sympathy and I have been given some great advice. Yes wives and mothers use mumsnet, as do many other women who are quite as easy to pigeon hole.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:42

*aren't!!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 18:42

actually the big myth you're selling yourself is you can't change feelings.you can
you can if you want to,otherwise you're his reliable fuck.who believes his shit
if you want a less tangled relationship go date a single man.if want martyred life stay as ow

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:44

You gave us your MO in your first few sentences, I am afraid.

Foolish and naive woman willing to throw her life away on a bloke not fit to lick any of our boots

Ridiculous really, isn't it ?

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