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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:10

Hmm. I am starting to see a pattern.
It goes back to the posts of scottishmummy.
You are being veeerrrry passive.

You say he wont believe you.He doesnt have to believe you about cutting contact.

You do it.
You do what Optimist 1 says right at the beginning. Her points 1-5.
He will get the idea eventually.

You see, this is your life. You, for some reason are letting him have control of it.
But it is your life. I know I have repeated myself. I think you need to read it several times.
Having had a bit of a reread, there is also passive stuff when you write that you would not ask for him to leave his wife, would not expect him too etc etc.

badinage · 29/05/2013 21:11

It's not 'pious' to point out that you're behaving really badly and that you're short-changing yourself into the bargain.

Yes, there's a link between your fathering relationship and what's happening now. Nearly every OW I've ever known has had 'Daddy Issues'.

You need to try something different to before.

Tell him it's over and that if he has any feelings for you, to stay away.
Remind him that if he breaks that, you'll know it was all lies.

Stick to your side of the bargain and go get some counselling.

There's a reason you are where you are.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:13

If the op is shouted at, she may choose to stop posting.
But what we really want her to do is stop being with the married man, isnt it.

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:13

AF, I have said that I would like a relationship with him but not in the current circumstances (on here and to him) - i'm not denying that. I would never ask him to do that for me though.

The advice on here though has made me question wether this IS what I want and like you and others say it has probably never even been an option. Just jive talk.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:14

ILTB, I think we have very little influence on whether this woman continues her relationship with this man, tbh

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:15

Sorry if I offended with my pious comment - I wasn't trying to bite the hand that feeds. Genuinely. i just took issue with Ali saying I shouldn't post on Mumsnet because of the wives and mums.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/05/2013 21:16

So what are you going to do?

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:17

Not sure AF.
I think we do. I cant work out if it is her heart or her head that is ruling her.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:19

Are you a lawyer op?
You dont have to answer that question.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:20

Say you do get to have a relationship with him that doesn't include his wife

What do you get ?

A liar. A cheat. An emotionally incontinent fool.

Sounds like the booby prize to me

The best result I see here is that both of you women starring in the drama of him realise he is not worth your energy and dump him from a great height

At the moment, he is like a dog with two dicks. You playing the part of the cool, undemanding career woman happy to have him part time (because he is just soooo fantastic the crumbs from his table are enough for you...). The wife (unwittingly) cast in the role of spoilsport and block to your great happiness. His child ? Hmm...

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:21

ILTB, I can think of some other organs that are helping to make some stupid decisions here.

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:25

Thanks for the patience and perseverance Badinage, AF and Ilikethebreeze. I honestly wish I wasn't in this and am aware i'm coming across like a naive fool.

Great summary AF! :)

Ilikethebreeze - i'm not a lawyer. thanks for sticking around.

OP posts:

badinage · 29/05/2013 21:30

I agree AF but even that's so bloody daft.

You can't possibly be having as much sex as you want OP.

Meanwhile he's having loads of sex, spread across two different women.

I'm sure he's inferred or even said he isn't - and that you'll say it doesn't matter about the snatched moments, it's 'beyond sex' - but of the many things I will never understand about single monogamous OW, the lack of frequent sex is right up there.

If you honestly wish you weren't in this, you'll end it OP.

WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 21:37

Being the partner of a man with a young baby together I feel really sad reading your post. You could be 50% of the reason why I sat crying all night last night.
Just go out find yourself your own man and believe you deserve it and that his wife doesn't ...

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:39

I'm sorry WhyWhyY :(

To clarify, the child is not a baby. Not that it makes a difference.

OP posts:

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:39

What frightens you about ending it shameshame?

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:42

Ilikethebreeze, I have tried and failed before when I was absolutely ADAMANT that THAT was it. So that is worrying me. The loss/grief frightens me.

OP posts:

WhyWhyY · 29/05/2013 21:43

I'm sure I'll probably still be crying in 1/2/4/6 years time... I'm sure perhaps my partner might like a lady more like you (not that I know you but cheating husbands always want someone different to their wives don't they) but if it makes it easier to do the right thing, think of the wife at home. She never did anything cruel to you. She deserves your kindness to another human being who is innocent (not to mention her child) and not for you to give in to your selfish desires.

He is not a special man, he is a man who throws away precious things. One day you might well be the next precious thing he disregards, in favour of something more precious.

Don't let yourself be that or be part of what he is doing to his wife. You are worth more, everyone is.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:43

There is something that has been bothering me about your posts in the last hour op.
You seem very eloquent, and able to post and answer quickly and accurately.

But, if this thread had been mine, some of the questions and accusations would have made me at least pause for thought. And have some emotional consequences, even though I have very tough skin.

So do you have very tough skin, or something else?
I cant decide what.

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:49

Okay, Ilikethebreeze, maybe you are right and i'm not thinking it through properly. I'm not a ice queen - I am an emotional person. I am soul searching as a result of the thread.

OP posts:

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:52

Thanks so much for posting WhyWhyY :(

OP posts:

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 21:58

You seem very controlled.
Like you are afraid of your emotions getting out of control.
Might that be why you went with a married man. Because that is a way for you to only invest half of your emotions?

PosyNarker · 29/05/2013 22:04

Another perspective. I cheated on my ex, albeit not sex. I realised very quickly this was the person I actually wanted to be with. We talked, I cut the relationship back & took the risk I would have neither. Ex moved out & 10 years on I am still with the person I left for.

I am not seeking plaudits. I still behaved badly, still betrayed and hurt but the point is the choice (while not easy due to history) was obvious very early - new relationship or move on & allow ex to develop a relationship & me single.

With all due respect your boyfriend is hedging his bets openly, which given it seems to be a while, seems you're not his soulmate, whatever that means.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 22:04

If you finish with this man, and I really hope you do, there will be a grief/loss process to go through.

Original poster

shameshame · 29/05/2013 22:05

That could have legs Ilikethebreeze. Though my emotions feel wildly out of control to the point of irrational with regards to this scenario. I'm going to have a big think about what got me to this place and obviously take mass steps to get out of this situation. Thanks so much ILTB.

OP posts:

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