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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:

dontlaugh · 09/06/2013 10:30

Just asking, Scottish. Of course there is no compulsion.

Original poster

shameshame · 09/06/2013 15:47

it's all gone to shit dontlaugh. thanks for checking on me though. wish i could say that I had taken all this brilliant advice but i'm back allowing myself to be manipulated. Don't worry people, you don't need to waste any more time on me, I still want desperately out of this but despite all your fantastic help I haven't managed it. Sorry everyone

OP posts:

Lweji · 09/06/2013 15:49

You can get out any time you want.

For some reason you talk about it as if it is beyond your control.

Once you decide to be in control, you will be.

scottishmummy · 09/06/2013 17:02

you don't owe anyone on mn explanation,you've got to live with your rl choices
we're all chewin the fat.advuce is given freely,with no compulsion
up to you what you do with it

Walkacrossthesand · 10/06/2013 07:37

So you didn't manage it this time - doesn't mean you're stuck where you are, forever. Hopefully some of the powerful points made here, about him not acting in your best interests (ie acknowledging that this arrangement holds more for him than you, and letting you go graciously when you realise that, rather than clinging on to you because it's what he wants...) will have struck home and will start to build inside you, strengthening you to decide to dump him and mean it. hopefully before his wife kicks him out and decides for the both of you

piratecat · 10/06/2013 09:19

can't offer any more help, other than to say it's a treadmill that someone needs to get off.

CalamityKate · 10/06/2013 14:44

You don't desperately want out of it. At all.

Original poster

shameshame · 25/06/2013 18:35

If anyone is still here I am at a real low ebb right now (I know I don't deserve sympathy, just some moral). Since my thread something quite bad happened to me (unrelated) and MM was there for me every step of the way and I stupidly started to think maybe he was a nice guy and not a two timing louse and we could have a future. I have ended up back at square one, something which I vowed not to do, since I have felt so messed up I had to go to counselling to get help sorting my head out/why i've done this/betrayed my whole belief system. We recently had sex and he actually left me straight after because he had to go home (to his wife). This has made me feel like such shit. Just don't know wether i'm coming or going at the moment.

OP posts:

skyeskyeskye · 25/06/2013 19:23

OK... this is going to sound harsh, but ..... He is using you for sex..... He is married..... He is a bastard......

Supposing you end up with him? He will be doing this to you in a few years time.....

Do what you have previously been advised to do... Cut all contact, change your number, change your email, ignore any contact from him.

You can stop seeing him, but only you can do it, nobody can help you or make you.

topknob · 25/06/2013 22:34

You know, he has lead you on, he has made you feel special and that you were what he wanted. You were only normal to believe him..but it just comes down to sex and him getting what he wants. Which is a quick release, nothing more. I know it hurts, I do, but he is tied up with someone else, and no matter what he says about her, he does love her, and she is the mother of their child, the child that means he will never leave. You do need to do no contact, yes it hurts, it really does but step away, act like you don't care. xx

Walkacrossthesand · 25/06/2013 23:48

It's like snakes & ladders isn't it, you painstakingly progress up the ladders only to land on that snake which goes right back to the bottom.., but that doesnt mean you've lost. He can only be 'there for you' if you let him, but you know how destructive that is for you. Close the door and mean it!!

AnyFucker · 26/06/2013 00:03

shame go back right to the beginning of page one of your thread and start reading it all over again

there is nothing new to say

this bad thing that happened is simply another incarnation of the compulsion you have to sabotage yourself

are you pregnant yet ? were you pregnant ?

JaceyBee · 26/06/2013 00:39

Hey, sorry you're feeling like shit. Fwiw, I am in the same boat, my mm has gone back to couples counselling with his wife (for the 3rd time since she found out about us last year) so I've told him over with us, that he needs to sort things out with her and concentrate on that. He wants us to be friends but I've said I need to move on. I know it's for the best but it hurts like a motherfucker. Am so far 6 days no contact and it fucking sucks!

Pm me if you want to talk xx

akaWisey · 26/06/2013 08:03

A word from the 'other side'.

My ex left me for an OW because he loved her more than he loved me. There was nothing I could say or do to influence the situation other than determine the timing of his leaving.

As far as I know he never had the 'woe is me' conversations - he and she were busy planning how they could be together, come what may. It was quick, mercenary and decisive and they're still together now.

From my perspective, what you describe is not a relationship with a committed future. He knows and you know you are, and always will be, second best.

akaWisey · 26/06/2013 08:10

Oh x posted, and after you last post I think you might seriously consider why you rate yourself so low as to be this blokes' fuck buddy.

Lweji · 26/06/2013 08:33

Just don't know whether i'm coming or going at the moment.

Well, you have to decide and stick to it.

If you want out, you can go no contact, or at least a very cold shoulder, if you have to see each other.
Boundaries are not that difficult to impose if you really want to.

Do you?

There's no point in torturing yourself.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/06/2013 09:10

I bet he was thrilled when something went pear-shaped in your life so he would have an angle in. Supportive my ass. It's so easy to stroke your hair and say there, there, everything will be all right. I can do it myself, often have, it doesn't cost anything; but the difference is, I don't do it so I'll get a shag. He's been rewarded for being supportive (by text? How much practical support? Did it take a lot of effort on his part? More effort than grooming another mistress?) with said shag, whilst you have been rewarded by... feeling even more like shit. Way to support a friend eh?

Come on, pick yourself up, find that anger again and this time make it stick. He exploited your distress. Bastard.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2013 16:43

this was a pointless bump wasn't it ?

Original poster

shameshame · 26/06/2013 20:14

Thanks everyone. I've told MM again to fuck off (collective yawn). PLEASE let this be the last time. He obviously said I've got him all wrong, more tears etc.

AF - I wasn't/am not/don't want to be pregnant! This isn't a pointless bump - I just needed another firework up my A. Wish I could do it alone but I can't.

JaceyBee - great on 6 days!! Come on!!!!!

All - thanks -I so appreciate your honest words and feel so desperately low - I know I've brought it on myself, I am really trying. Every time I let myself down I feel so stupid and used.

OP posts:

CharlotteCollinsismovingon · 26/06/2013 20:41

Think of it as "two steps forward, one step back." Every time you get back with him and he lets you down again, you move closer to a complete separation, because you get more evidence that he is not the man for you.

AnyFucker · 26/06/2013 20:44

Oh, there you are !

Original poster

shameshame · 26/06/2013 20:49

Hi AF

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/06/2013 20:51

Hello, me ole mucker. What was the bad thing that happened ?

JaceyBee · 26/06/2013 20:54

Thanks

He wants us to be 'friends' and says we can meet up sometimes if I like. I've said no, I need to move on and it's best we try and forget each other. So I'm not gonna contact him again, even though it is really, really hard not to! He said he'd leave it up to me to get in touch again and he hopes one day we can see each other again.

I just don't see how it's possible for us to be friends, even though I would love to be. We've been here twice before already, we just keep going round in circles on this ridiculous carousel and one of us has to get off. And that has to be me.

You can do it, just take it one day at a time. We can do 12 step together!

Original poster

shameshame · 26/06/2013 21:04

AF, i've been seriously ill. Over the worst now :) Wish it had put life into perspective but instead it stupidly made me think that it has jerked MM into action (which it appeared to have temporarily). Really don't want to disappoint you AF! THIS TIME!!!

That's great JaceyBee - the couples counselling says it all and should be a great catalyst for you in times of doubt! Happy to do 12 step! Wish there were less steps!! You are doing great! Keep it up

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