Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
FasterStronger · 31/05/2013 09:16

yes - he is definitely abusing his role and status.

shame if he met you, left his family, I would be sympathetic. I don't think relationships are a simple as some make out on threads like this.

however this guy sounds like a bit of a dick. your friend is correct.

Original poster
shameshame · 31/05/2013 13:48

Well ladies, the specs are OFF. Saw him this morn for the first time since I started the thread and felt like I hated him. This weekend he is away with his wife and child on holiday - says he is dreading it, all the usual shit, but I was FAR from buying it and walked away. I know i've got a long way to go, but I do keep thinking about some of the things you've said on here, ILTB, AF, badinage, Faster to name but a few. When I started the thread I wanted us to be together, but now I honestly don't. Hope that's at least a start.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 31/05/2013 13:49

not forgetting scottishmummy for your super frank self! :)

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 13:53

that anger,that ire maintain it.yiull need resolve to not let him weddle into your keks
I bet he's not hating his half term hol,he'll be acting doting daddy role
in work how will you negotiate not seeing him?.but bet he won't want known as office shagger

Ilikethebreeze · 31/05/2013 13:54

Hurrah!
I knew we were all getting somewhere with you.

Original poster
shameshame · 31/05/2013 13:57

Thanks people! Can't believe I cancelled meeting Saturday now he is suddenly going away on an impromptu mini-break!

scottish - I have moved out today to an office in another building.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 14:01

I imagine your employer will take dim view of senior abusing his role/status
focus on career,have some single girl fun unencumbered with an auld shagger
and revisit your gullibility at swallowing such bs.learn your triggers!was it his status,the patter?make sure you're not that daft woman again

Ilikethebreeze · 31/05/2013 14:19

Well done shameshame for moving office too.

Yettish · 31/05/2013 14:24

You can do it shameshame. You'll be amazed at how quickly he comes to seem like a boring old married fart. You could be completely FREE in about a month. Wouldn't that be good?

Lweji · 31/05/2013 14:30

Good for you! :)

Keep strong.

Just keep in your mind every time he opens his mouth, or sends a text: bullshit.

34DD · 31/05/2013 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 31/05/2013 17:19

I knew there was something in there, OP

You didn't come across as thick, hence me (and others) staying with the thread.

A lovely mini break with the wifey...gosh he's just devastated you cancelled your lovefest together, isn't he

He wants to be with his wife. You were just a bit of nothing on the side, despite all his fancy words. He is a LIAR.

Optimist1 · 31/05/2013 19:22

Well done, OP! Wishing you lots of fun times enencumbered by the unworthy one.

badinage · 31/05/2013 20:35

Yes well done and all that.

But....did you actually dump him and tell him why?

Original poster
shameshame · 31/05/2013 22:23

It's nice to return to these brilliant messages of support. I'm glad I've done the right thing and am trying to cling onto the anger from earlier, like scottish advised but tonight feel so very sad.

Please don't hate me for being weak (spesh you AF who I love and know will). It's just some sad realisations I'm dealing with mainly due to this thread which has been so helpful.

No badinage, I didn't say anything. Even managed to look enthused at the weekend with wife prospect.

It will get better. Thanks all x

OP posts:
badinage · 31/05/2013 22:26

So you haven't told him it's over? He just thinks you couldn't make it tomorrow and it's game-on when he gets back?

scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 22:27

of course anticipate ups/down and plan for them.anticipate his soul mate patter
but remember he's no wooer he's the auld guy in work who buffs the staff
it doesn't need be like this,you can have better love life.if you sling the auld guy

Original poster
shameshame · 31/05/2013 22:41

No badinage, I simply walked away having had the internal conversation with myself (and the one on here) but feel very frustrated now. At the time I thought best not to engage - just onwards and upwards and it felt great (not so much now).

Thanks again scottish. Your moral support is gratefully received.

I haven't blocked him yet (I know) and he has text saying he is really sorry and frustrated.. I won't reply but worried it looks like I am sulking because of wife/weekend. I would hate it to look like that.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 31/05/2013 22:43

listen don't over analyse the how it looks,don't get all angsty Niles crane
you need to retain he's an auld poon hound
that's all

jkklpu · 31/05/2013 22:48

Have just read this whole thread and there's been some fantastic advice. It sounds, OP, as though you're heading in the right direction. However, look at what you've said about why you're angry with him, about how the other posters have opened your eyes to the limitations you've placed on your life, and then ask yourself whether you really care how it looks for you not to reply to his feckless text. Block him now and don't look back: you can do this. If you don't, it shows you still want to keep the door open.

Ilikethebreeze · 31/05/2013 22:52

On some level you feel you owe him something.
Thats why I asked the question soemwhere upthread.

You see, it shouldnt matter to you what he thinks about how it ends
What he thinks about why it ends
What he thinks about blah blah blah...

His behaviour means it shouldnt matter.
[I am starting to feel out of my depth at this point as I dont know anything about ending this sort of thing].

Hatpin · 31/05/2013 22:57

Stop worrying about how your actions will be perceived by him. Do you really give a sh*t?

He just took his W away for a lovely weekend away? Ten to a penny it was not impromptu and he was going to blow you out anyway, or it might even be a lie he's told you to punish you because you cancelled your shag.

These men will stoop at nothing to keep you hooked.

So let him think rather that aliens landed last night and returned the real you, the one who protects herself from lying, cheating knobheads.

The one who was abducted a few months back.

Ilikethebreeze · 31/05/2013 23:00

I am remembering 2 threads about poster ending relationships. Not going to post many details. [it wasnt affairs they were having].
On each occasion, poster were saying dont do it this way, or do it this way..
But the ops went ahead and did finish ther relationships, but did do it their way.
And managed to sucessfully move on.
So I supppose what I am trying to say is, we are here behind our screens and you are there.
And maybe you need to end the relationship in the way you need to end it.
hth

Ilikethebreeze · 31/05/2013 23:01

That should be "I am remembering 2 threads about ops ending relationships".

piratecat · 31/05/2013 23:07

this is a very important place you are at.

You might not text back to this one whilst you have your dignity and anger, but you might text back to the next one.

I expect the next one will be how he's missing you, how he wishes he hadn't had to go etc...

Thats' the one where you might let all your feelings for him out after the weekend, and reply.

That's going to be the test. It goes round in circles.

You could get an answer now or the same answer after months more of heartache.

Ask him now, does he see a future with you. Cos that's the only reason for any of this, you both wanting each other, but there is the desire and the want and the spark, then there is the reality.

If he says he's confused, doesn't know what he want etc, honestly-you have your answer. x make it stop now op x