Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 29/05/2013 11:14

Prepare yourself for some harsh comments.

Why has the no contact never worked? Who re-makes the contact? If you don't expect him to walk away from his family then what do you want from him? How is it beyond sex?

I would say this. Marriages do break up because one of the 2 parties falls in love with someone else. It happens. A new, loving and lasting partnership is born.

But for that to happen then the married partner has to leave. And if they don't, then the truth is they don't love the other person enough.

TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong · 29/05/2013 11:16

(and no-one should ever fall for the "can't leave my child" line. Because that's what it is. A line, straight out of the "excuses I can give to the other woman to justify not leaving my wife" book.)

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:19

Thanks TheBirds.

I obviously would like a relationship with him, but would never ask or expect him to leave his family.

I can accept that 'can't leave my child' may be a line - never thought of it like that before.

He never gives me anything SOLID to cling on to so that I can get over this. Never says 'never'. He says maybe when the child is older.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 29/05/2013 11:21

If you need out, you can get out. And only you can do it.

Strong feelings or not, it is your choice to continue to engage/have sex with this man, or not.

When you choose to actually end it, you will. There is no magic solution to make it easy.

ColinCaterpillar · 29/05/2013 11:25

He is having his cake and eating it, hedging his bets - if he won't say 'never' and will say 'maybe', he's not a good guy. The solid thing you can cling to is that he isn't leaving his wife.

If this carries on, it will end nastily. There are no happy endings while it is like this.

worldgonecrazy · 29/05/2013 11:26

Try thinking about him having sex with his wife. You are less important to him than her. You are a bit on the side, a thrill, an escape from the humdrum and reality of a newborn.

As HotDAMN said, it is your choice to continue to have sex with this man. No one is forcing you to have sex with him. You are building this relationship into something it is not. He is not going to leave his wife, and when you find the strength to walk away from him, he will move on to the next easy target and so on.

Find some dignity and stop thinking you have to be second best to anyone.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:33

I know I need to find the strength from somewhere to walk away. Like I said, if he told it to me like it is, it would be a lot easier for me to do this. All he ever does is 'woe is me, if only we could be together' talk.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 29/05/2013 11:34

No harsh comment from me - your post says you recognise you've been foolish and that you're determined to extricate yourself from the situation. It'll be hard but if you are really determined you can get through it (and won't have to go through it all again).

  1. Tell him it's over because he is not free to be with you. Accept no promises, pleas, etc.
  2. Block his number on your phone and delete all his messages/pictures
  3. Set your email account to send his messages to junk folder and delete all his messages/pictures
  4. Cry your eyes out and concentrate on getting through the next 24hrs without wavering in your decision.
  5. Keep busy and try to reduce the amount of time you think of him each day.

Repeat 4) and 5) as often as necessary. It works - I know from experience - and I wish you a happy future.

Lweji · 29/05/2013 11:46

I obviously would like a relationship with him, but would never ask or expect him to leave his family.

Why not?
I think you should expect it, if he really loves you.
Couples split for lots of reasons and if falling in love with someone else, it's kinder to leave than to cheat.

I have sympathy for people who fall out of love and in love with someone else. It can happen.
Just not for cheaters.

And why hasn't the no contact work? What happened?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:53

Thanks Optimist. Haven't made it past 3 as yet. :(

With no contact, one of us always breaks after a few days. Managed to convince ourselves that we could just text occasionally but spirals back to square one.

Feel like the pressure on the relationship to work out it he gave up his family would be immense. Though I would like to give it a try.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:54

*if

OP posts:
lightfairy · 29/05/2013 11:54

You're on the hook.
This is probably a bit light hearted but there's an episode of How I Met Your Mother when they're talking about being being on the hook and how crushing it is for the person on the hook.

You have to recognise that he's with his wife and has a child with her and he's not going to leave her. Also - do you want to be with a man long term who cheated on his wife and only left cos she found out?
Take a sabatical and travel around the world for 6 months. that'll help with the no contact etc.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 12:06

Haven't seen the ep lightfairy.

Wish I could do the 6 months around the world! :)

OP posts:
badinage · 29/05/2013 12:10

I can see this is much harder when he's telling you lies and not how it is.

And it's really good that you're saying 'He says....' and you're not stating some of these lies as fact.

So just try to see this rationally.

When parents split up, no-one has to 'leave' a child. Shared parenting is really common now, so the old lines about staying for the children really are just that.....lies.

He's staying put because he wants to be with his wife more than he wants to be with you.

He might have some feelings for you, or he might be pretending he's got strong feelings for you.

No contact really is the only way, because you - and his wife and child are worth more than this.

Leafleaflea · 29/05/2013 12:22

Get a grip and get real. You can't change your feelings but you are in control of your actions.

Stop contact. Delete/block numbers etc.

Are you really naive enough to believe that "I can't leave my child" isn't simply the oldest line in the book? Really?

This isn't some grand passion. Fate isn't cruelly keeping you apart. The man you're shagging got a bit bored at home and fancied some extra marital sex and luckily enough for him he met someone silly enough to fall for his cliched and pathetic lines.

"Beyond sex". No. The relationship he has with his WIFE is beyond sex. You know, seeing as how they've got a home and a child and all that.

You say you need out; well get out then and stop pretending you're in a film.

DoingItForMyself · 29/05/2013 12:37

If you delete and block his number then re-starting the contact won't happen. Its a big step but if you're serious about trying to end it, do that first. It will feel like a huge step, but also very liberating because while he is there in the background you can't move on (which is exactly what he wants - no matter what his intentions are, I don't suppose he would relish the idea of you with someone else, so he keeps you hanging on waiting for him)

Muster your self-respect, take the leap and set your sights on being happy without him so that you can meet someone who is available to love you.

x

fackinell · 29/05/2013 12:39

If he does it with you, he will do it to you!!

Beyond sex? It's beyond ridiculous. Delete everything, tell him you will inform his wife if he contacts you again and get out with your mates to find someone unattached.

He is not Mr. Wonderful, he is a philandering git who is lying to everyone who cares for him!! Angry

Leafleaflea · 29/05/2013 12:44

tell him you will inform his wife if he contacts you again

Yes. Good idea. Maybe it will enlighten you as to his true feelings for you when the thought of his wife finding out has him scuttling back under his rock, never to be seen again.

JaceyBee · 29/05/2013 13:01

I do feel for you OP, it is hard. Am actually in the same boat now so am watching with interest! How long have you been seeing each other for? Does his wife know anything about you?

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 13:04

Do you respect him?

Leafleaflea · 29/05/2013 13:08

"It is hard".

No it isn't. You delete and block numbers. It's probably quicker to do than to type.

If you WANT to stop seeing this absolute prize, you can. Easily.

Or as suggested, threaten to tell his wife. You won't need to do anything then; it'll be him deleting and blocking you.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 15:07

Great advice. I know I must act on it. In truth at the moment it feels impossible. It doesn't feel like I'm being fed lines but I know how ridiculous that sounds.

JaceyBee - sorry you are in this too.

OP posts:
StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 15:16

You need to quickly realise your "feelings" are not the be all and end all. You are going to rip an innocent woman's world into pieces if you carry on.

badinage · 29/05/2013 15:19

Of course you're being fed lines because what he's saying makes no sense. He won't have to 'lose' his children if he leaves his relationship.

He will lose his wife though and the truth is, he doesn't want that. When push comes to shove, he'd rather lose you. If he doesn't want to lose you, he'll leave.

What you have to remember is that people who have affairs are at heart selfish. They choose the life that best suits their needs.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 15:27

You didnt answer my question about whether you respect him.
I suspect you dont.

You say you need to find the strength from somewhere.
The place you have to actually find the strength is within yourself.
And in your heart of hearts you dont really want to find that strength.