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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 20:22

Cancel it.

If you mean what you say.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:24

Do you feel you owe this man something?

WuzzleMonkey · 29/05/2013 20:25

When I was 18 I lived in a houseshare with another bloke a few years older than me.

He was in a long-term relationship with a girl who lived in another country.

This bloke and I were madly in love with each other - he was my first love. But it was all so very romeo and juliet because we couldn't be together.

After about 9 months I realised what a load of old shit it was and even though it ripped out my heart to leave him I moved countries, went to Uni and our relationship ended.

He's now married with kids to the woman he cheated on.

I'm married with kids to a wonderful man. Neither of us have ever or would ever cheat.

Fucking hell, if I could work it out at 18 what the hell is wrong with you that you're putting up with this at 30???? Seriously???

WuzzleMonkey · 29/05/2013 20:25

Oops, I'm not sure what happened there, sorry Blush

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 20:27

For a second Wuzzle I thought it was a new story - I was thinking, wow, Wuzzle had a busy year at 18!

But yes - 30. Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 20:29

Ilikethebreeze - I don't think he'd be particularly interested in my reasons for cutting contact so, not really, no.

YES AF

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 20:31

why wouldn't he be interested in your reasons for cutting contact ?

badinage · 29/05/2013 20:32

How did this affair start then?

How did he manage to persuade you that this was ok?

What do you think has shaped you so that you didn't walk away? Difficulties relating to other women? A complicated/non-existent relationship with your father? Vanity? An overly romantic take on life?

StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 20:33

I don't think he'd be particularly interested in my reasons for cutting contact
So, in fact, he doesn't give much of a toss about the emotional turmoil of his "soulmate?" Sad

WuzzleMonkey · 29/05/2013 20:43

Yeah, I mean, 30 is pretty fucking embarassing.

He must think you were born yesterday putting up with this.

It's NOT actually that hard.

You just stop doing it.

smellsofsick · 29/05/2013 20:46

Honestly, this thread is going nowhere. OP, you know what everyone on here is saying to you. Please either stop seeing this man or tell us you can't and go but for all our sakes please jut stop agreeing and do something.

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 20:54

I think those questions are relevant badinage.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 20:54

AF, because I have tried before - had 'the chat', explained my reasons for cutting contact and he has sat there giving nothing away. Also, past form of breaking no contact means he won't believe me.

Badinage - he HAS said all the crap others have mentioned about dysfunctional marriage, married young, been on rocks for years etc which made it seem more viable. I have no relationship with my father - shit, is my behaviour linked? Hope not.

smellsofsick - i intend to do something. the advice is still helpful so the thread isn't going nowhere.

OP posts:
StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 20:55

Right. I'm posting this then I'm out. Just read what you said about being too afraid to give him an ultimatum. You really would, wouldn't you? You'd intentionally play your part in breaking up a family because you can't find someone better to fuck?! 3 billion males on this planet and you have to take someone else's? Well fucking done. But I lurrrrrrrve him!

And yes, I know most of the blame lies with him, but if starry-eyed delusionists like the OP had the inklings of a moral conscience, the selfish wankers would find it a lot harder.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/05/2013 20:56

shame - I didn't mean that MN was only for wives and mothers Hmm Just that there are many of them here, many who have been through the heartbreak of discovering that their husband is having an affair with some random like you. It seems an odd place to come with your tale of star-crossed love and soul mates. And yes, with your pigeon-holing comment you clearly do think that you are something special. Unfettered by the mundanity of marriage?

So - are you going to see him on Saturday? What bullshit will he have spun his wife, do you think, about why he is out?

Chubfuddler · 29/05/2013 20:57

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of all this, you don't even want him to leave his wife. What are you getting out of this - a relationship you know won't make too many demands on you? If so there are plenty of single men desperate for friendly sexcapades without the looming pressure of when are we moving in/getting married/having a baby.

It might be a little more prosaic than this torid nonsense though.

You are not in a Barbara Cartland novel. There is no external " force" compelling either of you to do anything.

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:01

Alibaba - it wasn't my intention to be insensitive. Newsflash: there are shitloads of OW on Mumsnet who need guidance and help. It isn't a forum exclusively for the pious.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 29/05/2013 21:03

Oh dear. Starting to shoot the messenger, eh OP?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:04

No Chub. Not at all.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:06

have you always been the one to break the "no contact" bollocks ?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/05/2013 21:07

Here is some guidance and help.

Grow the hell up and cut contact.
Because you could if you really wanted to. Don't turn up to the next meeting, delete all his contact details from everywhere and block his number. Ignore any communication that gets through.

But you aren't doing that, because secretly you are hoping that Saturday will be the day when he announces that he has left his wife and is all yours.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:08

I think Op is telling porkies when she says she doesn't want him to leave his wife

She knows he won't so this is the sop she allows herself to feel better about it

a bit like the 6yo saying "I didn't want the sweeties anyway so nerr"

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 21:09

No AF. But last time was me.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 29/05/2013 21:09

No need to call people that don't fuck married people "pious" then, eh?

It's very easy to end this. You don't owe him massive explanations. You don't have to have some overwrought heart to heart about it. You send a text: it's over. Do not contact me again.

You block his numbers and emails. That's all really.

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 21:09

who are the pious ones then ?

the ones that condemn your actions ?

I thought you condemned them too ? Do you not now ?

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