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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me remove the rose tinted specs

260 replies

shameshame · 29/05/2013 11:10

I've been a fool. I'm in love with a married man. He's got a young child. I know i'm stupid but I can't change my feelings no matter how hard I try - and i HAVE tried (No contact etc - it just never works). I would never expect him to walk out on his family for me. He says he loves me but can't leave his child. It is beyond sex - there are really strong feelings involved. I need out of this situation. Please please help.

OP posts:
Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:44

Oh god AF! Please don't go all daily mail on me! I know my clock is ticking and am plagued by that fact but on a different note, i've invested a lot into my career and want to concentrate on that, not kids, right now.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:46

It's got nothing to do with the Daily Fail

I thought I would conceive easily when I was in the right place in my life

I was very wrong indeed

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:46

Yes AF - when you put it like that, it is quite ridiculous.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 18:48

when you were wee girl thinking of being in love,was it being the fancy piece to married man?
I think you've constructed a whole convoluted scenario hy you can't be apart
you know he doesn't want you.if he did he'd leave wife,it's that simple.other men do

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 18:49

So, stop being ridiculous

it's not compatible with being an intelligent career woman

and will bring you nothing but sadness and the contempt of others

even Prince Charming with the Golden Cock there doesn't respect you

scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 18:52

quite simply if he wanted to be with you,he would.hed make that difficult leap
fact he hasn't,speaks volumes.fact you know you cant/won't ask him to leave speak volume
nothing you describe is result of career drive.for what ever reason you've chosen unavoidable man

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 18:58

thanks scottish. I know you are right. If he could tell me this himself it would make it a lot easier and I would find the strength to move on but instead i'm in limbo.

AF - thank you - you are right as per. I just need to think much more rationally. Why can't I do this? This thread has helped.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 19:03

no.stop being so passive it isn't about you waiting for him to tell you intentions
you're purposefully abdicating responsibility,waiting on him give you nod
are you usually so passive?why aren't you proactive in your life choices?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 19:11

Yes, scottish - why am I waiting for him to give me the nod? Sounds like i've lost my mind. No I am not normally this passive and agree, I need to get MUCH more pro-active here.

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 19:13

Agree with scottishmummys last post.

You are saying you need him to tell you to go away.
Why?

In your heart of hearts [I think that is where you need to concentrate], you know that he is not going to commit to you. Not now. Not ever.

So are you sort of waiting for him to sort of romantically let you go,to sort of let you float away?

SilverOldie · 29/05/2013 19:13

If you have read a single thread on this relationship forum from a woman whose world has been torn apart because her husband is having an affair, you would stop this relationship.

When I was younger I met a man who lived in Ireland but worked in London during the week. I thought he was the love of my life but after a while I discovered he was married and cut contact immediately. I was heartbroken, in pain, but had the self respect to do the right thing and so should you.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 19:14

why?because maybe unconsciously you want him to chose for you.the enpasse suits you
youre unable to be proactive,as something is blocking you.so you chose an unsuitable man
the unsuitable man stops you being single,delays you having kids.so what you going to do

ktef · 29/05/2013 19:15

OP you said a few posts back that you didn't get presents/meals /hotels and that they would make you very uncomfortable. This is Exactly what lots of people having supposedly "romantic" affairs say to themselves. But I would ask yourself why this is. I suspect that the presents/meals/hotels would make you feel like you are having some cheap stereotypical affair. Where as you like to persuade yourself that this is a great love story. But just because you avoid hotels and spend your time staring into each others eyes saying if

ktef · 29/05/2013 19:19

Sorry, cut off.... But just because you talk about feelings and stuff, really doesn't make it any better. It is still an affair. And my limited experience is that most people who have affairs think cheap nasty affairs are what other people have. What I did was "love".

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 19:20

Ilikethebreeze - Because he is telling me he loves me and that we are soul mates, meant for each other yada, yada, yada (I know this is cringeworthy, but I have bought it hook, line and sinker.) If he said he will never leave wife, loves wife etc - I could at least cling onto that and move onwards and upwards.

SilverOldie - i would be lying if I said I had not read the boards. I have and the relationship continues. Stupid, heartless and selfish. I know. :(

OP posts:
FasterStronger · 29/05/2013 19:22

shame I don't think the details matter.

he is quite happy with having both of you.
you are choosing to play second fiddle to his wife. she is more important to him than you.
you are not his soul mate. but if he tells you that you are, he gets to have both of you.

its what SM says - you need to stop being passive. & you will be happier in the future, if you ditch him.

scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 19:23

he doesn't love you,you're easy reliable fuck.if he wanted you he'd leave wife
plenty men do leave wife,do undergo turbulent divorce to be with the ow
you're man has his wife,kid,faux respectability and you for sex,and you believe his cheesy lines

AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 19:25

Soul mates ? Meant for each other ?

Gosh, I feel really embarassed for you. Career woman you say ?

He won't tell you to sling your hook. Why would he ? He gets wifey to raise his darling children while you stay on the sidelines, watching your ovaries shrivel further with each passing year.

have you heard the term personal responsibility ?

why don't you employ a healthy dose of it ?

scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 19:30

you do want to change this,on a certain level it fulfils you or an idea you have
you're in this relationship because you chose to maintain it,you know what advice you'll get
his obvious line is but we is soulmates.you know it's shite,but it suits you.you like this

Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 19:33

The soul mates things that you say you have bought into.
Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that?
And if you really were his soul mate, is his wife his soul mate too?

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 19:34

Yes AF - i know this makes me sound like a prize twat.

scottish - i understand what you are saying - it rings true. i don't want to maintain this relationship. I've come on here to get the motivation I greatly need to get out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 29/05/2013 19:35

You just sound silly tbh

Original poster
shameshame · 29/05/2013 19:36

Ilikethebreeze - no i don't believe it. of course it's BS. Wish I hadn't told yous about that part as I realise I need to get a grip!!

OP posts:
Ilikethebreeze · 29/05/2013 19:37

Have you had any boyfriends before this man?

scottishmummy · 29/05/2013 19:38

throw self into work,do some cpd,do a zumba class, go out with single pals
I feel a bit patronising telling you obvious diversionary things to loose a married shagger
again,passivity.stop asking mn strangers what to do.whats your locus control.you chose!