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Original poster

It appears ive been dumped - again.

391 replies

samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 10:04

Every damn time.
Same old story, you have a few dates, you eventually sleep with them, they vanish into thin air.

I thought this one was different, before we had sex he was talking about stuff we could do together this weekend, and ' next time' and it was all good, this was last weekend, Since then ive had a few texts and thats it. Our plans for last night, which HE organised came to nothing.

Its just so bloody depressing and such a cliche.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 13:38

yes, but the new friend isnt your friend yet either, are they, its still getting to know each other.

Im not suggesting that im in love with someone after a few dates, but you have to take people on face value, as they appear at the time, and like you say, you build up a picture over a lenght of time.

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 29/05/2013 13:45

samething well that does happen with friends, but in a more natural way. You're busy, you're not that fussed, things wither. The problem with dating is very quickly people start to assume contact should continue and intensify and that creates decision points. The polite thing is of course to be honest and open, but if someone is forcing something that you're just not that fussed about the temptation will be to ignore. Rude maybe but natural.
And it's different, with a new friend there is no assumption that you will then have to drop other friends, stop making new friends etc. The stakes are high when dating and if someone is nice but nothing special but by sticking with them you're missing out on something better then of course it's fine to drop them.

Some of the general discussion seems to be annoyance that men can have a few dates, sleep with someone and move on. Well sorry that's what dating culture is. No one wants to marry the kid across the road anymore. You get out there, you meet some people, most of the time it won't go anywhere so you politely move on. Maybe to some that looks like a sweetie shop or instant gratification, but to me it's just making sensible, discerning decisions about who you actually want a relationship with.

lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 13:50

I think Velvet hit the nail on the head when she said that the reason it's so hard to find a man on OD who is going to be a decent person is that most struggle to meet a woman any other way and have something unpleasant about them.

I once had someone fabricate a whole character and personality and job, etc, very convincingly and even phoned me, arranged to meet me then say he was going to be late then not turn up. He kept on trying to keep my interest though Hmm And I ignored him. 2 months later I spotted an identical profile with a different picture on, definitely by the same author. Very, very odd.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 14:00

ooohh, once i had contact with someone who said he was very weathy and had this penthouse appt, wonderful job etc... we chatted for along time before meeting.
He was late on the first date, because he came from his parents, his car had broken down and he didnt know the bus times.

We didnt date but sort of stayed friends and chatted on and off. Years later i find out that he actually lived at home, with his parents, aged 33. He couldnt drive and his parents gave him lifts everywhere.

It was a total lie, a fabrication of his whole life. He is still on the dating sites now...

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lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 14:03

That's the problem - people can pretend even more than usual when it comes to online dating.

lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 14:05

There was another one who seemed nice enough, was very good looking. Then I found out he supports the BNP - needless to say I did not contact him again.

VelvetSpoon · 29/05/2013 16:00

There are a lot of racists/ extremists on dating sites. Again comes back to issue of the sort of men who can't meet a woman by any other means.

I don't like excusing bad behaviour. I've never disappeared on or ignored anyone. If I cancel dates I do so with good reason and plenty of notice. Saying 'oh well it's to be expected' is a bit rubbish really.

I don't agree paid sites are better. Ok, I met the man I am seeing on one, but I also had many smutty emails (and a wanking video...) From blokes on paid sites. One of the worst was a bloke from gsm in fact, which is supposed to be a bit highbrow. Allegedly.

ATEOTD, its all luck. And the more fussy you are, the more of a 'challenge' you are, the less chance you have.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 16:13

wanking videos.
yes, ive had them from match. i had forgotten about them.

also the guy on match, who had a profile on pof as a TV.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 16:21

I've noticed that people seem to end up with a lot of heartache and been messed about on dating sites. I'm not sure if that's more than real life meeting people but there was a thread on here recently where the OP had been with a man for quite a while and thought the relationship was genuine, only to find he had carried on contacting other women the entire time.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 17:49

yes, i do remember that.

Like i said, there are always lots of dating threads, i swear its because people have no idea what the reality of online dating is like. Its so removed from any normal type of behaviour, that people are just flumoxed.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 29/05/2013 17:56

Good luck with your date at the weekend. It only takes on man to change it all, and you never know.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 17:57

one!

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 18:03

I dont even think of it as ever leading to anything more. Nothing more than the one off.
Its the only way to deal with it i think.

Its only when i get a few dates in that i start to wonder if it might go somewhere, and i dont automatically mean a long term relationship.

Most of the time, 99.99999% of the time its a one off date.

( ive also been messaged on pof by a god of a man who is only 26... beautiful. id be more than happy with a shag and go from him...)

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 20:56

I can't believe you met up with him again and invited him back for coffee after he made cutting, insulting remarks about why he didn't want a relationship with you.

I really think you need to work on your self esteem. You need to be far more aware. I am sure a freak like that gave more than a few signs he was unstable. I don't believe it was just after you slept with him he suddenly let down his level of charm.
I would re- think the dating plan and meet men
through another avenue. You sound very intelligent and open, maybe too forgiving for this kind of cut throat OD meat market.
I mean this as honest advice abouwhere you are going wrong and not just making you feel better and continuing to make the same mistakes.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 21:11

No, he didnt say he didnt want a relationship with me, he was planning on seeing me again. Hes just nuts.

I did not know quite how nuts as ive only just met him. Until this point i just thought him overly confident and cavalier, but since im somewhat the same, that was fine. when i realised it was not the same at all, i dumped him.

Someone with low self esteem would not dump someone, someone with low self esteem would be taking the blame for the situation and trying to fix it. I did neither of these things. I knew it wasnt my fault, i said as much from the very beginning and the dumped him when i realised he was not what i thought....

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 21:15

But you said he insulted you, I am sure you did in the update post. You said he was 40 mins late and made some hurtful remarks about you at dinner.

Do you honestly think he meant it when he said to keep in touch? I agree it's great you didn't go further but I don't think he wanted a relationship with you Confused

Anyway onwards and upwards. I think you sound great and too good for all this crap quite frankly. Can you meet guys another way? Anyone that tickles your fancy at work
Or hobbies?

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 21:24

He wasnt even being insulting. Its just how he is. I stalked his fb, its how he talks to people. He totally assumed i would see him again.... He was very shocked i told him to fuck off and deleted him off my fb. He told me to wait and contact him in a few months when he felt better. And we didnt have dinner????

I dont think he wants a relationship with anyone. Hes recently single, on meds from the doctor, off sick most of the time from work, doing a lesser job at the momment anyway because hes so depressed. Hes got one dating profile in which he mostly winds women up, or turns up to dates in fancy dress. and he has profiles as women, to wind men up. I did not know any of this till this weekend, else i wouldnt have seen him again. The man is a walking mess.

If you know of any other ways someone can meet single men, they do tell. Please dont say evening classes though...:) Fact is, its very hard when you are not in your early 20's. Socalising time is very limited, funds are limited, friendship groups are all married off, everyone has young children. Its almost impossible, and its not just me that finds myself in this postion, hence online dating being so popular... :)

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 21:55

I know it's hard. My sister is in the same position, she had some bad experiences online.
Do you like any sports? Tennis is popular this time of year and there can be some fit guys hanging around, esp as the clubs pair you up with players anyway...

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 22:08

Im an outdoorsey person, but im not a sporty person.

OP posts:
MumofMinx · 29/05/2013 22:09

I'm sorry to be harsh, but I agree with DrAnge. I think you either need to be reading these men better or waiting longer before you sleep with them. Someone can easily keep up a pretence over four dates. Plus it sounds as though the signs of him being a narcissistic, depressed, people hater where there.

DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 22:21

"Then he told me i had my odds stacked againist me as i dont live within walking distance and have a child. he also told me there were other reasons, but they were deeply cutting. I was rather gobsmacked and said ' yes, but you asked to see me' and he told me that it was just something to do. "

Ok I don't mean to push this but I am genuinely trying to give you advice so it doesn't happen again. After he made the remarks which you describe as "deeply cutting" ( how dare he!) you should have got up and left darling! No coffee no way. He knows those comments were hurtful believe me, he doesn't just speak to everyone like this. Yes he is a total slime bag looser, but you need to get to know someone a lot better before you fall so deep. You really liked him. You need to pick up on those signals. Go easy for a while and take a break.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 22:28

No, he said he wasnt going to say as they were deeply cutting. I suspect he was just trying to get a reaction from me, as thats what people like that do. I didnt give him one and instead gave back as good as i got, laughed and took a swig of my drink.

i could not leave, i was 25 miles away from home, in the middle of knowhere, with no public transport and no phone signal.

He does speak to everyone like that, i have seen evidence on his fb and heard him on the phone to people. He thinks hes charlie brooker and its funny. its not.

i didnt really like him, i liked him a bit, before i knew he was an arse and then dumped him. I did not fall deep after a few dates and if i did i would possibly need some mental health help. I had fancied him and enjoyed our previous dates, that is all. he was interesting to me. I was still on the dating site and chatting to other people, i wasnt trailing after him like some love sick puppy....

OP posts:
DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 22:45

Well what do you think you can do differently regarding this dating thing then?

DoctorAnge · 29/05/2013 22:46

You say you keep getting dumped. Not a good feeling. What can you do to stop it?

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 22:51

I dont think i can do anything differently.

You meet, you can only judge people on how they are when you meet them, each time you meet them you build a bit more of the picture and decide if you want to see them again and if theres a chance it might lead to a relationship. or not.

I had actually already decided with this guy that he wouldnt be any good for a relationship, but i was hoping it would be a summer fling.

he didnt actually dump me, as i saw him again.... i dumped him :)

and im still not fussed about the sex side of it at all.

OP posts: