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Original poster

It appears ive been dumped - again.

391 replies

samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 10:04

Every damn time.
Same old story, you have a few dates, you eventually sleep with them, they vanish into thin air.

I thought this one was different, before we had sex he was talking about stuff we could do together this weekend, and ' next time' and it was all good, this was last weekend, Since then ive had a few texts and thats it. Our plans for last night, which HE organised came to nothing.

Its just so bloody depressing and such a cliche.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 29/05/2013 11:00

To quote Einstein (allegedly). The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

If women don't like feeling hurt by having quick flings, then don't have them. It's not being prudish to keep your knickers on in the first few weeks, it's to stop overinvesting in these men that you don't know yet.

StuffezLaYoni · 29/05/2013 11:04

I suppose that's it, walk no come-back on them. Sad
I must admit, I've had a quite a few of the pervy ones similarl to the one I posted, but never the vile, venomous types like velvet quoted.

A couple of years ago I met a guy and right from the off it was terrible as his pic was clearly about ten years out of date. Part way through the evening he was drivelling on about some number sequence (!) and I said "You mean Fibonacci?" He looked shocked and was really unimpressed. Cue snidey comments about me being too clever, etc. Wanker.

I'm giving up on it all now anyway. I've found my dream house (please God let me get it!) in the absolute middle of nowhere and I'm going to keep pigs and be a mad cat woman forever.

VelvetSpoon · 29/05/2013 11:33

Why did he say it? Because he can, because he's ignorant. Because I am a bit chubby and look a bit like a slag maybe Hmm. That was his first message btw - I instantly deleted and blocked him. It was a while ago, can't remember what he looked like but it's hard to forget such an unpleasant message.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 11:39

Scray - i dont think that if you have had say, 5 or 6 dates with someone, you are over invested in them if you are hurt that they just drop you with no contact, Again, its not about the sex at all, but about just having manners. Its a weird behaviour, in any other walk of life it would beweird, say you met a new friend, went on a couple of nights out, some day trips, had dinner and then she just vanished, you would be left wondering why, this is no different.

OP posts:
piratecat · 29/05/2013 11:58

i've been od on and off ( well visiting the sites) for 8 yrs. Few dates, nothing i wanted to persue. I am unable to go out as am a single mum and have no child care i can afford.

I just think someone may come along you never know.

It's so variable. I got a reply to a message a few days ago saying i was too old for one guy, he was 42 i am 44.
I think it would have felt better had he said he didn't fancy me.

#feelingancient!!!!

lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 12:05

Tbh, I don't personally know anyone who has had a successful relationship from online dating although I know that some people have.

I have said this before but do not use POF - it is full of unpleasant, selfish people.

lottieandmia · 29/05/2013 12:07

Oh, and on POF there are a LOT of married people pretending to be single. That's why some of them disappear without a trace.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:10

i see the messgae of ' stop being over invested' when its got past a month or so of dating as again, blaming the woman for the mans shit behaviour.

Its sort of saying its her fault for being hurt. Which isnt the case really, is it.

Walkacross, Sometimes there are one or two nice ones on POF, or there must be because people do meet people on there, apparently.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 29/05/2013 12:13

Yes, I agree it might seem like odd behaviour for a female friend but I would put it down to her not enjoying my company, as in we didn't click as mates.

When you throw sex into the mix then I would put it down to him only being after that then moving on. Fine if you are happy with that to happen but give it a bit of time if not.

He sounds like a knob btw and I don't say that lightly.

Scrazy · 29/05/2013 12:16

Not blaming anyone, it's up to an individual how much they invest in a new relationship. Sleeping with a guy steps it up when they might not be on the same page. They might be, as it lots of people have successful relationships of a ONS but up to you if you take the risk.

No point moaning afterward if they disappear.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:18

Its the same on paid sites though too. There is a general view that on paid sites you get people serious about relationships. This is a myth :)

same amount of abusive messages, same smut. Same amount of disappearing men. Plus most of them have profiles on the free sites too, because, why wouldnt you.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:20

Its not even about the sex. Im not bothered about the sex and have said that from the very beginning.

Its about manners and not being a cock.

If you have to withhold sex to keep them interested, then they are only interested for the sex anyway, and most likely will fuck off once they have got it.

I had sex because i wanted to, i enjoyed it, im not upset and havent once said that i am. What i am annoyed at is his crap behaviour.

OP posts:
Scrazy · 29/05/2013 12:24

That's all fine then. You enjoyed it and hoped he was a decent guy, he wasn't.

You said dumped again? I presumed it's happened before, so refer to the Einstein quote.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:27

Scrazy - are you meaning to be so rude?

Yes, its happened before, lots of times. Not only when ive had sex, sometimes when i havent yet slept with them.

What do you expect me to be able to do differently???

If you have some amazing insight into this, please share it, because from where im sitting, i cant see how i can do things any differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:28

do you know anyone on dating sites, or just dating in general that hasnt been dumped a few times???

OP posts:
Scrazy · 29/05/2013 12:31

No I didn't mean to be so rude.

Forget I posted.

DoingItForMyself · 29/05/2013 12:31

*Its the same on paid sites though too. There is a general view that on paid sites you get people serious about relationships. This is a myth

same amount of abusive messages, same smut. Same amount of disappearing men. Plus most of them have profiles on the free sites too, because, why wouldnt you.*

Exactly Same, its a numbers game and if someone is willing to invest to go onto a paid site, chances are (if they're male anyway!) that they will stick a profile on a free site too, just because they can.

I met my lovely DP on POF and he was also on a few of the paid sites although I'm too tight, so just on the freebie one!

It does take a little bit of sifting to get through the crap to find nice guys but everyone I met was nice in their own way, just not for me. Never had any dodgy messages, inappropriate photos etc. The odd "hey sexy wanna meet up?" (which I deleted immediately)

I understand why you are pissed off with him and now you know that he was a total wanker and it was nothing you did, I hope you can move on and meet several more suitable candidates!

ALittleStranger · 29/05/2013 12:33

I don't know if paid for does equate to serious, but I have never had smut or abuse and only use a paid site.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:38

i have a date this weekend...

It is just one of those things, and im not bothered about it now.

The only reason i re posted was because the blame had been laid at my door for somehow scaring the poor bloke away, and i wanted to counter that and show ( especially if anyone is dating) that that wasnt the case and it was just because hes a nut.

I couldnt have done anything better, or differently, and if i did it would have had the same outcome, because hes a nut.

Had i have slept with him or not, i still would have been confused and pissed off with this happening. because he is a nut and i am a normal human being and this kind of behaviour IS weird and rude and just not nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 12:41

I get so much smut its unreal.

Paid or non paid.

My profile isnt sex, there are no sexy pictures, no references to anything, i dont understand it.

OP posts:
curryeater · 29/05/2013 12:55

I don't think it's OD's fault.
I work with a very nice, rather posh, single young woman. She is rather Boden, rather Kath Kidston, ever so jolly and kind and funny and sweet.

She went on two dates with a nice-seeming man we are tenuously connected to through work and on the second one (the first one having given him no encouragement for anything like this, just a pleasant drink I think) he said something very off-colour about some non-mainstream activities he had been imagining with her. she was quite offended as there had been no lead up to this at all.

Well - that is not the fault of online dating as that is not how they met - but arguably it is, as OD promotes an instant gratification dating culture?

Mumsyblouse · 29/05/2013 12:57

I don't agree about the paid thing, I have two friends who have found men through dating agencies (and paid a lot of money), one married, one didn't. I used one myself and certainly didn't get anything like the idiots that Velvet and others have found (and I do believe they are out there- I've seen how some very immature men behave on these sites and heard my single friends stories as well).

I think you have to be realistic that if you sleep with someone, you may or may not see them again and be fine with what is on offer either way- if you get emotionally invested through sex (as one of my very close friends does) then don't do it to protect yourself, nothing to do with what they prefer.

I feel that online sites are really regressive, or some of them are, being called derogatory names, used for fun and not considered a person in your own right (I don't mean sexually, I mean as a human) - my friend has come off online sites like Match as she just can't take starting up with another chancer who is like a kid in a sweetie shop, happy to hang out for a few dates/sex and then move on, and that's the nice ones!!!

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 29/05/2013 13:04

again, with the emotional investment, i think if you spend any lenght of time with somone, sex or no sex, you get a bit invested, its natural.

Like i said, say you met a few friend, you chatted a bit and then met up for coffee, had a nice time and went out for dinner a week later, enjoyed each others company, so had a day trip out, spoke on the phone a bit and oganised dinner and a movie, popped in at theirs for coffee. and then you had a shopping trip organised, and you text to check the details and she just didnt respond. You would wonder what the hell happened, think she was rude, be hurt and upset. This is exactly the same. Its really no different at all.

OP posts:
Chislemum · 29/05/2013 13:28

met my DH online - back in 2006, we got married year after and were engaged within 4 months of meeting. I know another two married couples (via same site Match.com)

it can work but have to say that I joined "together" with other girls from work (new year's resolution) and had no expectations and that is perhaps why I was lucky to find someone. Had one of those three months for one month paid deals and met some people (decent people and nutters). DH was only one where I wondered why he was single and that was just before the deal expired. People are right about "candy shop" mentality but you have to treat these dates like off-line acquaintances; you get a feel who is a chancer. They never got any sex from me - only DH did and that was after quite some dating. He also told me that there were time waster women btw, that just emailed endlessly and then did not want to meet.

It can work, OP, but I was just lucky. Don't think you did anything wrong.
HUGS!! x

Mumsyblouse · 29/05/2013 13:32

Yes but these are not your friends and they do not have your best interests at heart! they are guys on a merry-go-round of dating. And, are perfectly free not to see you after a few dates. That's why getting over-invested til you start to get to know them, their friends, their behaviour, everything is a mistake, my friend has done this so many times in a row now, and made herself ill wondering why people don't want to be with her, but you can't invest your heart with a person you don't know and to be honest, a large amount of it is projection and not the reality of the person who you simply don't know yet.