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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It appears ive been dumped - again.

391 replies

samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 10:04

Every damn time.
Same old story, you have a few dates, you eventually sleep with them, they vanish into thin air.

I thought this one was different, before we had sex he was talking about stuff we could do together this weekend, and ' next time' and it was all good, this was last weekend, Since then ive had a few texts and thats it. Our plans for last night, which HE organised came to nothing.

Its just so bloody depressing and such a cliche.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 25/05/2013 17:14

I can categorically say I haven't met any funny or interesting (other than from a treating psychologist's point of view) men whilst OD'ing...so OP if you haven't either, you're not alone :)

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 17:20

I havent, not really. None of them have become my friends either.

I have met a lot of losers, timewasters, liers, men that like in some make believe world.

I know it wasnt anything i did ( contary to what the first part of this thread tried to tell me) I know it lies with him, but still, its bloody crap and a little depressing when something turns out to be the opposite of what you hoped it might be.

I think unless people have been single for a very long time, and have had the constant highs and then crashing lows of online dating, over and over again, its quite easy to say pick yourself up and dont take it personally.... The reality is somewhat different.

OP posts:
RafaellaNhaKyria · 25/05/2013 17:21

My apologies for flying off the handle, Not Dead. I don't think I've ever been that rude to someone on MN before.

I'm 37, divorced, fat and have a cat. You hit such a nerve that I'd have probably lamped you if you'd been within reach! No excuse to tell someone to fuck off though.

WafflyVersatile · 25/05/2013 17:34

I know you meant at the same time.

SolidGoldBrass · 25/05/2013 17:34

It is a bit chickenshit and impolite for him not to at least send a text along the lines of 'You're lovely but not the one for me'. But it's possible that he may have been burned a time or two by women who refuse to accept being dumped and keep pestering for 'closure' and an explanation of why he doesn't want to continue seeing them. Most people would rather avoid confrontations, and nearly everyone would cringe at the thought of being asked for an 'honest' explanation of why they don't want to see someone any more, because it's difficult, and can feel unkind, to say 'I don't find you attractive enough' or 'You're actually really boring'. (BTW I am absolutely NOT saying that the OP is ugly or boring, just generalising.)

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 25/05/2013 18:00

and update:

I sent a text earlier today saying it was a shame he didnt make last night. I have had no response.

Hes on my FB, hes just liked some of my pics.

So - he knows he stood me up ( of sorts) he knows hes ignored my texts. and yet he is liking stuff on my fb.

biggest game player?
or
total wanker?

OP posts:
IGuessIHadYourLeavinComing · 25/05/2013 18:13

OP I feel your pain, and although so far I've never slept with someone I've met online (simply because I've only managed to get one date with an arsehole on POF.. long story!), I can absolutely relate to how you feel.

I've had a profile on POF for about 3 months. In that time, I've had one lousy date and literally hundreds of chats with players, liars, milf-hunters, perverts, etc. I did actually chat to one seemingly nice, funny and intelligent guy, who I thought was different, but NO, he turned out to be an aspiring cocklodger!

I had already decided to do as BigBlock suggests, and I agree with what she says about POF men running a mile if there is the slightest hint of seriousness... and that is NOT to say that the OP has given this impression, but I think I definitely and unintentionally have.. so tonight I'm getting online for some outrageous mild flirting and banter Smile.

IGuessIHadYourLeavinComing · 25/05/2013 18:15

In answer to your latest post, I'll go with total wanker.

ExcuseTypos · 25/05/2013 18:32

Yes, he's a total wanker

De-friend him off Facebook so he can't see your photos.

If he asks why, tell him he's an ignorant ducker for standing you up.

He should get the message not to be so rude in future.

NotDead · 25/05/2013 18:39

Sorry Rafaella, really didn't mean to offend... having cats can be cute being divorced is fine.. I met a gorgeous engaging woman probably older than you recently who was divorced and probably describe herself as fat. She had a wonderful engaging child and was a delight to be with. Said negatively any criteria can be arsed about with like that..

lemonmuffin · 25/05/2013 18:42

If you're not that bothered about him OP, why do you care?

He's obviously not that into you. Deal with it.

ClippedPhoenix · 25/05/2013 19:43

OP I feel for you, Ive just started online dating again and it is a minefield it really is. This could have happened whether you met him on line or not though. He's an arse and best you found out now, this of course doesn't help the upset you feel at the moment. So here's a Wine for you and an unmumsnetty x

Onwards and upwards huh.

Oh and take him off your facebook right now.

ClippedPhoenix · 25/05/2013 19:56

Oh and I met my last two ex's on POF. I was with the first one for a year and the second for nearly 4 years.

DiscoDonkey · 25/05/2013 20:04

Defriend him and don't bother sending another text. He doesn't sound very nice.

EternalRose · 25/05/2013 20:53

OP you sound familiar...

ClippedPhoenix · 25/05/2013 21:03

why would it matter if she did sound "familiar". A post is a post???

ElizaDoLots · 25/05/2013 22:29

I thought the same Eternal. I remember a post ages ago (years, maybe)when an OP posed the same problem and got quite defensive about the replies she was given.

OP, maybe you are coming across a little defensive and angry with men and that is what they are picking up on?

VelvetSpoon · 25/05/2013 23:01

Leaving aside whether or not it's familiar (which really isn't surprising, loads of people, me included, have had similarly terrible experiences with OD) it's a bit much to say the OP comes across as 'defensive and angry' and basically therefore it's her fault! Hmm

Ifthe OP does come across angry, isn't that simply because she's pissed off at being dumped by silence, which is a completely NORMAL reaction. I doubt any of you wouldn't be at least a bit annoyed if you were seeing someone and they suddenly vanished on you. So she's been annoyed by the behaviour, which is not to say she was annoyed (presumably not) before it.

And in any event, this man was clearly interested enough to go on several dates, and is still involving himself on her FB. So any 'faults' in her behaviour didn't put him off, actually still haven't, because if they had, I'm sure he would have deleted her. He is obviously a knobber, and not sending a text, combined with the FB stuff, makes that pretty certain.

Bant · 25/05/2013 23:23

I read a blog post a few days ago which tries to explain why men (and women, they do it too..) just disappear without a trace - especially in online dating.

In the olden days, we generally used to meet people at social gatherings, work, friends of friends, whatever, and if someone just vanished after several dates they would be known and judged by mutual friends or acquaintances.

These days with online dating, there is no judgement. You can meet someone, date them, disappear and the only way you're made to feel guilty is your own conscience and the texts from the person you've dumped. You don't go into work and see so-and-so's mate saying 'so what happened? You just dropped her? Bit rude, wasn't it?' or have mutual friends avoid you because you've proved to be a bit of a wanker.

So you can just blithely go on with life without feeling guilty.

And.. women do it too. It's not just men.

ElizaDoLots · 26/05/2013 00:55

Well some of her replies are quite defensive given that she asked for help and people are trying to give it. I am merely saying if this is how she comes across IRL this may be a problem.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 28/05/2013 08:35

Just wanted to update this.

I ended up seeing him yesterday, there was a bit of tooing and froing as he couldnt decide if ' he could be bothered' or ' felt like it' he confessed to trying to meet his ex for lunch but then insisted he would be fine and i should see him, but only as friends.

He turned up 40 mins late, was in a vile mood and made sarky comments everytime i spoke, so in the end i ended up not speaking. He pretty much ignored me the whole time, even walking off in front of me. During the course of the date he told me how hes having a bit of a mental crisis, thinks hes narcisitic, has been off work for ages with depression and doesnt like people and people dont like him. Then he told me i had my odds stacked againist me as i dont live within walking distance and have a child. he also told me there were other reasons, but they were deeply cutting. I was rather gobsmacked and said ' yes, but you asked to see me' and he told me that it was just something to do.

He had a go at me about not re inviting him out to this thing on the friday. I said ' but you didnt reply to my last text and i didnt want to pester you as i didnt know where i stood' so he then replied to my text in front of my face with a ton of sarky comments.

We came back home and he told me he had had a nice time but i had been very annoying, not by anything i had done,but just by being there.

So - im taking this as proof indeed it was not me, it was not because i texted too much, or not enough, or did sex wrong, or was needy or desperate or any of the things i was told i might have been. Im just posting this so people can see the absolute direness of online dating and how people can be total arses.

Needless to say i later told him to fuck off and i will not be seeing him again.

OP posts:
glastocat · 28/05/2013 08:47

What an absolute cock! You had a lucky escape I reckon, very happy that you told him to fuck off!

GoingUpInTheWorld · 28/05/2013 08:50

WOW!!!

He deserves to be single for the rest of his life if he thinks its ok to be treat people like that.

Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 28/05/2013 08:53

Oh, and i paid as well, and the telling me i was annoying just by being there, was said to me while he was sat on my sofa, drinking a coffee i had just made him.

I have never come across someone so rude. he also mocked my house interiour, now, if his house was something special i could understand, but it was filthy, last time i was there there was a dying stag beetle on the kitchen floor for 2 days, which he left there for the cat, random egg shells the cat had eaten and more fluff than you could imagine.

rude

OP posts:
Original poster
samethingdifferentman · 28/05/2013 08:56

he said he was very shallow, so even if people are really nice and interesting, then he wont want to see them or be seen with them. he told me to count myself very lucky.

anyway, yeah. He will be single a long time.....

but i just wanted to post this to show what happened and to show posters who laid the blame at my door, that you can act perfectly normally, but when you dont know the other person ( and you dont, you are just getting to know them) they can be total arseholes..... and their behaviour is not usually a result of anything the woman has done.

OP posts: