Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

See, Noregrets, I always get the 4.something pinters, hence my concern! Being a boy, his aim and accuracy leave a little to be desired at the best of times... Am going to go with bounty's burrilliant suggestion of decanting some into a smaller mug or just the night before.

And that's a good suggestion about not bad-mouthing the bf too much - I was sooooo defensive of FW. Best to focus on his behaviour and how it makes her feel, rather than him being a a completely abusive FW (which it sounds like he is).

catherine Yes definitely just listen, if she's telling you about it then that's actually a really big step towards accepting that it's happening... Remember the things she tells you. She'll no doubt start minimising it, saying things are not really that bad, that he's so nice some of the time... Remind her of the things she's told you in the past, try to stop her from normalising it. Please do hang on in there, it'll be a long road probably.

pony my friend cried when I told her. I ended up comforting her. I think becuase it had become so normal to me. It was an eye opener how shocked she was.

Her reaction (after the tears) was fantastic. She didn;t make me feel an idiot or weak and pathetic (which is what FW freq tells me I am). She told me how strong and brave I was admitting it. She asked me what I would advise her if it was her in my position. And obviously the answer was leave leave leave. She also said that she understood how much harder it is when you are the one in the relationship as your emotions cloud your judgment. All that definitely made me want to tell her more.

And she often asks generally along the lines of 'how did you get on this weekend' so I can either tell her the whole sob story or just reply superficially 'it was great. we had chinese take away'. So that I don't feel any pressure. And she still chats to me about lots of normal things. ie most our converssations are just 2 friends talking. And sometimes we laugh together about some of the crazy things he says to me

Thank you everyone. There are no kids and its her house, think ses worried he cld make a claim to it though because he has lived there for out 6yrs and payed towards bills but I d t think he can can he? He has managed to isolate her from friends nd family, I do t no if we wud still be talking as much if it wasn't for a shared commitment. I'm so pleased she has started to talk

bounty she sounds like a fab, fab friend.

catherine - no idea on that front, don't think so unless they are married though. A solicitor or CAB could advise (free half-hr slot with solicitor). Although, it would be up to him to raise an action I think, she would be within her rights if it's her place to change the locks while he's out... But you are right, emotional abusers do tend to isolate their victims so if she's talking, listen and let her take it at her pace. You sound like a good friend too.

No, really, I am definitely going to bed now.

She needs to speak to a sol re: the house. If they are not married then I think she's def in a better place.

Starting to talk is a good thing. It means she has finally ackowledged that it is real.

You could send her our way. You don't need to have DC to be on here

pony she is fab. Don't think she realises quite how much she helps. One day when I'm finally sorted out I will let her know. It's funny really. They can isolate us all they want but we only really need one good friend to stick by us and believe us and then we can climb on out of the pit. or MN

I need my sleep too

just wanted to and say a quick hello, here at the tail-end of interesting BH w/end.

to Catherine - someone I spoke to recently that was in a highly abusive relationship, and only saw this one last person, having been successfully isolated from all other friends and family, and the thing that she said helped her, was that this one remaining person never slagged him off or anything, but would simply mention some truisms about relationships, she said these things stayed in her head and when he would lose his temper, name call, try to control, these words would come back to her and made her challenge the way she was being treated, she started seeing things differently. Let her continue to talk, and completely make her own choices. I screwed it up with a close family member who was in a highly abusive relationship (we're ok now) but I let my FW ex tell me horrible things (isolation tactics) against her, which successfully skewed/screwed my view of things.. .so its important to try to stay a distant but non-threatening association with her FW, although nigh on impossible sometimes!!!

To Colin to hang on in there ... there's a huge 'come down' from being with a chaotic FW like yours... if you feel a vast emptiness, a where's the life gone, a void, and massive down, etc... all these things are the fallout from sudden FW absence. It feels unreal and awful, nightmarish nothingness, but knowing that after a while this stops and your body adjusts back to normality of life without the continual high of adrendalin/eggshell walking daily/nightly drama. Its why so many go back as suddenly everything feels wrong somehow. Read 'Psychopath free*

I hope you sleep real long deep sleeps Pony & Charlotte - mine recently had excruciating ear infection... until drum burst... used both types of pain relief alternately to give higher dosage overall.

Here, I've just realised how much isolation tactics played in my life, and weirdnesses around me. The few of his more 'normal' friends that weren't walking around with puffy chests and picking fights on cocaine, I still maintain a link with, however, he's doing a good job of trying to closee those ones down too. Cuddling up with the baby DCat tonight, been graced with her presence (but she purrs really loudly until she goes to sleep, hopefully that will be soon!)

Loves to all, and sending up thoughts for change into the ether.... xx

That's an interesting subject - how do you let your friends know just how amazing they are? Mine just doesn't realise that I'd be nothing without her. She's been soft when needed, hard when needed. She's shielded and protected DD when FW has kicked off. She's the holder of my emergency bag, and my office when I need to speak to police, solicitors or counsellors. I sent her a bunch of flowers after FW threatened her life, but somehow nothing feels like enough....

Right on that happy note I must get some sleep too! x

Hi Vixens

Fi and all commenting on how to talk to a friend in ea - my head was nodding very hard - it's very hard when people angrily slag off one's fw and urge one to leave, tell him it's divorce time, have a big convo with him, etc etc, it is so not helpful. Of course we know all that, but like over eating, or substance abuse, being in and getting out of an ea r/s is not a matter of B&W logic - otherwise we'd all be home safe. It's highly complicated psychologically, isn't it?

Bounty your friend sounds amazing. I dearly love my family but their urging and almost impatience with me isn't helpful, although their support is, hugely.

Oh well, midnight rambling again.... working tomorrow, should really really go to bed! But I've had to work to a deadline tonight on something and needed some headspace to chill out after finishing.

Thank you fairyfi - it just seems impossible and I am berating myself for the part I played in everything and willing his return. Everything you've said makes sense, I found that book really useful when we first broke up, it's all true. I just don't care. I don't want to put the thread on a downer especially when everyone else is dealing with existing FW presence and coming on leaps and bounds.

It's too late and I shouldn't be up but wanted to mark a place. Thanks so much op for all these amazing links. You've really got me thinking about some of the ea I suffered. Especially the '20 Ways To Spot ' I had a chill down my spine at number 10 already!

its the way it is Colin ... breaking the addiction, because it was chaotic; one can form a normal bond with someone who is steady and like a rock (boring?), it is love and a bond and upsetting when it has to break but not tearing! Whereas that bond is constantly revved with hyper charge and unpredictability and insecurity and forged very strongly under highly charged circumstances, so when it stops...wow .. what a ripping and tearing and feeling impossible to be apart from... the only way I know of myself is the distance, and the boring and mundane, as everything settles down, but knowing that your brain will adjust to normal is enormously helpful to know, when you are travelling through that.

Don't worry about posting, this is why the thread exists hun... to support each other through the awfulness of it, the roller-coasters and fears. take care lovely xxx

I bin up late skyping around the world.. now ready to stop! hope all snoring safely in their beds xxx

welcome Snoopy c u again soon xx

Will read through properly later... just to say I had a much better night last night, thanks to FW taking dd3 into another room to sleep all night. So he can do it... so why is this the first time he has in nearly ten years of having dcs???

That was rhetorical, btw - I know the answer!

Hmm ok well I'll await the adjustment . I am back at work today after some time off. Good to be back out and about in my routine but I'm struggling more than ever with missing FW. Vented to my sister earlier, she's so upset that I still want him back and am expending energy on someone who doesn't give a shit. I have counselling later. What's the odds of her working a miracle on me?

charlotte glad you had a better night.

do you want her to work a miracle on you Colin?

Yes, I'd like to stop missing him, like to stop feeling so bad about him being all loved up with his new girlfriend, like to stop feeling so pathetic and sad, I cannot see my way out of this, I was doing so well and I've just dipped.

No Regret - wow. What you said about telling someone then minimising the ea. I have done that with my mother. I tell her all that's happened then I see her reaction (horror and shock) then I back peddle.

Breathe - I also feel that my family are becoming a bit impatient with me. They have heard the same story over and over again and wonder why I am still here. Although they are fantastic aswell.

Colin - I hope your counselling goes well. The thing is when you aren't together you can only remember the good bits. You have done so well.

My weekend was ok except for the sighing and sulking because I didn't want sex Monday morning. I am keeping a diary of when he is nasty to me to remind myself of the frequency. Only twice last month where he really lost his rag. Name calling, throwing things, punching walls.
That's not too bad! Is it?

Hope your counselling session goes ok Colin. It's still very early days for you. It's still baby steps. It's taken me months, a year in fact, to get to where I am now. And even then, if FW worked hard to win me over, I don't know if I wouldn't be swayed... Don't be too hard on yourself. Have a

FFF - he only threw things and punched walls twice last month? that he did it at all. Yes, it's still bad. It shouldn't be happening in a normal, loving, respectful, safe relationship. There's a bit in Lundy where he says that we can sometimes focus on some small change for the better, and not realise that this still leaves an unacceptable situation, but because it's better than it was we are so happy that it's less miserable (although still miserable) that we forget about the fact that it's still miserable just marginally less so in some ways.

I'm with you on the family front. I remember my sister getting quite snippy with me because they'd persuaded me to see a few solicitors, and thought that would be it, I'd leave after I'd see them. When I didn't, she was pretty pissed off with me, and I found that hard to take. Good that your family is supportive, but sometime they can be putting pressure on you in other ways, and making things hard.

Thankyou pony and funnyfishface.

I am remembering the good bits and the bad, and worringly, I don't even care about the bad ones. That's how low I am with it. Hopefully he'll be back before long, though I don't think it's likely, and I'll stop feeling like this, in the meantime, I have my counsellor and my friends and family to hold my hand.

The diary sounds like a plan funnyfishface but two 'losing of the rag' incidents in a month is bad. Sorry he continues to be a FW.

'they' don't understand... we are here learning to understand? We didn't understand... they try to do their best, they want it to be better, but just don't know how to make it better, cos they can't, only we can. I dread that one day I might recognise FWittery in a bf of DD.. what can I do?

Altho, I go back to the story of the friend I spoke with recently about this, and like some who have popped on here seeking advice for their friend, the slow trickle that challenges the negative drip drip, or like Pony quotes our Saint... only slightly less miserable examples..

for the tough time Colin the distance does work, the hyper calms, if you let it, when you want it... I spent years after walking out, in some sort of denial, and separated step by painful step. cold turkey is the way. No so easy with kids, but it all ends up going pretty much down the same road anyhow as the abuser ends up using the DC in every way possible by pressuring/manipulating them for their own ends to get at you, IME of course.

Bounty lovely friend!