Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh Charlotte, poor DD, I hear that ear infections are beyond painful. I wonder if FW senses your exhaustion and the shark in him realises you are at a vulnerable point right now. Avoid, avoid, avoid! If you want to talk, arrange a mutually convenient time. If you don't, tell him you don't and tell him to eff off.

Colin if you have all that money in the bank, why not pay for someone to come round to your place and verbally abuse you, make you feel like crap, make you watch them have a crap, then walk out the door with the rest of your money? That way you still get the experience but without the long-term problems of being with your FW. Sorry, am trying to be ridiculous to get you to see the situation.
Can you pinpoint what it is about him/about the relationship that makes you prefer life with him than to without him? Or pinpoint why you are willing to be treated so badly? That's what you need to work on.

:o Oh pony, poor you - I remember long swathes of time like that which I am so grateful to be mostly past! That is the trouble here, that I'm not used to it any more. I have to get up in the night, for one dc or another, but not for long and not more than once or twice. This, the relentless every hour or two - it's a killer!

Night all!

charlotte and NSN hoping your DC get better soon and that you both get a good night sleep.

IEM welcome - would definitely recommend telling a GP but also friend/relative. I told noone for a long time other than here and have now only told my parents and one trusted friend but the relief of spilling it out to someone in RL is incredible.

FFF hope you manage to avoid sex whenever you want (we have lots of off-putters thrush is a good one! )

colin and alice both of you are making such good headway. I feel pathetic in comparison.

Now a bit more unloading from me. Interestingly one of the conclusions that I have reached is the same as many of you upthread!

I think I have been too focussed on the texts and forgotten about all the other crap in our relationship. Yes he has managed not to mention my weight or eating for a whole 10 days. But there are still many issues

• hatred of any involvement with my parents and actually refuses to see them or allow them in our house
• does not do any of the housework (even when I was FT and he was SAHD)
• has not apologised or shown remorse for the weight comments
• refuses to do DIY in the house and bans me from doing it because I just create more work for him (his words - ie I'm not up to scratch so he then has to redo my work)
• general criticism of my work etc
• inability to discuss anything rationally. Either we do it his way or he flounces and then says 'you decided and tell me what's happening'
• un helpful parenting advice
• only does the fun part of childcare
• undermines me lots when dealing with DD (though again has been better for the last 10d)
• criticises everytime I pick DD up when she's crying, do something for her that he deems she should do herself.
• is a major hoarder and accuses me of OCD everytime I try to do even a small clear out

The other issue is PT working which he thinks is just until his contract ends in another month or so. I probably could arrange to return FT with work but I really really do not want to do that. I cannot describe how prescious the extra time with DD is to me. I would understand if we were struggling financially but the truth is I have claculated that I can (just) survive on my PT salary on my own so if we combine that with his salary then there is no money issue at all (except we won't be making quite as much as we potentially could which will be the issue in his eyes). However I am have come to terms with the fact that I will only have this one DC and so if I miss out on the preschool years with her then I will never get that chance again.

So my final decision is that I am taking the rental property but am going to give myself another month, see how his new found niceness (which is actually just most peoples normalness) progresses. See how he reacts to discussion on all the above issues and particularly the part time working issue and then make my decision then.

In my heart I think I want to go. I do love him but I just cannot see us growing old together. And I don't love living with him (the junk, dirt, mess as well as the behaviour) and so if all of that can't change then I will struggle. the issue is my Christian faith. I can allow myself to leave if he is abusive or unfaithful but not just because I want a clean and tidy house or my own way over PT working.

Sorry for long post - much of it is just for me to read back and remind myself over the coming weeks.

x-post. Quite right - shall tell him to eff off! Rather worried he's not going to go away as planned next week. Bastard FW spending time with his wife and family!!

Sorry to hear about all the sick LOs. Lack of sleep and worrying about dcs is enough to make anyone wobble, Charlotte

Welcome to the new faces and glad you've found this thread.

Colin do you prefer being with him or being with someone ? I only ask because it's a question I've been asking myself (with the counsellor). I can't answer it for you but I know, for me, that partly it's about building a new life and dreams that don't have him at the centre. I think it's natural to feel uncomfortable about that and to want the comfort of familiarity. However, the reality of EA relationships is that they often feel just as lonely as being on your own. (I'm telling myself as much as I'm telling you ).

I'm trying to get to bed at a reasonable time as I'm feeling pretty run down at the moment so no cavorting in the Vixens for me tonight.

bounty - no apologies! That is an excellent - what did someone call it recently - shitlist! You sound stronger again and more clearheaded, pleased to see that. You is NOT pathetic!

x-posts from me too
pony another poorly child. Hope he's better soon. That tiredness sounds beyond tiredness. Does your FW have the DC overnights ever? Just wondering whether you ever manage an undistrubed sleep or a lie in.
colin sounds tough. Like pony says - it is hard to imagine how life could possibly be better with your FW when you describe how he is. It may not be until many months/years down the line and you are dating someone else normal that you may fully appreciate how much better things without him can be. Would def recommend talking it through with a counsellor as I'm sure you can be happy in your own skin. Money in the bank sounds good anyway :)

charlotte - I sound clear headed again do I? Can you tell that FW has left to work away again

bounty I'm doing appallingly....pining for my abusive ex whose up to his nuts in his new girlfriend! That's not progress.

pony I know it's propostorous. I know some of the things I miss, but can't articulate it either at all or in a way that makes any sense

Oops, x-posted, bounty so much of your list is familiar, and even the part about your faith. I keep reading that they have already broken their vows by being FWs but I can't quite believe that in my heart.

I sometimes wish nsdh would do something big because it would be easier to leave and not face those quandaries and internal questions. I keep coming back to the point that I don't want ds to think this is a healthy relationship. And if I can see through his eyes what it looks like then I should also be able to see for myself that it's unhealthy. I've spent years thinking 'maybe if I did this; maybe if I did that'. I don't have the energy or capacity for delusion any more to think that I will change. So that only leaves him, and he isn't going to change since he is soooooo superior

Sorry I feel I've hijacked your post . . .

tether, that's an interesting point about familiarity. I think in my head, I had created a fantasy of what life could be like for me and FW, and that was so familiar to me, I was unwilling to let it go. Which meant I was unwilling to let the relationship go, even after his awful behaviour towards me and the kids.

bounty - your list is very telling. It doesn't speak of normal marital problems, but of abuse. Part of me wants to tell you not to leave it another month, that he is not going to change, or be fundamentally different, or even slightly remorseful (except perhaps briefly, while he's hoovering you). That part of me doesn't want you to inflict another month of that on yourself, and wants you to experience what it can be like on your own.
But I also know that these things aren't cut and dried, that you have to take your own path. Mine was most circuitous!!!! My belief he could change was affirming for me - I needed to believe he could change, otherwise it made everything else we had a mockery, didn't it? So if this month is important to you in giving him a last chance, then do that.

Charlotte hoping you get a reasonable night's sleep. You think your FW could get up to poorly DD that many times and remain calm, caring etc? Nope!!!! You are a survivor.

winnie no need to apologise. That's what is so great about this thread. That you think you are crazy for something (eg not wanting to divorce a total idiot simply because you got married for better or worse and it's tough luck that you seem to have ended up with more than your fair share of the worse) and then someone else totally totally gets it and offers you another perspective on it.

colin sorry I read your later post about not doing so great just now. I'm now thinking I need a dose of your guts because it must be very very hard to stick to your guns when it doesn't seem to be making you any happier

It's made easy when they piss off with another woman, I havent a choice! I feel for the crossroads you are at x

pony well I won't force myself to stick it out a month if the FWery comes back before then with gusto! And in fact I'm giving myself at least 6 months before commiting myself back to the relationship because that is how long the lease is for so in theory I can walk out at any point over those 6 months at the drop of a hat as I'll have somewhere ready and waiting

colin i thought I was sorted when I read the texts but the b***d wont admit to it

bounty, no FW does not have DS2 overnight, for the very fact that I don't trust him to cope. He used to lose it at DS1 for waking up once in the night very occasionally with nightmares. His job was too important to get woken up in the night, dontcha know. No way he could cope with getting up to DS2 multiple times without shouting/getting aggressive. So as much as it's hard, I'd rather it this way than the other alternative. (Plus, even if DS2 wasn't here, DS1 comes in and wakes me up anyway cos he's hungry... quick poll, is aged 7 too early for him to be trusted to pour milk himself?)

Colin you are not doing appallingly - it's been a whole month now. You've done so well to get to this point, there are always blips along the way. Sorry, my post probably wasn't helpful, I was just trying to put forward something ludicrous. Maybe these things that you miss but can't articulate could be discussed with your counsellor? They'll have the skill to help you identify better than my clumsy attempt.

tether could you do your own shitlist? And list all the days that things have been awful (I bet you remember more than you think, once you settle down to think back). If you see it in black and white, it might help. But your point about DS and healthy relationships is a really good one.

bounty mine still denied it when I caught him in the pub with her and was listed as in a relationship on FB! Deny deny deny.....

pony I guess you wouldn't get a good night sleep even if DS2 was with FW as you would be lying awake worrying! Not sure about 7 year olds as don't have one. Maybe a prepoured cup of milk in the fridge to help himself too?

oops terrible grammar - help himself to

Ah bounty-san, you may not have a 7-year-old, but you are still wiser than I am on the subject. That's a great idea, thanks! Going to try that next weekend...

Really must go to bed now, am so tired... night all.

Well done ladies it must b so hard in these situations. Anyone got any advice on how to help a friend who is in an emotionaly abusive relationship! Her bf has been verbally and emotionaly abusive or years, wearing er down but recentlynshe has made a few comments to me and ther friends that makes us think it may get physical (he's smashed things, broke a door she was behind, broke her phone, threatened her with a golf club....) she has told us. S he doesn't want to be with him but always has an excuse why she won't ask him to leave. Is there anything I can say or do to help her?

bounty I'm not particularly religious myself, but come from a 'good christian upbringing'. FW of course also went on about me breaking my vows by splitting up with him. TBH when someone said 'but hasn't he broken his vows by not cherishing you' it came as a total revelation.

catherine well done for not giving up on your friend! I always worry that those of us that put up with all this cr@p must come across as a bit pathetic. I'd say the main thing is not to bad mouth her bf too much, if you do that she'll spring to his defence and the conversation will go all wrong. God I'm stuck now for what you can actually say to encourage it! Will ponder...

pony Reckon 7 year old could pour own milk from a 1 pint, possibly 2 pint container. Any bigger and you're flirting with disaster...

Hey catherine
just be there for her if she wants to talk. it sounds like she's maybe letting it out to you little by little, to see how she feels about talking about it. But at the end of the day, no-one can change her situation but her. You can be there with support and encouragement though. Have a look at the links at the top of the thread, lots of resources she can access once she's ready - WA are fantastic.
If he's threatening her with gold clubs and breaking things then it's already physical. Assault is the fear of being harmed, the actual act itself is assault and battery. (I think, anyway...) So she's already been assaulted. It's so hard. I know I had friends in tears when i revealed the extent of the abuse, and yet I still stayed. I was brainwashed, in a way. I had to find my own way out. But my friends' support was invaluable in that.

Be there, listen to her. Encourage her to phone or email Women's Aid who are great at listening.

Practical help in making plans to leave. Is it her house or joint? Does she have her own bank account? and money? She may need help opening her own. Any children?

Leaving seems so daunting (see my struggles above) but if you can break it down into small steps it seems so much more achievable

Also she should see a solicitor for 30 mins free advice