Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Of course he is saying the code is because he can't trust me now as I have been snooping.

He said he had to text her to ask what one of the texts meant (written as an acronym) and that is why she knows now.

I don't know her, have her number or address or anything so can't speak to her.

My gut is still not happy (not literally!) with the answers so think I should def read something into this.

I'd be more angry if someone accused me (wrongly) of an affair.

I can see now that keeping going over these texts or even talking more to him about them is not going to achieve anything. He is never going to admit anything. I need to move on from this and focus more on our relationship. And this probable hoovering. How long can a nice phase last? It's so much harder to leave while he's not doing anything wrong.

Aaaaaaagghhh. This is so hard. What if I'm wrong. It was just an honest friendship. He has been cruel with his treatment of me in the past. But if he has changed and really changed then how can I deny DD a happy 2 parent childhood like the one that I had???

Sorry I know noone can answer those questions. Just emptying my head really.

fi I've always thought it odd that he has no real friends. Just general acquaintences really. whereas i don't have loads of friends but 2 from school and 3 or 4 from uni that I still keep in touch with from years ago.

butterfly never met her. She does not live near to us. FW was working away and they worked together for about 18 months I think. That contract finished a good year ago now. He supported her a lot through a redundency (I knew about that at the time) and at one point they were going to start a business together but it didn't work out. They have met quite often over the last year. Some times that I;ve known about. others that I haven't until I read the texts

Bounty - sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is truly horrible.

8 years ago I went through a similar thing with my h. I found out he had been texting a friend of mine. They were texting each other flirty messages. I never saw them to read myself. They arranged to meet up on a night out. They were apparently both with a group of people. He lied and betrayed my trust. He swears that nothing more went on. I will never know the truth. I kicked him out for a few weeks. He had changed her number in his phone to a mans name.
I was devastated. I lost my trust in him.

He is jealous, controlling, abusive to me and flirty with younger females.
I became so obsessed with needing to know everything it drove me mad. We moved away from the area shortly after. But we have moved away from all my friends.

I now feel very isolated. My boys are 23 and 18. Only youngest lives with us.

I am trying to find the strength to leave

bounty hope you're feeling better this morning.

bounty, I think you are right, going over the texts is not going to help. You either trust him or you don't. For what it is worth, I think he could have got a little caught up with her, without it being an affair, someone giving him attention, needing him, thinking about a joint business, that would be fun without there having to be physical intimacy involved. He sounds a bit socially inept, from the no real friends bit, so she may have turned his head, but not reciprocated, hence the backing off.

So, probably somewhere between an honest friendship and a full affair. But you are right, I think, that what matters is your relationship. Do you love him? Do you see yourselves as old and grey together? Do you think that trust can be rebuilt? Do you think he values you as an equal? And probably most importantly, are you able to forgive his past treatment of you or are you still thinking with part of your brain, it will happen again?

There is no easy answer and I think it may be a matter of time. Give yourself a month or two, see how you feel, you have a little bit of time, don't you?

This: He said he had to text her to ask what one of the texts meant (written as an acronym) and that is why she knows now

Does it make sense Bounty? She knows because he asked her what an acronym meant?

Sending you lots of strength to do what you need to do FFF xx

Feel free to keep "emptying your head" as you said. I found that it really helped me to go back and reread my previous posts. Look at them as if it was someone else writing them - what's your first reaction to what is said? I was really surprised at reading some of my earlier posts as I was thinking "how didn't I see this for what it was?" and it's just reinforcing to me that I did the right thing. (and believe me, I need to constantly reassure myself of this right now)

You wouldn't believe the amount of clearing out and cleaning up I've done this morning. It's highly therapeutic. And my friend has offered to come over and help me paint in the house, as it's sadly in need of fresh paint. Honestly don't know what I'd do without her, she's been so supportive.

Bounty I'm sorry the conversation didn't resolve everything for you. Reading it, I think it's plausible that she backed off but I would be wondering why your dh didn't. He's the one who should be putting your feelings first, not a stranger.

The other point that strikes me is that he still won't let you see his phone. That is the obvious way to rebuild trust but rather than doing that, he is creating a barrier and uncertainty. Yes, you are entitled to privacy but not at the expense of your partner's peace of mind.

None of us know whether he has changed or not, but you are in a strong place because at least you're aware of the possibility of hoovering, and you're listening to your instincts.

It must be so frustrating to think you'll never get a concrete answer about what the texts meant and represented, but as butterfly says what matters is if you love him and can see a happy future with him.

Alice you sound so positive. Happy cleaning and clearing out

Hi Ladies
Been following/lurking for quite some time but wanted to say hello and hugs to all you brave souls. I am.struggling in EA marriage. Trying to leave. Like Bounty and Charlotte my oh is being nice..We have talked 3 times now. He thinks i am not trying, says I need antdepressants. I am going to see GP again and think maybe I do need them but want counselling. I havent confided in GP that this is EA. Is it wise to do so. Thought it would be. Any thoughts on this?

H rang and arranged a time this morning to pick up some of his stuff. He has now been and gone again. It was actually quite civilised and comfortable. We were both pleasant and reasonable, and he got to spend a bit of time with DCs. He's stopping by again later in the week to pick up some more stuff, and we've agreed on a routine for me to bring the DCs to MIL's for him to see them once a week. We talked a bit about the split and agreed that it's for the best and that it's really what is best for the DCs as well. So fingers crossed we can navigate things relatively smoothly at this point.

Winnie I am feeling much more positive today. First that dealings with H went smoothly, and that the DCs have been relaxed and happy this morning. I've done quite a bit of cleaning, and I'm looking forward to doing some more this evening after the DCs have gone to bed.

IEM3 welcome to the board, although obviously sorry to hear you are struggling. Yes, I think it IS a good idea to tell your GP. I told mine a few months ago, and the relief that I'd told someone was HUGE. And then insist you need counselling as well.

welcome IEM sorry to hear about your marriage. Yes do let your GP know, but do ask whether they have experience of ea, as invalidating your concerns is very damaging to your recovery from it. It is worth finding the right GP to confide in, that will be very supportive of your situation, and not just tell you its the usual ups and downs rubbish

I hope everything continues so smoothly for your split Alice. Keepyour boundaries firm so that you actually can properly separate from him, remember why it had to be this way.

Alice thanks for the welcome and advice. So glad you have had success today and you can now relax and enjoy your day with dcs. Well done.

IEM - hi

I saw my gp for anxiety and panic attacks. I was referred for cbt and put on anti dep. I didn't tell him about my husband tho. I just said I was stressed. I did tell my therapist. And she said it was my relationship causing the anxiety. I didn't want to believe it at the time but I now accept that she was right.

Good luck to you with you appointment.

Alice - well done on getting through this awful time for you.

My h is working at home today. He has already got annoyed with me because I didn't want sex this morning! Oh joy

Hey IEM3 - any outside help that you could bring in to help you in an EA situation is always a benefit. Tell your GP.

FFF - re the h annoyance re sex. Sounds sooooooo familiar.

How are you this morning bounty? I think what everyone else has already said is right. The texts are a red herring in the sense of it not making a difference to your relationship, but the fact he wont show you his phone is very telling (and not very 'in the spirit' of his current niceness). What someone else said as well - it'll all be very nice as long as you don't bring up anything he doesn't want to talk about. Although he was, on the face of it, calm and reasonable during the discussion, he was accusing you of being the bad one because you 'snooped', and making you feel bad with his 'you got what you wanted' comment. It's still EA, just a different tactic than the more overt criticisms you've been used to. That's what I found with my FW - he claimed to have 'changed', claimed I couldn't see it, yet was still being EA but just was using different ways, so he was different but not fundamentally changed. Your FW will not change long term. He is already showing you that through the discussion last night. He thinks he is being very clever and being more subtle in his undermining and control of you, but you have us here to help you de-fog. Am so glad that you've got somewhere to go.

Hi to all for the welcome and kind responses. I hope I have picked the right GP. Will ded tell him and insist on counselling. Will keep you posted. Hugs to all.

Alice it's great to hear your feeling positive. If your in a cleaning mood feel free to pop round tea and cake will be given.

I did have more to add but I've had a horrible weekend with a very poorly DD so I'm functioning on fizzy pop hope everyone has had very uneventful bank hols and FW have behaved

NotSoNervous so sorry to hear your DD is poorly. Hope she's better soon. And you must have more than fizzy pop - I know as I've done the same when one of the DCs was ill. You don't want to get ill yourself from exhaustion do you? [stern emoticon]

bounty I'm sorry to read your update regarding the conversation, all part of the FW service eh?

alice hope you enjoyed the spring clean

Welcome to IEM

NSN sorry you have had a horrible weekend and hope DD gets better

I have been out and about this weekend with my friends trying to get my mind off FW but it's been a month since I saw him and OW and it's still really painful. He texted in the week some vile things and that he was moving in with her. Despite all that, I'm willing his return to me eventually and have decided that on the off chance he does come back, I would get back together with him. But that's clearly not going to happen as he's happy with his new girlfriend and despises me for reasons I do not understand.

To all of you still with your FWs, Tuesday tomorrow...these bank hols aren't a gift sometimes

NotSo - hope your DD feels better, and you manage something substantial to eat. You need to look after yourself so you can look after her.

Colin - it will still be painful. I still have feelings for FW, despite everything. I do think that his vile texts are timed to perfection to put him back in your mind. Have you looked at links for traumatic bonding or anything like that? Or looked into counselling? Whether or not he would come back to you is not the issue here. He would only come back if he thought things would be like before - ie him demanding money and you giving it, him ordering you about, controlling you to the nth degree to make you follow him to toilet etc. You can't allow yourself to still be willing to be treated like this. You must make sure that you are not still willing to be treated like this, that you have done something about boosting your low self-esteem to the point that can believe you deserve better and that he will never, ever be someone who can make you happy. Hugs to you.

Colin - what pony said.

NotSo - me too with the poorly LO. It's a killer, isn't it? Especially if you're not used to having your sleep disrupted these days! I've had 4 very interrupted nights now, but at least FW is ramping up the niceness - I had the longest lie-in I've ever had this morning!

IEM - good luck with the GP.

Fff - the isolation is horrible. As is the erosion of trust. Have you kept in touch with your old friends? Would you go back if you left?

Just had to go to DD3 who'd woken up crying in pain again. It's going to be another bad night by the look of it. Am going to storm assertively into the GPs tomorrow morning!!

bounty - I think you're examining one tree in a wood full of FWery. Don't let him tell you how to think about your marriage.

Back to DD3...

She's settled again for the moment. Poor girl. She has spent 4 nights now in bed with me crying loudly from pain in her ear. Poor me, too!

I'm feeling wobbly, probably partly from exhaustion and partly because FW seems to be wanting to talk and I am avoiding desperately! There's load of conversation going on in our families too (have had a reassuring email from his parents, btw, re the sister's email), and I just want it all to go away!

pony I know you're right. I've read about the trauma bonding and it really does ring true going to try and see my counsellor this week.

The fact is, I am still willing to be treat as I was. I'm much more miserable than I ever was with him. I've money in the bank. I've enjoyed seeing my friends more, including some that were challenging to see when we were together. I've not watched anyone on the toilet. Yet I'm desperately unhappy and definitely prefer being with him to not being with him.

Me too with the poorly. DS2, again. Green gunk coming out of nose, and now eyes as well. Conjunctivitis? I swear, he hasn't been properly healthy since December, and he eats more fruit and veg than me and DS1 put together. DS1 ate a diet almost solely of chicken nuggets and smiley faces between the age of 1 and 4 (through refusal of most other things), and has never had anything other than a mild cold. Go figure.

Thankfully, I have not been allowed to get used to a full night's sleep for some months now so am now quite used to being a walking, talking zommer. Some nights the wakings have been into the teens. Saturday night was every hour through the night... DS1 asked me today how I could possibly fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day with the noise of the TV and DS2 playing and intermittently poking me with cars!!! Not hard at all, believe me. I have fallen asleep face down on the living room floor before now.

Anyway, self-indulgent waffling over!