Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi everyone and thank you so much for your words of strength and encouragement.

I have cried all day and couldn't even pull myself together in front of DS. I just couldn't stop the tears. H has needed to decorate the bedroom in the house he is moving into. (We own it and a tenant has just moved out). I think it's a bit of a stalling excuse aswell. He has organised cleaners to go in tomorrow so that he can move in Monday or Tuesday.
He has been quite mean telling me that he resents me and its my fault and then when he has seen me upset he has asked what's wrong????
I said that its such a sad situation. But it's the right decision.
He has been a little better this evening.

I have told him that I am going to stay at my friends for a few days to help with visiting our poorly friend in hospital. I will go tomorrow so when I get back he should have gone.

It's harder because he is here. I think.

I keep having these terrible moments like a wave of sadness and emptiness washing over me. It's hard to describe. It's grief I suppose.

Colin - that's a great name by the way. Xx

very so sorry to hear about your worries about your lovely ds. Mine would be like this sometimes, but he would always come round and don?t forget, you?ve chosen the right road, bumps along the way will be balanced out by your ds?s advantages in living with sweet reason instead of fwittery. Xxx

pony what a lovely surprise, that sounds wonderful! Happy birthday, lovey xxx

fi I hope you are ok? I?m thinking of you.

Bounty oh my word ? or rather, oh the fws? words ? I have had the exact same ones ? ?you?re really hovering your food atm, aren?t you? Just being helpful?, ?Well what I think counts for nothing anyway?, playing bonfires all day and undermining bed times for dcs. Argh, support and strength to you. If only we were sharing the same fw as it seems at times, at least then we?d have 50% less of him each!

*ColinButterly? what a lovely new name . My fw used to sleep a lot but now it?s me (ahem) but I do have the excuse of a chronic illness that creates constant fatigue ? so the fw supportively rips the piss out of me for my ?constant napping? (even though I work, run a business and do nearly everything in the house while he plays bonfires and he-man in the garden and then moans how tired he is)

bounty nothing wrong with (3) either ? did he respect the ten years together with supportive, mutually respectful treatment of you? I agree with charlotte re the last minute scuppering if you give fw any warning at all.

FFF strength and support to you. Grief for losing our dreams and hopes is normal because we?re decent, normal people. But the fws aren?t and what we?re really losing is cruelty, mind control and head-fucks!

bounty I'd opt for number 3.

Something I've noticed recently. We all tend to play by the rules, even to our detriment. We go out of our way to be "fair" to our partners, even if they are being horribly unfair to us.

Why is that? To some extent, I suppose, because we are all relatively decent people who like to be fair (and to be treated fairly) so we make the effort, even with people who don't appreciate the effort (or even take advantage of it). Also because we don't want to become the FW. Ever. And I think that's a big part of it as well.

But there's a huge difference between "becoming the FW" and simply putting ourselves (and our dcs) first. If it is easier/less stressful for you to just go during the week, there's no reason not to. Yes, he'll be annoyed, but let's be honest - he'll be annoyed no matter what you do, won't he?

You're free to choose whichever option you're happy with - and I would never judge you for any of them. But don't be afraid to do what suits you better rather than what is considered "fair" to your FW. When was the last time HE considered what was fair to you?

Excellent point, Alice, he is not even considering what is fair to dc ( enough sleep)

x-posted with you Pony ooops!

how great to really be there this time and knowing you deserve it! what lovely family and friends to want to make you feel special, and without him in your life you do ... so happy for you... Vixens Wednesday (is it?).

Bounty I'm hoping the best for you, and thinking of you .... waiting some good news that you are FW free this week. xx

Hey Breathe... upset, ratttled, turning to action at the behest of the police who are telling me to act civilly (not pleasantly!) and I don't know what to do, so shall be stepping into the dark this week to find a route through that. Have started said ball rollling just now

yes, FFF I would recognise that as huge grief, the loss, of letting all this that you have been carrying for so long, goooooo.... and breeeethe... it will pass, let it all come out until it stops, when its done. Its very like the death process, you know, going through the stages, of the death of a relationship (whatever kind of losely termed 'relationship' that may have been, and more conflicted because of the abuse). Soothing (((hugs))) to you for the early days ahead.

Beautiful name Colin - noticed your twirl, and loving hearing of the new style your life has taken on! .

yes Alice it was a lightbulb moment for me realising that 'rules' change according to the game being played! I stuck doggedly to my 'nice rules', but the reality is that noone says please and thank you in war time! I was still trying to be 'naice', felt an obligation to answer his every comment to me, email enquiry, keep him up to speed with DD, bend over backwards, etc.. etc.. bloody etcetera... Once the light went on... it all stoppped... phew!

Bounty I think its important to know for yourself, that you owe him nothing. he has a debt to you, on the other hand, that he will never repay.

love to all xx

not read all the posts but pony about your surprise. how lovely.

bounty haha re typos. yes Bernard often takes a rather final view on situations.

Colin love your transformation.
my FW x turned up yesterday to see dcs for his few hours a week but Saudi he could not keep the long as he needed a nap. I stud what wax said what was wrong with sleeping last night? he said do you want me to send them outside while I have a sleep? i said ok 4. FW: 3. me: i won't be back then. FW:I will leave them in the garden til you get back then.
!!
me: i will see you at 4.

as it happens he forgot he had something on with his exw previous victim and had to take them so turned up just after 4.
aw duddums no nap for the grown up toddler
he used to sneak upstairs all the time when he was here if i was busy.

another Bernard favourite Saudi. said. i noticed he was also up for stud waxing so left that in. ifhe wants to wax studs let him i say.

off to reread email i just sent to work to see what he sneaked in there.

winnie boo. but at least you had already braced
yourself for it.
(food was the subject about which FW was most abusive. that and the dcs. oddly i still feed him but just because he is a useful food disposal system as i still overcook)

bounty i think 2 but would not rule out 3.
a d i am with hissweetpea i would just have said, oh yes you must get your sleep. off you fuck

fff don't mistake your grief for wanting him back. you are greaving because he was never the man he should have been. for your marriage. and because damn it, it is not bloody fair. you should never have had to make that choice.

and bounty remember Lundy says to FW relationship is war. so nothing wrong with an ambush.

speaking of Lundy there is one bit i amfinding very hard going the benefits of abuse, i did know that he stropped to make it difficult to as him to do things e.g. i asked him to take kids to school 2 date per week he said none and i argued him back up to 1 but i had to get them ready first so a lot of arguing to get him to give an inch. but i always thought there was some cost to them but maybe not. maybe for them abuse is a win win win and win again.

heghog re: Bernard! [stern look] [waxing studs!]

sleep - just another way of leading a totally separate FW life! Totally out of sync with anyone other than self, which was a good thing in the end an absolute blessing and godsend

Lundy says they get everything they want from a relationship without having to put in any effort but i think maybe in order not to be really about it all I may have to believe that FW was not entirely happy to see me and so often or to know that a lot of the time i found it hard to love him or with all the arguing. i think he wanted to do the right thing but could not be arsed rather than being determined to win at any cost. obviously he never felt as sorry for me as for himself but i think that he suffers a lot of internal conflict. otherwise my head us wrecked and fir him this has all been great

sorry for multiple posts. Bernard is difficult to control if the posts get long!!

maybe for them abuse is a win win win and win again.

i think what i was getting at is I would rather pity him for a fool who no matter what he has wants more then believe that he is someone who gets exactly what he wants at the expense of the misery of others and for him three is no consequence and when he one victim susses him out he just moves on to the next whistling a happy tune as he goes.

FW!!!!

this is for me i need this to heal not for him.

I don't think that FWexH was happy to see me sad either, but he was not able to step out of his way of thinking to help make it better. His way of making it better would have been for me to go back to doing things his way (which he expressed by saying I had changed). Whereas trying to make him happy was making me physically ill, so I could not do it. We could not resolve that one, it was the immoveable mountain.

i don't know if that makes him a fool, it certaintly made him controlling, whether he meant to be or it was a result of his own quite controlled nature, I don't know.

I doubt that this involves whistling a happy tune, though, at least speaking for my FWexH, I think there is a deep insecurity and unhappiness. One of the first things he said when I said I wanted to split was that he should never have trusted me. I thought that was quite revealing - it took a month for him to get to what can I do to make it better.

Anyway, I am not sure there is a right or a wrong answer and I don't think they know either. But maybe that is me still trying to be nice.

maybe for them abuse is a win win and win again yyy to that!

it makes the difference between normal and abusive. That being abusive doesn't actually cause them any costs atall! That thought is very scarey.

it is scary and it makes me sad fi. FW suffers consequences of his behaviour at work and outside the home (he is quite ASP so tends to get into trouble) but his abuse has few consequences while he is still attractive/charming enough to move on to get his needs met.

although underneath it all i think he knows he is never truly loved because what he does is not lovable.

but if being an abuser is all win then there is not only no incentive for them not to do it there is very good incentive for all persons who can find a power differential to exploit to use that against others to get their needs met.

just the thought makes me feel very sick.

the only consequence is the law and as he never did anything to me that could get him arrested there is no punishment.

he only has and situation in which he must control himself and that is his daughter- she decided not to put up with it. but he needs her (for reasons i cannot explain here) and so having tried and failed to get his own way for 2 years he is now having to suck it up and behave.

See I think exFW was happy to see me sad but only when he was the cause. He generally got cross with me for being negative if I dared to be upset about something that you would reasonably be sad about.

He feels he has won and is whistling a happy tune because he will be happy labouring under the misapprehension that I am suicidal over his exit and OW because his desire to control and make me miserable is his reason d'etre. I think and he's never happier than when he thinks everyone is after him so while he thinks I still love him, he's okay.

Well FW, I've got news for you I'm unable to concentrate on work thanks to the thought of what I got up to on Saturday night with another man so ner ner ner. I'm just mildly pissed off that I have to replenish all the lingerie and stuff that I already had that you'll have binned.

I definitely don't want FW back. It's a fine feeling!

yay Colin. and glad you found someone to cleanse your mind of FW. i think you are right that your FW id actually quite sadistic as he is clearly a player and seeing himself as irresistible is part of his buzz.

Someday fingers crossed so will I. I don't think I will ever really feel better until i can convince myself that some men are just nice with no agenda. it has damaged my faith in human nature.

i wish i had got Lundy to read during my counseling rather then now it has finished. it is a lot to process.
it is more aimed at getting out of a bad rs and I can see that if I were undecided it would be ideal.

but having already made my mind up and dtd and with no chance if going back it us acting more as an annihilation of the last 7 years of my life. I have been had for a fool by a nasty self serving FW who my kids are now stuck with for a father. I am not sure that reading Lundy is not doing more to destroy my self esteem than FW ever did. not got to the end yet-please tell me there is something positive in there to fix yourself once you have accepted you have been conned.

so apologies for taking up half the thread.

heg You really will get there. I don't know if this fella I met is nice with no agenda, but for now, I'm just allowing myself to HEAR HIS COMPLIMENTS and allow them to undo some of FWs damage, all with an eye out for any red flags.

FW did attempt to damage my faith in human nature as I really feel he's shown me the worst of human kind, but really, when I think about it, when I count the support from everyone on here, my family and friends, the hours spent listening to me upset, the cups of tea, the glasses of wine, the texts, the hugs, the reassuring words, the sheer number of people who have kept me going, it's actually pretty overwhelming how how kind people can be. I've gotten to the stage where any time someone is nice, I think to myself 'wow, people are nice afterall' so that I consciously measure it. That includes you here, my hairdresser, the people in the tattoo shop I went to, people from work, friends...and it's happening a lot.

It is a lot to process heg. It's heartbreaking when you realise what another person who you love is capable of doing, it is a real assault on your identity/sense of self and hopes for the future. But I think when you have finished grieving you will actually feel stronger because you survived it. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. You've seen my low points on here, but I now have to laugh when I think of that message FW sent about me being 'stuck in my victimhood'...no pal, I'm a survivor, that is quite different.

I have not been on for ages - sorry to hear so many of you are still having such a bad time colin I am pleased you have the feeling of not wanting him back.
Your post regarding a lack of consequences is what is really getting to me. I feel I lost, lost and now I am loosing again. It is all about his needs and my responsibilities.
The advice regarding having to go through a traumatic expereince is to move forward and create a new life and be positive - YET I am having to relive it and relive it and have what had become a happier life, turned upside down as he wants his needs met again.
The distress being caused to my DS is heartbreaking in itself. Him having government money to control me and create distress for me, I feel is just distguisting, especially after all these years not being around or having done nothing for an 8 year old DS.
Sorry this turned into a massive rant. Feel low today.