Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hope you feel better soon Alice - I know what you mean, you want someone around to help/give you a hug, and even thought you know EH wouldn't give either of those things (and in fact would just make you feel worse). I think I remember when they used to do those things sometimes and focus on that.

Off out for the day, catch up with you all later. Hope you have a FW-free day in the sunshine.

How do I look? Thought I should try a positive moniker to reflect my new mood.

nini good work on the shitlist. It sounds horrendous, I have to say writing it down like that is good for seeing the whole picture - we get so busy firefighting it is difficult to see everything for what it is. Even now, things are coming back to me that I'd repressed, something sparks a memory or I read your shitlists or rants about FWs and I recognise mine - that's what I think is so beneficial about this thread to learn things that are normal and what is not. Good luck.

heg I wish I could claim credit for word salad, it's from a narc abuse book that describes FWs as talking in word salad so you come away unsure of what the conversation was about. So true!

alice hope you feel better soon. Just think one day you'll meet someone who will look after you when ill not a demanding FW and someone to look after you generally.

FFF hope the boohoos have been cathartic and you feel better soon.

charlotte glad you are moving forward to and can see the benefit of no FW.

chaos I know that's a tough revelation but you are not trapped now that you see it. You deserve joy, everyone does.

pony ah a whole new chapter of 40 - it's exciting! All good!

My fab mood continues. I went out for dinner with my friend last night - she is only in the country once a year and every year FW used to create when she was over - tried to forbid me from seeing her, threaten to see other girls if I saw her etc and when I defied him, got nasty. It was lovely to see her and enjoy it properly. I then went on a date. Oh my god. I'm not sure if I'll see him again or what kind of bloke he is (I'm a bit wary), but bloody hell - there was more actual human being intimacy in those few hours with someone I barely knew than there had been with FW - handholding in between pubs and kissing, feigning interest when I was being an auntie-bore.

Love to all

Oh my, it is all happening here. Wow, sounds fab, Colin, date and name change. I am sure you are a gorgeous butterfly and you sound so much more positive.
Ditto heg, glad you are feeling better too.

pony, one day at a time, and by next weekend, you will have a weight off your shoulders that you got through it. Are you doing anything for your birthday? My similarly significant one was earlier this year and it was a bit of an internal marker that I knew I wanted to be out by. Problem was it then meant I was at the beginning of the fallout, so missed my chance for a big birthday bash. That said, it was partly the thought of the pretence required to have that bash that made me realise I needed to be out! So, anyway, I hope you are doing something nice for you; otherwise there definitely needs to be a champagne picnic in the garden of the Vixens on Wednesday or elsewhere at some point.

FFF hugs, it sounds like you have had a horrendous time, I do hope he goes and gives you some space.

nini, that is some shitlist. I wish you strength to find a better place. I haven't done shitlist, but reading everyone there are things which chime. It is the thing, you could maybe cope with one or two of those behaviours, but not all of them.

Charlotte, yy to being invisible on social occasions. With FWexH here, it was more like an Alpha male need to dominate the conversation. All the time. Partly a professional thing, male colleagues do it, but equally, you would think he could switch it off out of work. Exhausting. Glad you enjoyed the BBQ.

chaos, lack of joy , I am sorry I am not up to speed with you story, but is there no way to find a happier place?

Hugs and strength to everyone else. This thread is a great place and I am very grateful for your comments and support, however much I also wish none of you were here, iyswim.

It is calm here, a contact free weekend, lovely day out with dcs and lots to do to get the house and garden the way I want it. Feel like I am dipping my toe into another life, but dare not hope too much that I can have it. Several hurdles still to cross.

I know I am a newbie but would like to say thanks for your positive help. Real lifers in the know just tend to want to have it out with FW which doesn't help. So thanks and hope you have a FW free day.

colin and sweet wonderful to read such lovely positive posts.

Today has been a shocker. P arrived as arranged to take DS out for the day. To my utter amazement he suggested we go for a drink one eve to talk. WTF? He just left, we've told DS, surely the ship of our relationship has sailed.

He said all the things I've wanted to hear for so very long. He said I rushed him to leave (I guess I did, but I thought he was sure he wanted to go). He said he was so angry that he couldn't see clearly and that now he is missing everything. He made out he was never sure.

I said it was surely too late. That I have had time to think and that he doesn't seem able to show me the consideration that I need, to love me like I want to be loved. He cried, I cried, we left it unfinished because I don't want to discuss this where DS could overhear.

A huge part of me wants him back, but a brand new strange part of me feels it would be a mistake.

DS broke my heart when they left for their day out. He begged me to go with them. When I explained that I couldn't go, he refused to look at me or talk to me. As they drove off he craned his body so it was turned away. He's so angry with me, and feels I've rejected him. It's awful.

I feel like I'm in the middle of an awful nightmare. Just when I start treading water, something pushes me under again.

Hello Very. My heart just broke for you and your boy. don't worry, just give him love anyway. He'll come round. Is there any chance your ex may be mindmessing? I would maybe say not yet. xx

very he will inevitably get round to saying you were with to blame fault on with sudrs uf only you were nicer to each other etc.

unless he fully admits to his abuse and agrees to treatment, he will not change and your life will not get better..

and dvdn if he dies do treatment you don't have to live either him though it.

sorry your son is finding it tough. mine asked me to come too to start with but now they enjoy having two patents who take them places. more days out and no arguing all day.

i am on hammock in garden just now enjoying the peace. usually get on with things when dcs are out but today thought i would treat myself to some downtime.

fff sending you strength. It's such a big step but your dcs reaction speaks volumes. Let yourself cry and grieve, but remember to protect yourself and your feelings from FW.

colin I'm loving your new name and your attitude.

pony that's such a lot for one week. Try to take it one day at a time and maybe arrange some treat for next week so you can see a way through all the emotions of this one.

nini and heg yy to your lists. heg nsdh has locked me out on occasion too. And twice on different holidays, he locked me out of the hotel room, knowing I didn't have any money or anywhere else to go. I had to sit in the corridor, knocking on the door at intervals until he eventually deigned to let me in

And nini the competitive studying sounds so familiar too. Although in my case it wasn't studying but I have a creative career and had always said that I would finish my 'masterpiece' whilst SAHM. Of course, nsdh immediately started an extremely similar project and the time I had scheduled for my work became the time where I had to support him in his. It also meant whenever someone asked me how my project was going, he could jump in to say he was doing something similar. FW!

However he's actually been nice the last few days (hoovering anyone?!). He noticed when I was stressing about something to do with dc and has actually completed 3 household tasks over the course of the week

Hello all - Colin loving you new name (and the new dating action!).

very I know just how much you want everything to be ok. Let him take the lead on this. If he wants to show you he can be different, he will do. Give yourself some space, and give him some space to show himself to you.

Woops, pressed something without meaning to there, posted too soon.

I have just had the weirdest yet the most brilliant day. I thought my DM and DSis were taking me out for a pre-birthday high tea somewhere - got my hair done all fancy (oooooh, curls!!) and got a new dress. Turned up at my sister's house, only to find out it was a surprise party for me, and lots of family and friends were there! I genuinely had not a clue! I was a stuttering wreck for about 10 minutes. And my mum and sis had gone to so much trouble - there was two boards of old photos of me (cringe), a lovely cake, balloons, a buffet, and best of all it was a lovely sunny day so we all sat outside drinking pink fizz! Am still a bit overwhelmed by it all, but feel so very blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family in my life who care about me.

In a way, this is what my hen party should have been like - it was something similar, at my sister's house again, a lot of the same people were there. But what I chiefly felt was ashamed and unworthy of all the effort. This is what my wedding days should have been like. Full of fun, and feeling blessed by the presence of family and friends. But neither my hen party or my wedding day were days that I remember feeling 'happy'. I felt like a fraud on both days. I felt like I was deceiving my family and friends who thought I was so happy, but although I looked it I wasn't.
But enough of him! Had a great day today. Tomorrow, am going to get on with packing up my house - looking on the positive side, I'll be getting back lots of things of mine that I haven't had for over a year now. I will get through this week, by hook or by crook or by bottle.

just popping by to send encouraging to all for better times ahead

Sorry not been around to post much, and now too tired do more than just a fly by... hectic week next week too.. but have to sleep to get through.. loves to all xxxx

pony what a lovely day. Just what you need and deserve. You enjoy being spoilt for a while. And happy birthday

very that sounds so very very hard. My FW was similar. I was geared up to leave but didn't get that far and we were both crying. I definitely regretted not sticking to my guns and going (more of that in a bit!!!!) Basically he has been lovely and the H of my dreams for 3 weeks, but this weekend the mask has slipped. I guess what I'm saying is don;t take him back too soon, however tempting it is. He needs to demonstrate over a several months if he has changed. It would be even more confusing for DS to get back together only to split up again later in the year.

colin great new name and attitude

heg seems like Bernard is back I do love your typos though. The best one tonight is and dvdn if he dies do treatment I presume even if he does.... but sometimes dies is so tempting.

winnie sounds like hoovering to me. And the classic he is being so nice but when you think about it 3 household tasks in a weeks is still less than what most normal husbands would do. It just feels nice.

So back to the weekend with me:

I was considering bringin up a known contentious issue to test whether FW really had changed. Not necessary, although he was pleasant some of the time, the old 'you're no good at controlling DD', 'you're hoovering your dinner', sulking when we disagreed over something until I backed down, stoney face when I even mentioned my parents has started to slip back in. I nearly laughed (if it wasn't so sad) but how is this for a FW classic conversation:

Me: I've bathed DD early so she can go to bed a little early tonight seeing as it's Monday and an early start tomorrow.
FW: annoyed look on face
Me: Is that OK?
FW: Well what I think counts for nothing anyway
Me (thinking) : well you never want to bath her normally so cannot believe you really wanted to do it tonight.
Me (saying): Well I have to wake her up early tomorrow and as it's the start of the week I thought she would benefit from a good nights sleep
FW: well shall I drive back (to his weekday accomodation 2hrs away) now so that I can get a good nights sleep ready for Monday.
Me: That's not really necessary is it?
FW: Well I need a good nights sleep too, Why does DD get to go to bed early
Me: Well you're the adult here and anyway you need less sleep

He still managed to drag out tea for longer and then start playing with her at bedtime so that she was late to bed (just because he hasn't seen much of her all day as he's been playing at bonfires)

bounty you are right, it's almost funny. In a way, I'm glad he's slipping back without you having to test the waters, because now you can be sure that it's all his doing and not you pushing him on contentious issues. What he says there is just stunningly self-absorbed. The way everything is about him. And how he slickly moves it away from the issue to 'maybe I'll go now too, would you prefer that'.

Why does DD get to go to bed early?

Eh????? Amazing. Just unbelievable. Are you going to go next weekend, do you think, or wait for your keys? go! go! go!

Aww pony that sounds lovely, I'm glad you felt special, you deserve it.

bounty I cannot believe he does competitive tiredness with your daughter!

Anyone else's FW sleep ALL.THE.TIME? Mine did

Just weighing it up at the moment. I think I have 3 options:

1. tell him Fri night and then walk out and spend the weekend away from him (and DD but I guess I'll have to get used to that at times)
2. have the weekend with him and tell him Sun night just before he leaves - ie I'm moving out next week.
3. email him that I'll be gone during the week (probably the most tempting but does seem wrong to finish a 10 year marriage this way!)

I suspect I'll go with 2

pony respect to you for partying and MN simultaneously :)

colin My FW likes to spend lots of time in bed (esp in the mornings) but then complains constantly about being tired, not sleeping etc etc

FW: well shall I drive back (to his weekday accomodation 2hrs away) now so that I can get a good nights sleep ready for Monday.

bounty, re option 2, what time does he leave Monday morning? Would that be an option?

He goes on a sunday night. (hence I'm back on here!!!)

So the plan(ish) would be

• DD to bed
• Cup of tea
• I'm moving out conversation
• FW leaves for work

Harsh?

pony, how lovely! Very happy for you.

Oh and Colin - ace nc.

Sounds great to me, bounty. Would he leave...? Mine would call work, plead an emergency and aim to stay till he'd changed my mind.

Bounty I think (2) sounds the best. I'd be worried with (1) that he'd pretend you had abandoned your dd and try to use it to win some moral high ground. He'd know it wasn't true but he is a FW so I wouldn't want to risk it.

pony I'm so glad you had such a lovely day. Hurrah for friends and family

well nsdh has already become bored with trying to be nice. It's unfortunate because I was hoping he'd play nice till we worked out details but he's already rewriting what's happening and how he will be the victim and losing most if I leave him . Add to that, he called me names and complained about dinner (oddly he never usually complains about my cooking. It only struck me tonight that that is probably some kind of back-handed compliment). There was other bad behaviour but it's too identifying so all in all, back to his usual standards

Doesn't take them long does it winnie ?

charlotte - I don't think he'd do that. Work is far too important to him. This is the man who was in a 9am meeting when DD had been born by c-section at 2.30am that morning!

bounty.

Oh, that reminds me, the answer to the does/did FW sleep loads question is: only when there was parenting to be done. Work takes priority over sleep, sleep takes priority over family. Since family can be delegated (I'm always on call, it seems) and nobody can do what he does at work because he is Uniquely Amazing.

Uniquely Amazing. Yes that is def a FW characteristic. Being on here and reading Lundy really makes me laugh out loud. - FW thinks he is so unique and maverick, but is actually out of the same mold as every other FW the world over.