Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi FFF, keep going girl.

your doing well fff. just looked back on the comments and snorted hot choc at the beheading jelly men bit

i do agree that dispite the loneliness it is easier bringing up a baby alone. while it was a sad n poignant time last time, i bonded alot better with dd, all the time alone did some good. 21 weeks to go xx

You are bound to feel bad at the moment fff, be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing the right thing x

Thinking of you FFF. Cry all you need to, you might need a good cry. Being terribly upset doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing.

I hope you are with your friend having some TLC.

Just take today an hour at a time, concentrate on getting to bedtime in one piece. Baby steps.

Just wanted to come in with some hugs for FFF. It will all be okay xxx

I'm 6 weeks on from the dumping/discovering OW. I feel like a whole new person. I thought I was going to die, I wanted to die. I Still miss him but at the same time I am actually happy. Happy spending my money on me. Happy not being bullied. Happy not being insulted. Happy not being controlled. Happy indulging myself. Happy seeing my friends and family. Free to be myself. In the unlikely event of him switching the Hoover on again, I'm untouchable now. I remember you all telling me with fw gone I stood a chance of happiness and I thought you were wrong, it seemed impossible but you were right! Thank you

Love to all.

It's been almost 2 weeks here. I also feel loads better. I think the first week, I cried here and there not just because I had asked him to leave, but because I was so upset that the relationship (and my dreams of our future plans) had fallen apart.

EH is still being agreeable and not causing any problems. Hopefully it will continue to be this way.

FFF hang in there - it does get better. The spaghetti head clearing up alone will make a huge difference - when you're not feeling so mixed up and stressed, things seem much more positive.

Another one offering many hugs FFF. I hope being with friends gives you some comfort.

My shitlist, finally:

Financial

• His money is his and mine is mine. The fact that I earn less and have more outgoings is my problem. My debt is my problem alone even though my having it is largely his fault. Same goes for savings - he has some, I don't. His savings are for him alone.
• He keeps a tally of who pays for what (we have separate bank accounts). Under no circumstances will he treat me to anything without expecting me to repay it shortly after. This applies to food, petrol, days out etc. If I buy him a treat I am not allowed to do the same. If I treat DD to anything I am not allowed to expect him to contribute as it was my decision to buy it.
• He gets bonuses from work. Under no circumstances am I to expect him to spend any of it on the house, DD or me. If he chooses to do so, I have to praise him like he's God.
• He thinks being miserly (or 'good with money' as he puts it) is something I should praise him for.

Practical

• If he is leaving for work at the same time as me and DD (he drives, we walk), under no circumstances am I to ask him for a lift. If he chooses to offer one, I have to praise him like he's God again!
• Under no circumstances am I to expect him home at a specific time, or to ask to be picked up from work. He comes and goes as he pleases, picking up DD from nursery is my job.
• I am not allowed to ask him to take days off work to look after DD or to do the nursery run if I'm doing my studies. That is my problem to solve.
• Minimal housework will be done by him (lawn, bins) but the rest should be done by me. Complaints will be made if the house is messy.
• All DIY will be done by me. He will not lift a finger.
• If a job can be done by evil FIL, he will get him to do it and pay him for his shoddy work. I have no say in when it is done, how it is done, and cannot question how much he pays FIL.
• If I suggest that we need to get something done in the house, or make a start myself, he will immediately start getting quotes in for other 'more important' jobs that means I am unable to do the work I really wanted to do and any money is spent on what he wants done.
• If I'm busy doing something in the house, he is not to be expected to look after DD. He will immediately start doing something else which means I have to stop what I'm doing until he is done.

Personal

• He makes jokes at my expense and says 'it's only a joke' if I get upset.
• How he is viewed by others is more important than anything else and woe betide me if I bring up any negative things he's done to me in public.
• Anything and everything that relates to him is more important than anything connected to me e.g. my not buying him a birthday present in response to him not buying me anything for Mother's Day is much worse.
• His job is far more important than mine and despite us doing the same hours I should still shoulder the majority of housework and childcare.
• Under no circumstances am I allowed to criticise his family no matter what they do. He can say whatever he likes about anyone in my family, including to their faces.
• If he has tatty underwear or socks that is my failing.

Very Personal

• He can pester me for sex as much as he likes but if I complain that he's being pushy then I am the one with the problem.
• If I make too much noise during sex () he will tell me to keep quiet.
• Under no circumstances am I ever to get fat as he hates fat women.
• If he doesn't like how I'm dressed he will make endless comments.

DD

• He is parroting evil FIL - he is the 'good' parent and all discipline must come from me so it makes him look good.

Other

• As I am a hoarder, he is allowed to treat my belongings as he chooses (stepping on, throwing away).
• He can complain about my hoarding as much as he likes but will not give me any time to remedy it.
• He will not purchase any furniture (the whole wardrobe issue which was my very first postings here and prompted him hitting me last year), as I will 'only fill it up with rubbish'.
• If I don't ask for a present for certain occasions, he will buy nothing. If I ask for specific things, he will buy something else, or nothing.
• I HAVE to ask if I want something, be it lunch, a present, for him to take DD for a minute, a cup of tea. Otherwise he will ignore me like I'm a servant.
• If anyone ever asks me about my studying he will immediately jump in with 'I'm studying too' although he hasn't opened a book in months and months.
• He will make comments about how I'm 'pushing myself too hard' but never offer to take some of the load.
• If the neighbours are keeping us awake with parties, or someone outside is disturbing us etc, he will NOT say anything. I have to be the one to stand up for the family if I feel brave enough (I really don't understand this one!).
• If he chooses to go to bed, I must take my study notes downstairs so not to disturb him. I must creep into bed with no lights on and if I wake him he gets mad.
• I am not to go away for the weekend so he has to look after DD. A night out must be planned months in advance and him reminded constantly, which doesn't stop him from complaining when I do go out. He can go out whenever he wants.
• He can treat the cat however he likes.
• Constant gaslighting about how he behaved on multiple occasions.
• His opinion is the only right opinion.
• And if I'm not happy about anything, any of the above 'I can leave'.

These are things I've just written done while DD was asleep, off the top of my head. There are many, many more. And believe it or not, this is better than it was a year ago, or when I was pregnant. His behaviour was shocking then.

Sorry, that's a ridiculously long post.

nini that sounds like a miserable life :( But a great list to look back on if you ever waver further down the line

It is miserable bounty . Reading through it just now has given me extra bits to add! When written down like that it seems so much clearer, yet I still waver.

Wishing all readers a FW-free night tonight!

firstly fff i think you handled that very difficult situation brilliantly. your boys sound marvellous nd the fact they asked you up and did not try to talk you out of it speaks volumes about the fact that it is the right decision.

your h will try to nash and wail and grind his teeth about it whatever you do. and he will blame you. it is what defines abusers. they cannot accept responsibility and so they cannot change. why change when everyone else is wrong?

sorry you are feeling so anxious. after the scare hd gave you i am not surprised that standing up to him has left you worried but it will slowly abate.

if you can get some Roman chamomile from a herbalist. it really takes the edge off (more so than normal chamomile - to the extent it is probably a bedtime drink!).

now I am off to read nini's shitlist I may be sometime

personally i am feeling a lot better. nearly over my wobble for now at least. current situation is best for the kids so that is my positive. had nice night out with friends the other night and a good day at the beach today with friends and kids. and I have plans to move forwards- tidy, decorate, make New friends and(in addition not as replacements for my much loved current ones )

and inColin brilliant to see you have turned that corner and found that once the fog lifts it is a much sunnier day.

my forecast, the odd shower but mostly more sunshine to come for all us lovely ladies (and if it does rain we have this as our umbrella til the sun comes out again)

nini many, many hugs. That is one epic shitlist. That's a horrible way to live your life. Keep going with your plans. And to everyone else, all the new faces that I haven't properly caught up with yet. You are all going through it.

I have had a lovely day, in many ways. Me, DS1 and DS2 went to a local park for a picnic, lovely sunny day. But the whole time I was there, I kept thinking how much better it was without FW there.

When it was just me and DS1, I would long for someone else to share these kind of days with. But having experienced how it was with FW involved - anxiety, fear, worry, inevitably cut short (and my fault) if I was anything other than ship-shape - I am now just thinking about how grateful I am to have it just me and the kids. I wonder when I will stop thinking about that, when I will stop shaping every day in terms of how much better it is than if FW were with us. When will I just enjoy what I have?

But then, it's all part of the process. I know I will get there. Just like you are getting there Colin . (Proud of you, btw, it's not been easy for you I know.)

I have to recognise that for me, this week is a difficult one. Monday I go back into the house I haven't been allowed in for over six months, to pack my stuff. Tuesday a van comes to remove all my furniture from the house. Wednesday is my 40th birthday. Thursday I have to do 'family birthday pizza night'. afix rictus grin to face for eve Friday the sale of the house I bought with FW, which should have been our forever home, goes through. So I know I'm feeling it. This time next week, things will be different in a lot of ways - I'll be over 40, I'll not be a homeowner any more, I'll be that much more separated from FW.

So why am I enjoying the fact that he is being over nice in his texts at the moment and can't seem to do enough to help me? Gah!!!!!

Thank you so much for your support. It means so much.

I have had a very difficult day.
My sick friend is much worse and back in hospital so I went to visit her. These are my close friends and we support each other but she has been so poorly I didn't want to burden them all with my situation so I haven't told them.
My h knew I would be out most of the day so I assumed that he would move out then. But he didn't. He was still here when I got home.
So again I had to broach the subject of him moving out. This is what is so hard to deal with.
He is being mean. His face is contorted when he speaks to me. He has told me that he resents me. I'm taking the piss...... I am still calm though. I have just said I don't want to fight I just need some space and peace.
He said he needs to decorate the room he is moving in to. So it will be Monday or Tuesday but he will stay out of my face. (His words)

I have cried all the time I am on my own.

I know I'm doing the right thing. But god it's hard. And very scary.
Please keep supporting me. You all understand.
I'm so tired. Feeling emotional.

Hello all. I hope today has been lovely. Nini , I've just read your list. What a motivational tool! Went to the fete, and felt sick at seeing him playing Mr Perfect, so I lost ky cool. Now of course the muttered swearing, subtle digs and the favourite " closing all doors so that wherever I am I'm isolated and switching off the radio I'm listening to" All little stupid things, but pointed.

Colin, it's brilliant to hear you sounding so strong. You are moving forward to a brighter future!

Nini, that is quite some list. It sounds a rotten life. I am looking forward to seeing how much happier and relaxed you are when you get away from him. Hope you can draw some strength from that list when you're wavering.

pony, that's a tough week you've got ahead of you. I'm sure it makes it slightly easier that FW is not making things more difficult, iyswim!

I have also had a lovely day and compared it to similar days with FW around. It is so much easier. Even a BBQ at friends' house - why is that easier without him? Thinking about it (and a recent conversation with a friend), it's struck me how he always acted as though I wasn't there. Maybe claimed later that he hoped for a secret smile across the room/garden, but never reached out for me, included me in conversation or even looked at me tbh. It's hitting me anew how wrong that is. No wonder I felt insecure, exposed, socially inept. Today I was relaxed; and I had a surprisingly good time.

Yay. :)

Hi FFF! Keep going, I'm hoping you're "Me" in a while, please don't give up. Let's face it, you're doing the worst bit now. in a few days it will have passed x

fff, let's hope he sticks to that (Mon or Tues sounds worryingly vague). You can keep out of his way for a few days, though; hold on and be strong! You are being fantastically strong, and it is very very difficult.

Catt, sorry to hear that. I get really irritated by the appearance of Mr Perfect, too.

FFF I wish he'd moved out too. If he were a decent person, he would realise you were upset and want to give you space. The fact he hasn't is calculated to distress you further, for a few more days. Detach, detach, detach. Hope you get through the weekend ok.

Charlotte it's amazing isn't it? Hurrah for nice days on our own - we can do it"!

nini you could try
'next time you are putting the bins out, i would be most grateful if you could put yourself out with them. thanks pet' or 'i really don't know what i would do without you....but i am really itching for chance to find out' all said sweetly whilst casually ripping the heads of jelly babies with a pair of scissors (saves you biting them if you don't like them).

no wonder he drags you down he sounds like a prize pain to be around to have to praise like god

Pony - life begins at 40!!!! You are doing great

Charlotte- thank you. I know he us stalling. I won't change my mind. I have told the boys now and that took a lot to do.

Catt- thank you. I think there is worse to come. I know my h. He will not let me go easily.

Heghog thankyou your post brought tears. You are so right re the boys. They know what I have been through. I have always tried to protect them. You think you are hiding the bad bits from them and you worry how they will cope but they have been fantastic. The youngest keeps asking me if I'm ok and can he help me. This breaks my heart.
I have had some deep lovely conversations with him. It's so hard not to get upset. I've told him I don't want to hurt his dad. And he knows. Thank god they both know xx

Alice, baby, Colin, nini, very, honey - thank you so so much.

I'm a blubbering mess. I don't know how I can have any tears left.

Let it out, FFF. It helps, kind of. Your boys will be your strength. xx

I have just had a revelation. I saw a stupid ad for days out and it made me wonder when we last did a "joyous" thing.
Cant remember.
Trapped and sad.

fff was it all my bernards typos that brought tears to your eyes?
that should hAve said your boys backed you up not asked you up.

Bernard really is on form lately - it must be the warm weather making me fat fingered. and i cannot scroll back up to check half the time.

so please all excuse me if i sound like a badly typed 'word salad' was that your phrase Colin? like it.

(we get those at work a lot)

fff let your boys give you your support it will help them as well as you. even if it is practical things they will feel better if they know it is helping you.

all for your support over the last couple of weeks. night all. tomorrow is another day.

nini maybe a trail of jelly babies from the front door to the nearest bus stop? Would he follow it?

Not feeling well today, so dosed up on paracetamol and just hoping the day goes by quickly and I feel better soon. Weirdly, I miss EH now, even though realistically speaking, he'd just expect me to do mostly the same things ill that I do when not ill. I think it's just a "I don't feel well, I want someone else here" thing. Obviously my brain is not working properly today.