Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

oh lovely, another cocklodger honey

Yours was like my ex too.

tell me about it the only silver lining is the gawjus baby boy i got from it. wasted so much time n energy on a complete fucktard i couldve met mr right (in a good way) in the time i spent with that waste of space x

you still could honey.

this is going to make me sound mental but i can kind of feeling that i am going to be ok and i get a wave everynow and again of what the lovely future dp that i imagine for myself will feel like to be around. (in my head he is extremely comforting and warm....or dam it is that just a blanket...no he is also funny. i get weird little flashes of laughing with someone)

the mental bit is that i have had these feelings in the past and they eventually happen.
as i don't believe in all that destiny stuff i presume i must make them happen. so here is hoping.

and yes i did get flashes and warnings about FW. and still did it. i thought the vibes was just perfectioneist a d a bit ocd not abuse though. and i thought i could handle that.

and i always knew i would have twins.

and i get the most bizarre glimpses of them grown up at about 18 or 19...

heg are you me? I must be at the same stage as you cos I feel the same. I have had weird FW dreams all week, but then last night, I dreamed I was out drinking with all these men - some of my lovely exes and flings and FW was there being a FW and I was ignoring him.

I feel so happy today.

I do miss the good sex but for every good sex session, there was a session when I didn't get off or had to do something that didn't turn me on or I arrived and he was just laying unwashed in his pit expecting a blow job

Chaoscat, welcome .

Heghog sadly EXP was good in bed too. But I'm trying to be very honest with myself about this and I think it was the mechanics that were good IYSWIM. He wasn't particularly loving in bed, not great at kissing, made a very odd 'sex face', and when it was over wasn't into cuddles etc.. That might all sound a bit unkind, but I'm trying to detach .

I love reading that you no longer love FW heghog, I cannot wait to be in that place (nothing like rushing your fences). There is no way your kids will love his new GF more than you, no matter what happens- you are their mum, it is that simple. You are very very special to them- you win......

FFF are you ok today? Have you had any further thoughts about what you would like to do? In answer to your question about how my relationship ended, I stood up to EXP a few weeks ago when he went to the pub one afternoon on a day when he had promised to be available for a very rare family day. It probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but he did this type of thing all the time, this time his excuse was that the day was finished because it was 5.30. He wouldn't acknowledge that he had been unkind, I couldn't say it was ok. To cut a long story short he said if his behaviour wasn't enough for me, he needed to leave. I tried to fix things but they had gone to far and he had made up his mind.

Loving the shitlists. Mine is 36 points long, but was hard to write without guilt, minimising and doubts. I would love to share it but I'm worried it will completely out me (although I've not exactly skimped on details so far).

Thatsnotmyname thank you for the fast forward strategy, it is a great idea. I find myself imagining a fairy tale future though where things would have changed for the better, rather than an an evidence based realistic shitty one. I suppose, at least I know I'm doing it so I can try to correct myself.

In other news I've changed my relationship status on FB, and hidden it to avoid a fuss, changed my pic to one without EXP, hidden him from my feed so I won't be jolted by unwelcome news. I was going to dereg completely but its a good way to stay in touch with friends. I've also cancelled Sky sports.

I'm very lucky that DS is with my mum for the evening so I'm going to a friends house. She is lovely and her DH 'works' with EXP so they know what has been happening. She has been hinting that I deserve better for a long time, but its hard for either of them to say anything too outspoken in case it backfires on them. I do understand their position but what I really need is for them to tell me he is an awful man, as this would be immensely helpful in stopping this annoying minimising.

Mammoth post- sorry!!

very he is an awful man.

think the only thing that sucks about getting rid is that single mum loneliness u get sometimes..... kinda hit me this eve.... when i thought of how the men that cheated and made me cry are happy with their new partners and giving them the world... and the only good one i had is long dead. and im here alone, single again . cant help but feel a sense of sadness

i hate the pitying looks ill get in maternity as i did after dp died, the 'aww shes got no partner, shes a broken woman' looks from the happily married think ill make that stay a brief one if possible x

aw honey ((hugs)) cannot even offer you .
how long have you left to go?

and about dp. that must have been so tough and so very poignant to go through when he should have been with you but could not.

sending you good vibes and a big hug.

(((hugs))) from me too honey. I worry about the loneliness too, although if I'm honest there have been times in my marriage that I have broken down in tears I've felt so lonely and isolated.

I'd ignore the smug marrieds. Who knows what is really happening in their lives and what the future holds for them. I was 'happily married' on a maternity ward and it's not exactly worked out well.

Also, as awful as it sounds I think I'd have enjpyed the new baby days an awful lot more without a FW. When DD arrived was when the abuse really started. He would physiclly stop me from picking her up when crying because she 'couldn't get her own way all the time'. Despite BFing on demand as per all the advice, he would still not let me feed her when he thought she'd had enough. In case she got fat! If we were eating dinner and she cried I had to leave her until we'd finished eating. If I tried to eat quickly I got criticised for that. I wasn't allowed any alcohol or tasty food in case it affected my breastmilk. I was under huge pressure to lose weight quickly. He never told me how well I was doing at BFing - kept offering to get formula and giving me 'helpful' comments as to what I was doing wrong (became an instant expert). I remember yelling at him one night 'to shut up as you haven't even got breasts)

Wow sorry. Don;t know where that all came from!!!! I never realised that I had so many bad memories from the baby stages.

What I set out to do was say that maybe you'll be happier than some women by yourself :)

at your FW bounty but arf at you don't even have breasts. i may start using that as a catch all criticism of FW. (who was also dubious about bfing)

good point bounty. i am feeling a bit sorry for self at the moment but yes not as unhappy to bw alone as women who have lost someone they loved for whatever reason. the man i thought i loved was just a fleeting visitor most of the time he was FW.

brilliant one from Lundy btw.
an abuser looks in the mirror and sees his face is dirty and washes the mirror.

if i still had aFW i think i would be muttering 'that reminds me must clean the mirrors' a lot to keep myself sane. that and beheading small jelly men

Hi everyone.

Your posts cheer me up. Xxxx

It has been a very long few days. I have spoken to both my lovely boys and told them that I would like h to leave and give me some space. They agree that it's for the best. Eldest DS was angry with h when I told him that he had scared me. Youngest 18 has been so grown up about it all. I am truly blessed.

So when h came home today after been at the pub I asked him if he had chance to think about what I had said yesterday re leaving. He just got annoyed and tried turning the tables.
He said
That's what you have wanted all along
You don't love me
You are 90% to blame for all this
You don't give a shit about me
I am so proud of myself because I was so calm. I said I don't want to argue with you. I don't agree with what you are saying. The abuse is getting worse and you scare me. Our relationship is toxic and I need space. I think it would be a good idea if you went.
I cried a few times. I said we have been together 22 years of course I care about you. I just can't live like this its making me anxious.

To which he replied you use that card like a joker. ( I am on anti dep for anxiety)!

I know he is just lashing out and he wants to blame someone. But it hurts.

There is no going back now. I am exhausted, feel a bit sick and sad. I feel as if the tears are bubbling all the time.

Sorry

Well done Funny Fish! You sound very brave. It sounds like your boys are great. I am sure you can move forward for all of you x. I am seeking the same myself but don't have your strength yet. Good Luck.

Thank you chaos.

It has hard seeing him. He is making me feel guilty. It will be easier when he goes.

I think he will leave tomorrow.

That's amazing! Think how wonderful a fw free home will be! This FW here is unfortunately lying next to me snoring. He makes my skin crawl. Sad thing is I used to fancy him rotten .

Just nipping in quickly to give fff some un-mn ((((hugs))))

Funnyfishface it IS really hard to insist they go, but give yourself a bit of time to get used to it. You need time to regain some confidence and realise that you will be fine. It's a huge change - one that you've been programmed against - you've spent how many years being conditioned to believe that you are reliant on him? Now you need some time to see that you are going to be not just fine, but better!

Thank you everyone for your support.

I am in the spare room. I haven't slept well but am exhausted. Thoughts are running wild. Stomach is flipping.

I think that he is leaving today.

I'm trying to control breathing so I can control the anxiety. It's so hard

fff I've been lurking as I haven't been able to keep up with everything. But wanted to butt in and say well done for being so brave. You've done the hard bit, stick to your guns and keep your view on the end game. I really hope he does go today - it's such a relief to have your space safe. Xx

fff big hugs to you, well done. you did it all in the right way, and dealt with your kids in the best way possible.
hope it all goes ok for you today xx

Thank you.

I feel as if I have slept with my shoulders hunched all night. Neck, back head all hurt. And jaw - I must have been clenching my teeth. Tension I know ! Can't seem to relax my muscles.

What a mess.

He is getting up now - I can hear him in the shower x

fff do you have anyone who can come over today and give you some company and support?

I just can't stop the tears. I feel so sorry for the situation.

I'm going to my friends thanks Babyseal x