Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Very - sorry I couldn't remember how your relationship ended. Did you ask him to leave

Thanks for your replies. It helps. I may just get away for the weekend on my own.

It's so hard now my db knows. He had expected me to take action this evening. Ahhhhhhhhhh

so to remind me it is time i did my shitlist

• he ruined every holiday by having at least one screaming fit

-he ruined most christmasses and hogmanay -he is mean, selfish and self centered but totally un self aware -addicted to the internet -he is paranoid, and falls out with people -he bears grudges but expects to be forgiven -constantly blames me fir things which are not my fault -he told all his friends i was a minger -he cheated on all his previous Gf bar one -he spat on me -he viewed looking after his own kids as a chore -he called me a cunt a scrounger a fucking idiot and stupid on a regular basis -he said my kids are badly brought up and under fed -he radiates tension like a vibration that goes through the whole house especially when giving up smoking which he did at least twice every year for several months -he never paid any bills -he left me to do up my flat on my own whilst 8months pregnant -he let us down over moving to his and over looking after the kids one day a week -he threatened to destroy me -when i was supposed to go out he frequently either turned up late and/or threatened not to look after the kids (for me) -he walked out about 20 times and threw me out of his in the middle of the night repeatedly when i was pregnant -repeatedly said they were my kids because he did not want them -he is a selfish sexist lazy parasite.

and breath. i feel a bit better now.

Heghog this made me smile. Did he have any good points. He sounds horrendous.

You are so well rid.

he was extremely good in bed.
good in a crisis
he was a good dad to the dsc but now realise this was for my benefit.
he is the father of my kids.
he can dance and he can fix things when he can be arsed
he was funny and fascinating in a wrong kind of way.

but mostly sometimes he was not horrid

not enough really is it?

oh and he has saved quite a lot of lives.
he is an interesting contradiction.

but mostly he just just a total and utter prick.
he had a hard childhood and probably had A-SPD and ADHD but none of these things is my fault.

yes I am well rid. and although i love my kids i do sometimes wish they were not his.

No not enough sadly.

The hard thing is we have been together for so long it's hard to imagine life without him. I'm sad for that. I know it's a toxic relationship. I know that I need to get out but it's not easy.

Oh for peace, quiet, no dramas, love, affection, encouragement, friendship, laughter...... Does that life exist.

Saved lives? Paramedic? Doctor? Fireman?

pm fff. but now you know as impressed as i was by that i was almost as impressed by my ex who was a green keeper and how perfectly he could stripe a lawn. i am a sucker for a man who is good at his job. when i read a really well written geek blog about writing code i fall a little bit in love. had a huge crush on an extremely large pizza and coke driven, ginger, bearded coder from America who stammered just because he loved code so much and could make it intelligible and because he stammered#. so my heroes aren't just the obvious ones.

although should any of the mountain rescue ever need a 'body' to practise on,come and find me I'm yours!

(#I stutter when i am tired ill or very stressed much to FW delight and amusement he used to call me s s stuttering fuck)

Hello Everyone
I have been reading your posts. Thanks, they have helped me without you even knowing!

Can I ask - Does anyone suffer at the end of a "Tone" of Voice? When there is about to be a bout of EA the FW develops this "Tone".

Also - what can I do to calm or reduce the rants anything?

I want to leave, but an planning to save for 6 months or so first. If I can hack it

Thanks x

ChaosCatt welcome. Not really a tone for EH, as he just usually went straight to shouting. Although I got shouted at because he didn't like MY tone (not that I had one, he just didn't like it - generally when I was standing up for myself).

I honestly don't know if there is a way to calm or reduce the rants. I tried to avoid setting things off, but if I avoided obvious triggers something else always came along. Is it even possible?

chaos welcome.
no tone here either sometimes a general vibes but sometimes get walked in the door and launched straight into it.
re avoiding ranting- depends the nature and trigger. there is a kinks that says you should adopt a depressed confused and resigned attitude byte that is to persuade a possessive abuser to leave/ move on.

That's the sad thing, I don't think it is. I feel stuck.

other posters had various mental tricks to allow the wants to wash over them...

good luck and hope you get a rant free day

very if you can bear it, fast-forward through a few years imagining that you had continued to put up with him what would life be like? Do you think that he would have turned into a generous. loving provider? NO! he would have become worse, taking you for granted, you would become an 'enabling' doormat. Try and hold on to that you've done it for the right reasons. Hope you're feeling OK, be nice to yourself.

chaos IKWYM by 'tone' not so much from my H but my mother was like that... I grew up 'walking on eggshells' and smoothing things over and not standing up for myself... amazing how subtle these things are.

With H it is more like-- he has to know that at all times I will be totally attuned to what his needs are... I am like his PA and I never quite measure up. And he is like my 'boss' who shouts at me.

He got a speeding ticket and expects me to deal with it not just to send in details (I was secretly hoping he'd ask me to take the points so I could tell the world what a sh*t he is!) but he made me do loads of research about that particular camera, type of camera, and write a long letter asking them to justify when it had been calibrated, etc would be fine if he were doing it himself but I HAD TO DO IT FOR HIM! when I objected saying he wouldn't win and to just to the speed awareness course he of course got angry with me saying I didn't know the value of money as I'd never worked a hard day in my life... then he justified himself asking me to do it as 'it would only take 10 minutes to write'... he has bad dyslexia and cannot compose a readable letter/email, all have to be checked, I did it but it took ages and they have responded with a packet of information which I now have to read...

Ooh I think I need a shitlist! Will come back later with one . Had a terrible terrible night - DD not sleeping well, Dcat running around all night, FW hot and complaining needing the window open, shouting at Dcat and he pushed her violently again (like I keep telling him not to!) so I lost it and slapped his arm. Now he's not talking to me. I'm the bad one for lashing out physically.

Hi Chaos, I know what you mean about a 'tone' of voice. My FW does this 'look' at me when I know I've done something really wrong in his eyes and am about to cop it. Nobody would know this look but me. His head goes down, eyebrows go together, the skin around his eyes goes very dark and he just looks evil. I actually have a photo of it. It makes me mad with fear when he does it . So yes, I know exactly what you mean, a tone of voice is very similar I expect.

I am also trying to wait it out for the next 6 months or so, maybe we can wait together . I have various mental tricks (and not so mental ones!) I use to get me through - have a think about what tiny things you could do that he wouldn't notice but would ease the stress.

thats yy to FW making you do things fir him, acting like you are bring unfair if you don't and having the cheek to have a go at you for not doing it the way they would have. x used to say well that is the last time i will do a favour for you. (he v rarely did any other than the enormous favour of looking after his own children.)

he would also almost immediately after claim he could not remember the last time you did anything for him

am fastforwarding go my life with FW. main issue would be the kids as they were copying his shouting. and having issues at classes etc. so i would not choose to have stayed with him. but am very sad still not that he is gone but that the choice i made was between being a single parent or DA. neither of those is what I ordered from the menu. i know this is just the flat bit after the adrenaline wears off and the big change has gone normality

has become normality...

adding to my shitlist
expected me to do things for him, criticised me and then denied i had ever done them. if i asked him to do something he either refused or found a way of making me do part of it. e.v. if he washed dishes he would deliberately put them in the wrong place so i had to find them and put them away
-deliberately wore aftershave he knew i was allergic to.

6 months is soooo long. What's driving me loopy is that he gets aggro every night and then next morning he acts as if nothing has happened. I like the shit list idea.
Nini - I often think a bag over his head may sort most issues out though .

nini photo sounds scary wonder what he thinks when he sees it.

have heard theme tunes in your head is a good one.

chaos that is classic gaslighting. he wants you to pretend it never happened because it is easier. you could record him but it can be risky so approach ewith caution. would have worked on my ex who could be shamed but never changed long term but would not work on some.

6 months is long. thinking of you both.

Hi Heg, I did record him once, more to reassure myself that it wasn't me being unreasonable. He knows about it, and occasionally throwsit in my face if he wants to be nasty.
What is gaslighting~?

LOL heg about the aftershave, are you sure it isn't him you're allergic to? I would have welcomed the chance (but my H has no concept of trying to make himself attractive, thinks women are only attracted to money/men who have it) to have a huge allergic reaction to him and insist on separate beds!

nini I have now been waiting for 6 months... 6 months since I first posted about him here in a fit of total upset, and got an overwhelming 'LTB' reaction... it is a good amount of time to lay the groundwork re: leaving, have you spoken to anyone, ie solicitors? I think that ultimate step is hard to take, I can see staying in this state of limbo, I set a goal of post-exams to take action but now I can see other things that may make me maintain the status quo, for example DS has decided to move back home for the summer. I don't want more input when I 'break up' the family home, but the fact that H wants to sell should now work in my favour.

I've said that I had to keep things calm and didn't want to rock the boat because of my DD's uni applications/interviews/exams and I think it was the right thing to do. But guess what, she has 2 weeks to go before all A2's finished. I am terrified that it is now time for me to take action, I just want him to quietly go away. I wish that he would decide that I'm not good enough for him! He alludes to this sometimes and says he is staying with me out of a sense of obligation but I am afraid if I start the ball rolling re divorce he will backlash at me!

I know that this is terrible but I was thinking about pretending that I was ill, something 'female' related, as I know that he would not want to stay around if I were. Well I think I know that maybe he would become caring and kind? And if it were the other way around and I got 'stuck' caring for him (knowing he's a demanding unkind "£$% and always complains bitterly about the NHS which I think is pathetic and cowardly) what would I do?? I might scarper! He can be decent and caring at times, ie he does love our cat and dog-- BUT he never feeds them or cleans up after them... and then I remind myself that Hitler was so kind to his dog... hmmm.

Your shitlist points have made mine - FWs all cut from the same cloth that belonged in the reject bin.

thats illness and FWs is a funny thing. When things were good, he thought I had a lump in my breast and was lovely about it, wanted me to see a doctor, said if I was ill, he would be so upset, couldn't imagine life without me, wanted to marry me and everything. It was nothing. A couple of months ago, I actually had lumps in my head which were inflamed lymph nodes. When I texted to say I had found them, he phoned me and went mad at me for having told him. He was nice afterwards, checking I went to drs and keen to know outcome. But still. He also used to get cross with me when I was ill with flu or whatever. He feigned illness often - they were always hangovers.

shit points-

controlling
clingy
v v needy
paranoid
woman hater- very prejudiced against women, believes they should have less rights than men.
that hideous goatee he decided to grow.
personal hygiene puts deodorant on without washing first. smells a little cheesy
his feet stink !
sprays wayyy too much perfume on himself.
in alot of debt and reckless with money. borrows alot.
wastes his wages on crap then asks others to lend him tenners when its all gone.
wants me to do his finances for him , as he 'cant do it himself'.

wants to live the high life he cant afford. brags about things a teenager wants, doing a car up with big speakers so he can show off to his 'mates'. hes not licenced btw.and he cant afford a car nor driving licence.

wants everything everyone else has, as if hes automatically entitled to it.

thinks its cool and funny that he used to drive illegally.

wants luxuries given to him on a plate, but cba to go and earn them.

thinks its ok to drag a child through the care system, for his own benefit.
doesnt see the problem with running away with a child abroad (parental abduction) if the woman tries to stop him 'exercising his fathers rights'

lack of morals, unless it involves himself.
blames other people for all his actions.
a selfish lover, just laid on his back
lives like a slob, drinks litres of coke a day.

wrote facebook statuses about me when i didnt do what he wanted, then denied they were about me saying im paranoid

unreasonable demands- no other male must have contact with- or discipline- his child, including their uncle. must attend a different school to my 3. expected me to drive to his wirk each day, to give him a hug. if not, im cheating. expected me to ring him every day for an hour before bed. if i didnt, im cheating.

thinks the world is all against him, he is always the victim and the world owes him.

i could go on but id be here all day.its just a shame it took a year for me to end it.

one thing i am pleased about though, is that a month ago he asked me to get a contract out in my name so he can get an iphone5 (again, just cos i have one) cos noone will lend him money or give him a contract unsurprisingly . i got sick of him asking for my money so i said no. boy am i pleased i did that, he could have rinsed me

honey what a FW!!!!