Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

FFF [flowers}. It must be scary your brother knowing because now there is no going back to how things were before or brushing under the carpet by him. Keep brave. I am sorry I don't know your backstory, so can't give any more specific advice, as I don't know your domestic setup - is it safe and advisable for you to leave for a few days, maybe with your brother? Or do you need him to leave?

I just know in my gut that he is wrong. It took me a while to see it but most of the shit that he spouts is total projection. Some kind of opposite game really, so I've started to tell myself 'he's telling you what HE is' or that he thinks the opposite to what he says. I think I'm on the right lines. I have to consciously tell myself these things or look at my list and I post here.

So when he says I was financially abusive, I remember that:

• every month he put me under pressure to pay his rent or something and it was pressure because he would make me feel bad if I said no or he would sulk.
• he once had a complete breakdown until I gave him money to go to the pub. It was literally like a tantrum.
• Kept on for clothes, DVDs and books all the time. If he bins all the stuff I bought, he'll have not very much. I've binned all the stuff he bought me. ONE mug did not take up any room in my bin.
• If I mentioned the money he owed me or that money was a problem, he would tell me to find a man with money, to go back to my ex or that I only cared about money
• Once told me his dad was minted and that he only asked for money as a test of my love
• I never stopped him from working
• He financially abuses his parents

So I look at all the examples of his manipulation and I say 'Colin, wind your bloody neck in'. I started to take it on board much less when I started writing it down.

The other stuff is harder - he says I was abusive full stop but I know in my bones it is not me. I know who I am. I know I have never been abusive to anyone, in fact I rarely argue. I take people as I find them. It can't be me. He is abusive to everyone eventually.

You just need your Teflon coating and to remind yourself FWs talk in riddles

Thankyou Colin . I will take that all on board.

It is a Phoenix.

I was sorely tempted to have 'FW is a c*' but decided this was more elegant.

It was a brilliant thing to do. Really cathartic.

Hugs to FFF. I missed all that. The EA only gets worse as he realises he is at risk. You have to speak out but you need the right kind of support. You are vulnerable now and you need a team of people to support you.

Thank you and thanks for the pm.

My situation is married 22 years. Eldest DS from first marriage and youngest DS 18. Only youngest lives with us.

8 years ago we moved so that h could start up new business. I left all my friends and have been isolated here.
H is moody, jealous, controlling, ea,
His mood dictates the house. We are walking on eggshells most of the time.
I have a small job from home which doesn't earn great money.
I have been applying for other jobs

He controls all finances. I do not have access to money.
We have property, cars, money in the bank.

The plus points of our relationship are passion (we still fancy each other) and security. We are not friends and I do not feel loved.

He is ALL about sex.

So he is convinced that yesterday when I went to see my ill friend that I had actually been out and had lunch with someone and shagged them.
I wish I was that popular haha.

Last 2 years suffered with panic attacks and anxiety. Went on meds nov last year. The meds effect libido. I have told him this but he thinks I am making it up. We have boned from having sex 3 times a week to 1.
So if I'm not having sex with him I am having it elsewhere RIGHT!

My therapist said it is him causing the anxiety.
He has definitely caused it today.
He is jealous of everyone and everything. Even our sons. Their lifestyle, clothes, holidays, everything.

I had weekend away at my mums in April and told him when I got back that we would give our marriage until August and if he didn't change we would part. He agreed. This is him trying.

I know what I should do. It's the perfect opportunity. But I'm scared.

Oops spell - not boned but gone from. How funny in that context

If this is him 'trying' FFF then you really cannot stay (even if it wasn't him trying I think your relationship sounds irretrievable). I am with your therapist saying that your FW has caused the anxiety and panic attacks.

My FW accused me of having an affair last year (I wasn't). I don't think he really believed it himself. It's just another controlling tactic as I found myself rushing home from work rather than lingering to chat to colleagues, refusing invitations out with friends etc so that he coudln't be suspicious of me. As it happens, it turns out he was the on ehaving the 'inappropriate' friendship.....

Do you have any ideas about how to leave? have you spoken with WA? They could give you some proper practical help, esp if he controls all the finances.

I understand what you mean about wishing you hadn't told your DB. I initially regretted telling my parents but after a bit it has been a real help, has given me somewhere to talk honestly and lean on for support and also to keep reminding me of how bad things have been when I'm tempted to minimise.

Can your DB help with your escape?

Thinking of everyone else too. It seems there is a lot of FWery around just now :(

very i know how you feel re the finality. i was glad he was gone but now it seems serious with New Gf that is somehow final and am stupidly imagining the dcs will have more fun with her than me cos I have to do all the boring stuff.

i never was any good with endings.

also knowing i can never co front him about his abuse.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling anxious, that's an awful feeling. It's hard to leave as horrible as it is. I doubt I'd have had the strength to leave FW so appreciate its hard especially having kids. Just do what you need to do, we are all here FFF.

Heg I'm feeling exactly the same as you now, imagining him all happy with his girlfriend and knowing I won't get to have sex with him again or have a life and a family with him that I wanted. It's been a week since he contacted me and the fact that he's gone from controlling me to forgetting me makes me so sad.

Big hug for everyone struggling today.

EXP has emptied his wardrobe and drawers, taken lots of stuff & is staying in his new place. I thought I may as well wash the few clothes that he hadn't managed to do himself, and in doing so caught a whiff of his familiar smell. It has broken me completely, I'm so sad and so afraid that I've done the wrong thing.

If I hadn't insisted his behaviour wasn't ok, he would still be here. I wish I had put up with it.

My anger has gone and I'm just so sad. I didn't realise how much I still love him. I want to beg him to come back- how pathetic is that!

Do you have a shitlist like the one Colin shared a few posts back, very? If you do, better go read it. Or Lundy?

You've done the right thing. It won't necessarily feel like the right thing straight away. and in the meantime. Have some time for yourself - how strange does that feel?

Very - that all sounds totally normal to me. I nearly ended it at the last confrontation. Thought I had in my head. And then my DD unearthed (unknowingly) a hotel freebee body lotion from the back of a drawer which I'd got on our first post-DD night away on our own. It opened the flood gates and I howled and he crepy back in! And now I wish I'd had the resolve as I'm still here.

If I hadn't insisted his behaviour wasn't ok, he would still be here. I wish I had put up with it

I know - I struggled with it too. But you don't really wish that - not really. It'll get easier, especially as you feel more confident and safe.

I love my EH as well, but love is not enough when you're struggling to feel safe and being treated poorly. Go back, look at some of the posts you've put on when he was really horrible. Reread them. Remind yourself why you're doing this. It might help - it helped me.

love is not enough So true! When you're slowly but surely being destroyed in the process... (Am I being melodramatic? I would've thought so in the past, but now I'm pretty sure I'm not.)

Thank you charlotte, Alice and bounty. The thing is I never felt physically unsafe, he never threatened me, and I don't think he was horrible in a calculated way. So I don't have that feeling of relief of being safe.

He was just very very selfish, put himself first, seemingly preferred the pub and his mates to me, chased his sporting dream instead of earning money, left the lions share of shopping, childcare, cleaning, organising, gardening to me, didn't share my ideal of a family life...... It all made me feel so very unloved, and he didn't get that.

But I don't think it was deliberate. I just wasn't all that important.

There were incidents that might make some people shout LTB- we split for a year when DS was 1 because he totally shirked his parenting responsibilities, and he moved straight in with another woman and her child (but saw the error of his ways and came back), he had a terrible gambling addiction costing tens of thousands (but he went to GA, faced his problems and stopped), last year after a difficult period he was seen kissing someone in a local pub (but somehow I forgave him), he was so focussed in his sport that he struggled to put aside time for us or for a holiday together which I would have gladly paid for (but he did have a couple of trips abroad with the boys each year, playing his sport).

It just doesn't feel like enough to split over. It wasn't deliberate cruelty or anything along those lines.

I know it's too late, but I'm feeling like I should have done more to fix things, like complained less.

I'm reading my shitlist myself charlotte

A couple of threads ago, he said we would sort things out if I took him shopping. I wished I had. Wished I'd given in to every one of his demands. Not that it would have been enough I suppose but I miss everything at the moment. I think the sacrifices are worth it.

More Florence for us:

It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

very This stands out to me - It all made me feel so very unloved, and he didn't get that. and
I just wasn't all that important

I deserve to be happy and feel safe and relaxed in my own home. So do my children.

Don't you think you deserve that too? You do, you know.

very I think you are minimising things as we all do to cope . Many of the things on your list would be enough to leave in isolation. As a group they are a compelling reason to go (or be glad that he's gone)

The things that stand out to me are:

• totally selfish
• not playing a part in family life
• kissing someone in the pub last year
• wasting ££££ gambling (even if he has sorted the issue)
• persuing his dreams at the expense of yours

I think you are falling into the trap that no violence or physcial fear = ok relationship. For a long time I used to say if he'd hit me then I'd leave. But all these behaviours are equally bad as physically assaulting you, it is just that the scars are not visible.

It does not sound like a relationship worth sacrificing yourself and your own happiness for.

Sorry to be blunt but sometimes we need to hear the truth

What she said. You deserve to feel valued and cared for.

For e.g. I remember the day after I left my exH. I went to stay with my parents. While I was making a very difficult series of phone calls my mum, without asking, just made me a cup of coffee to have once I'd finished. I burst into tears, and still can thinking about it(!), because it was the first time in YEARS I was sharing a house with someone who would do something that simple for me, to acknowledge my needs and feelings. It's a real marker for me of (a) how bad things had got and (b) how powerful those small, thoughtful gestures that are markers of decent relationships are and what a deep effect the denial of that sort of basic respect/interest/care can have on your, well, soul and peace I guess.

Hi

I told both DS what happened yesterday. I told them that I was scared.

When h came home at 7.30 I told him that his behaviour was not acceptable neither of us are happy and one of us should move out. We have a house where we rent the rooms out individually. One of the rooms is empty. So I said he should go. He told me that he was extremely jealous of the relationship I have with sons. I don't treat him the same way. Which I don't.
I told him that I was scared and that his abuse is getting worse. He said that he would never hit me but to be honest he was so wound up and mad I don't think he was in control of his actions yesterday.
He had said that he could kill me and that he was going to shove the remote control down my throat. He had grabbed me and then followed me downstairs. His face was contorted as he was getting angrier.

He has dismissed my request for one of us to leave and is chatting tonight as if nothing as happened. He has now gone to bed.
I will sleep in spare room tonight and think I might pack some bits and stay in the other house from tomorrow.

Thoughts anyone

fff i think you should go if you have to but speak to the police first. i don't see why you should be the one stuck.in one room if you can avoid it. but if it is only option then go.

if you speak to the police and get the incident logged i think from what others have said that you don't lose rights over your home because you have left.
ideally get an occupation order. he threatened you with actual violence. that may be enough to exclude him.

but yes definitely do something don't stay either him he sounds dangerous.

alice yes you are right I do deserve to feel those things, I do need to try to quieten the voice in my head saying 'but you never felt physically unsafe or bullied so it's ok.

bounty a big thank you for being blunt. At this stage it is what I need! It is almost wonderful to read that you think I was justified in being unhappy with things. I must be an expert minimiser, along with as you point out equating no physical fear to an ok relationship.

spud thank you for responding with your story, it resonates hugely- you are right now I think about it that a lack of respect/interest/care can affect you deeply.

Feeling quite a lot better after reading responses to my meltdown on here earlier. I'm back to being able to see things weren't ok. Thank goodness, it was terrifying to think I'd made an awful mistake.

I am so grateful for this thread, thank you.

FFF. I agree with heg.

What he did was disgusting, apologies if that sounds harsh, but to an outsider it really sounds terrifying. It's not sufficient to try to reassure you that he wouldn't hurt you after something like this.

Hugs.

very you need to grieve.

I don't still love FW. when i see him i don't want him. and when i was near him recently and i could smell him i had to keep moving away from him. it was making me scared and sick.

i am just worried about the future, sad because i lost my family, sad because my kids have a New 'stepmum' and for them i want her to be lovely but not better than me!

dsd was babysitiing tonight and i really wanted to talk to her about what it was like growing up with their dad having a string of Gf. the first day see met me, far too soon IMO, she at all of 10 turned a steely gave on her dad and said 'dad i think you have had far too many girlfriends'.
as it happens i saw her through her teenage years and we are good friends and i would love to confide in her but she is FW dd so i have to think of her first.

i also really want to warn her about red flags or lend her Lundy because having grown up around abuse i am scared for her. but otoh she is so level headed maybe she will be fine. and i would like her to know about abuse but i cannot say 'your dad abused me' in so many words..or so few.