Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hi yes thanks I'm ok just anxious.

He is playing the feel sorry for me card now. And it works. Arghhhhhh I'm logging it in my diary. 2 weeks since the last episode.

Colin- congrats on your first tattoo. What is it and where?

fff notice that it is all about his feelings. With, by the looks of it, added guilt trip re DS.

Your text was spot on, I thought. No need for further texts tho.

Afternoon all,

Hope you are all doing ok.. Haven?t had time to review the thread as in work but wanted to post this quote.

I have been doing some reading on alcoholism and the related familial abuse and I thought this quote was really very true.

It talks about not giving him your head space. How when things are going well, you start stressing about when they are going to go badly again. I am so guilty of this, in fact have said it to FW, and this usually results in a bout of rage/ disappearances/ fuckwittery in general.

?The only thing he was really pretty much aware of was when he needed, in his sickness, to hurt her emotionally. He was aware of when she was hovering over him too much, worrying, afraid. Then he?d feel really powerful and contemptuous of her, instead of grateful that she care about him. So, instead of saying ?thanks?, he hurt her more.?

It struck me very clearly that it?s such a power thing. He says I am trying to control him, when in fact he is controlling the majority of my thoughts and actions. Even when he is being ?well behaved?.

Doh. Am sure it's so obvious to other people but some of this stuff is a revelation to me.

FFF it is all about him, isn't it? He has twisted everything that has happened to make him the victim, and hasn't acknowledged his physical abuse to you, let alone the more subtle stuff. Your reply was succinct and to the point, there is not a lot more you can say really is there? I am not surprised you feel guilty, but you shouldn't. From my limited experience, don't let guilt cloud your view of this incident (I will hold my hands up and say that misplaced guilt clouds my view of many of the situations I find myself in with exp). What he did was wrong and any decent person would be apologising, not trying to make you feel bad.

Alice my ex has said he admits he was at some fault regarding his treatment of me in the past, but then that would all change as soon as I did something "wrong" or refused one of his requests, such as saying No to his request to drop the kids off early on his contact weekend or talking to a friend about my problems. From reading some of this thread I can see now that his past admissions of guilt were a hoovering tactic, not meant at all. He must know deep down he has some responsibility, but can't even admit it himself when he is going through a nasty patch. The nasty patches are going to be one long nasty patch now, as I will not accept any hoovering attempts from now on as I used to, in the hope that things may change and we could have an amicable co-parenting relationship. So sad about this .

Hope things went well at the school today very.

FFF he's saying "you won't talk" but it's actually he won't listen! You DID tell him. Don't let him spin you around on this. He using veiled emotional blackmail here - making it seem like he's the victim. His insecurities are not your fault and not your problem - don't let him make you feel responsible for it.

very - I'm new here, but just wanted to say when I left my EA husband, my DD's (who was 6 at the time) school were brilliant. They made space for her to talk, took it easy with her and continue now (5 months on) to give me regular feedback on how she is doing. She is getting better (although an incident last night with her dad has got me worried that a LOT of hard work is about to be undone, but that's a separate thread) and as the school said it's not the first time they've seen a marriage break down.

I hope they were lovely to you.

Sorry I've not commented properly on the thread, I'm a bit all over the place . Hugs to everyone struggling today, and hugs to those giving sanity-saving advice.

I just couldn't stop the tears when I told DS' teacher. I really wish I could tell people without getting upset. It has happened every time so far.

Teacher was lovely, she offered to speak to DS for me which I said I thought was a good plan.

I think DS is still trying to be brave, he had that look on his face this morning of holding back the tears. I've told him that it is ok to feel sad, angry, whatever and that he can talk to me or Daddy about anything and that he doesn't have to be brave. But I don't know how to help him open up?

DP is packing the bulk of his stuff today. He will collect DS from school and then leave for good when I return from work. As DS will be there it will hopefully be drama free, I'm feeling pressure not to fall apart.

Still very very angry and confused about where he is moving to, but I'm trying not to think about it too much. If he's not shagging her yet, it won't be long.

And hello everyone!

My background:

With emotionally abusive (and drunk) husband for 13 years. I was 21, he was 37 when we met. Have 1 DD (7).

Left 5 months ago when he picked my daughter up from school when he was drunk.

Have residence and prohibited steps orders in place.

DD has regular contact with her dad. He has been on best behaviour up until last night, when things went INSANE. I think he is finally starting to realise this is a permanent arrangement. I won't go into details, I started a thread last night if you would like the gore'.

After I left I wrote a list of Red Flags/behaviour I ignored. I stopped when I got to p.4.

If interested they included:

Not allowed to walk away if he started shouting/screaming at me. Once I went into bathroom with daughter to avoid a row and he banged on the door screaming at me to ?Get the fuck out of the bathroom? so he could continue shouting at me

Getting raving drunk during the first Xmas we spent together. Hated being at my parents house for it. Drank a bottle of whiskey then stormed out to ?walk? 7 miles home. Should have let him instead of getting parents up to help them get him back. Threatened to hit my dad. WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. Called us all mad as we gave presents (in a jokey way) from our pets to each other.

When asking him to stop drinking he said ?You?ve taken everything else away from me, now you want to take this too? ? I had given him ? house, child, food, warmth, funded a career change, dealt with all domestic issues, taxi driver.

Stopped me from sleeping. Would start arguments late at night in bed, and keep me awake all night.
Blamed outbursts on me for ?making him do it?
Things would be fine ?If I only you ? were happy/paid more attention to him/listened to him not to anyone else?

Kicked my cats when he was angry

Hit walls, furniture, bashed about the place when he was angry.

Made it difficult to leave the house when going to something ? always late ? particularly if it was anything to do with my family- then blamed me for overreacting because of my ?precious? family and always having to please them.

Got roadrage 'on my behalf' when in car with me. Grabbing wheel, pressing horn. I hated that.

Sorry! I'll stop now...

spud welcome and well foe for getting out he sounds like a prize FW. sorry he is still giving you grief.
sadly until the kids grow up we are never totally free.

very it hurts but it is all baby steps in right direction. you are probably right about woman and I know although i don't want to feel anything about my FW it us hard not too. it is unfair. be kind to yourself.

fff it us indeed all about him. you are supposed to be answerable to him. don't get into the you don't really love me anymore game with him. it is a way for him yo try to make anything he does acceptable. stick tks emphasizing how he behaved and the thinking behind it.

maybe start your escape plan?

Colin hi. yay fir tattoo and not hearing from FW.

i am torturing myself now thinking about my FW. hoping this is part of the process and thus too will pass. don't want him back and don't think of them shagging. but do keep thinking about that he will be saying to her. and earlier i cried because they took my kids to the beach. what a stupid thing to cry about.

reminding myself that although he will be telling her she is much better than me just now in a year he will be saying to her heg used to do this or make that like this, why can't you? as he used to to me.

have decided from Lundy that he probably has antisocial personality disorder . as he has past of fighting trivial law breaking conflict at work and with authority. so even if he were to admit his abuse he is very unlikely to change.

obsessing badly.
this too will pass.
soon I hope.

heg that is NOT a stupid thing to cry about. Its really really hard to deal with.

It will pass, what was the lovely thing that someone posted recently about ebbs and flows? Feels apt for you today.

If you are able to maybe you could give yourself a sensible amount of time to think the torturous thoughts and then do something distracting? Not always easy to do I know, if you are at work or not able to distract yourself........

I must get Why Does he Do That? book again - I read it some years ago after I posted a thread on here saying my DP had called me a whore when he was drunk and I didn't want sex - should I be upset or accept his apology? . I read it and decided that there was no way my dp was abusive, he was just a bit sulky and childish, and didn't really fit into any of the categories. I thought the majority's cries on the thread that his behaviour was abusive, and sulking was a form of abuse, was over the top. Just goes to show it can sometimes take a long time for stuff to sink in.

He bought the EA Lundy book himself to read after stalking finding me accidentally on here, and then used it against me to say that it had helped him realise I was an abuser. After he insisted on dropping the kids back two days early in the half term, so I had to change all of my plans, because he couldn't cope with the kids for more than 3 nights, he justified it by saying that it is the first time he has ever had the courage to stand up to me in the whole time he has known me because of my controlling behaviour - and he is scared of me. Honestly, my heart races every time I have to have contact with him, I have lost so much weight since we split because I can't eat and can't sleep whenever he emails. I shake and cry in work. He is scared of me. .

really glad things went well at the school and thinking of you for the rest of this hard day. Hopefully you will feel some relief when you lock the door tonight, and go to bed, and know that you don't have to see his FW face in the morning!

very not really

spud what a FW, sorry you are having to put up with this. I have only been on this thread a few days and like you I have only found it now I am not with my FW any more. I already feel a lot more supported and wish I had come on here earlier. It is hard, but so much better than actually being with him.

heghog it will indeed pass .

Sorry to hear about your experience Spud, what a FW he is. Your bit about the cats made me especially as my FW has been violent towards our beautiful little cat aswell at times. Only the lowest of the low would hurt an animal, let alone a human.

Heg, I don't think its stupid to cry about that, it's normal. I would cry too. Never be ashamed to cry, far better than bottling it all up! Same goes for you very, there's nothing wrong with a good cry. At least it sounds like school are being supportive, which is good.

babyseal, I've heard of that happening before when the abuser (him, btw, not you!) gets hold of a book like Lundy. Instead of seeing themselves in the descriptions - they twist it to make them look like the wronged one. How fucked up thinking is that? You are not the abuser here. Do you have any support in real life you can lean on a bit when he contacts you?

heg I hope it passes for you. Try and hold on.

babyseal ah, you're the abusive one - a classic tactic. Mine did that too, cocklodged til the end and said I was financially controlling. Laugh i nearly cried.

Well spud he sounds simply darling . Glad you have found us. I get hit all the time with realisations about inappropriate behaviour. It's really odd.

I've just had counselling. Realised my relationship with my baby nephew has been more reciprocal than my relationship with FW ever was.

Feeling a bit happier - tattoo adrenaline is wonderful - although I expect to drop again later on when he doesn't get in contact because that means he's forgotten me. There's an episode of 30 Rock where Jenna starts missing her stalker - I feel like that when I don't hear from him. I'm such a looney.

I have a lot of support nini, I am very lucky. My Mum listens but seems to think all I have to do is stop letting him affect me so much; she does understand abuse though. My friends are good for having a rant at and all agree he is being manipulative at best. I don't feel able to call what he is doing / has done abuse in RL though, part of me still thinks that because there was no physical violence, and we often got on and had a laugh, and because on the surface he is such a sensitive, charming, all round good guy, that my anxious feelings and his negative effect on me are not legitimate at all. I am also starting to feel a bit like a broken record every time I talk about the latest development in his FWery to anyone .

Welcome spud its great to hear your DD is doing well. I hope last yesterday's incident has no lasting affects (?effects?).

baby FW's behavior sounds awful and terribly calculating. .

I'm struggling at work. I need to crawl away and have a cry. The things I'm going to miss are torturing me, Christmas, family time, cooking for him, sharing DS etc etc.. I feel like my firm hold on his horrid behavior is slipping, it almost feels like a shame that he wasn't more horrid, so I could feel more sure that I'm better off without him (apologies to those with truly horrid FW's, if that sounds insensitive).

I've been pleased to feel so strong up until now, but I'm wavering. He's gone anyway, for good, we've told DS, there's no turning back which is a scary realisation.

very I used to wish mine would deck me so I'd go. Remember the gains that there are - Christmas and family time with no dark cloud. No more horrible things. It is scary and it's natural to mourn. It's a new chapter. I miss my FW every day at the moment but i'm enjoying new things too. You'll find your way.

Colin where is your tattoo and what is it? I have thought about getting another one for years but have not plucked up the courage. It is because I got one on my bum when I was 17 and I bloody hate it now . It sounds like you were able to brush off your ex's comments about your abuse a lot easier than me, give me some tips! It eats up at me so badly.

I can relate to your feelings of wavering very, of wishing he was more horrid so it was more clear cut when I split with ex. I still get it now, as detailed above. Stay strong. Christmas etc will be tough for a while, but new traditions and routines will fall into place. Gather your friends and family around you to share ds with, both on big occasions and normal everyday stuff. Cook what the fuck you want too just for you (and ds of course) .

My brother has just been over who is in the police. Actually deals with DV. He said I have to leave or ask him to leave.

I feel sick. I was genuinely scared last night.

I know that is ea is getting worse. This is probably the worst it's been. And he is supposed to be trying.

My stomach is going over, I feel really sick. Now I wish I hadn't told my brother. He is livid. Oh god it's just a mess

Just dropping in quickly - I have my only a friend staying tonight and tomorrow so really ought to tidy up the house a bit before she arrives! I should be looking forward to it but am actually a bit nervous because entertaining is something FW has always done and made me believe I couldn't do. Know I'm going to enjoy it once she's here, though. She lives in Africa in my home from two years ago, so I don't get to see her nearly enough!

Been to FP and it was the Headworker today. Which is the category that most applies to me. Found the last 5 minutes about the nice man more helpful today than in other weeks - it brought it home to me just how wrong my relationship is. I've learnt a lot this week; till now I wasn't totally sure I was getting anything from it.

And I introduced the term "gaslighting" to the facilitators.

Thank you. I don't seem to get any joy from cooking for myself, I like doing all sorts of things for other people rather than myself. Probably not a very healthy attitude. The food in the fridge seems pointless now .

Do tell us more about the tattoo Colin. I'm tempted myself but may regret having NO MORE FWS tattoed on my forehead .

fff, if he's clued up about dv, remind him that leaving is not an instant thing; tell him you've heard him and ask him to support you without pressuring you. I hope he does just that. Your FW has made it into a mess; don't feel guilty, you have no part in that.

Have you thought about leaving in the past or made any plans? Do you have any contact with WA?

First things first: and breathe...