Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

My friends think I should leave him anyway. I know he won't ring them because it will prove to them what an idiot he is.

Thank you I am calmer now.

Will sit up and watch tv then go in the spare room.

His logic is because I don't want sex with him I must be getting it elsewhere. We had sex at the weekend!

'just answer me' is a FW fancy favourite. and so hard to deal with.

are you feeling a bit calmer now?
do you have coping strategies for your anxiety? it can be so rough. he is no doubt snoring away knowing that now he has wreaked havoc you probably won't sleep and will think twice before spending time with your friends again. job done as far as he is concerned.

i am afraid i am such a hothead i would probably have said, fine, I'm off and gone out just to teach him a lesson.

fff that was know the thread a while back. FW's who claim they never get any when they just had it.
is he 'demand man' ?

this really does sound like an isolating tactic.

Thank you heghog yes I'm calmer.

Yes I have coping strategies. I cannot afford to get stressed out because it spirals out of control. But I'm ok. I have made a chamomile tea.

I was married before at age 19 and he has thrown in my face tonight you shagged around with your first husband. !! He was literally spitting words at me. It's not true.

He said that he could kill me. I know they are words but I was really frightened. He is adamant I have cheated on him. I haven't and I never would.

But I hate him just now

You've done nothing wrong. This is not your fault. He is playing the fw bloody symphony. He repeating the nasty pattern of thousands of fws -the same cruel but utterly pathetic game, though like them all, he probably thinks he's special and unique.

Keep safe, lovey and hide your tracks on line so he can't take us away from you. We'll be with you all the way

The word Kill may just be a word but it is also a powerfully frightening and threatening word and taken as serious abuse by the police. In fact I think a threat to kill is criminal. So lovely, it's not "just words" (well obviously we hope and presume it is) but it's a very cruel and knowing intimidation tactic.

Thank you so much breathe for supporting me. It means so much that I'm not alone.

I feel very sad and know that I can't continue in this toxic relationship.

I will be back in the morning.

Thank you everyone xxx

Goodnight lovely lady and sleep well. Take care xxx

take care. we are here if/when you decide to go. rolling pins at ready. if you feel up to it report as it will help later if you need legal aid and also what silvery said.

Yes, agree with heg on the kitchen implement army being mobilised on your behalf and also logging it with 101 and having your number tagged as one to respond to asap if you call 999 even without saying anything. The police were discreet and helpful for me and when I asked one policeman what he would do if related to me, he said "I would say, come on you, you and you (ie me and dcs), you're moving in with me right now while we sort this out!" They are very much up with all the fw moves and pretty sensitive IME.

FFF I hope you are ok, hugs from me.

Today has been a bad day. Thank you for holding me up with kind posts, you've kept me going.

EXP's announcement that he's going to move in with my old school friend (who he insists is just a friend- whatever), has been really hard to deal with.

We told DS (6) tonight that Daddy is going to live elsewhere. He was very upset, and a bit confused. We told him together, and managed for once to act as a team to break it to him gently, and explain things without blame. I'm going to tell his teacher tomorrow morning (deep breaths). What should i say to her? I'll be so ashamed if I cry in front of her.

I'm full of guilt that we've broken up his world. We both told him its ok to feel sad, angry, whatever he needs to feel- he did cry but then pulled himself together and it broke my heart to see him trying so hard to be brave and not show his feelings- he's only 6, he doesn't have to hide his feelings but he seems to want to .

EXP is packing and leaving tomorrow. I said he doesn't have to take everything, but after tomorrow he will need to check with me before coming to the house. He is asleep on the floor downstairs. It's a horrible admission but I find it is bizarrely comforting to know that he is here, with us, asleep downstairs. Tomorrow he will be gone forever- that feels huge.

verygently well done for getting through yesterday and hope today is bearable. I know it is tough. Sorry I haven't had a chance to pm you yet, but sounds like you both handled telling ds well.

No-one knows my back story well, but I have come on here for a rant. I have reached the end of my tether this morning I think and cannot stop crying, good job kids are at FWs.

I have been looking for a new house as I can't afford the rent in the house I shared with FW. I have found one just in time, it is pretty horrible to be fair and am moving areas away from ds school, but I had to take it as was having problems securing a tenancy elsewhere being a working single Mum . I went out to celebrate last night for a drink and FW set another of his poison emails, I really should not have checked when I got home, don't know why I did.

I have asked him to only contact me by email since he started being a FW by every media he could get his hands on, but now he just sends me poisonous email after poisonous email. He is obsessed with money and possessions since we split, and has only now after 7 months reluctantly offered to pay me £60 a month maintenance which is half the kids childcare bill after child tax credits cover the bulk of it. This email was asking for my bike back, it was a gift from him, so he can sell it. Also asking me for £120 I withheld from a sum of money I paid him back when he moved out for bills and rent he had overpaid due to moving out halfway through the month. The £120 was half the childcare for 2 months. Also accused me of sponging off the welfare state when he works hard to pay for his family home (he works full time and pays rent on a house he can barely afford right by the school with a gorgeous garden. Has DC 1.5 nights a week on average although I have offered him more. I work part time over 4 days and get a top up with tax credits/hb). He refers to the benefits I get as "our money" and thinks I should give him a share as he has the children to stay too. He refuses to let the children bring home any toys or presents from his house as he views them as his things, not the chdren's.

This man is so bad with money it is the most astounding financial fuckwittery I have ever seen and when we were together prided himself on his generosity and used to take the piss out of his brother and Dad.for being tight. The rest of his email was just his normal manipulative victim bollocks.

I have had enough today. My abusive grandfather is dying of Pneumonia and TB, I am moving somewhere I hate, I can't sleep and I can't deal with his shit too. Half of me thinks I should just ignore the email, the other half of me wants to dump everything he has ever given me on his lawn, including engagement ring, and just tell him to sell it all for whatever he can. It would be very satisfying but would probably be used as further proof of what an abusive, unhinged crazymaker I am.

FFF hugs to you this morning.

Thanks for helping me through last night.

I have hardly slept. Am in spare room. He hasn't got up yet - he leaves at 7.30 for work. I still feel sick.

My overnight bag is in the ensuite bathroom so he will probably get annoyed again this morning with his warped mind. DS 18 here.

What a mess!

very - good luck today with speaking to the teacher xxxxxxx
Babyseal - sorry your fw is being a fw. Hugs to you xxxxxx

very My 6yo changes regularly about his feelings - one minute he is sad, the next he is engaged in telly, the next he is laughing and silly, then maybe sad again another time. I think it's normal for the age - it's confusing adn they don't really know what to feel, they tend to just react to the moment and deal with it little by little.

I told DCs teachers that EH & I had separated and that I just wanted to let them know so they could support the DCs if they had any difficulty coping during school hours. I explained that they seemed to be doing well, but that they may struggle for awhile. I just asked them to let me know if there were any problems. I didn't go into details other than that.

very, I was worried about the unknown and just about the finality of it when EH was no longer sleeping here at night. I've adapted to it now and feeling more relaxed about it.

babyseal First of all, in regards to your FW asking for the money and the bike and part of the benefits, there is really only one thing you have to say: NO. You are not required to explain or justify it. It's a well discussed statement on Mumsnet, but you must remember "No." is a complete sentence. It doesn't require anything else. It's hard, I know, because we're used to feeling that we have to justify everything we do, but you don't!! You just don't!!

If he's working FT, £60 is pretty low for child maintenance, so you can always calmly remind him that if he is not happy with your financial arrangements that you can request child maintenance through CSA and see how much THEY recommend. And any benefits you get in your name (including child benefit) are YOURS to use for the children. End of.

Not much you can do about toys or presents from his house staying at his. It's his right - and to be honest, it's easier that way for you anyway. If they brought things home from his, you'd be getting regular complaints from him about them forgetting it at yours or it getting damaged (and him demanding you replace it!). This way, it's strictly there at his place, and you are in no way responsible for it. Just explain gently to the dcs that it's best to keep the toys and presents he gives them there at his so they are available to them when they are there.

As far as the poisonous emails are concerned, print off a copy, highlight anything that is actually important (which I suspect is probably not much of it), and ignore the rest. Keep them all in a folder for future use, in case anything has to go to court. But please remember, he can ask for money and stuff that is yours, but you do NOT have to give it to him. Just. Say. No. Think of the happy feeling you'll get just sending back a one word email "No."

FFF your overnight bag is packed. I don't recall the specifics but is there any reason you can't just leave? Or put his stuff outside while he is at work and start your bid to freedom? Or is this a really bad time?

I'm just worried about him commenting about killing you, as well as you feeling scared.

My ex (not EH, but ex from previous relationship many years ago) was acting very oddly and aggressively before we split up - when discussing it with a police friend, including some of his specific actions, the police friend said flatly "he was planning on killing you. Can you really not see it?" That's something that happens in movies and to other people on the news, not me. But no... bad things can happen. Don't ever underestimate people in that regard. If you don't feel safe, consider getting out - going somewhere that you do feel safe.

I agree with those saying ring police and let them know, so if they get an open 999 call from you, that they have this info to respond quickly. This also means if you ring 999 but can't speak, and they ring back and speak to FW, they will still come out and check even if he picks up and says "oh, no, it was a misdial, everything is fine."

Thanks Alice, really good advice, I think I do always try to justify myself to him and then whatever I say is used against me. I will reply regarding access weekend issues brought up in the email, and a curt No to the rest of his requests. His bitterness astounds me sometimes, and his evident inability to take any responsibility for his part in us breaking up.

I would rather not have toys /gifts from his house here, but am fed up of ds coming back from time at his Dad's feeling sad because Daddy has threatened to never give him a present again if he wants to bring it to mine to play with, or not letting him bring back toys he has taken there from here. Does he not see his bitterness is going to damage the dcs as well as me and him?

So tired this morning, had about four hours sleep and have a busy, stressful day at work to get through. FFF can you leave the house before your FW emerges?

very so sorry that you had to go through that, at the image of your DS trying to be so strong... but it sounds like you handled it well and in a way it is good to get it out in the open. Now that DS knows, you can move forward together and you won't feel like you are keeping any secrets from him. It will get easier... good luck this morning at school.

FFF that is terrible. Just awful and a clear-cut case of abuse, I hope you report what happened to the police to get it on file, then speak to WA to make a plan as to what you are going to do. Hope you are OK this morning, hope DS is OK as well.

babyseal your ex sounds utterly unbelievable and petty in the extreme. I really don't think you 'owe' him those things, it may be better not to rise to the bait? I mean, how can he ask for 1/2 month's rent back if you didn't agree it beforehand?? If you 'pay up' now it may set a precedent, where he thinks in his tiny petty mind that you DID owe it to him. Well done on finding the new flat! don't let him spoil it.

Very ds's teachers were great when I told them, I was very nervous about it but they took it all in their stride, were very helpful and I felt very relieved once they knew and were able to keep an extra close eye on ds's emotional welfare when I wasn't there.

babyseal nope. He probably doesn't see the damage it will do - even if he did, would he care? If you head off the requests by the dcs by telling them ahead of time that that stuff stays at FW's place, then they know not to ask and less damage done. It may take awhile for them to get used to, but they will. It will actually cause less friction in the long run IMO. The last thing you want is constant contact from FW saying "you owe me ££ for this, and I want you to bring X item back to my house right now as DC took it back to yours..."

He will never take any responsibility for his part in the split - none of them will. As much as I would love to hear it, I have to accept that part of his problem is that he won't accept responsibility for his actions. Otherwise, I'm just beating my head against a wall.

Alice at what your police friend said.

babyseal what a FW. Alice is right just say No. and consider CSA. he is trying to take money from his children. you get the benefits because you claim them. that is the way it works.

very hugs. kids are resilient. just give him the chance to talk when he wants to.

I have received text message this morning from h.

Reads ' I don't know what is happening to us but it appears u aren't in love with me anymore. I still love u. I wasn't bothered about yesterday until u wouldn't tell me what u have been up to. I feel sick and upset and hardly slept.

My reply - I told u exactly what I had done yesterday u chose not to believe me. Am sick of how u treat me. U grabbed and scared me over something that is in your head

Him- I don't get why u won't talk. I am abs fucking shattered and u couldn't give a shit how I feel. Will my life change if I was living on my own. You ask DS if he has had good day not me.

Thoughts anyone please. It's so tiresome.

FFF I am sending you lots of strength this morning, sorry to hear about last night. FWs are very hard to convince of anything other than their own thoughts and if they think it, it must be true .

Handholding for very - I know it musn't be easy for you and I hope your DS is ok today.

In other news, I haven't heard from ex-FW in a week and

I've had a tattoo. (My first).

FFF I don't know what to make of that it's exactly the thing FW would have sent me. It's word salad really, no wonder you are confused. It's constant table turning.

fff so sorry your going through this... that is blatantly a threat,aimed indirectly so that if you say he threatened youhe could say no i didnt its just a saying, your crazy i cant believe you could accuse me of such a thing how could you etc etc etc

classic twister. hope your ok xx