Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

honey the demand man. or Mr hard-done-to.
his middle name was 'what is in this for me?'

Quick question ladies. Which Lundy book is it that has helped you?

It's 'Why does he do that', very.

start, you must be furious. What are you going to do?

forsale - glad you are back home and safe now, hope DD isn't too poorly.

peg is now heg
think I might dye my hair pink tonight. been threatening for long enough.

Do it heg/peg! You know, the Irish love a pink-haired ladeeeeee....

"Mr. Right?He considers himself the ultimate authority on every subject under the sun; you might want to call him ?Mr. Always Right?. His superiority is a convenient way for him to get what he wants. When he is arguing with you about conflicting desires, he turns it into a clash between right and wrong or between intelligence and stupidity. He ridicules and discredits your perspective so that he can escape dealing with it."

I think the woman who wrote this has met my husband. I actually call him Mr Always Right to his face.

I've been doing lots of reading and have ordered a couple of books on detachment and dealing with an alcoholic spouse. Having a peaceful afternoon with the DC just hanging out while fuckwit watches stupid reruns of stupid star trek in the living room.

heghog, bright pink? Very brave! Let us know how it goes! Thanks for the perspective. I know I'm not an idiot, no matter how often I am told I am. I'm not a c*nt either. Or fat. Or socially inept. Or fucked up (any more than most!). Or mentally ill. Or boring.

Feel much better now thanks for listening ladies, perhaps I'll come back and hang out again here for a while as it does help with clarity and support.

i ordered the lundy book, i read a paragraph from it and im nodding away like churchill already

'the victim' describes my ex impeccably. his ex stopped him seeing his dd cos of his abusive ways but hes always acted like the broken victim. now hes doing the same with me. bleating 'shes stopping me from seeing my baby for no reason' and not telling his pals what hes done.
conveniently.

when my dcs dad was alive we went through a rough patch and separated for a short while. but we still stayed amicable and he saw his kids daily and came to antenatals with me. so if i was that selfish then, by my ex's logic, i wudve done it to him too.

hes so full of turd. he threatened court and social services before we even split, then when i wouldnt take him back, he made the malicious ss report. and when ss realised what he was up to, and took no action, he put on the victim act. 'i love her so much how could she do this to me?' 'i dont kno what i did to deserve this' 'fucked over, yet again, by yet another bitch'

its so hard not to get wound up by it. after months of pure hell he gave me, people feel sorry for HIM! but when he saw me face to face, and i was alone, out spewed the abuse again. then goes back to his friends bleating 'she said... she did....'

sorry for the huge post there... just makes me so frustrated xx

honey86 don't kid yourself - his family may have blinders, but his friends will begin to notice a pattern - ALL his ex's can be that way. HE's the common denominator, and they will see it eventually.

start can you copy the statements online to a file so you have it? perhaps email it to a secure email that he can't access so it's safe, in case you need it for proof in future

It's been just over a week now. Yesterday the dcs were rather wild, I think because they had visitation the previous day and it was stressful for them. A week without them, only visiting for a few hours, and still I had to tell him a couple times to calm down and stop getting cross with the dcs.

I went to have coffee with a friend (who also split from her partner due to same reasons within the last couple months) and chatted for awhile. It was nice to get her input and support, and also to see that she and her dcs are happy and doing fine, so it reminds me that we will be fine too.

Hi All,
I've missed quite a bit of this thread so am trying to catch up. We had lots of family events over the weekend and nsdh was being relatively nice. Then this morning he threw a massive tantrum and stormed out . . .of course when I next saw him he was acting as though nothing had happened
I tried to call a solicitor today but work was so busy I kept being interrupted. However I am going to do it this week (and if I don't then please feel free to send me stern-faced smileys).
Now, I'm off to scroll back and see what I've missed.
Alice well done on reaching and passing the one week anniversary of your escape to freedom.

My FW is a mix of The Demand Man and The Victim. I stupidly believed his version of events over the break up of his first marriage and can see now that it must have all been a crock of shit as it's all happening to me now. I'm throwing everything away, he was a good husband/family man apparently. Him him him.

OMG Mr right with various others throw in. I've lost count of the times we've had the conversation...
FW: Why do you not believe me? You treat me as if I know nothing!
Me: it's not that I don't believe you, it's just that I don't agree with you. There is a difference between opinion and fact.
FW: You treat me as if I know nothing.
Me: I don't . That's your opinion, which you're entitled to, I have a different one which I am also entitled to.
FW: You're out of order. You patronize me and try to make me feel like an idiot. I'm not stupid I see what you're doing rant rant rant
Repeat over and over until he starts breaking things and then decide just to agree with him.
Aaaaargh so glad i'm divorcing him!!!

Nothing kicks me into gear more than irritation at someone else's behaviour. And EH and SIL have been making veiled comments (not so veiled tbh) on FB, even though it was agreed not to discuss there. That and a couple other things that I cannot go into (again, for fear of outing) that have slammed things right into perspective for me.

I am going to do all the things I've been wanting to do, fix up and decorate in the house that I've been wanting to do, and feel good about myself (here comes the breakup haircut, right? actually it'll probably just be hair colour! lol).

Who was it that said something about best revenge is living well?

My ex was the demand man (Emotional support, sex with little reciprocation, Domestic demands, financial) giving nothing back, The Victim, The player with characteristics of the Drill Sargeant, Occasionallly breaking out the water torturer, the terrorist and Mr Right. I almost got a full house there. And yet here I am missing him hoping he'll realise the error of his ways. Hurry up butterfly metamorphosis!

Yes yes to living well being the best form of revenge Alice. I have blessing for my tattoo from my dad, I don't want the hair cut which is a good job as that would break my dad's heart.

Using FB to air dirty laaundry, how mature

, so much fuckwittery on here. If I miss anyone, I am sorry.

forsale, that is tough. My dad was an alcoholic, I grew up with what you describe, it is horrible. There is nothing in the world you can do, and it is not your fault. It will not get better, unless he seeks treatment and stops, and in the meantime, you and dcs life is disappearing. I remember asking my dad to stop (in my early 20s) because I wanted him to be alive to be part of my grandchildren's lives. But that is not how it works, they need to want to do it.

start, financial abuse. FW also stashed money whilst I was running an overdraft. A good friend of mine said that someone who is mean with his money is mean with his feelings. Keep copies of the statements and make sure, when it comes to it, you have a good lawyer. I chose not to fight for any money, but if you have given up work, you will have to. You partly earned it whilst supporting him.

heg, I think you are right to break things down, one step at a time, do what you can manage, even if it means some issues are on the backburner for now. To the point of it never having happened, yes agree, but dcs aside, if I look back at the perfect storm, to use your phrase, I am not sure that I would ever have had a healthy relationship, being such an approval seeking people pleaser. If I look at all that went on, how destructive it was, because i did not know when and how to say no, it almost seems inevitable.

I also struggle with the domestic abuse label, I am not sure about that, but I am still being bullied, or he is attempting it, and I can look back and see the dynamic, and it was not pretty. The point is the extent to which it must have been calculated. The point about dcs having to put up with it too is right, it is one thing I have wondered.

Arrived home from our break. I'm actually glad that P isn't here, (at s competition away), but unless he's found somewhere to go he will be back on Thursday.

I will try to catch up on the thread this evening.

I keep reading the thread in relationships where people are responding to being asked about the effect of their parents splitting up- its making me so frightened about the effect this might have on DS. I can see that many are horribly affected by their parents behaviour post-split, and I will do all I can to minimise this. But still, reading the thread makes me feel so guilty and worried for DS. Sorry if this is not what people want to hear....

Alice, I took myself off FB several months pre-split. We were there as married with photos and it seemed very false. I just deleted my account. There were other reasons, but that was one of them.

Break-up hair cut, plan of what you want to do. One of the best things counsellor said was that all the emotional energy which goes into justifying myself or being anxious about him/how he will respond is energy which takes me away from reaching my own goals. It is really hard as he can quite easily draw me right back in and even though I can better stand my ground, i still feel sick and stressed about it. I have notes around the house now telling me not to get involved. I also have a line from sol to use, which I won't put here. I am hoping it will seep in. But it is early days for you, and it takes time. Stay strong.

maybe ask them on the post split thread what they would have liked their patents to do and then do your best to for that. as much as one person can without counting on the cooperation of the other parent.

Interesting, honey - mine is a mix of the same four: Victim, Water Torturer, Demand Man and Mr Right.

DCs were indeed at school today - they slept very late this morning and I had to wake them (almost two hours after their usual waking time, so I suspect last night was not the only short night) but got them to school on time (phew!). Some frayed tempers this evening, understandably.

Counselling appointment: weeeell! He did me a favour: he described how he would lash out at me (verbally) when he was stressed with work and I thought how textbook that sounded. I forget that he can be aggressive, mainly because it just seems normal, and he helpfully reminded me.

Then I played bingo for a bit: he thinks I'm mentally ill because splitting up with him is so irrational - there's one I never expected to cross off my chart; I was open-mouthed.

The counsellor pulled him up on a few things like blaming me, saying I'm leaving him because of a couple of isolated incidents, saying I've never explained why it's over - although he just told her that wasn't what he'd said and rewrote the conversation to suit himself (narcissist!!) so that she was the idiot for suggesting it. But I got the impression she'd fallen for his story that I was a bit of a wimp who'd never really stuck up for myself. I wonder sometimes if that's right - but only really because I never got anywhere. I know I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall repeatedly, but I forget details to "prove" to him that I did try. I know, there's no point anyway.

So, that's counselling done. He left with the firm message that separation is happening and he needs to come to terms with it. And maybe it was worth it just for that. To hear it from a third party, not me, and therefore have to give it some weight.

very, if you wish I can recount the effects of my dysfunctional two parent household upbringing, which led me into one abusive relationship after the other till I realised the pattern. It damaged me to the extent that I still cannot even read the Stately Homes thread and that I am no longer in contact with my parents. I can also tell you the effect of FWs bullying on DD and how I got a happy home back after he left. There is a review of the evidence somewhere, which I will try to look out, basically concludes that it is family function, not family form, which is a predictor of child wellbeing and outcome. The majority of children accessing mental health services come from dysfunctional two parent families.

The other point is that it is counter factual at an individual level to presume your life would have been better if your parents had not divorced, you cannot possibly know. It is like I just had the realisation that, while I have long presumed my childhood would have been happier if my parents had split, I realised I cannot know that. My mother was emotionally abusive and emotionally neglectful, actually, I increasingly believe that was how she was, not that she was like that because she was unhappily married. Ditto my father who was an alcoholic.

A long and circuituous way of saying, you judge your own situation on its own merits, and you do your best to support your dcs, come what may.

I live with a lot of Mr Right, a bit of water torturer and a little bit of the Drill Sargent (although the obsession is more about what I eat/wear/looklike rather than how long I'm at the shops for)

sweetpeasunday My parents would never have considered splitting up, however, I've always wondered what type of relationship they really had. My father was EA and bullying in many respects, while my mother can be quite manipulative (although is that a side effect of his behaviour? I don't really know). There was also PA growing up. Both sets of grandparents were strict and not very demonstrative, so it stands to reason that my parents were not either. I can see major similarities between DF and EH now, although they weren't apparent years ago. So, 2 parent household upbringing here as well, but similarly dysfunctional. Every one of my siblings has been in abusive relationships in one form or another, so I would say there is some type of correlation there.

Charlotte so that's good though, right? He gets it now?

He's heard it now, let's say. We walked home with him still repeating, "What I still just don't understand is..." But yes, it's good. That stage is done - I feel like I can speak to him now without him misinterpreting it as a wish for reconciliation. I may live to regret that, though...

What isn't so good is his "fear" that it'll damage the dcs. Big sighs and "I just hope it won't screw them up" type comments to the counsellor. And "But what'll I say if they ask why? Mummy wants to leave and I don't know how to convince her how much I love her!"

Oh, he is sooo the Victim!

very I understand your concern re: the effect on DC of divorce. However I do think these relationship boards do tend to be biased towards the worst. ie those in happy relationships or with happily divorced parents are not attracted to write here. Otherwise you would think the majority of men are abusive, serial cheaters, addicted to porn women haters. And I don't think that is the case although often it feels like that at the mo

There are many young adults that I know with divorced parents who have grown into well adjusted normal people. And like sweetpea says I'm sure there are plenty of damaged people living in a 'normal' 2 parent family.

Still tough though, having to find the words :(

charlotte I'm shocked that your FW even thought about returning the DC so very late on a school night! Yay for making it through the counselling and standing your ground (I feel like a wimp who let him walk all over me too - in fact I think I'd learned that he was never going to listen so there was no point in trying to get my point across). Onwards and upwards now