Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Charlotte I have discussed DA with my 6th formers even though I am supposed to be teaching them A level French and one girl didn't realise that women could be raped by their husband-"Because it's your husband!"

Still getting FWery here even ethough it's been 8mths nearly since I left. His house was like a total hovel and he has had to clean and tidy it from top to bottom for a mortgage valuation and today told me it wasn't just a few months' dirt, it was years of grime. Implying I didn't keep the house clean. So many things about that statement that make me want to run him though.
Also referring to my rented house as my 'passion pad' . I'm not even anywhere near wanting to start dating again.

Sadly just because you are out doesn't mean that the EA stops...or the need to be supported through it. It does mean that you have some freedom to see it and process it though.

Holiday achieved, only mild interference from EX. returned to solicitors letters !!!!!!!! He's finally responded, but not well. So I'm off to do some processing of my own.

love to all. And will catch up properly over the weekend.

Back to earth with a bump then, fool? Hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Hi seal, forgot to say welcome. Or welcome back, whichever feels more appropriate!

Sweaty palms and I can't breathe properly as I need to phone FW... During the ranty call yesterday he said everything he's agreed to so far he'll go back on. Not sure what specifically, but on Wednesday I have an (expensive) appointment with my solicitor to draw up a consent order based on what we have agreed. Clearly irrelevant if he now won't sign it.

...and I know he's even more cross now. DD is on half term, I couldn't get today off work, so was working from home, with a shocking amount to do. DD had an invite to a friends house which I gratefully accepted so she wouldn't get bored. The invite ended up being all day 10-4.30 and I said that would be brilliant, and DD was over the moon. Didn't mention to FW as I didn't think it was important. But DD just phoned him to say good night and he gave her the third degree about where she'd been, what she'd done, why she'd gone there all day, and why she hadn't gone to spend the day with him instead! I just know he's really hacked off that I didn't give him the option. But she's been with him for the whole of half term since Monday morning - what's wrong with her going to play with a friend?! So nervous

lasinge I feel for you with the house cleaning comments. They really get my goat. They are of no consequence - ignore.

babyseal hello you're amongst friends if you're feeling pathetic, I think we all feel embarrassed and pathetic with what we put up with at times. My patheticness has just forced me to eat far too many cookies, I can only dream of losing 2 stone!

Hi everyone, the thread is moving too fast for me to keep up with. So a quick welcome to newcomers, sorry you are here, though.

bounty, the thing that strikes me is this - he is away Mon to Fri. How do you feel when he goes and then when you know his return is imminent, and how would you feel if he was there every day? Listen to your body, your physical feelings, not your mind which tries to rationalise it.

Alice and I think peg said it too, about whether they have just got what they wanted. I am actually really begining to wonder that, but time will tell.

Had a really good talk to my DSis who made me see sense - ignore his rant, go ahead with the consent order. In that case I have no need to ring him at all. Sooo much more relaxed, she's right, phoning him just lets him know he's got to me. Thank god for sensible people who can see through the fog!

Your sister beat me to it! There is no discussing this stuff with them, solicitor is the way to go, imhe. Luckily I 'only' had to deal with finances, not contact, as DC are young adults. (My sol was brill, btw, especially at the meeting in which we settled)

Hi everyone.

DS and I have managed to get away to the coast for a few days. I'm still feeling sad and wobbly but goodness me it really helps to be away from P and away from the situation. Dreading going home as I know the sadness will close in on me again , and I somehow have to live with P in my very small house until he finds somewhere to go. I know it will be easier when he goes (he said in about 2-3 weeks), but I also know I will probably fall apart.

alice glad today bought good news. Your wobble sounds totally justified, it must be hard coming to terms with the lack of companionship and it is something I know I will miss especially in the evenings when, with a small child asleep upstairs it isn't possible to get out there and do something for yourself.

I also think (as a few of us have mentioned today), that dealing single handedly with DC day in day out, while H is free to do whatever takes his fancy is a bitter pill to swallow. I would never ever want to be the NR parent, but I do think pulling yourself out of the aftermath of a breakup is hard when you can't 'get out there' and find yourself again because you have to be at home with the DC. Given the chance I would have an army of babysitters so once DS was asleep I could do night classes, see friends, go walking, to the gym etc etc- in reality it will be me and the TV night after night after night while P has lots of fun, freedom and swiftly finds a new partner.

funny so sorry to hear you have been feeling very anxious today. I hope getting out for coffee helped a little.

Welcome baby, there are loads of hands to hold yours here. I've only been on the thread 3 days, I'm so grateful for the support I've received, it's really helped me to cope.

noregrets I hope your call wasn't too awful? I'm seething for you that FW threatens to back out of agreements you've made when you are about to see your solicitor in order to act on them. Sounds like you can't trust him to stick to anything. Re. the playdate situation, it's lovely for kids to play with friends and it was absolutely right that DD accepted the invitation. For FW to suggest otherwise is not putting DD's needs first. She was right to go, end of.

Crikey what a mammoth post .

Wishing everyone a peaceful night.

hey lesinge - is he actully blaming himself for not having done any housework in all those years (lazy fucker! One of the prime red flags of any FW I reckon! does nothing). Thats probably what he was meaning isn't it, as obviously housework does fall solely to one person in any real world expectations, so he can only have been implicating himself

FFF that sounds horrible, I hope getting out helped, soothing drinks very helpful... coffee with anxiety, both double the effect of the other. Hope you managed to get some good rest last night and have a better day today.

Welcome babyseal all we can all hope to do is get as much distance from it as possible! Any contact normally brings further FWittery, any small window, any contact, is all an opportunity for the psycho's to wheel out the next abusive vent, to enjoy more exciting moments of pain inflicted on others.

I feel like I'm really getting a handle on this! , I used to think FWs weren't aware, or didn't care so much about the effect, but I am converted to the idea that it is all controlled to cause maximum impact (and thrill for them - psycho!) that tempers are completely controlled too (as evidenced by Police/ other events that see temper completely evaporate into thin air in a split second!).

wise sage DSis noregrets !

Good to hear you had a good holiday Fool bit grrr that you had to experience even mild interference, goood luck with your own processing, and to getting your fair deal.

Very glad yo managed a break, gives you some more energy hopefully to just hang on in there now for the final furlong

love to all xxx (sorry for any missed )

Oh this is so hard. My mum and her OH are away with us (their holiday home). She can be very controlling and difficult.

It's been ok so far as I've 'behaved' but this morning I asked her to stop asking DS to smile- he was being grumpy because he wanted a biscuit and I'd said no. I prefer to let him be grumpy for a bit, and leave him to it. She was 'bribing' him to smile, it felt like she was just trying to make herself feel better IYSWIM.

As soon as DS was out of the way she started at me- saying her and her OH were terribly worried about DS, that I'm smothering him, that he has lost his sparkle, that I let him use baby talk (I am trying to stop this). I asked her to leave me alone, said I'm trying my best and had a lot on my plate (she knows about P).

Then she said no wonder P and I have problems if that's how I speak to people and that just because I'm struggling there is no need to take it out on her.

I've crumbled a bit (a lot), this has really wobbled me. I'm trying my best with DS, trying to be brave..... I want to call P, tell him about this, have a hug from him to make it feel better- but I can't because he's leaving me. TBH even before I might not have got much support, he struggles to understand how I let my mum upset me so much.

I'm sorry for the rant. Feels good to write it down, especially as there's no one IRL who would 'get it'. Stuff with my mum always sounds so trivial when I try to explain it out loud.

I feel quite alone, I have no siblings, P and I are separating, I have some lovely friends but I don't want to keep leaning on them (and I find the 'mum stuff' hard to articulate),

I probably shouldn't have come, there was always a good chance mum would get to me .

Oh, very, that does sound difficult. You can't lean on your P for support and you can't rely on your mum either! Fwiw, it doesn't sound trivial to us, because we know how "death by a thousand cuts" feels.

Listen to your own feelings. Are you worried about DS? If you're not, then mentally thank her for her input and file it for future reference. If you are, don't let her convince you you're the problem when you are the solution. You are consistency and love for your DS, important enough at any time and more so at the moment.

It's not your fault that you and P have problems - and all you were doing with your mum is policing your boundaries. That's healthy and assertive, which should not be a problem in healthy relationships!

It's not the same as rl support, but you have us - come and offload any time you need to.

very Do you think that your P doesn't understand how wound up you get because he is used to being in control, so doesn't understand your viewpoint? Just wondering.

Nothing wrong with asserting yourself calmly and firmly in families. Some family members, however, don't always take it well. That doesn't mean it's wrong - it means they don't take criticism (or suggestions) well. That's THEIR problem, not yours.

Just finished today's meeting with H for him to visit with the DCs. It went okay, but it did confirm for me that we shouldn't be living together. I won't go into details, but it actually put my mind at ease a bit. So I'm feeling better again today. Still a bit sad over the whole situation, as I know come Monday I'm going to have to tell the school personnel and sort a few details with them. I just want to move on to when it's not news and I don't have to talk about it with people face to face.

very I had big blow out at my mum for not being supportive. it is her it is not you.

so I have been resting Lundy. it nicely validate the reasons I gave FW for ending it. that at the root of everything he does not think I am his equal or that I deserve to be treated like an actual real.person because I am a woman he thinks he is better that me.

He denied this but actions speak louder than words.
it took me do long to realise this though because of the disconnect between what he said he believed and what he did. claimed to be all for equality. devoted father etc.

and after the root of it all he has a completely different set of right and wrong to me
he used to believe the most bizarre things were absolutely wrong but would happily do things other people would not consider. (it used to fascinate me that he was so different. idiot!)

and yy to his feelings being more important than anyone else's. and everyone having to know how he felt. oh yes.

but the thing that is not in the book, he does not reserve his temper for me. he will quite happily turn on just about anyone. not generally violent to me but got in a lot of fights when younger. the only thing likely to stop him was thinking he would get beaten.

so other than that aspect, much head nodding.

reading not resting.

Hope Lundy has helped peg.

I'm having to do lots of reading as struggling a bit today. I had a rudey dream about fw and I miss sex with him so much and the notion that OW is getting that is heartbreaking. Why couldn't his contact have been nice and hoovery instead of hate filled? Feel bit bored and lonely, hopefully will feel better when I see my sister next.

pegwin thats just how i feel. that i wasnt his equal n that hes better than me, cos im a woman n hes a bloke therefore i should just make him a sandwich and shut up and take his bullshit.

i do think im going to get lundy to have a read of, sounds like it drums it home nicely.

Well, today I was summoned to collect the dc at 9 as he wasn't feeling well enough to look after them.
Dropped ds off late afternoon to get dd's glasses and when I arrived back FW said ds had fallen asleep mid-story at half 3, so is sleeping there again tonight.
He still thinks he can try and call the shots though. Tried to get me to cook dd's dinner since I was there and later fetch her some other snack she wanted. I just sat there and told him it wasn't my house anymore. He didn't like it, but I am past the point of being ordered about. He made some remark about me being sat on my arse, which I ignored.

butterfly my life is much easier when he's not here :( If I couild just disappear one week and never see him again then I would take that option. I think it is so I don't have to see his hurt when I leave. Things are much clearer when he's not here.

Unfortanatley he is lovely at the moment. I mean really nice. Like when we first met. I think he knows I've reached breaking point so is reeling me back in. Like whoever said up thread I feel like I'm waiting for the next blow-up for permission to leave. I feel like if I go now when he#s being ncie then it puts me in the wrong. I know that this doesn't make sense but it's what I feel.

Will catch up on everyone elses story soon but FW is here so trying to be discrete Really don't want him to find me here.

In my experience, there was a hard edge just underneath 'nice'. bounty, the question would be, in relation to niceness, are you compliant and doing what he wants, or is he also nice if you have a disagreement and do not do what he wants. That is one thing to consider, the weekends which went well here, we organised to his way of doing things. Where there was trouble was if I tried to assert my own wishes which meant altering his way of doing things. That was when the hard edge was visible. It is still there.

You cannot help how you feel, so no need to apologise. You will reach a point where things are clear all the time, though it will not necessarily be easier to act. As you know, you do not need permission to leave, so maybe it is about being sure you are doing the right thing.

Apologies for my earlier rant . I needed to get it out, and didn't know where else to 'go'. I've calmed down a lot now and I'm really grateful for the lovely support on this thread.

alice good to hear H's visit helped confirm things are moving in the right direction. I totally understand not looking forward to telling people, and being 'news'. Could you inform school personnel by letter, and maybe just speak to DC's teachers face to face if necessary?

Colin dream sounds torturous, as does thoughts of H and OW. I think someone suggested upthread that these awful thoughts might serve a purpose in processing things, all the same it sounds really tough. Do you have plans to see your sister soon?

Pegwin I'm glad Lundy is helping. Head nodding sounds affirming and good. I've got 'Should I stay or go* on my kindle, but daren't read it as P is going so I don't want my hopes raised that things could have been fixed- the decision is out of my hands.....

LaSinge, sounds like you did a great job standing your ground, hopefully he will start to get the message.

I've made it through another day . The prospect of telling DS (6) that Daddy won't be living with us anymore is haunting me, together with the after effects that this may have on him. Reading the accounts of MNers with divorced parents on another thread isn't helping. I honestly don't think DS has the foggiest idea that things aren't rosy at home, he's going to be confused and devastated I think. Absolutely dreading it.