Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ifeel adding to the list of people wishing you luck for tomorrow.

thatsnot definitely not a fraud, but reckon everyone on here knows where you're coming from. Conflicting feelings all over the place. And big fat NO you don't have to ask his permission before accepting invitations!

thatsnot and bounty and all sorts: I'm honoured, I've had no comment on my style of breathing. But i do apparently yawn like a donkey... Had a big big donkey like yawn the other day as he's no longer around. it felt very liberating.

bounty on FW not being as bad as some of the others in Lundy. Yet another bit of minimising. I did the same - pick and choose which bits to take notice of. But all of the behaviour in there is abusive - just because you don't hit the highest scales of FWs who have beaten their partners to a pulp doesn't make it any less relevant. Look at the effect it's having on you, rather than the behaviour, that always brought it home to me.

FW has hacked me off yet again. I really need to work out how to set up boundaries. He still comes round to do his washing, while I'm out. No warning, of course. Picked up DD this evening and he mentioned he'd been round... I said oh, I had some washing in the machine. Yes, he replied, I've dried it for you.

I've asked him not to do my laundry. He says I'm out of order for saying that, it's only what he's always done, so what's the problem. I didn't want to get into an argument in front of DD. We're separated! I think that's a pretty significant difference and it's a real invasion of privacy.

That's just one of many many examples. I'm progressing the divorce, and the financial settlement so that he no longer owns the house. i feel once all that is sorted then I can change the locks and he'll get the message. I feel powerless until then which I know is frankly pathetic! grrrrrr.

Colin you would NOT have him back, keep telling yourself that and you will come to believe it. You're lucky he showed his true colours now, rather than many more years down the line.

bounty I had the same reaction to Lundy. I was a bit about it and it made me waver so much I put the book away . I think I wasn't ready for it yet.

thats I don't think it's normal to have a tit-for-tat about social engagements or some sort of formula to ensure your dh/FW has a busy calendar too. As others have said, if there's no need to arrange childcare, then I'd make arrangements with friends without checking with dh. Ask yourself if your dh/FW makes arrangements without running them past you, or without arranging an alternative joint social arrangement. I'm guessing he probably does so he's just trying to control your time with friends and to make you doubt yourself.

Alice I'm glad it seems to be going smoothly.

Colin for you. You stayed strong when FW first left, honestly you should be proud of yourself.

Thanks, thats.

It's absolutely ok not to leave immediately. Lundy'll have plenty to say about that when you get to that bit of the book.

noregrets I'm a bit at him popping round to do his laundry. He really doesn't get bounderies does he. I imagine you really don't want him going through your underwear!!!!!!!!

thatsnot I like the plan. Maybe the doctor also said that lots of nights out with your friends would cure your breathing 'problem'

And thank you all, I am indeed enjoying night off no 1! Watching rubbish on tv with no-one around to suggest I do something more constructive. And I went for a lovely walk this afternoon which wasn't at child speed. Yippee! :o

Wow, noregrets I missed that bit about the laundry - that's infuriating! As you say, no concept of boundaries...

Aargh have just had a long phone conversation from FW who has clearly been drinking. Luckily I had a bit of paper to hand... I'm "absolutely pathetic and inexcusable" (I asked him not to do my drying) He will never ever ever give me any warning before he comes to the house, but in the future would like the washing machine to be empty. He demanded that I answer the question - why am I so feral and horrible (erm because I'm not...) If I want a battle I now have one. I'll not win, and he'll be on my case day in, day out for ever. He'll not stick to anything he's agreed to so far. I know what I've done (erm no I don't) and he wants me to stop it. He's asked me please please not to push him any more. He has a boundary and is begging me not to push him over it as he doesn't think he'll be able to stop himself. But he's not threatening me (erm...)

Bit shaky now. Will proceed to door bolting and hope that he's had sufficient to drink that he won't be able to drive here.

i got my copy of lundy from library today. bit worried about reading it. he has gone already. might just rake it all up. but i shall give it a go seeing as you all go all weak at the knees over st L. would not want to miss out

Amazing to read about others who have been made to feel the worst person in the world by their fw because they dare to meet up with friends without them in tow. I had become desensitized to it after two decades of never seeing friends or even my lovely sister (unless by chance we bumped into each other). It was only when very recently one of dc's friends expressed total shock when dc said I never met up with friends of my own that I started to really question it.
I miss having friendships but think the only way to do it was as suggested by an earlier post, say nothing to fw beforehand & spring it on him at the last minute.

noregrets have a handhold. What.A.FW. 'don't push me' - more FW bingo I think. Honestly the battle stuff, day in day out forever, you know what you've done...it's a script.

that's you're not a fraud. You know, I was in a relationship years ago that involved PA. I left MUCH MUCH sooner (still waited longer than I should have) - but left sooner because it was so much more clear cut. And tbh, H wasn't even subtle - he's the shout and swear when he is angry, and it can be at the drop of a hat for practically nothing. He never ever said I was fat or ugly or made those types of comments to me about how I did anything. But the shouting and swearing at me and the DCs was a daily occurrence, numerous times a day. I felt like it wasn't abuse because it wasn't physical like the relationship I had been in years ago. But it's really just the same shit, different approach. It all sucks.

bounty charlotte colin thank you yes total FW. He only moved out 2 weeks ago, we jointly own the house, which he believes means he has the right to come and go as he chooses. He's living in our caravan 2 miles away so has no laundry facilities. Very hard to set boundaries as he constantly says 'well I'll have to move home then' hence me cracking on with the divorce / buying him out. I fantasize about the day I can change the locks and stop setting lots of traps around the house so I can hear him coming if he turns up. And yes, thats I also feel like my situation is not that bad, he's never physically hurt me.

He did turn up at his exs house with a petrol canister when they were divorcing, bolt the doors and start sprinkling while the kids were still in the house... So he knows I know what he's capable iyswim.

Sadly too long ago, no-one got hurt, and it wasn't me. Not enough to get him out of the house properly.

Right I've stopped shaking I'll try and get my work finished now lols. Sorry feel like I'm taking up too much air space but really needed to get it out. x

Noregrets - shitting hell! A petrol canister? I think I'd be tempted to call 101 and just fill them in on what's happened so far, and the conversation you've just had, and the petrol, so that they can put you on the 'flagged for speedy response' list. Hope he just passes out in a ditch.

Re Lundy: I read it while I was still in. I saw FW in it, but didn't really take it in. It was too overwhelming at the time, I think. But when I reread it after I'd left (after I've was starting on the road back to me), I saw how bad he'd actually been, and how much I'd minimised and let just wash over me and just plain pretended was normal/ok. And that was overwhelming too, but in a different way.

I'm up for a bit of FW bingo tonight, if anyone else is!

Bounty- re Lundy. Omg yes I did exactly that.
I imagined that my husband would leap out of the page at me. There if course are elements on every page that are him.
He has been in a fair to good mood thus week. The last big blow up was 8 days ago. He does call me names and swears and tells me to fuck off. He throws objects and punches walks and doors when he loses it.

He is actually moody with everyone. He generally uses people for what he can get. If they are of no use to him then he doesn't bother with them.
He doesn't have many real friends.

If he hit me or had an affair it would be easy to leave for me.

I am waiting for him to have another blow out but in the meantime he is looking at booking a romantic weekend away. Then I feel really bad!
I do actually feel sorry for him.

Charlotte - glad u have had a lovely child free day.

No regrets- you are doing amazingly well x
P

pony that was his ex-wife, now about 18 years ago. I mentioned it when I called them out a couple of weeks ago, but I'm not too sure if they took any notice, it's so long ago. I should have said also - it turned out to be water not petrol, but his two girls still get upset when they talk about it now (and they're mid-20s), it scared the life out of them.

I never thought about telling 101 about the recent conversation. I've only ever called them once a couple of weeks ago, don't want to go running to the police every time he phones and rants? So hard to judge what is serious and what is not when you've lived with it for years.

pony absolutely to the reading Lundy back again and the shock as you realise. Bet if you highlighted just the relevant bits you'd be surprised...

What is this FW bingo I keep seeing mentioned?

Hi all .

So pleased to hear you've had a relaxed evening doing exactly what suits you charlotte.

thats I love your incorrect breathing scenario . I'm also so with you on worrying that I've not been subjected to 'proper' EA, feeling like a fraud and that I've made a fuss over nothing and I'm the one with the problem. Eg P has never had a problem with me socialising- he just always prefers socialising with his friends rather than me, takes no interest in socialising with my friends and always expects me to do the childcare whenever he goes out whereas if I want to go out I have to ask him to do bedtime etc. and it's like he's done me a huge favour..... The upshot being, he is out all the time with his mates, I'm home alone.

noregrets that is awful behaviour from FW. I hope you are ok?

I've had a sad day. I've been questioning myself, wondering if he is so bad, feeling guilty and worrying that I've been overreacting. P seems resolute that he is leaving and sad as that is if he is an EAbuser then it's probably for the best- but all of a sudden I feel doubts? He is most certainally spectacularly selfish though.

I suddenly wondered today if couples therapy would help us. I would definitely give it a try but it's really not his kind of thing. It was probably stupid but I texted him to see if he would consider it- he didn't reply which I guess speaks volumes . I know a text was cowardly but DS and I are away for a few days so it seemed like an ok thing to do.

TBH I've never understood his objections to therapy, but I've tried to respect his POV as everyone has the right to deal with things in their own way. But I am hurt and sad that he wouldn't want to try it- because that means he doesn't want make things work between us. Shouldn't come as a surprise really, but I'm always looking for a glimmer of hope.....

very thanks I'm OK now, but need to raise my guard again - emergency bag still at neighbour's house, keep a phone on me at all times etc etc.

Did you keep that list you were writing? I think you were up to number 31? Read it back and ask if you're genuinely overreacting. If P is in agreement to leaving, then run with it imo. It's likely just to be a ploy to get your sympathy, but ignore that. I always took the opinion that if possible we should split up when we were actually getting on rather than when things were awful.

No a text was not cowardly, reckon you're overthinking it because he hasn't replied. My FW also refused any kind of 3rd party intervention, and was very very angry that I'd suggested it, as it implied that I didn't know him at all.

noregret
that is so totally beyond fucked up.

very yy to childcare/enormous favor. still to this day he is apparently looking after my kids for me.

any zebeedee is going to waggle his moustache at me if I don go to bed. (for those of you born in the 70s )

noregrets it must be really tough and exhausting to live with an underlying fear of FW. You sound well prepared and very strong though. Thinking of you.

I've been rereading my list, which ended up at point 34 in the end. I can't objectively say if I'm overreacting because although he has done some awful things, I seem to be able to empathise with him, explain them away and make excuses. Eg he had a terrible gambling problem years ago, he lost tens of thousands of pounds, lied to me, refused to admit he has a problem. But after hitting rock bottom he attended GA, admitted his problem, apologised (a rare occurrence), I had forgiven him. So is it fair to put it on the list? He let me have a D&C on my own after a miscarriage, i drove myself, no visit, drive home the next day- but I did suggest I wanted to be alone because I was angry at his lack of support- so is it fair to blame him for letting me go alone?

I am confident he is a very selfish man, but I can't seem to see the EA objectively.

IFeel Good luck for tomorrow! May it be the start of something great

Thatsnot why should you be his social secretary? It?s somewhat of a pathetic admission from him; that he can?t arrange a life or friends for himself and quite a clue as to why he?s so controlling of you maybe? You clearly are his (unwilling!) conduit to a Life. I?m trying to think of a tactful way of saying ?fuck him? ? perhaps you can tell this is ringing uncomfortable bells with me too! You have every right to have a social life and he is probably quite jealous on some level that you have that capability. I know my fw is/was. (I?m in limbo) I agree with what Alice and charlotte have said.

Alice, glad your fw was being reasonable. I hope it lasts!

pegwin re long days without dcs ? absolutely!

Bounty and thatsnot re breathing wrong. I?ve had; ?stop having that expression on your face!? accompanied by physical intimidation when I don?t get rid of offending expression, according to him, meanwhile, I would be asking, panicked, ?what expression, I don?t know what expression!? Oh God what a fw. This was years ago. How sad that I was so soft and vulnerable and he got his rapier claws into me. Pratbum fw (am feeling pretty angry tonight!)

Bounty the subtle digs you describe are very debilitating, partic because they?re hard to put your finger on. But it is abuse. But even if it wasn?t, it doesn?t make us happy and we have every right to be happy (according to the normal world) (listen to me preaching what I cannot manage to practise).

Colin even if your high has worn off, I bet it?s bugging him that you seem to have no time for him. Keep strong, lovely.

Noregrets (I love your nn btw) ? what a fucking cheek re the washing . Can you put some red clothes dye into machine each time you go out? that you should bloody have to even consider this btw! And having read your next post, I am so and for you. What you wrote about what he said is an almost exact echo of what my ffw (he?s a fucking fuckwit now btw because I am having an angry day!) said to me when I escaped. Lots of bullshit. My sol comforted me somewhat by briskly saying that in his opinion it was all a lot of hot air and not to get too worried by it. He?s pushing your buttons, as they all know so well how to do, grrr [need emoticon of with steam coming out of ears] I hope you don?t feel too shaky and scared, you poor love.

pegwin at the weak at the knees, ha ha! St Lundy slaying the dragon!

no regrets sorry just read your more recent post and agree whole heartedly with pony about 101. That?s bloody awful.

Ahh pony the talk of ffw bingo and the thought of a wee tankard in the Vixens with you amazing, wonderful people has made me feel a bit less caught up in my fw-induced fury (funnily enough he?s not even being horrible atm, far from it, but I think since coming off the ADs, focusing on myself more with giving up meat and wheat (sorry, sounds barking I know, but bear with me) and exercising, plus work with counsellor and fw, has made me gain the righteous fury I wish I?d been able to access many years ago. Do I sound like a Country song, perchance by Dolly Parton? Sorry if so

Ahh long post but cathartic. I feel a bit less wound up now.

Ooooooh, the Righteous Furies - maybe they could play a set at the Vixens one night, they sound stomping!

I think your anger is totally understandable and a good thing, lovely breathe. It's what will carry you forward on the tough days like this. And it's good to vent it all out! Have a and settle down for some dirty-minded wotsits to relax.

FFF, what you describe is categorised by police as serious abuse, as I found out when I fled fw and filed my reports. We minimise, but if it was your colleague doing this, or a stranger, it would be easier to see for what it is ? appallingly abusive behaviour, intimidation through unspoken threats, name calling, swearing at you and kids. Mine is the same btw, though he?s moderating himself atm, which is infuriating, as he could have done this years ago and shows he wasn?t ?pushed over the edge? as it seems he can keep himself normal when he has to.

verygently I am sorry you?ve had a sad day. FWs never can handle therapy because it means looking at themselves though another?s eyes and them not being what they think they are. It is very difficult for us to overcome our natural tendency to be sympathetic and kindly; that?s what the fws play on . Hope you?re ok.

The Righteous Furies - pony I think we have ourselves a band!

breathe

And on that note, I have go to bed. G'nite one and all.