Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships:22

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Sending lots of love to all. I slept very badly last night. At work, but playing bingo...

I will do a proper reply later, just very strung out.

Colin. Stay strong. It's good that you are managing to work albeit playing bingo haha

Keep your chin up you are doing great x

I am reading Lundy again !!!!

Snoopy - Do you trust your solicitor? Is he/she experienced in cases involving DV? It is so frustrating when they charm everybody else, so everybody else thinks, Well, it's just her so she must be the one who has the problem. Er, no; it's just her so HE must just have the problem with HER!!!

honey - it's all such hard work, sometimes, isn't it? It'd be nice if people didn't judge, since we're not likely to share the details with everyone.

Ifeel - will CSA be able to help?

Fi - thinking of you.

Colin - hope you're feeling a bit better?

I sent dd3 off with the others with a cheerful wave; she was mostly excited and a little bit worried, so I think she'll be fine except maybe when she's tired. Anyway, that was over 6 hours ago and I'm marvelling at how long a day is! My "days off" which are only a recent thing have only been for school hours - it's going to feel weird being able to leave the house in the evening if I feel like it! I haven't had this amount of time off since dd1 was born, 9.5 years ago, except when I was ill (doesn't count!) or had to work (doesn't count!). I've suggested it to FW in the past, that he take the dcs on short breaks by himself, but always got so much emotional blackmail about how he'd enjoy it much more with me there that I always went. It was never relaxing - like normal life (ie FW absented himself most of the time) but without toys and familiar child-friendly locations.

FFf - he's good, isn't he?

Thank you all for the lovely welcome. I don't think CSA will be of much use as kids have all but left school now (two in Higher Education and my "baby" doing her A2s starting next week) This is the reason for shutting down my maintenance, despite the fact that I left work to look after the children so that he could continue building his, "hot shot" career jet setting all over the place and, when he lost his job, spent the next four years trying to help him set up his own business. I say trying because he used those four years to belittle me and undermine my confidence entirely finally being able to accuse me of being, "useless"

But now... Oh God! I can hardly believe it! After months and months of job searching and constantly being told I don't have enough up to date experience/references, someone has offered me a day's trial tomorrow!!! So nervous but wish me luck, please, lovely ladies?

CSA all the while kids in f/t education Ifeel Wishing you loads of luck for tomorrow..

thanks Charlotte x

can I ask for some advice here?

I cannot see things clearly now as I really believe I'm bamboozled by H's logic. He's had estate agents around today to value our house. I am getting a bit assertive with him, nothing big enough to push him over the edge, but just planting the idea that I do not want to be living in captivity with someone who is controlling and abusive.

Anyway, as an example of him being controlling I brought up the issue of his fury yesterday when I told him I was meeting up with girlfriends for a get-together lunch in a few weeks.

He says that he wasn't upset that I was going, he was just upset that I haven't arranged any dinner parties or get togethers for his/our friends, and that for every one thing I do without him there should be 3 things arranged that involve him (or revolve around him). He's twisted it around a bit as he was just upset generally that I was going.

It just got me thinking, does he have any sort of a point at all here? Should it have been opened as a discussion topic? basically I was invited and said yes without consulting him first. Is that what normal people do, or would they ask their partners to OK it before accepting? Gah. Spaghetti brain!

Just need to bide my time re: house sale, even though I like this house/area I don't see that I can keep it on my own so a bit lucky that it's his idea to sell... but what haven't told him that I have no intention of moving to the countryside with him, I'll just take my half of the proceeds and get my own place, that's my grand plan he is going to be FURIOUS though so cannot open discussions!

fabulous news re: work Ifeelsuchafool ! So pleased for you!

Getting a bit of work will do wonders for your self-confidence. I've just got some freelance work after 4 years out of the job market and it's so great to be appreciated.

can't he arrange some stuff thats? or does he?

I know the FW ex never arranged anything, only ever did the 'i've arranged to go here/there' out without you

couldn't he just say? can he just say now? In a regular relationship, if he hadn't wanted to say before now, he could now as its been discussed, but this; fury ??? completely out of order!

I reckon in the normal course of events, couples have their times together and other stuff always crops up that either wants to do, its just being respectful to each other, especially when there are children that one leaving assumes the other will do it all?

I guess look around at your friends... do they always commit straight away, or check out with their partner before commiting, in case of a clash, etc. ... but fury

Hi lovely ones,

Am on phone and on run but wanted to send love and support to all sufferers. Fairy, hope you got your appt lovey.

Chat later in Vixens! Xxx

meant to say, Ifeelsuchafool GOOD LUCK for your day tomorrow, I know it isn't always cut and dried but well done for getting that far- persevere, I had been looking for ages and getting no responses at all when something came along, I almost didn't chase it up as I was so demoralized.

Thanks Fi, no I don't think his was a normal reaction, my other friends arrange things all the time without their partners, and all our kids are old enough to be left alone! Its just that he cannot see it as such, and then if I complain that he never lets me go out with friends (it is true, he causes problems every time) he can turn it all back on me not arranging a social life for him (this is something he accuses me of all the time.) I might add, I do arrange things, they just tend to be with the same people and he wants me to make more effort.

charlotte so glad to hear you've got a few days to yourself! Yay! I'm sure they will all be fine, what a luxury you've got some time, I remember back when mine were little I craved 'me' time (never got it until they both started full-time school, but I only had 2).

thatsnotmynamereally

let's see... this: He says that he wasn't upset that I was going, he was just upset that I haven't arranged any dinner parties or get togethers for his/our friends, and that for every one thing I do without him there should be 3 things arranged that involve him (or revolve around him).

Complete and utter bullshit on his part. You don't count out "okay, I'm going out this day, so that's three get togethers I need to arrange involving FW" and "Oh, one day next week I'm having coffee with friend, so that's another three involving FW". That's not a normal reaction at all. I'd bet that he's just pulled that out of a hat as an excuse because you questioned him - either that or he figures you won't bother getting together with friends because you haven't arranged "his 3". The secret is not to tell him!! Spring it on him at the last minute just before you're leaving the house if possible. Or - better yet, plan an errand alone, then text him while you're out "Oh, bumped into friend, staying out for lunch, be back later!" Don't give him a chance to submarine it. And let him sort out his own social life. You're not his cruise director.

Ifeel Best of luck on your work trial!!

Charlotte enjoy your "recharge" time!! Do something nice for yourself!!

Fly hello! good to see you! hope you're doing well!

H came over today with MIL. He was pleasant, agreeable, picked up more of his things, and visited with the DCS, and then left after a coffee. So far, so good.

That sounds positive, Alice! Was he wanting to get out of the relationship anyway, do you think? He's being strangely agreeable!

Ifeel - hope tomorrow goes well. That's great that you've got that far with the work search - it's so demoralising while you're making no progress.

thats - your FW is doing the classic trick of deflection. You question his behaviour and quick as a flash he points the finger at YOUR behaviour and gets you to question it, which works so well (because you're normal and nice and upset by the idea that you might be behaving badly without realising it) that you forget your original point.

Your original point - that he reacted inappropriately to your news (he was angry because he was jealous; this is not how nice people think) - still stands. Do you find that he reacts with these blow-ups often? And unexpectedly? St Lundy has a brilliant (and pithy) insight on this: he is not abusive because he's angry; he's angry because he's abusive. In other words, the only reason he's feeling anger in this situation is because he thinks he has a right to demand certain behaviour of you.

What he says to you to confuse you is horrible - I probably think that because it's just the sort of spaghettifying BS that I get served at times. It has enough of an element of truth in it to make you doubt yourself and feel confused. Yes, it could well be true that many happily-married people organise more social events with their OH than without (availability permitting). But your FW has introduced a nasty little word "should". Do you think people do it from a sense of obligation? Fuck, no! They do it because they enjoy their OH's company!!

So if your FW is not happy with the ratio of events with him : events without him, then he'd be best off taking a good hard look at himself. But, of course, he's a FW - so it goes without saying that he's never going to do that.

Charlotte I honestly don't know. I think we both knew we were unhappy with how things were. We've both been a little tearful here and there, but agreed to make the best of things to make it easy for the DCs. So far he's been brilliant about it, so I'm not going to complain!

In other words, the only reason he's feeling anger in this situation is because he thinks he has a right to demand certain behaviour of you.

Charlotte's right. That's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

thats agree with all.of the above. if he wants a dinner party he can arrange one.
ex used to.pull the same nonsense with me.

best tactic is to say- brilliant idea re. dinner party. you go ahead and arrange it. does this day* suit and what are you cooking? it will be such s nice treat to see some friends and not gave to do the cooking.

you name a day* so that on age off chance he does do it he cannot deliberately arrange it for when you gave something on.

obviously this is not what i used to do
i used to say wtf. you want a night out you f^ing well arrange it fir a change i am not your slave nor your mum
that never worked very well

but if you did say the above, as in i have been thinking over what you said earlier etc. then he cannot complian if you go out and you might get a nice dinner party out if him.

but above all do NOT let him make you feel guilty for his fwittery.

and charlotte yes it is absolutely amazing how much day there is without dcs. makes ne wonder what i did before and shy i have no written a novel and built a house in all that time.

enjoy

Ifeel fingers crossed from me for tomorrow. Sometimes things do seem to fall into place as you need them

thatsnot apparantly I breathe wrong too . I've been told that I need to go and see a Dr about it (despite noone else ever commenting on it!!!!). I'm a bit to say I don't know how normal relationships work re:going out. I would assume that people would check their diaries and then agree but just double check with their H that night that they were around to cover childcare. If there is no need for childcare would prob just say "we've nothing on xxx night have we cos I'm planning on going out with the girls?" . In my life I tend to say to my friends 'I think I can come but I'll need to check that H is around for childcare' and then would ask him like a child if I can go

charlotte hope you're enjoying some you time. Bet it feels a bit too quiet at times too hey?

From me - Has anyone read Lundy and thought my FW isn't as bad as most of these? I'm very aware that at the moment FW is in a nice phase which tends to make me forget the bad stuff, and that we're only together at weekends as he's working away in the week which gives me much for freedom. I do identify with some of the types and lots of the scenarios. But so many of scenarios involve really violent men and FW has never ever scared me physcially. He also never swears or calls me names like bitch, whore etc. It is more low key 'helpful' criticism. "you need to watch what you eat" , "those clothes don't suit your bodyshape", "you have no command in your voice - no wonder DD doesn't respect you" ....

Sorry - just having a waver. I thought buying Lundy would make things concrete for me (and it may have done 3 weeks ago pre nice FW) but I'm now feeling shaky.

charlotte hope you are enjoyed your you time. Bath and a magnum I hope

ifeel I will also be thinking of you

thatsnot FW says I eat wrong. It's awful how you can be criticised for simple tasks that are essential! Like breathing.

FW contacted me today. Ive vented elsewhere. More FWittery of course but none of the hoovering variety. Now the high of ignoring him has worn off, I'm sad about that. Anyway.

bounty I haven't read Lundy but your FW still is abusive from the things you say here. None of today's messages were insulting as such but the tone was pure DO AS I SAY. Still abusive I think

Alice, so true, and Charlotte thank you for your staggeringly brilliant assessment of the situation, I'd read about the anger/abuse connection but had not had the insight to see how it was playing out right in front of me, H 'explodes' with anger several times a day for minor offences, ie DD and I talking (quietly) during a TV programme as happened a few minutes ago, and I had not really made the connection-- my reaction is usually 'he's so mean, he is being abusive/cruel/a dckhead' but truly the only reason he's feeling anger in this situation is because he thinks he has a right to demand certain behaviour of you* points to the underlying reason.. and of course we do stop talking (or comply with whatever has upset him) so he feels justified in having blown up about it in the first place.

I do feel like a fraud... I now KNOW he is abusive, been posting since last November/Dec, and now that I'm reading Lundy Bancroft's amazing book I can see him on almost every page, but I still hesitate to take that step of leaving, or at least letting him know that things are going to be different.

He's now planning a move of breathtaking selfishness... planning on selling our family house and buying one I do not agree with. FFS I have said NO to the other house and he ignores it, I say that it is a nice house but I cannot see us living there, that I do not want to move there-- could I make it any clearer?

At some point I will have to intervene but I cannot complain if he puts our house on the market as this frees me up to claim half the proceeds, so to speak, and buy myself a small flat in our area which I could just about afford.

But it's almost playing into my hands, that is such a selfish thing to ask, so clearly a house that he wants and I don't, that people will understand I have to leave the marriage but alternatively it could all backfire and I could be polite and end up living there.

thats you're not a fraud, it's hard to come to terms with and hard to act on. I wouldn't have left FW, he left me, and I'd still have him back

I'm coming up with a cunning plan re: breathing, I might tell H that I went to the Dr's and it is true I am breathing incorrectly because of too much stress, I need a calm atmosphere and if I'm yelled at it may get worse! Then I will tell him that Dr suggested I join a gym (I want to join one but H hates them) or attend our local community pilates class (he won't even let me do that!) and let it be his fault . Oh such pettiness!

Bounty I know what you mean re: maybe it isn't so bad... when H isn't around, or is totally involved in a work project which is going well, things are tolerable and the money/support is good. But if the basic intention to belittle you or disrespect you is there, it will only find ways to come out when times aren't so good, and you'll find yourself modifying your behaviour to avoid conflict, and before you realize he will be like one of the characters in the book.

Charlotte hope you're enjoying your night off!