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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why wont he stand up for me

136 replies

holliec · 23/05/2006 21:00

directed here as i posted in step parenting and was advised to post here.long story..married 2nd time for 6 years,husband had 3 kids full time,i had 3 .have done everything for all the kids.husband is basically a bully,i have never been allowed to tell his daughter off,althiugh he shouts and swears at my son,9,the other 2 girls have now left.he has beaten me in front of all of them a few times,his eldest,now left home was whooping with delight.3 years ago he was diagnosed with NHL.I am the only worker in the house,have internet business on which i work at least 17 hours a day.his children are allowed to do ANYTHING .the 13 yr old daughter ignores me completely and wants me out (i pay for everything)on sunday my 9 yr old went to a presentation for football and won top prize,i was so proud i nearly burst.when we got home he ignored us and i told him he1d won and he said,in front of his giggling daughter,why should i be interested,your only interested in HIM.For the 1st four years together i attended every match both his sons played,rain or shine.it has reached a point where i wanted to sell up,he is refusing to leave and him and his daughter trat me like crap.i spend most of my time in my bedroom.she wrote a 4 page letter saying how she would do anything to get rid of me,how i was a fing this etc.ive never raised my voice to her.my husb.just bullys me and is currently trying to force me to leave by being so awful,i go.i have done everything i can for our family.ive wasted 6 years,put everything in and have just been used.i havent been out for over 3 years,have no friends and feel desparate.

OP posts:
BudaBabe · 23/05/2006 21:05

Have you anywhere to go? Because it sounds like you should. He is a bully. He has beaten you. Whatever about his own kids he is giving your's a rotten deal. Get out as soon as you can.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:05

Oh Hollie, this is awful. You are right, your husband does sound like a bullying pig Sad

Is leaving him an option ?

I know I'll prob get slated for that response, a lot of MNers think that 'dump him' is the knee jerk reaction on all of the 'dodgy relationship' threads. Having read what you've posted though, it doesn't sound like things will get any better if you stay Sad. Do you have any children together ?

crunchie · 23/05/2006 21:15

NdP you won't get slated for that opinion, the man has beaten her up for gods sake, Hollie, LEAVE HIM PLEASE.

I know it seems so hard, but you know you would be better without him. Go to the CAB and get to know your rights. Call a womans refuge and ask for a solicetor who specialises in this sort of thing. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS>

Hoopoe · 23/05/2006 21:17

You've sacrificed everything for this man and I think now it's time to look after yourself and your children. What if he started on your kids? IMO you can't wait around to see. He sounds awful and you're totally justified in leaving him. I think you're a saint to have lasted this long. No-one deserves to be bullied and run into the ground like that especially after you provide for everyone. There is no respect there.

There are plenty of really wonderful men out there - you deserve one of them not this horrible horrible man (and his horrible offspring).

'The night is darkest before the dawn' - I always say that to myself when the going gets tough.

Get out now Hollie!

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 21:19

thank you for replying,we have none together as he made it clear from the start he didnt want any with me,he had his 3 and that was it.please read my thread in step parenting to get a full idea of what im up against.i could go to a hostel but i have my business,which he says i must pack in if i want to leave him?why,or how he hopes to enforce this i dont know.it nearly comical.i earn good money and have taken him to all his dream places over the last 2 yrs.i am in effect his carer.i darnt say anything in my defense as he has no qualms about hurting me.hes told me im using him,what for i dont know,hes on invalidity benefit.also why should i leave a house in my name?my son has all his friends around .the daughter is sly and rude but my husband basically says,so what,if you dont like it..go.his eldest left when he purposly invited me into his room while he was having sex with a 13 yr old,he was 17.husband still says i forced him out.i keep hoping things will improve but now the daughter has made it her aim to get her dad to chuck me out.sorry for going on but i cant talk to anyone.

OP posts:
HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:22

holliec. This is awful. You have to get you and your kids out, now. Worry about the other stuff later. How can he tell you to pack in your business?

Just go. Then worry about the business/house etc.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:23

Have you logged any of your H-related injuries with your GP ?

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:25

Honestly, you need to take legal advice. I'm pretty sure that your first hour is free, and obviously anything you say to the solicitor is entirely confidential, your husband need never know you've been to see them.

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:27

is the house in your name?

If so, don't go. He should be the one to go.

Hoopoe · 23/05/2006 21:30

You're quite right - how can he make you stop your business? The house is in your name - he can't take it away. He is bullying you hoping you'll be too scared to do anything. What is the deal about going to the police? The police domestic violence dept should come and arrest him. He's threatening you with physical violence - surely he has no leg to stand on?

Alternatively is there anyone brawny that you know? Or a family member that can come and help you for a weekend and get you out of there? You could rent a flat on the quiet and then when you're ready, leave as quickly as possible. Then sort out the house later on.

I think you'd be surprised at how many people will be sympathetic to your situation. I had to get my belongings out of my xp's place and I was nervous about it so I got not much more than an aquaintance to go with me. He wasn't particularly brawny but just having someone else there gave me the strength to go through it.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 21:30

yes,when he threw me through a glass table i had to have glass removed from my backside.also the police were called and the only reason he wasnt arrested was that hed just had chemo and had no immune system and i knew it would be worse later.after his violence 3 bad episodes,otherwise mainly verbal bullying or ignoring me for 7-10 days.telling his kids to not talk to me ..etc.the 2nd boy often trys to secretly console me and says he cant understand why hes like it.i so much wanted it to work.if anyone else wrote this id say get out but its harder when its you

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 23/05/2006 21:35

You are worth far far more than this man. You've tried very hard and he's clearly not trying at all, in fact just the opposite. Don't waste more of your life on him. Please please please just get out. The poor ds2. What an awful situation - but you don't have to stay in it. You can make things better.

Do you have any family that you can call on? Even if they don't live nearby?

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:35

It is good that there are records of your injuries, that will help. Please take legal advice ASAP. They will tell you what you stand to lose, how many of his threats are actually follow-through-able (not a word but you know what I mean), out money in a seperate bank account that he has no knowledge of or access to. Do all this without his knowledge, so's not to put yourself at further risk.

NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:36

"put money", not "out"

Hoopoe · 23/05/2006 21:40

Yes, NDP is right - start making concrete plans to get out. Look for a flat, put money aside, find out your legal rights, let your family know, hide away your valuable documents (passports, house deeds etc.) preferably in a safety deposit box or at least out of the house.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 21:41

i cant tell my mum what its really like,shed go mad.she lives 150 miles away and recently had a heart attack.and like all bullies he appears such a nice man to the outside world.its all kept quiet.my eldest girls have left 18 and 21 and tell me to leave,but suddenly he will be nice,and we dont ever talk about it again.ive told him i want a divorce and its awful im just waiting for the fuse to go.it sound awful but i wish he would die and id be free,i hope that doesnt sound callous

OP posts:
Hoopoe · 23/05/2006 21:47

You might be surprised about your mum. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to stay with this man if she knew the truth. No mum would want her daughter to be in this awful situation.

At any rate, tomorrow morning you can start making plans to leave - get a lawyer and a bank account and start transferring. Tonight you can get your documents together. Just do it a step at a time.

He is very good at manipulation. What did he say when you said you wanted a divorce?

HappyMumof2 · 23/05/2006 21:50

could you stay with one of your daughters?

lemonstartree · 23/05/2006 21:53

Hollie

how awful, poor you. please try to make plans to go. Think of the example your children are being set..........think of how your boys may treat a partner because they think thats ok.............

take some advice, make a plan, you can be so, so much happier, stronger and more fulfilled.

be brave, you CAN do it

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 21:55

i told him in the kitchen and he said ive been thinking about it too.i went to get a few hours sleep and read in the bedroom as his daughter makes me feel really uncomfortable.he stormed in and stood over me and told me i couldnt sell the house id have to leave as i had the job and fromnext week id have to close my business(my daughter works for me)and that she could "sling her hook" and finish on frday.he said this was all my fault and its what you want and now you`re going to get it.then stormed out.he has NEVER once said sorry in the entire relationship and its always MY fault.what really did it for me was him snubbing my sons acheivement in front of him .and his daughter sniggering.it hurt far more than any punch or kicking

OP posts:
Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 21:59

my eldest has a partner and a three year old and works full time.shes so busy i cant put upon her.my 18 yr old lives with boyfriend in shared house.its actually her 18th tommorrow.hes told me i cant touch the joint account (we usually give them a lump sum for their 18th)im to scared to ask him to sign her card but ive got a small account of my own so will use that for her.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 23/05/2006 21:59

he sounds mentally unstable.

Kathlean · 23/05/2006 22:00

Why would you expect a man who treated you like this to stand up for you??

Stand up for yourself.

How much damage does this man have to do to you (and your children) before you will?

This man is not going to change especially not for you.

Please, please leave before he does something much worse than just hurt you, who will look after your son then?

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:04

i think he may have serious issues.his ex ran off and deserted the kids but looking at it i suppose if she was desparate and he had told her she couldnt have the kids,it may have been her only escape.this may sound awful but up until 2 yrs ago he always wispered her name at crucial moment.then if i said anything totally denied it.im not stupid nor am i deaf.reading this back i am wondering what the hell im doing still here.

OP posts:
Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:04

i think he may have serious issues.his ex ran off and deserted the kids but looking at it i suppose if she was desparate and he had told her she couldnt have the kids,it may have been her only escape.this may sound awful but up until 2 yrs ago he always wispered her name at crucial moment.then if i said anything totally denied it.im not stupid nor am i deaf.reading this back i am wondering what the hell im doing still here.

OP posts: