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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why wont he stand up for me

136 replies

holliec · 23/05/2006 21:00

directed here as i posted in step parenting and was advised to post here.long story..married 2nd time for 6 years,husband had 3 kids full time,i had 3 .have done everything for all the kids.husband is basically a bully,i have never been allowed to tell his daughter off,althiugh he shouts and swears at my son,9,the other 2 girls have now left.he has beaten me in front of all of them a few times,his eldest,now left home was whooping with delight.3 years ago he was diagnosed with NHL.I am the only worker in the house,have internet business on which i work at least 17 hours a day.his children are allowed to do ANYTHING .the 13 yr old daughter ignores me completely and wants me out (i pay for everything)on sunday my 9 yr old went to a presentation for football and won top prize,i was so proud i nearly burst.when we got home he ignored us and i told him he1d won and he said,in front of his giggling daughter,why should i be interested,your only interested in HIM.For the 1st four years together i attended every match both his sons played,rain or shine.it has reached a point where i wanted to sell up,he is refusing to leave and him and his daughter trat me like crap.i spend most of my time in my bedroom.she wrote a 4 page letter saying how she would do anything to get rid of me,how i was a fing this etc.ive never raised my voice to her.my husb.just bullys me and is currently trying to force me to leave by being so awful,i go.i have done everything i can for our family.ive wasted 6 years,put everything in and have just been used.i havent been out for over 3 years,have no friends and feel desparate.

OP posts:
nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:04

what an awful place to be in hollie. I agree with the thread that you must leave him. Best thing would be to contact a solictor asap in the am. (those that offer first hour free). They will be able to advise about leaving a home that is in your name. he would be housed as an emergency by social services if he went. has he ever hit your children?

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:04

i think he may have serious issues.his ex ran off and deserted the kids but looking at it i suppose if she was desparate and he had told her she couldnt have the kids,it may have been her only escape.this may sound awful but up until 2 yrs ago he always wispered her name at crucial moment.then if i said anything totally denied it.im not stupid nor am i deaf.reading this back i am wondering what the hell im doing still here.

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Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:05

sorry about repetitions,pushed button too many times.

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nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:06

holly, did you buy the house?

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:08

kathlean your quite right,reading what ive written i can see that his kids treatment is just an extention of his example.im hoping for the impossible and by talking about it i feel stronger and less helpless.

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Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:12

yes,it is in my name,before i left on compassionate leave as he had a bad relapse and was not expected to leave hospital,i was quite high up in banking.we bought when he was leaving the army so they couldnt use his income as it wasnt definate what hed be doing.

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nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:29

I take it it is purely in your name. I dont know what part of the country you are in but up in scotland he would still be entitled to half the house and you cant sell it without his signature as its the martial home.( i get the slight impression that he knows that and thats why he tells you to leave etc) But the thought of staying in an enviorment which is so hostile is just awful.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:35

i dont really know about property laws,he has 2 children living here i only have one 9 yrs old.but his 16 yr old is about to leave once he fails his exams,as predicted by school.since he was 14 hes been allowed out every night,not one bit of homework has ever been done at home ,he has smoked openly sine 15.his father will not impose any rules at all.its a shame as hes not a stupid boy .he just does it because he can.hes been involved in drug,theft but is never reprimanded.although hes not rude or abusive like his older brother was

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crunchie · 23/05/2006 22:41

Hollie where in the country are you? The reason I ask is that I know someone who is in hampshire who has just got out of a realationahip where there were issues in some ways similar to yours. Her solicitor seems very very good and specialises in this sort of case, where there is bullying and possible violence. If you would like some contact details, please let me know and I can try to give you a name of someone who can help you.

I am sure that you will be OK on your own, look at what you do already, being on your own will be easier than being together. As far as the joint acount and your DD's 18th, do you need his signiture or permission? I assume the money in there is mainly from yor earnings. If so spend it. You can earn more, he can't!

Think about it you are inteh strong position here, he is bullying you becasue he is weak, you are the breadwinner, you own the house, you are the 'good' person here. All the threats and violence is because he is a very very 'small' man, and he cannot bear your strength and therefore has to distroy you if he can. A lot of women in your situation do stay becasue they don't earn money and tehy truely have no where to go. You have the money, the house, the family, you can leave, he cannot, hence he is trying to force you to go. I doubt he could et 1/2 the house if you own it and pay the whole mortgage. I am pretty sure you can force a sale. Talk to your mortgage company.

Please look at your options, you have loads of them.

nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:42

been there. My SS who lives with us is excatly the same. I have two little ones. I suspose you have to weigh up the safety of you and your child against the probale long fight you wil have re the house if you leave.

Kathlean · 23/05/2006 22:43

I think 50% of the house is a small price to pay for your freedom.

Imagine how relaxed and calm your life would be without this man and his children.

Finacially his children are not yours so you will not have to pay for them (I think!!).

Is the business in your name? Makes sure he has no access to your business account/set up a new one and have any income from the business transferred into it. That way even if he prevents you from accessing your joint account you will be OK financially until everything is sorted out.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:51

i am in surrey.you are quite right about the money.perhaps ive just listened to his cr*p for so long i am scared to do any thing.there is no way he could find even half the mortgage and he has previously been able to indulge his passion for flash expensive cars,changing them every few months.hes actually lost 25k by swapping and part ex ing cars in the last 18 months but if i say anything its a taboo subject and he gets nasty.i do not drive a flash car and think its a total waste of money and always remember what my mum said about men with big flash cars..she was right.hes gone to bed now so i can relax .over the last 4 months ive lost over 2 stone and have lots of abcesses from the stress of all this (seeing the dr tommorrow)

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Kathlean · 23/05/2006 22:52

Where aboutsin Surrey are you? I am in Camberley.

Tortington · 23/05/2006 22:54

sounds like a tosser - why are you with a man who beats you and degrades not only you ( which is fair enough if your going to accept it ) but to degrade your children - and for you to allow it. unforgivable

am sure someone will come along with constructive advice. i, however am more upset with you in this scenario. you must leave him instantly.

nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:54

holie no man is worth it. a ex of mine(who was ex army incidently) was a bit like urs and i spirlled into depression losing weight etc. Please speak at length to the GP about all that you have told us. Life it far too short for it to be lived like that.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 22:54

so am i! thats spooky

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Kathlean · 23/05/2006 22:56

If you fancy a coffee or a few hours escape let me know.

Kathlean · 23/05/2006 22:57

Also if you want to leave a bag of clothes or some paperwork at my place it would stay safe.

rickman · 23/05/2006 22:57

What an awful situation. :(

You really do need to see a solicitor and get him and his kids out of your house. Everything is in your favour here like Crunchie says.

If I was you and I was really desperate, I would do whatever I had to, to get him out of the house. Ring the Police, tell them he has been violent or threatening, get him arrested and then get an injunction against him.

milward · 23/05/2006 22:58

check your rights with the citzen's advice bureau. Talk to your doc tomorow about this as well xxx

nicnack2 · 23/05/2006 22:58

i have to sign off, take care and i will be thinking of you.

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 23:00

custardo,i totally accept what you are saying.i feel ashamed that i have let myself get so under his thumb that i have accepted this treatment and to let my kids see it is horrendous. i do feel ashamed,but everyone who knows him thinks hes so nice and because of his illness everyone so full of sympathy for him and i have been worried about what everyone would say if i walked out on an ill man.i think im scared of admitting its failed.

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Tortington · 23/05/2006 23:02

no one matters but your children. NO ONE

pack up and get out.

Tortington · 23/05/2006 23:03

and take care - my thoughts are with youxxx

Original poster
holliec · 23/05/2006 23:07

thanks for all your advice and help ,i feel better already.i dont feel so scared or permenantly sick now.kathlean ,i may take you up on your kind offer.i am not a down trodden housewife sort and appear full of confidence and life to everyone i meet but its all a clever front to hide what really goes on in our house.im determined he wont make me cry and pray he may be pleasant tommorrow for my daughters birthday when she comes up,as i dont want anything to spoil it.thank you for making me feel human again

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