why wont he stand up for me

[holliec]

directed here as i posted in step parenting and was advised to post here.long story..married 2nd time for 6 years,husband had 3 kids full time,i had 3 .have done everything for all the kids.husband is basically a bully,i have never been allowed to tell his daughter off,althiugh he shouts and swears at my son,9,the other 2 girls have now left.he has beaten me in front of all of them a few times,his eldest,now left home was whooping with delight.3 years ago he was diagnosed with NHL.I am the only worker in the house,have internet business on which i work at least 17 hours a day.his children are allowed to do ANYTHING .the 13 yr old daughter ignores me completely and wants me out (i pay for everything)on sunday my 9 yr old went to a presentation for football and won top prize,i was so proud i nearly burst.when we got home he ignored us and i told him he1d won and he said,in front of his giggling daughter,why should i be interested,your only interested in HIM.For the 1st four years together i attended every match both his sons played,rain or shine.it has reached a point where i wanted to sell up,he is refusing to leave and him and his daughter trat me like crap.i spend most of my time in my bedroom.she wrote a 4 page letter saying how she would do anything to get rid of me,how i was a fing this etc.ive never raised my voice to her.my husb.just bullys me and is currently trying to force me to leave by being so awful,i go.i have done everything i can for our family.ive wasted 6 years,put everything in and have just been used.i havent been out for over 3 years,have no friends and feel desparate.

Holliec... praying for you to have strenght. Enough is Enough. you are very brave but do leave. dont let him destroy you. get advice, change bank account, organise new address etc and since the police has already been involved...then it is officially clear that this has been going on for a while.... thinking of you. not close to you physically but you have many friends here to support you. i would just say try to be as "normal" as before whilst you prepare your exit. that kind of man reads anything in anything so look after yourself. x

Holliec what he is doing is typical of abusive men - you are a victim of mental and physical abuse and you and your kids don't have to stand for this at all. He has cut you off from everyone and not allowed you friends so he can control you - bet he tells you you are fat and ugly and no one would want you too - they all do it and you are worth so much more than what you are getting from him.

Dp is away for a few days if you need somewhere to stay to get away - I am only a short drive from you and I know you don't know me but I have been where you are before and got out and am not blissfully happy - you can do it, get away from him - or rather get him away from you and be happy again.

Can you get in contact with his x and see if he treated her like this and it is why things went wrong with them??? Would make your case all the stronger and you may find a friend in it all.

Anyway the offer is there if you just want to get away.

BUMP

Hollie ..... how are you ? Please let us know if you can

Can you use a PO box number elsewhere short term for business? You can pick mail up at a post office. If you end up leaving, you could advertise as "relocating". You don't have to explain to anyone why, or you could say more space needed if pushed to. Use self storage for stock? Can you get a new mobile no/use a different redirected no. for busness? There's a comapny called yac that do this: www.yac.com
Yahoo will store documents and files online for you.
Where's your ex in all this? Does he have any contact with your kids? Can he come and stand up to your husband with you, for the sake of the kids?
Get an injunction against him if necessary.
Can his ex work with you so she gets her kids? If his kids and him are out of the house, and he is capable of getting a job or is getting disability benefits, I don't think the courts will make you pay maintenance for him and kids. a court welfare officer might help you to get him out if it's having a bad effect on your kids and his can go elsewhere.
If you want to sell up, then do it. He can't stop you. I don't think a court would let him stay. If he pleads illness, then if he was that ill, he should be in hospital not at home. Don't leave the house unless you have to. Definitely don't leave the kids behind, even if it's short term.

Can you not stay with your daughter at all in return for babysitting or something??

i am doing ok,i heard him twice today,once in the kitchen telling his son,that if he keep this up i`ll be gone soon and they wont have to move,my stepson seems highly embarrased by his dads behaviour and is making an effort to be nice.he was also on the phone to his mum ,(tried hard to grt on with her but was always,not as good as the ex,and she visits and stays with her dog and lets it sit up at the table and eat from her plate while she eats..and lets it have the run of the house,peeing everywhere.he was telling her that,he thought i had someone else as i want to sell up..chance would be a fine thing ,unless i meet him between my house and the post office and do it while im in the queue,i havent got the time.he is still storming around ,slamming doors and ignoring me. re questions,my ex is bloody useless,hes never paid a penny and couldnt give a toss about the kids.his ex is the same,she lives in big house,works but refuses to work full time as she doesnt want to pay antmore for kids,is remarried but has only ever paid £3.25 a week for each kid.she told the csa she was single then got found out ,and if they want anything she tells them to ask me.im using my own bank account now,lets see his face when my income stops coming in (fuel your motor on benefits..i think not.he wont realise for ages as he just expects me to sort out thing,bank,bills.his nasty daughter has gone to the ex so next week im taking my son out for the day.what ever happened id never leave my son.i think hes avoiding hitting me as the police warned him last time that the next time hed definatly be taken away and charged.i work sat morning in the bank as it keeps me up to date with things,and theyre desparate for staff,so tommorrow im a banker,actually ive been a right stupid banker to take his domineering ways for so long.im a bit depressed today but not faultering in my intention to get rid of the twisted git....he has in the past said im stupid a c--- etc and he delighted in constantly reminding me that i really fell on my feet when i got him..i always thought it was the other way around to be honest.hes not the sort of good looking man that attracts girls.hes gone out so im going to cook myself come shish kebabs i bought as im not included when the teas done for him and the kids,cant say i mind,hes no jaime oliver .Anyway hope everyone has a great weekend and gives their partners a special hug and thank god you havent got one like mine.

Stay strong Holliec! We all care about you!

How you doing Hollie?

still at home,hes blanked me now for 8 days.i have been working like mad to get more money,which now goes direct to my own personnal account.i have boxed everything up in my stockroom so i can shift it quickly if i need to.every day that goes buy reinforces my feelings that i dont love him anymore,i dont even really care about him.his dying would be a releif.his son now has total freedom with his fathers backing.its not my concern anymore as when we separate he will have thepleasure of living with the behaviour he allows.my daughter is here working today so im not alone.i took my son to footy sunday and he scored 6 goals,i smiled all the way through.we then went for a meal.my husband never even asked him how it went.his loss.he doesnt realise he is just showing me what a nasty piece of work he really is.if we pass in the house he pushes me..i have not seen a solicitor but i am going to meet an outreach worker from womansaid.i need the strength to finally do what i should have done a few years ago..i just hope he dies a slow painful death as living with him has been like a slow painful death

Hope you're feeling OK. You really do need to leave this horrible man and his children - they sound horrendous. He is a controlling freaky bully. You sound like you're doing the best thing - don't worry about leaving him in the house - as long as you go - he'll have to leave the house when the solicitor makes him. I'd rather sell and cut my losses than let a stupid freaky bully make mine and my childrens lives a misery. Be strong - and wise. You'll end up the winner. Good luck

very quick update,he finally blew up at my daughter for no reason then started on me,the Dv policewoman has just left and asked him to leave for a few hours to calm down.his son was also involved against me.i didnt admit hed been aggresive as he hadnt hit me,just pushing shouldering etc.the police woman advised me to get help and gave me some numbers.she kept saying they could help me but now i know only i can help myself.he will be back later and im sure it will ll be my fault and he`ll want an apology, my daughter cant beleive hes such a wanker.i cannot live like this any more

Spend the time BEFORE he arrives getting yourself sorted out you cannot live like this anymore you are right.You dont deserve this neither does your dd.Ring those numbers.

hol, hadnt seen this thread but took a glimpse now - am so sorry, had no idea, but does put things in perspective. dont waste anymore time, but dont rush into more trouble either. go to the people who will help you and yours. they will do everything needed with your direction.

Is your bank account in both your names?? Take your passport with you when you leave him for good and empty every last penny in it. You don't need his signature to do this.

Hya, just read this post and am very shocked .

Get out before you get hurt. I know its not easy and its your house. but for your own safety you need to either have him removed - or get your stuff out and move out yourself and then get the courts to help you get him out. Or once you are out, put the house up for sale.

Empty the joint account, (just write yourself a cheque.

Please otherwise you could get seriously hurt. also your kids must be so worried about you, what would you say to them if they were in the same situation?

Please please leave before it is too late.

Holliec, you're doing really well, making all the right plans. You have a lot of people backing you up now. Crossing fingers for you.

the policewoman said i could get an injunction to keep him out but as the kids live here id probably have to keep them and then arrange to get someone to take them to him.???these are not my children can you even imagine the reaction id get if i got an injunction against their dad.their behavior towards me is horrid at the best of times.when the police spoke to him he was Gardening!..never ever set foot in the bloody grden before today and calmly told them i was over reacting and i was mad.but as they have been here before when i had visable injuries they were sympathetic to me and tried to get me to make an incriminating statement but im scared of the repercussions.when she started asking me questions i broke down.is he controlling,have you ever considered suicide,does he strangle you,has he ever threatened to kill anyone.i couldnt answer,i was so choked up.its a horrible nightmare.shes worried he will start when he returns and has told me to call 999.could someone whos been through this please tell me it will be alright.what did i ever do to deserve this piece of shit

i have phoned to book a viewing on a house near my sons school.the ball is rolling.they are calling me back tommorrow with a date as there are tenants in there.sod the house ,ill sort it out later.if i have to live with him indefinatley ill end up in pieces.im going to do it.next move has to be the solicitors.im going to be free

hi hollie

hold on!
i have been through this not in your shoes though!
my mum was with an abusive h for 11 yrs i watched him drag her across the floor by her hir through a portable telly in her stomach and kick her repeatedly on the floor e.t.c he mentally abused both of us and hit me for no reason too but finally when i was 13 we moved to Dubai my mum made friends and i suppose gathered the strength to leave with their support.
take up kathleens kind offer and she sounds like she can give u the strength and support to do it too!
it will all be worth it in the end. do it for ur son as well as urself and sure he does not want to see it either!
you can do this plz keep strong!

God, Hollie! Don't give in to him if you can help it. It is NOT your fault, don't let him think he's cowed you into submission.

Can social services take his kids into care if you get an injunction?? To be honest, if his son's being violent and abusive then you need to tell the police that. He's not your problem, so don't feel guilty about doing it. if they arrest him then it's his own fault. i'd get an injunction on the pair of them. Can anyone stay with you, like your daughter and her hubby?
When I left my ex, it was because he tried to strangle me and hit me. I managed to get in another room and I called the police on my mobile. They were there in 10 minutes.
They got me out, and they told him to stay away or else he'd be arrested. He denied it, said he'd never touched me. The police could see the marks on me though.

If he lays a finger on you or threatens you so you believe you will be hurt, that is grounds to arrest someone these days, believe me. Pushing, shoving, screaming in your face, spitting, preventing you physically from leaving a room etc is ALL assault and arrestable.

All I can suggest is something like keeping everything - phone, keys, money, passport etc. in your handbag, and if he starts then grab it, and get out of the house. You can call the cops once you're outside. They will get you back in and get him out. Just make sure you take your keys, as you have to prove you have rightful entry etc.
Don't let him see your bag, just put it near the door etc.

My ex used to lock the doors and hide the keys so I couldn't get out to get help. He held me hostage upstairs once and neighbours rang police after I screamed for help, but he made me say I was fine to make them go away. I had no choice.
Believe me, people like that back down when there's witnesses. Once you have support and he knows people know what he's done, then he's finished - he won't have the power over you.
Also, if he hits you, you have every right to defend yourself. Just make sure you can get away from him and out of the house if you retaliate, as some men will lay into you even more for "standing up for yourself".
Just think it through eg - if he starts in the lounge, walk out to the kitchen/hall etc.. Don't let him trap you in a room with less than 2 escape routes.
If you ring Womens aid, someone can come and be with you or help you over the phone. Keep the no. of an emergency solicitor handy - see yellow pages, if you need an injunction quickly.

Also, if you know deep down that it's over, and you don't want to continue living with him, then do whatever you can to keep yourself safe, and let womens aid help you with a plan to get out/get rid of him if poss. The feeling you get when you realise you are finally free of the bastard will be fantastic. You might get loads of crap and threats etc, but remembe, the police are on your side - if he threatens you, bad mouths you to clients, damamges stock etc. then HE will pay, not you.
Chin up, I know it's easy for me to say, but I got rid of someone like that, and so have plenty of others on here. It isn't easy, but it is so worth it in the long run.

holliec, I have set up my mn thing so that you can CAT me if you want.

I am happy to give you my mobile number then and if you just need a cuppa I am happy for you to come around and chill (I make lousy tea though). Or I am happy just to sit in a coffee place with you for an hour or so if you need a break.

If you need someone to talk to Hollie - gggglimpopo at hotmail dot com

hes back and acting just as before,my daughter keeps phoning to make sure im all right.i have got the shakes really badly and feel near tears all the time now.he once told me proudly he put his ex through 6 weeks of hell before she left,i assume now that she went through this.he is doing something in the garden,i strongly suspect that its so he can look up and say he contributed to the house.he could build a full scale model of buckingham palace if he wants.i feel tempted to ring my mum and tell her exactly whats going on.but it would hurt her.i hope he is digging a large hole as i would gladly push him in and bury him.id like his family to know what this saint is really like.his son ended up fighting with my daughter as she tried to stand up for me.hes obviously learning from his role model.i would love to take up one of your kind offers for contact but im so ashamed of what ive become and cant stop crying at the moment,though im not letting him see that,as he will take the piss

hollie please take one of the offers or call your mum dont let pride or shame be the one thing that stands between you and a decent life.

you have nothing to be ashamed of. there is nothing wrong with accepting help. chin up, and give her a call. {{{{hugs}}}}