why wont he stand up for me

[holliec]

directed here as i posted in step parenting and was advised to post here.long story..married 2nd time for 6 years,husband had 3 kids full time,i had 3 .have done everything for all the kids.husband is basically a bully,i have never been allowed to tell his daughter off,althiugh he shouts and swears at my son,9,the other 2 girls have now left.he has beaten me in front of all of them a few times,his eldest,now left home was whooping with delight.3 years ago he was diagnosed with NHL.I am the only worker in the house,have internet business on which i work at least 17 hours a day.his children are allowed to do ANYTHING .the 13 yr old daughter ignores me completely and wants me out (i pay for everything)on sunday my 9 yr old went to a presentation for football and won top prize,i was so proud i nearly burst.when we got home he ignored us and i told him he1d won and he said,in front of his giggling daughter,why should i be interested,your only interested in HIM.For the 1st four years together i attended every match both his sons played,rain or shine.it has reached a point where i wanted to sell up,he is refusing to leave and him and his daughter trat me like crap.i spend most of my time in my bedroom.she wrote a 4 page letter saying how she would do anything to get rid of me,how i was a fing this etc.ive never raised my voice to her.my husb.just bullys me and is currently trying to force me to leave by being so awful,i go.i have done everything i can for our family.ive wasted 6 years,put everything in and have just been used.i havent been out for over 3 years,have no friends and feel desparate.

i can be contacted at [email protected] as i dont understand the cat thing.this is a private email address i have set up ,my husband doesnt use the computer.kathlean i would love to meet up.i find meeting people scary as ive been so isolated im sitting here with him stalking in and out of the garden,giving me awful sneers.im like a kid avoiding looking at him as thats probably what hes waiting for so he can start with the !what are you looking at" line

Hollie, don't be ashamed, he's relying on breaking you. Don't let him. Just think of a life without him, and hang onto that. I do know exactly how you feel, feeling trapped and hopeless, but if you have support, it gives you the strength to fight back. I had 6 years of crap before I had enough support to get out. For me it was a case of bide my time and let him hang himself. When he left "marks" on me, I thought that's it, I've got my proof, he's finished. I was so scared no one would believe me or help me. The most unlikely people will help if they know what's going on. Let people on here help you if you can. Please, please call the police if he starts on you, even if you think "it's only verbal". It's enough to get him out of your life. Ring them, tell them you are scared for you and YOUR son etc. and you don't want him in the house.

just had a wonderful chat with a fellow mumsnetter.thank you kathlean for listening,i really enjoyed it.i had to wait about 15 minutes before he would open the door but the sight of him in his underpants gave me a private chuckle.it was really uplifting and i cant thank you enough

wont ask for details, lol, but sounds like things are on the up - as it were. hope you have a better night.

yes, ifeel normal again and not tearful.i will not let him break me as i havent done anything wrong.im so sick and tired of being the scapegoat.im not to blame for everything,he just piles it all on me because its easy to do that.hes a right knob but it takes alot of rubbish to see what you dont want to see

hol, hadn't seen this until today - i think you're a lot stronger than you realised. takes a lot to live with what you have had to. know for sure that you are way better out of it. just have to get your thoughts and feelings in order. the mechanics of getting out and setting up are easier than you think. and there's plenty of people waiting to help you thru it.

yes,it all seems to look clearer,hed got me so scared to basicaaly do anything that i thought i had no alternative but to just accept it.hed become an expert in breaking me down ,then showing a bit of affection,just enough to keep you roped in and question your decisions..typical Mr Nice/Mr Nasty..it messes you up and you become desparate for any niceness and forget the crap.its over when he says its over and must never be mentioned again.god i wish id have learnt self defense,id love to kick the shit out of him and see how he liked being on the floor.to hear him moan when he turned over in bed as the bruises hurt,to have the sister at the surgury remove glass fragments from his bum and try to bullshit her that you fell over.they say that the only true revenge is to go on and be happy.this would be sweet revenge for me

then you will - and it's not just about revenge. i'm certainly no expert here, but it's clear you're owed a lot of years. when you are able to look at it from the outside it makes it so much easier to see what you have to do, not just revenge but choices that you can live with and know that you'll never regret. and have a life in the future that will slowly blot out all the bad stuff so that eventually it wont even feel like it was you, just a distant memory. you only have the future and its up to you what you want to do with it - am sure it'll be a good one :o

yes i do feel that i wasted the last 6 years.iam the wrong side of 39 now but inside im still 15.i just wish my body knew that.if he finds someone else im sure they will get more of the same from him,i just know that i dont want it to be me.also i am his second wife so maybe people may wonder why two wives have bolted.

oh thanks hol - i'll be on the wrong side too in about six months...seven. no worries tho - also a bit juvenile on the inside, can behave like a teenager at the right times which can only be a good thing. it doesnt really matter how old the calendar tells you you are - its how you feel that counts. there's plenty of old folk our age around :o.
and yes, women will think 2 ex wives? you know how women are, will want to know everything so i wouldnt be too concerned on that score. the main thing is getting yourself prepared for living like a young, free and single again. being able to work from home must have a lot of benefits - i'm reduced to being a humble handyman now, which means i never get anything done at home - re the bath thread.

im going to snuggle in with my little boy tonight as im worried he may be getting a little worried that im not caving in,and want to"put his mark on me" his way of describing it.yes,loving isnt it.

yeah hol he will be - have seen it before with another mn'er recently so do take care.

only just seen this...sooo glad your getting some m.net magic.take care
bot xxxxx

my stepson came in and had been taking speed or something similar,he was in the boys bedroom on the playstation till 5 30 so i couldnt sleep with my son.i went to bed and my husband made a grab for me,i just didnt move and was shaking and after about 10 minutes he let go.today him and his son are ignoring me and they keep having whispered conversations behind closed doors.i think he will see a solicitor ,they keep mentioning 4.30,as he always used to tell me that you should GET IN THERE FIRST as you get all the power that way.also he can play the poor hard done by routine

He can probably sense that he has lost a little bit of control over you. He will probably up the abuse to try an regain control.

mhi,thanks again for your time.yes i think he was trying a last attempt type thing.i have actually contacted a solicitor ,they rang me back but i couldnt talk and told me to ring back but they didnt leave their name so when i rang back they didnt kno who i wanted and said the person will probably ring again.hes still gardening,hes bought half of britains supply of wood chippings so god knows what hes planning

hol - think you said everything is in your name, therefore you will legally beable to have hiom removed once you get a court order. i'll assume he's not stupid and so also knows he's heading for the street with no money, nowhere to go, and will be another sp on benefits. don't expect he relishes the thought and so has to show as much input in the house as possible - despite illness, and he'll play on it - i guarantee it.
it's all going to come down to how much money/ share of property he can get so don't hang about. a good solicitor will play on it too - to the extreme, even to try and get you out instead and let him stay for as long as he needs it with his kids. you will be seen as being able to support yourself and can start again - which i know can, but sol will not have your welfare in mind.
take care.

and you'll have shitloads of people to talk to over the next few months - police,solicitors, benefits, housing, docs, cab, womens aid, whoever, even estate agents. so always ask for the name of the person you're talking to and write it down!! dont rely on your memory - get yourself a very small notebook/diary type thing that can be hidden in your arse pocket. write down all info you need, dates ,times, money etc. and DONT let him or his kids see it or see you writing in it. keep it hidden as it'll be your memory and can give too much away.
guess you've started the ball rolling so dont let it run off without you.

Would it be helpfull if you also started documenting the abuse, and telling someone about it, so you have another's memory/your own notes to remind you, when it comes down to speaking about it????

Hey holliec did anything happen at 4.30??

i had to go out posting and i took my daughter and son.we came back at 5 and he was sat in the front room,so assume it wasnt a solicitor,unless it was a record breaking speed appointment.i havent even dared look in the garden to see what hes done.maybe 4.30 was when he expected the queen to come round and name his garden thing...i will have a look later,i hope its not a bloody mess.he did once replace a window catch thing so this will obviously amount to 85% share in the property.im not even worried if i sell and he gets some,as the house is too big for me anyway,i just want rid of him and now i even feel scared of my step son as hes obviously a chip off the old block and hes thrown himself whole heartedly into copying his dads blanking and intimidation.hed never shown any signs of this before yesterday.but its just another reason that i must get it sorted.the little shit wont be getting another penny off me.he doesnt do any work,takes drugs ,comes in all hours and is about to fail his gcse`s,so maybe hes palling up with his dad to curry favour for the results.god i dont know,and i dont bloody care.they are a pair of idiots and id be well rid.we are in total silent mode tonight.{kathlean,he never apologised to my daughter as he said}im going to phone solicitor again tommorrow a.m. and demand to talk to anyone.

Pair of idiots. What a waste of a life though for the boy, who does he think is going to be there for him?

I was thinking if he is in line to get compensation he may push you for one of the things you sign at the end of a divorce saying you have no further claim on any of the other parties money. So if they win the lottery (or get compensation) you can't go back and say you want some.

I know that's not as important between you as you have no kids together but I wonder if he is thinking that.

Won't work in his favour though as by the time his son pisses it away on drugs and he pisses it away on cars and not working it won't last them very long.

It's really tough as I want to say do this, do that, say this etc but it's not worth it until you can get away safely which is the most important thing.

saying that..when he was last married they had a small flat as a rental investment,she signed away all rights to the flat and his gratuity when he left the army,so it looks like these are the same type of tactics.as you say his comp..if he gets it will not solve any problems for him and it will all be needed for care when the time comes,god does he really think i care.i wish there was some magic wand to make it all better but i see now that things have occured that can never be forgotton or papered over.i am just waiting till one of his sons gets caught for drugs or takes some dodgy gear and ends up in hospital,the son was on the phone and he quite plainly said,i havent got any but i can see a mate wholl sell me some</strong>now any fool knows what hes talking about ...except his dad who was within earshot,anyway im hoping to get all my work done tonight and take my son to thorpe park tommorrow.ill just leave Alan Titmarsh {with the empasise on the TIT} to do whatever hes doing in the garden.

today he started on about me spending money from the joint accounthe demanded to see my business accounts and transfers,he got them out and about 1 hour later he suddenly became suddenly nice.hes warned me to watch my step as he says the police are on his side as hes ill and he says that they told him that if he wanted he could have me removed...i think a load of bollocks,is the phrase im looking for.yet another scare tactic,bloody pathetic,but i dont answer back,let him think hes in charge,its easier to do my own planning that way.hope everyones well,apparantly suns on the way

Did you get in touch with a solicitor?